Just heard your mum on lbc talking about what you’ve been through just wishing you all the best and think your web site you’ve set up is brilliant
Thank you very much Neil xxx
Totally agree with Neil. Awesome stuff all the way from NZ!
Thank you so much! xxx
Hi i tried to ordet your book on Amazon but i was NOT ready to order yet..?? ❤️
Hi hunni, it is available for pre-order. The actual book will be published and dispatched in October xxx
Hi! I don’t know how to get in touch with you. You’re doing a great job! I am 50 years old and still struggling. You’re doing well. Keep up the good work! Lots of love, M
I heard your Mum talking on LBC today and came straight to your website.
You are so brave to share your experiences, and I think what you are doing is absolutely amazing, because in truth a lot of the problems your videos cover people just don’t talk about, and a lot of people who are suffering try to keep everything bottled up inside.
I went through a similar time to you at school, I also went to a private school and was bullied for over 6 years, and in a similar way to what your Mum described on the radio, they made me feel worthless and knocked my confidence. Luckily for me the main bullies got expelled before we entered 6th form and their ‘henchmen’ decided to grow up a bit, so I did not fall into the same dark place that you did, but even now as a 33 year old married father with a successful career I still find my mind reflecting on those years.
You come across as such an eloquent and strong woman, and what you are doing will give a lot of hope/comfort to a lot of people out there. Your Mum must be so proud of you!
All the best to you and your family!
Hi Tom, thank you for your message. The bullies at my school also left before 6th form but the damage was already done really. Unfortunately when you’ve spent years being bullied it does tend to stick with you. I still don’t like to think back to my school days really. I don’t see how looking back will help me – I do believe in karma though and I think that helps slightly! I do worry that my children will get bullied at school like I did. I just hope if that ever happens they will be able to open up and tell me so I know about it. Luckily for me having been bullied myself hopefully I would spot the signs! From your message it sounds like you have a wonderful life now and if I were you I wouldn’t dwell too much on the past. Instead you can use that life experience to your advantage. Sometimes these negative experiences actually make us stronger without us even realising it. It sounds as if you are stronger than you think. You should look forward instead to the wonderful life ahead of you. I wish you all the best xxx
Hi there I am so delighted I found your blog,
I really found you by accident, while I was looking on Google for something else, Anyways I am here
now and would just like to say thanks for a marvelous post and a all round thrilling
blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to go through it all
at the moment but I have bookmarked it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back
to read a great deal more, Please do keep up the awesome b.
Thank you so much xxx
Thank you so much x
Thanks so much for coming to tell us your story at uni today. It was very brave of you to stand up in front of us all and tell it with such genuineness and honesty.
I can relate to lots of what you said having spent 10yrs of my past regularly using cocaine, ecstasy, alcohol and cannabis which all got out of hand by the end… It’s amazing that you’ve turned your life around and are giving back your experiences so that we can learn from it and other addicts can be inspired.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much. To be honest I didnt plan for the talk at all – I kept meaning to sit down and plan it but never seemed to get the time. I hope I made some sense. I really do feel that I am one of the lucky ones – addiction is a deadly killer. Since moving down here 2 and a half years ago the amount of people Ive met that have died from this is shocking. Like I said there were 6 alone that I did treatment with. It was lovely to see you all yesterday. Its a shame I didnt get to meet you all properly. Well from your message it sounds as if you have finally turned your life around as well. I wish you all the luck with your studies. I think someone with your history would be perfect in the sector you are studying simply because you have your own life experiences and you will be able to understand and be less judgemental. Thank you so much for the message. I wish you all the best xxx
My name is Chris and I would like to thank you for your videos. I am also a recovering addict and have had to find ways of coping with life in order to stay well
Your videos are inspirational
You are very open and honest and I have felt comfort from you sharing your experiences
Thank you so much for your message Chris. Life in recovery isn’t always easy but when I look back to just how much of a mess my life was, it makes me so grateful that I managed to get recovery. In the beginning there were times I just had to hang on for dear life but over time it gets easier. It was a nice feeling once I started regaining all the things I had lost in addiction. Not just material things but also things like relationships, self esteem etc. Thank you for watching my videos and I wish you all the best in your recovery. Lots of love xxx
Thanks for your reply
It’s interesting you say about relationships being affected. One thing I noticed started to improve a lot once I stopped cocaine, my ability to care and notice other people. It was only then that I realised the damage that had been done. I was in a spiral of putting up walls and ignoring people who genuinely cared. This is really the main motivation to stay away from it for me. I had forgotten how much happiness other people had given me and how I had just taken this for granted
Cocaine has left me feeling very remorseful about the pain I have caused others. My life had become a total mess
Your advice about planning a simple routine has helped to manage everything and give meaning again where there was none.
