hi beautiful people how you today I am
going to do a video for family members
or loved ones of addicts or alcoholics
because family members go through so
much I know what I used to put my mom
through and looking back now some of the
things I used to say to my mom they
horrify me like Papa shocked me it's
like almost as if that wasn't me I
couldn't have said something that awful
for example in my addiction
I'd want money obviously for drugs and
if I didn't have any I would turn to my
mum taking up some money and she would
say no obviously because she didn't want
me spending money on drugs and I used to
just turn and I'd be like I used to tell
her I owed dealers money so if she
didn't give me the money to pay the
dealers they would come and burn her
house down and I used to just make the
most awful threats and try and literally
blackmail her into giving me money
sometimes it worked
sometimes it didn't if it didn't or raid
her purse and take money all things that
are like just so shocking and light I'm
so ashamed of now but I believe I'm
constantly making amends to my mum
because I did put her through so much
but yeah so I thought I'd do this video
because I know there's so many families
out there that probably going through
exactly the same and when you have
someone that you love with all your
heart and they're just being completely
vile and killing themselves basically
what you do because as a family member
you can't fix that person no matter how
much you cry and beg them to stop they
won't stop
addiction is a lot more complicated than
that I wish that it was easy and if my
mum had cried and said please stop
killing yourself I'd go okay mom I won't
do drugs anymore
but it's really really not that simple
and so I kind of wanted to give a little
bit of advice
it's a family members on what can you do
now one of the first things that I
learned while I was in rehab actually is
that a lot of families enable us they
let us get away with our behaviors
because they don't want to throw us out
on the street they don't wants to see us
see us with nothing if like we're living
away from home and maybe we've got
children and we're asking for money they
don't want to think we've got no money
so they will give it unfortunately this
isn't the best thing to do because you
are just enabling that person to carry
on in their addiction I think sometimes
the person in addiction if they're going
to get help they have to reach rock
bottom and if you're helping them in any
way they're not going to hit rock bottom
as quickly as they shit so it's
sometimes really hard but sometimes you
got to say no you've got to move out
well I'm not giving you a penny you're
not having anything and it sounds really
harsh because I know you love your
family member but it's kind of being
cruel to be kind
another thing is understand addiction a
bit and realize that you cannot fix them
no matter what you do you cannot fix
them you can support your loved one
and understand that addiction is not
simple it's not just a case of just
having some clean time and giving up now
another thing to consider is why has
this person got an addiction has your
family member got mental health issues
have they got borderline personality
disorder because I say there because the
addiction the using drugs might actually
be a coping mechanism because of their
mental health issues so for example if
they have borderline personality
disorder and they are using drugs like I
used to do chances are they're doing
that to fix their feelings to cope with
life and they need to have the
borderline personality disorder treated
or the mental health disorder treat is
not always that simple because I was
getting treated for BPD but my addiction
was getting in the way so I actually had
to go into rehab so maybe that's the
case for your loved one if literally
they are using every day they drinking
every day or whatever that then needs to
become the priority and that needs to be
dealt with so how do you deal with it
now there are 12-step fellowships
that they can go to that's places like a
a CA and they and they're free and
they're anonymous and they can go along
and get help for me I couldn't get clean
that way I needed to go to rehab I
needed to be put somewhere safe away
from the drugs and get a period a clean
time and I think that's the case for a
lot of people but not everyone there are
plenty of people that just go to the
rooms which the 12-step fellowship we
call the rooms and they can go to there
and they can get clean that way because
often there's meetings every day that
they can go to and it's really throwing
yourself into a
around other people with the same
problem not feeling judged to be able to
open up and get help that way like I
said the other options rehab some people
can get it paid for them that it's
apparently not that easy nowadays I
think for someone to get treatment
nowadays you're much more likely if
you've got dual diagnosis which is a
mental health problem and an addiction
but don't quote me on that because I'm
not hundred percent sure so it is worth
looking into and seeing can you get
funding to go to rehab obviously if you
can't and your family is fortunate
enough that you have money that you can
pay for your loved one to go to rehab
that's a really kind thing to do that's
not enabling them by the way because
you're not giving them the money don't
give them money if it's a load of money
go and get into rehab don't do that but
you can but for them to go into rehab
but they've got to want to do it as well
if they don't want to do it it's
pointless completely pointless because
chances are they just they'll carry on
with their addiction another thing with
rehab is a lot of people go there you
can go six eight weeks or whatever I did
six weeks primary and then I went on and
did five months in a secondary rehab a
lot of people do first like eight weeks
a and they come out and they feel like
they're fixed and everything's great and
then they relapse because it's not just
a case of getting clean we need to get
clean but then we have to constantly
work on ourselves as well after until
we've got quite a bit of clean time
behind us different things work for
different people some people come out of
treatment and they can go to 12-step
meetings I mean that was the most
popular kind of option that I saw and
lots of
look clean that way and stayed clean
that I yeah but some people just do the
eight weeks and they come out and they
think they're fixed and they do nothing
else and they just go back to work or go
back to their old routines and before
you know it they have relapsed another
thing I'd say to family members is
relapse is a big part of recovery I
think like most people have relapse as
part of their journey not everyone gets
it first time of course there are people
that get it first time and good for them
that's amazing but for most of us
unfortunately we do relapse a few times
the thing to do is to try not judge you
loved one and encouraged them right look
you've done this before you got clean
before you got to do it again just pick
yourself up and keep going
rather than being I are there's no hope
I give up on them there's no hope
because like I said relapse is part of
it
if you've got a lot it's really hard as
a family member I know part of a a they
had al-anon which was for family members
I'm pretty sure they probably have
groups like that for not just alcohol ex
but for like drug addicts as well I
can't tell you the names of them because
I just don't know but there are places
you can go and you can talk to other
family members who understand like what
you're going through because it is
really hard and family members kind of
need support as well because what can
your loved ones are basically killing
themselves is hot it's devastating and
sometimes it is just good to talk to
other people about it
and realize you're not alone there are
so many families out there that go
through this but yeah like get connected
to other people that understand you that
you can talk to because this it's not
something that you have to bottle up and
hide from everyone because I know it can
be really shameful I think my poor mom
adds I don't know I've never really
talked to her about actually but I don't
know like how she'd feel would she just
got me out and my daughter's an addict I
mean it's really embarrassing she wanted
the best for me she wanted me to go to
uni and I know I became a drug addict
and it can be the harrassing for family
members and you can feel really ashamed
but the thing is not to because there
are so many people out there that go
through this and you're not alone and
you can still like I said support your
loved one without enabling them
unfortunately sometimes it takes cutting
them out for a bit they explained turned
on just say right we've had enough
though you can say look I love you and
I'm here when you were ready to get help
I am here but right now I cannot be part
of this because I cannot enable this
addiction to carry on and just to put it
to them that way
and did I cover everything I think I did
yeah
I think I did my mind has gone
completely blank now but yeah lots of
love to all guys