hi my lovelies today I'm going to
revisit an old video that I did called
the first time I tried cocaine and
there's a few reasons I'm going to
revisit that video and I'll explain now
basically that video was done a couple
of years ago it's one of the first that
I did for my channel when I just started
my channel and I did basically a video
on the first time I tried to cocaine
which turned out to be the video on my
channel with the most views but I also
did cocaine and the middle years cocaine
and the final years and my rock bottom
but a lot of people don't watch those
they just watched the rotten fount the
first time I tried it so I get messages
from people asking me am I in recovery
yes I am I spent about seven seven more
months living in a rehab where I came
off the drugs I have been in recovery
for a few years now and my video I used
to get messages or still get messages
saying stuff like I'm thinking about
trying it and I never wanted my video to
be an an advert for using coke but I
don't think I went into much detail
about just just how bad it got for me
and how it destroyed my life destroyed
my loved ones lives and because like I
said I talked about that in other videos
but then I'm realizing those other
videos aren't getting watched people are
just focusing on this so I kind of
wanted to highlight the fact that I am
in recovery I don't use drugs today and
I haven't for years I talked in that
video about addiction and how it doesn't
matter what you're addicted to you can
be addicted to cocaine you could be
addicted to heroin you could be addicted
to marijuana or weed addiction is
addiction and the amount of comments I
get saying like duh marijuana's not
addictive and I just wish those people
could see
people that I've met that have had an
addiction to marijuana they can give up
heroin they can give up all the drugs
but they cannot stop smoking weed same
marijuana is not additive is like saying
sex is not dicta v' people can have a
sex addiction people can be addicted to
gambling people can be addicted to
shopping people can be addicted to
social media and people can be addicted
to weed so I wanted to point that out as
well I am going to take you back again
it's the first time I tried cocaine and
tell you just how quickly it got help it
spiraled out control for me because for
me it was very fast I will just always
anti drugs but I started going out with
the guy that was a dealer and I'd go
down pub and everyone was using everyone
seemed to be using cocaine and I was the
odd one help it became like the norm
normal for people to be using coke and
so I started questioning it thinking why
don't I use it some of these people that
are using are teachers they get up and
teach in a school and they're able to do
that you know they were they were
professional people and they could hold
down a job and so in my eyes they
couldn't be addicts so cocaine couldn't
be that bad and I remember it said
clearly I was walking home with my
boyfriend at the time he was so drunk I
was literally I had my arm around him
holding up my hand was in his back
pocket I felt a wrap and I thought it
would be funny to take the rap because
he was so drunk he wouldn't notice when
he's freaking out the next day I go haha
here it is um but I didn't do that I got
home and I got curious so I sat in my
usual bedroom at my mom's house
and I opened up I saw the white powder
and I did a line a coke looking back I
don't know how I knew even how to cut up
a line I've never seen it done but I did
it and I liked the way it made me feel
one thing I've never liked is feeling
out of control like acid and stuff is
not my thing I went to Amsterdam once
and I did magic mushrooms I had the
worst trip of my life it was literally
the first and last time I ever did magic
mushrooms because I didn't like
hallucinating I did not like feeling out
control cocaine made me feel in control
I even more control that when I wasn't
taking it so I felt confident I felt
like I could take from the world like I
was so strong and like I was superwoman
or something and for me I had been
bullied at school and I was never able
to defend myself and all of a sudden I
took something and I felt like I could
defend myself against anyone in the
world and looking back I wish I could
have seen into my future then and seen
just how bad my life got over the next
10 years but I couldn't I cannot see
into the future so I took the line and
the next day I wanted half a gram the
next day I wanted half a gram for I know
it is built up to a gram and then two
grams and then eight and it completely
took over my life and I never realized
that's the thing looking back I think
you know I didn't even realize I was
addicted I used to actually say to
people you only addicted when the drugs
control you and I'd say they don't
control me I choose to use every day so
it's my choice looking back now that was
a completely life that was me in denial
I did not use
um freely I was using against my will
there were times I was lying in bed
hearing my heart bang you thinking I'm
going to die I'm going to have a heart
attack but I'd still have to go and do
another line and then another and
another and there were times I suffered
anxiety and so I would take coke and
that would make me so much more anxious
like I was like this little nervous
freak in the pub completely freaking out
thinking if I was talking about me the
paranoia everything was worse and I
think for a lot a decline dove spend the
rest of your life trying to get that
high you get the first time you use it
and you never ever get that again you
like just get worse and worse and worse
and you hurt those around you my my life
was so bad drugs completely controlled
there I put drugs before anyone and
there were times I never ever thought
I'd be able to stop like when I hit rock
bottom and I accepted oh my god I'm an
addict
I then freaked out thinking I'm never
gonna get clean because I couldn't
imagine not using drugs but for anyone
that is addicted out there recovery is
possible I can happily talk about
cocaine today and not get that little
buzz in my stomach where I think I'm
gonna go and get some which is how it
was like back then even if some I just
heard someone say the word coke god be
getting a little buzzed not having to go
out and spend the money that I had
buying I used to make sure I went out
with dealers just so it was on tap
basically because I wanted drugs
and but I never wanted my old video to
be an advert for taking cocaine because
like I said it nearly destroyed my life
and why take that chance
first of all no one knows exactly what
they're taking either why risk that why
risk your future where is the happy
future just for trying something that
has the opportunity to destroy your life
but we take that gamble and for me it
was the worst gamble of my life but
there it is I'm gonna leave it there
guys but like I said if you want to know
more about my addiction I have a
playlist on addiction basically so I'll
leave that there
my BAE