Your videos have been playing a lot in my house. I have felt lonely since stopping because I have isolated myself from people who used to care.
Your videos have given me inspiration and I feel sure about a new future listening to you talk about things
If you want to stay in touch in future to support each other’s recovery my email address is Ringo.firstname.lastname@example.org
Best wishes Chris
Thank you so much for your message Chris and thank you for watching my videos. Yes relationships get destroyed in addiction. At one point I thought I had so many friends – but looking back I see they were just people that I used with – they were never real friends at all. In the end however I isolated. Like you I pushed away all the people that cared – mostly because they would worry about me and I didn’t want to admit to anyone, not even myself that I had a problem. I just refused to talk about it – I just wanted to be left alone to use drugs and drink myself into oblivion! Thinking back I also realise that I was deluded enough to think that a lot of the people who cared about me had no idea about my problem! I believed I hid it so well and they really didn’t have a clue and I wanted to keep it like that so would stay away from them as much as possible. I am sad to hear that you feel lonely. Have you ever heard of ‘HALT’ – Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. These are all things that could possibly lead to relapse. I don’t know what your recovery journey is but have you ever been to a 12 step meeting – AA, NA, CA etc. I know there are people out there that don’t believe thy work, but there are also hundreds of thousands of people that have got clean going to these meetings. Maybe you could go to a meeting. If you started to go regularly you would be sure to make friends there. I don’t know how many meetings a week you have where you live but in some areas you can get meetings daily or at least a few a week. I know so many people, myself included who threw themselves in to meetings – doing one most days. This is a great way to meet people who understand what youve been through and it will keep you busy rather than being sat at home on your own. Boredom is another thing that can lead to relapse. In the beginning when my Mum still had my children and I was fresh out of rehab I signed up for college courses as well (some are free). It was just another thing to keep me occupied. A lot of people also volunteer at places – whether its a homeless shelter or charity shop etc. Try and not feel too remorseful for the pain you have caused others. Feeling guilty is not going to change anything. What you can do is focus on keeping clean today by looking after yourself. Once you feel better you can slowly look at making ammends to those you hurt. I am sure that you staying clean is an ammends in iteself to those closest to you. Try and not beat yourself up too much – it’s not like you went around hurting people while you were clean and sober. You were sick – addiction is like a mental illness. You never chose to be an addict. Maybe you chose to try the drug for the first time but you never thought it would get so out of hand that even when you wanted to stop you couldn’t. Look to the future. Set yourself a few small goals to aim for – whether it be a college course, a new job, saving some money and treating yourself to something nice or a holiday. Just keep your goals small to start with. Think about how you can reach your goal(s). What can you do today that will get you one step closer. For example could you go to your local college and enquire about courses. Could you get an old pot and put a pound coin in there? Could you start writing a CV? By reaching your small goals your self esteem will build. It will also be another thing you can put in your weekly planner when planning your days. In treatment we were made to do a weekly planner once a week at the same time on the same day. We would go through each day one at a time and write out all our plans. We would even put in the planner our ‘planning session’ for the following week. You need to think about a regular time for each of your three meals a day. Its important to eat regularly and eat well. Not loads of junk food! You could even plan what meal you have on what day. Wow – I have just realised how much I have written! Probably bored you to death! You will have a very positive future whilst in recovery. Things just get better and better. They say in 12 step meetings that in the first 2 years you are still classed as a newcomer. I think sometimes once we find recovery we want it all and we want it now! We have to learn to be patient. Thank you so much for your message again. Unfortunately I can’t email anyone privately but you can find me on twitter, youtube and instagram and feel free to message me here any time. I wish you all the happiness in the world! xxx
