I spent years addicted to cocaine but could never admit that I had a problem, preferring to believe that I was in control rather than admitting the drugs controlled me. Physically and mentally it destroyed me . Luckily I have been clean for nearly 5 years and life is so much better than my using days. I forgot to mention that I actually feared getting clean as I didn’t think life could be enjoyable without drugs – but life is so much more enjoable without them.
hi guys happy Friday and you've got to excuse the hair I had straightened it this morning and I went out to get Easter eggs and it was raining and this has happened and I literally can't be bothered to straight me again all four kids are home today so they're running around and I've been trying to get this video done for about half an hour they finally gone outside in the rain so let's see okay so today I'm going to talk about cocaine addiction because it was something I struggled with for years and years and I'm well aware that I haven't done an addiction video in a while now my cocaine addiction want me to the darkest places I there are times I just wanted to die I never ever thought I would become an addict when I first used I'd look around the pub and it was all kind of normal people that were using cocaine everyone was using it it was teachers estate agents bankers plumbers builders they were people that had jobs they held down jobs they had families but they could come out and use cocaine and I didn't see why I would be any different but I quickly realized I was different because I could do nothing in moderation I've always needed more and I realized that like I would get some coke and as soon as I had it I'll be planning where am I gonna get my next law I couldn't just sit and enjoy the drugs I had it was constantly planning and obsessing over getting more and more and more and like I said it it took me to a readout place I was mentally fucked up I have done a video called cocaine suddenly fucking mental and it really really did not only mentally physically it messed me off I could not eat when I took coke so I just wouldn't eat like days and days and days I would just drink copious amounts of alcohol and snort shit it's a coke my nose was a complete mess it used to be so blocked it would be bleeding so badly and rather than thinking oh maybe you should stop I would just get a cotton wool blood trying to clear out blowing it so that even more blood was coming out I mean this really was not pretty just because I had to have more and people there were people that say oh yeah I kind of used enough I'm going home now I said what who does that alright that was not something I could do I just couldn't stop and the obsessing over it was the worst thing for me because I just couldn't stop thinking about where I was gonna get it I could be a family party and all I'd be thinking about was using I just I couldn't enjoy life because all my mine was taken up with with drugs I just wanted coke that ones ear and anything could trigger me I could go into a pub toilet and if it smells similar to the pub that I'm used to using in that would trick me if I went to the cinema that would trigger me because I used to use drugs when I went to the cinema I can remember sitting there in the cinema like looking at big screen and thinking I need to do a line I need to do a line so I'd get up had to go and do a line had to come back and him as soon as I'd sat down is I need to do another line I mean I never watched the film it was constantly I need to do drugs when I was like with friends down the pub they could all be laughing and having fun and I'd just be sat there like tapping my leg thinking where am I gonna get some gear where am I gonna get some gear and I just couldn't enjoy life I struggled with anxiety anyway and I've be stood in a pub thinking everyone's staring at me I really you know the paranoia that comes with it and so I would go and do a line of coke which would make me ten times worse and they not be completely freaking out and I would just go and do more drugs and it got to the point like I don't sing this is gonna mess me up but I would still do it I could not admit I had a problem I can remember saying to people when people kind of hinted to me that I might have a problem saying no look it's a problem when the drugs control you but actually I'm completely in control I choose to use cocaine it's my choice and if I wanted to stop I would but I just don't want to stop well I'm telling you now that was a complete lie I was lying to myself by saying that I thought I was in control I wasn't the drugs completely controlled me my life was completely spiraling out of control I couldn't hold down a job my relationship was in bits I got to the point or isolate I was not sociable with it whereas in the beginning and that's the thing I think when we do drugs the first hit we ever get so amazing we spend the rest of our lives messing up our bodies messing up our minds trying to get that same high that we got the first time we ever used and it never comes so I am completely yeah so like in the beginning it was really enjoyable and I reduced socially I would go out in the end I would just be sat on my own in a room using drugs to paranoid to talk to anyone doing crosswords like a crazy person just cross her head after crossword like I had no life I completely isolated I cut out all the people close to me and it was just like me and poke that was there it was just us together against the world and it really was not a good relationship and I am so fortunate and that I realized actually I have a problem because by putting my hands up and saying I have a problem I then went to rehab and I spent six weeks in a primary care rehab and followed by five or six months in the secondary and here's the thing a lot of people do rehab they get that clean time and they leave and don't do anything else and then they pick up again because we can get clean we can't stay clean so when I left rehab I started doing 12-step fellowships I did cocaine anonymous there's Narcotics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous but I did see a and that really helped me in the beginning for those you that subscribe to my channel you know I suffered with borderline personality disorder and for me the borderline was always the real problem and my cocaine addiction the cocaine was actually the solution to my problem because I had borderline it made me feel like shit I took drugs I felt better and so when I got into a recovery I needed to instead of just saying right and cutting out the drugs because if I did that I would then pick up something else whether it be alcohol whether it's shopping addiction whether it's gambling there's I would do something else because I needed something to make me feel better so what I did I did I threw myself into like dialectical behavioral therapy which is kind of like CBT and I learned new skills to help me because I needed skills to replace the bad coping mechanisms and that's why I did I mean I'm nearly five years clean now I can enjoy my children watching them grow up little things just watching them play and seeing them laughing when I was in my addiction I couldn't do that I just couldn't because I can remember I mean I was my oldest - were one and three when I first came into recovery so they were very young but I remember like taking them to the park and they're playing and all I'm thinking is I need to get some drugs I need to get some drugs and I just couldn't enjoy them the addiction completely took over so much but now I have four children they know about addiction to a certain extent I talk about it in a very age-appropriate way as I do with mental health with them as well because I think it is good for them to know these things and my past am i ashamed of it I have a lot of regrets but you know what it's got me where I am today I'm a much stronger person today I do my channel today trying to help others and show others look I know how bad it can get I know you can think there is no way out but trust me I got clean and not only did I get clean I stayed clean and I believe anyone can but I was taking that first step and saying yeah I have a problem and for years and years and years I did not think I had a problem I just went own up to it I was lying to myself basically and I think I'm gonna leave that video there today guys because I can hear baby screaming she's with dad in the other room so I better get into her but I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend and I'll be back next week I love you all it
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