In this video I talk about just how miserable the finak years of my using were.

Transcript:
hi today I'm gonna talk about cocaine in
the final years because they were so
different to the first years but I have
no idea when my using and drinking went
from fun to non fun they did at some
point but I can't pinpoint when that was
in the final years I had
responsibilities I was married I had
children I had a stepson but I still
couldn't stop using in the final years
I'll kept trying to stop and not being
able to but still somehow thinking I was
in control I think I put it down to
willpower and maybe I just wasn't trying
hard enough my drug use had really
increased by this point and I no longer
use socially no longer drank socially I
would say out hi dad hi Jenna pal from
flowers
I drink secretly drinking in the morning
like bottle of Bailey's for thinking
it's okay because I'm adding it to my
coffee so that's okay it's like a
substitute milk it sounds crazy now but
that's I really did justify it bottles
were heard everywhere drug her head I
did something I never thought I'd do and
that was start stealing from life loved
ones and my family but in understand
addiction I didn't know what diction was
I didn't even think I was an addict back
then I did just think I just didn't have
willpower and I thought I was a bad
person so then I'd be wrapped himself
pity feeling sorry for myself then
hating myself and then using to try and
block those feelings so it's just just
you had use it but the drugs didn't even
work by this point there were times in
the last year's though I remember
cutting up lines in the toilet and
crying and trying to stop my tears going
into my
in stuff fuck them up and I was crying
because I did not want to use it was
like I just have no choice I hated using
because it completely controlled me I
was becoming a horrible person becoming
the person I never thought I would be
lying I'd swear on my children's life
that I would stop and that like using
and two hours later I'd be using again
could not understand it because when I
swore my children's life I really meant
it so I didn't understand how I could
really really mean something and then
still use and go back on my word I was
in with the psychiatrist's all the time
because I generally thought I was losing
my mind I felt like I was going crazy I
would sometimes crawl around on the
floor thinking people had guns at me
through the window I'd be up on doing
light bulbs looking in thinking they
were secret cameras my light bulbs began
to all the books in the house thinking
maybe just months ago I hit some coke in
one of them and maybe I'll find some I'd
crawl around on the floor looking for
little crumbs of coke it was a really
peaceful existence really sad looking
back now I struggle I struggle to even
look back and I can't focus on it too
much because what's done is done
now I'm in recovery I've made a lot of
amends for what I've done and I kind of
have to just focus on the here and now
and I'm kind of telling you all this
because there might be people out there
going through exactly this stage and
thinking oh my god like were one not
even thinking you're an addict because I
didn't
and to not even known there's a way out
thinking that's it
but there is a way out and if you go
into my solution section I'll have lots
of different methods and things that
work for me I leave that there guys
take her by
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

2 thoughts on “Cocaine and the Final Years

  1. Hi thanks so much for these posts. What i struggle with is rock bottom or knowing if im an addict. I use recreationally but this has slowly increased to the point i feel guilty depressed and low. However i do not use daily..crawl on floors or lost a job or my children so i keep thinking im creating this mess and i can stop so why dont i? Is it just because i love it and its fun? Even though its not always fun. I feel its just my lack of willpower and actually its a nice escape. How do i know if its a problem or im making it one?

    • Hi sweetie. It is a difficult one to answer because only you can really know whether or not you are an addict. I must point out though that I have met so many people like yourself who held down jobs etc and were high fuctioning. There is such a thing as a high functioning addict. If however you have tried to stop and you can’t – chances are you are addicted. The fact that you say you feel low and depressed also highlights that there is a problem. What you will find though is because you feel low you will use drugs as it makes you feel better but obviously there will be a come down….so eventually you will use again to make yourself feel better…and the vicious cycle continues. I believe there are different types of addicts – there are people who become addicted to something but once they get help and have some clean time they never have that problem again. Then there is the type of addict that is written about in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymmous. This type of addict is different because the drug is not actually the problem. The addict themself is the problem and because they feel so low and miserable and scared they use drugs as their solution to make them feel better. When you take the drink or drugs away from this type of addict they become what is known as a ‘dry drunk’. They are clean but they are miserable. Therefore they need a new soltion to take the place of the drugs or alcohol. That is where the 12 steps come in. They are basically a list of spiritual principles that the addict can put in to place instead of the alcohol or drugs so they can go on and lead a happy life. There is also yet another type of addict…someone who has a mental health issue for example Borderline Personality Disorder. They use drink or drugs as a coping mechanism to cope with their feelings. Often if they get treated for the mental health issue itself then the addiction will go away as well. I hope that made some sense to you! If I were you I would perhaps try to go along to a 12 step meeting (AA or NA etc) They are completely anonymous and you can just turn up and sit at the back and just listen to what people are saying and look for any similarities. Also try and see if you can go 2 weeks without picking up a drink or drug. I say both as often if someone puts down drugs they will substitute it with something else such as drink. If you can not manage to go without either then chances are there is a problem – but don’t panic! Once you are aware that there is a problem then you can focus on what you are going to do to fix it. Recovery from addiction is possible! Sending you lots of love xxx

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