Thanks for getting back to me and your great reply
I have been to AA meetings before about 15 years ago. I had problems with both alcohol and cocaine back then too and managed successfully to get free and go on to live a happy life for a long time. I met someone and lived with them for about 10 years. Sadly one day a year ago this relationship ended and I was totally devastated. It was here that my real problems began. To deal with the loss I started using cocaine again and justified this by not drinking ! I was able to replace some of the happy feelings I was missing so much. Very quickly my brain became very confused about what it was missing and I suddenly had created a monster. The destructive sensuous effect of cocaine was mixed up with my emotional feelings and I was not able to seperate the two. Soon my behaviours and actions stopped me from dealing with anything and I was now totally addicted to cocaine and drinking again to deal with that . The more I did the more I became confused about the relationship ending. I didn’t get over her but just lived in a drug fuelled dreamland
Two needs added together subtract the emotional pain temporarily and then the hideous comedown and I got depression that I had never come across before. I wanted to end everything.
Anyone who is considering temporarily using drugs to deal with emotional pain then please don’t do it because it makes it ten times worse !!
I would like to help anyone in this situation and would happily share my story in more detail if it could be of any help.
I wish you luck in your own recovery and your bid to help others with your website and videos – truly admirable
Thank you so much for sharing some of your story Chris. You are completely right that using drugs to temporarily heal emotional pain is the worst thing you can do. I suppose it is like if you had a really bad cut on your arm and you just wrap it up in a bandage without cleaning it first or putting any antiseptic on it. To start with it feels a bit better – when in fact after a while it will become infected and get 100 times worse. That’s exactly what the drugs do – they mask the initial pain but they are not actually treating the root of the problem. It’s amazing that you managed to get so many years recovery previously. You have proved to yourself before that you can do it. I suppose once someone has had so many years clean time and then they relaspe an element of pride comes in and sometimes that can get in the way of either going back to the fellowship or finding recovery. Pride is a killer. Never be too proud to go back and ask for help. You hear stories all the time of people that got multiple years sobriety only to relaspe again. If you went back in to the meetings and shared your story with others you could potentially save someones life. Thank you again for the message and stay well! xxxxxx
I would like to share a couple of quotes I know
“The kindest of hearts always feel the most pain …. ”
This quote has helped me to stay clear of cocaine and the need to feel happiness on demand
Another one I like from Julius Caeser ( so goes back a bit !)
“The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look”
What is great about giving up cocaine is to find your spirit again. It means a lot and is valuable
Hope you are well? Just want to say I just watched your video about BPD relationships. I was in a relationship with someone who had BPD. Your video was probably the most accurate account of what it must be like as a sufferer of this illness. It also helped me understand the aggression and intensely emotional rollercoaster.
We split up 5 years ago and I still think about her and hope she is ok. Great stuff you are doing here for not only suffers of BDP but partners as well.
Keep up the great work. Amazing stuff.
Hi Dave, Thank you so much for your comment. I do actually want to do a video about the partners of people with BPD. They so often get overlooked. I suppose all the focus is on the actual sufferer of BPD. It is so hard for loved ones as well. They put up with A LOT – and so often they don’t have any support for themselves. Thanks again for your comment. I wish you all the best, take care xxx
thank you for your videos on Youtube! I enjoy watching them. Especially your last one (Is BPD for life?) gave me some hope, that I may be able to improve my life with BPD. I’m on a waiting list for a DBT group and looking forward to start there asap.
