I spent years addicted to cocaine but could never admit that I had a problem, preferring to believe that I was in control rather than admitting the drugs controlled me. Physically and mentally it destroyed me . Luckily I have been clean for nearly 5 years and life is so much better than my using days. I forgot to mention that I actually feared getting clean as I didn’t think life could be enjoyable without drugs – but life is so much more enjoable without them.

Transcript:
hi guys happy Friday and you've got to
excuse the hair I had straightened it
this morning and I went out to get
Easter eggs and it was raining and this
has happened and I literally can't be
bothered to straight me again all four
kids are home today so they're running
around and I've been trying to get this
video done for about half an hour they
finally gone outside in the rain so
let's see okay so today I'm going to
talk about cocaine addiction because it
was something I struggled with for years
and years and I'm well aware that I
haven't done an addiction video in a
while now my cocaine addiction want me
to the darkest places I there are times
I just wanted to die I never ever
thought I would become an addict when I
first used I'd look around the pub and
it was all kind of normal people that
were using cocaine everyone was using it
it was teachers estate agents bankers
plumbers builders they were people that
had jobs they held down jobs they had
families but they could come out and use
cocaine and I didn't see why I would be
any different but I quickly realized I
was different because I could do nothing
in moderation I've always needed more
and I realized that like I would get
some coke and as soon as I had it I'll
be planning where am I gonna get my next
law I couldn't just sit and enjoy the
drugs I had it was constantly planning
and obsessing over getting more and more
and more and like I said it it took me
to a readout place I was mentally fucked
up I have done a video called cocaine
suddenly fucking mental and it really
really did not only mentally physically
it messed me off I could not eat when I
took coke so I just wouldn't eat like
days and days and days I would just
drink copious amounts of alcohol and
snort shit it's a coke my nose was a
complete mess it used to be so blocked
it would be bleeding so badly
and rather than thinking oh maybe you
should stop I would just get a cotton
wool blood trying to clear out blowing
it so that even more blood was coming
out I mean this really was not pretty
just because I had to have more and
people there were people that say oh
yeah I kind of used enough I'm going
home now I said what who does that
alright that was not something I could
do I just couldn't stop and the
obsessing over it was the worst thing
for me because I just couldn't stop
thinking about where I was gonna get it
I could be a family party and all I'd be
thinking about was using I just I
couldn't enjoy life because all my mine
was taken up with with drugs
I just wanted coke that ones ear and
anything could trigger me I could go
into a pub toilet and if it smells
similar to the pub that I'm used to
using in that would trick me if I went
to the cinema that would trigger me
because I used to use drugs when I went
to the cinema I can remember sitting
there in the cinema like looking at big
screen and thinking I need to do a line
I need to do a line so I'd get up had to
go and do a line had to come back and
him as soon as I'd sat down is I need to
do another line I mean I never watched
the film it was constantly I need to do
drugs when I was like with friends down
the pub they could all be laughing and
having fun and I'd just be sat there
like tapping my leg thinking where am I
gonna get some gear where am I gonna get
some gear and I just couldn't enjoy life
I struggled with anxiety anyway and I've
be stood in a pub thinking everyone's
staring at me I really you know the
paranoia that comes with it and so I
would go and do a line of coke which
would make me ten times worse and they
not be completely freaking out and I
would just go and do more drugs and it
got to the point like I don't sing
this is gonna mess me up but I would
still do it
I could not admit I had a problem I can
remember saying to people when people
kind of hinted to me that I might have a
problem saying no look it's a problem
when the drugs control you but actually
I'm completely in control I choose to
use cocaine it's my choice and if I
wanted to stop I would but I just don't
want to stop well I'm telling you now
that was a complete lie I was lying to
myself by saying that I thought I was in
control I wasn't the drugs completely
controlled me my life was completely
spiraling out of control I couldn't hold
down a job my relationship was in bits I
got to the point or isolate I was not
sociable with it whereas in the
beginning and that's the thing I think
when we do drugs the first hit we ever
get so amazing we spend the rest of our
lives
messing up our bodies messing up our
minds trying to get that same high that
we got the first time we ever used and
it never comes so I am completely yeah
so like in the beginning it was really
enjoyable and I reduced socially I would
go out in the end I would just be sat on
my own in a room using drugs to paranoid
to talk to anyone doing crosswords like
a crazy person just cross her head after
crossword like I had no life I
completely isolated I cut out all the
people close to me and it was just like
me and poke that was there it was just
us together against the world and it
really was not a good relationship and I
am so fortunate and that I realized
actually I have a problem because by
putting my hands up and saying I have a
problem I then went to rehab and I spent
six weeks in a primary care rehab and
followed by
five or six months in the secondary and
here's the thing a lot of people do
rehab they get that clean time and they
leave and don't do anything else and
then they pick up again because we can
get clean we can't stay clean so when I
left rehab I started doing 12-step
fellowships I did cocaine anonymous
there's Narcotics Anonymous Alcoholics
Anonymous but I did see a and that
really helped me in the beginning for
those you that subscribe to my channel
you know I suffered with borderline
personality disorder and for me the
borderline was always the real problem
and my cocaine addiction the cocaine was
actually the solution to my problem
because I had borderline it made me feel
like shit I took drugs I felt better and
so when I got into a recovery I needed
to instead of just saying right and
cutting out the drugs because if I did
that I would then pick up something else
whether it be alcohol whether it's
shopping addiction whether it's gambling
there's I would do something else
because I needed something to make me
feel better so what I did I did I threw
myself into like dialectical behavioral
therapy which is kind of like CBT and I
learned new skills to help me because I
needed skills to replace the bad coping
mechanisms and that's why I did
I mean I'm nearly five years clean now I
can enjoy my children watching them grow
up little things just watching them play
and seeing them laughing when I was in
my addiction I couldn't do that I just
couldn't because I can remember I mean I
was my oldest - were one and three when
I first came into recovery so they were
very young but I remember like taking
them to the park and they're playing and
all I'm thinking is I need to get some
drugs I need to get some drugs and I
just couldn't enjoy them the addiction
completely took over so much
but now I have four children they know
about addiction to a certain extent I
talk about it in a very age-appropriate
way as I do with mental health with them
as well because I think it is good for
them to know these things and my past am
i ashamed of it I have a lot of regrets
but you know what it's got me where I am
today I'm a much stronger person today I
do my channel today trying to help
others and show others look I know how
bad it can get
I know you can think there is no way out
but trust me I got clean and not only
did I get clean I stayed clean and I
believe anyone can but I was taking that
first step and saying yeah I have a
problem and for years and years and
years I did not think I had a problem I
just went own up to it I was lying to
myself basically and I think I'm gonna
leave that video there today guys
because I can hear baby screaming she's
with dad in the other room so I better
get into her but I hope you all have a
wonderful Easter weekend and I'll be
back next week I love you all it
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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