I wish you, and your family, all the best!
Hi Henry – thank you so much for your comment and for watching my videos. There absolutely is hope that you can go on and live an amazing life! I have no doubt about that. It is literally just finding the right treatment – like I said in the BPD for life video – a mix of meds, counselling, therapy and learning skills! Good luck in your recovery! Lots of love xxx
Every time I think that I might have borderline I start to watch your videous on youtube, I read so many articles and stories on the internet and i catch myself scared that many symptoms actually describe me, even my boyfriend described me the way internet describes borderline except he doesnt know my inner world that some articles described very well. I try to explain him my thoughts and emotions but that’s probably impossible mission. But I see that he wants to help me.. it’s probably true that only you can help yourself but then I start thinking that nobody deserves me healthy if he didn’t move right steps to help me in the past. You can’t have me only when it’s all sunshine and rainbows. So I really hope that he will get all this seriously. On the other hand I can’t believe that someone would love me all these years no matter what so I push him to the point where we don’t know what to do, or maybe I’m just playing my borderline game.. Borderline makes me do some crazy stuff and after all these years of my life, I’m ready to admit that I have a problem named borderline. I’m now 22 and problems started from the day I was born so disorders are not something so strange for me. I even feel some kind releaf because there are some explanations for my behaviour and maybe a better future. Well i found about borderline couple of years ago but i wouldn’t admit it to myself that it’s about me actually. I’m still all messed up and dont know what my further steps would be. I have to jiggle with disorder, college, friends and boyfriend, with various life situations where all people expect from me to act normal or to be better soon after falling down… I will now stop writing because otherwise I’ll make a 500 pages book from this text. And I think that I don’t need to much to explain to you, you probably uderstand me anyway. I hope you are doing fine and that you will continue doing videos! Sorry for my grammar mistakes, english is not my first language.
Hi Sweetiie – I thought your English was very goood by the way! Thank you for watching my videos and for commenting. Yes you are describing a typical BPD relationship were we push and pull people away. It is so hard when you have to juggle college and friends and boyfriend etc. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself though. The good thing is you are only 22! You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Also – BPD is manageable and you can still go on to have an amzing life and healthy relationships. It is all about getting the right treatment. DBT skills are amazing and if you can get on a DBT course then I would highly recommend it. I was the same as you when I found out I had BPD – I felt relief because I finally knew why I behaved the way I did. Just have faith that everything can work out well and try and accept any help that is offered to you by the medical proffessionals. Lots of love to you xxx
Thank you very much for your answer! I needed it and now in the morning is beautiful to read it. You wrote: “Try not to put too much pressure on yourself though.”, I agree with you 100 percent. Even though I should calm down, sometimes I can’t and it makes me even more emotional, chaotic, lost, angry, disappointed..or numb.. and it goes on and on just because I put too much pressure on me. Too much thinking, too much “what if”..
You sparkle so positively and inspire me to make changes. I owe you a lot. When I see you smiling I hope that it’s a true smile. I think that you are really strong person and a beautiful mum.
I’m sending you all my hugs and a whole bunch of love!
I have seen some of your videos on Youtube. Until very recently I worked with a young woman (she is 26) who, although I don’t think her experience is as bad as yours overall, I feel certain now is suffering from BPD. I first became aware of her problems earlier this year when she split up with her boyfriend. She ended it but it made her incredibly sad and from the ensuing conversations we shared it became clear she had huge self esteem issues, abandonment issues and a raft of other issues. I tried to help her and she agreed to go to a counsellor. She did this for four weeks and then went on holiday with some friends. She came back and told me that she wasn’t going to counselling any more as she “didn’t need it”. At various times after that she broke down and she did talk about going back to counselling but didn’t. I felt we were quite close but as time went on she became increasingly hard to talk to, becoming argumentative and disagreeable. I felt, as you describe in your video, that I had to walk on eggshells with her. She told me, a couple of weeks before she handed her notice in, that I was one of only three people in the world she could open up with. The others were her father, who she doesn’t get on with any more and who her abandonment issues seem to stem from, and a past boyfriend from about three years ago who broke her heart through cheating on her, repeatedly. I believe that her problems have intensified since this second experience. I was neither of these, as her employer, and I don’t know if she saw me as potentially fulfilling either of these roles in her life – both possibilities have been suggested to me.
Just over a month ago, despite the fact that she was really good at her job and we loved working with her and wanted to help her, she decided to leave and move away from the area and change her career. This was a difficult time and I felt very let down as I couldn’t understand why she felt the need to spend most of her notice period making me feel as if we had never really been friends. At one point she told me that it was “weird” that I cared that she was going. I know that she was following a classic pattern for people who struggle with abandonment. On her last day she told me that it was presumptuous of me to think that I understood what she was thinking. We had talked a lot over the preceding months and I knew that I did understand her.
Only in the last couple of days have I found out about BPD and everything seems clearer now.
I don’t know whether or not to contact her again and I don’t know what to say. I was left very hurt by what happened. I imagine that the ‘high’ she thought she was on when she left hasn’t dissipated as yet and so could it be that any contact wouldn’t be welcomed anyway? I could probably go on but would just be grateful if you can help at all with any suggestions about what, if anything I can do now? I have a clear conscience, in that I did my best and I know I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. But now, feeling sure that she needs help, I don’t want to let her down.
Hi, Thank you first of all for watching my videos and secondly for your comment. It is really nice of you to be so worried about this girl. A lot of people would have turned their backs. There is only so much you can do though and if she doesn’t want help then there is nothing else you can do, except be there as her friend if she wants to talk to you. You could always send her a link to either my website or YouTube channel. She can then perhaps watch the videos I have done on BPD. If she watches them chances are she will be able to relate to some of it and hopefully that is all she will need to get her to go to the doctor and try and get a diagnoses. Once diagnosed they can prescribe her medication and hopefully get her in to some therapy. Medication alone will not help and if she has BPD I doubt counselling alone will help. However, BPD can be managed and people can go on to have amazing lives and have healthy relationships. I hope that helps a bit. I wish you both the best of luck. Lots of love to you xxx
Hi recovery mom,
you are very brave, it’s very nice and admirable that you try to make people understand how BP people live the disorder. And also I’m very impressed because usually people that has BPD cannot see it. I just separated from my wife. She has bpd and npd traits, but she couldn’t see it and she was blaming everything on me. After 5 years of marriage, 3 couple therapy continuous fights, threatening about divorce, drama, control, jealousy of women, family and friends, feeling like in jail (when she was raging at me for hours, she would stop me for leaving forcing to get all her anger) , I decided that I could not live anymore like that and now I want to divorce and have a normal life. It’s very sad because I know she loves me, and I still love her but it’s not matter of love, the relationship was very unhealthy for both of us, she won’t change and we still don’t have kids, maybe she can find someone that would be able to handle her better than me. Thank you!
Hi – thank you so much for commenting and watching my videos. I have recently done a few videos about relationships and and bpd. My most recent was ‘Can you have a healthy relationship with someone with bpd’. The answer is kinds yes and no. It is Yes youcan – but only once the bpd is under control. If the bpd is not being treated properly and managed all relationships would carry on being intense and unstable unfortunately. It is so sad as you and your wife clearly love each other and yet you have to get divorced. The thing is – the time comes where you have to look after yourself and make the decision of whether oor not you can carry on living like that. Unless you wife seeks help I doubt anything would change. Maybe now you have left she will look in to getting a diagnoses or help. Maybe she will and then who knows what the future holds for you. I really wish you both all the best. Lots of love xxx
Thank you very much for your answers and your kind words. Unfortunately I’m not optimistic. After left she went to a see a new Therapist, but basically to keep blaming me and not to look into her self. Our couple therapist (that knew both of us from the beginning) diagnosticated her having BP and NP traits, and after I left she never met her to ask “Is something wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why my hubby left me?” That’s because when the therapist shifted the focus from me to her, she become a bad therapist, that didn’t really wanted to help us to stay togheter… al the woman are jelous of my wife…. it’s very sad!
Wish you the best, and thank you for you amazing work.
Amazing blog, I think you are incredible! Thanks so much for sharing your story.
I am currently bulimic and am struggling to see the way out, although I desperately want to. No one else knows about my problem and I would be reluctant to seek help- that seems incredibly daunting to me and I don’t want to hurt family/ friends…
If you don’t mind me asking- do you think it is possible to deal with it alone and what did you find helped you the most?
Hi Sweetie – thank you so much for your lovely comment. I haven’t done too many videos on bulimia actually and the reason for that is that it was the hardest thing for me to beat. That’s not to say it can’t be stopped though. i just think it would be so so hard to do it alone. Look, you can go and speak to your doctor and see if they can refer you to a specialist eating disorders clinic. Your family and friends do not need to know about it. However, sometimes the whole secrecy thing can keep it going longer. Maybe you could confide in just one close friend or family member that you really trust. I will also try and get another bulimia video done in the next few weeks talking about some of the skills I learnt. Take care of yourself Hunni and I would definitely see a doctor and get yourself some help around this – if you don’t you risk having a battle that lasts over 16 years like I did. Lots of love to you xxx
Thanks Sherhina for doing all these videos I love watching them and I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart as it gives me ways on how to cope with my illness I’m on so many tablets for my mental health and my brain disorder.
All of the very best hun to you take care.X
Thank you my lovely xxx
Amazing help from your website!!!!
I really appreciate your videos it gave me a lot of clarity about my ex-girlfriend who is a borderline personality I would like to speak to you if you have a chance thank you Joel
Hey – yes of course. People tend to private message me on my YouTube channel. If you go on YouTube my channel is ‘Recovery Mum’. If you go to the about me bit on my page there should be somewhere you can click to send a private message and I will be able to get back to you. I’m ofetn a couple of days behind trying to get back to people though so please don’t think I’m ignoring you! Thank you for watching my videos and for your comment! Lots of love xxx
I am 39 from London and you remind me a lot of me. I have been drinking non stop for 2 years, tried cocaine (did nothing for me), I have been trying to kill myself and failed several times.
I just wish there was a peaceful and quick way out.
Hi Hunni – I am so so sorry for such a late reply! I hope you are ok. Yes I have been exactly where you have been – drinking myself in to oblivion just to numb the pain. I too had multiple suidie attempts – but today I am so grateful none of them were successful. Life is good for me today – and it can be for you too. I would speak to your doctor and try and get help from a mental health team. Sometimes we just have to fight to get our recovery – but it is so worth it though. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel – just because you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Hang on in there. You could also try AA meetings for the drinking. All different meetings are different so try a few and see if any are ok for you. You will meet non judgemental people who will be able to give you some support. Sending you lots of love xxx
Hey there Recovery Mum,
I am not going to bother you with my sad story, because it is similar to other sad stories out there, but I do want to thank you for putting the effort in your youtube channel. It is great seeing someone “on the other side of the window” doing well.
Your videos “Q & A – BPD “, later “unwilling to get help” and others really got to me. I feel sincerity and also clarity in your monologues, which I suppose is rare for a person with this illness. I was schooled in engineering ways, so when my abrupt fiasco happened, I had no clue why she suddenly left to another man in a matter of days and logic didn’t help. I did educate myself about the issue, but it was mostly from a neutral or “it’s all her fault” point of view.
Seeing your videos, hearing things you, a person who suffers, have to say and saying it without a facade on your face gives me some sort of solace. I will be hoping she also finds her ways like you did and lives a long and healthy life.
Again, thank you for your videos.
Hi, I am so sorry for the late reply. I have a back-log of comments I am currently working through! Thank you so so much for your comment. I am glad you found the videos helpful. That is so nice of you to wish her well, as I know partners can be left with a lot of hurt and confusion. I wish you all the best. Lots of love to you xxx
I tried to post this as a comment on a Youtube video “How can you tell your new partner you suffer with mental illness” and it wouldn’t post! I would appreciate it if you could chime in on this. Thanks!
How do I deal with and rationalize in my mind a partner who eventually decided that he does not want to be involved with someone with BPD after all? I received positive support from him initially and it genuinely warmed my heart that he would be accepting and supportive. And then as things go, I come on stronger than usual and he disappears entirely. To receive that compassion and then have it taken away so abruptly felt like a shock and is hard to deal with during my recovery time when I’m barely learning how to cope.
Hi Hunni, first of all I must apologise for the latest reply ever! I am literally months behind in my replies now and am thinking I am going to have to give up on trying to catch up but thought I’d get a few more done tonight. Wow – that is horrible what has happened. I know how we suffer with fear of abandonment anyway. I would say to you that perhaps he just didn’t understand it enough and maybe he thought he could handle it only to realise he wasn;;t strong enough emotionally. Whatever you do try and not take it personally. It just takes a VERY strong person that can deal with us bpders. I don’t know how you are now but no matter what you have got going on I would suggest you focus on your recovery. The further along in recovery you get the stronger you get and you will be better able to deal with life. Lots of love to you and sorry again for the late response xxx
Hello my lovely!
I am really looking for some advice. I watch your YouTube and I rememer a while ago you had a video talking about doing DBT as well as other treatments like AA etc. I have started DBT and just very recently started AA (a week ago). I am really enjoying the AA meetings – which I never thought I would.
Do you have any advice on how to ‘juggle’ AA with DBT? It’s clear already that some of the 12 Steps are in line with DBT but I am concerned there may be some conflict going forward or things I should be aware of.
Your input is very much apprecited!
Hi Sweetie – I am soooo sorry for this late response! You are probably through nearly all the steps by now! I’m so far behind in my replies to everyone and I apologise. Okay – well under my playlist called ‘The Solutions’ on here and on my You Tube channel I have all my videos on both the steps and oon DBT. However I haven’t actually combined them. For me personally I have never found them to be conflicting and I think they work really well together. I personally found the DBT helped my bpd more and once the bpd was under control I stopped using etc. I do however think the 12 steps are great as a spiritual tool. They each you to lead and honest life and help others. I am sure I have actually seen a book nefore that is about DBT and the 12 Steps. I am sure if you Google it you will find lots of helpful information! Sorry I can’t give you a better andswer. Perhaps I’ll add it to my video request list and do a video on it soon. Lots of love to you and good luck xxx
I have been watching your videos for a few weeks now and they have helped me so much. I have all of the traits of BPD and was diagnosed when I was in my teens. I was handling it well until over the last year I was diagnosed with crohns disease and the stress and physical pain from that triggered all of my mental health issues to severely surface. Once I get the crohns in remission I am going to go back to therapy and ask for specific therapy for bpd and learn how to regulate my intense emotions. One thing that always helped me was exercise and my body wont cooperate with me now so I lost my healthy coping skill. Your videos give me hope to keep fighting through my physical health issue which is totally debilitating and mental health issues. Every one of your videos I can relate to- about sex, self harm, feeling empty, freaking out and then feeling calm and rational. I keep going yes yes yes that’s me! My family and partner brought up how horrible ive been since I got sick with crohns and then I realized and I traced everything back in my life and realized I always had traits even when I thought I was doing well. I am looking forward to getting the help I need after my physical body can keep up with me. I know they’re connected though- mental and physical.
Hi Hunni, thank you for your lovely message. I’m sorry for such a late response. Yes physiccal pain ccan really effect us emotionally. I know how grumpy I am just when I have a headache! I have a good friend who has been in a lot of pain for a long term and she can get so down because of it. I hope you manage to get the Crohns into remission soon. Under my playlist called The Solutions I have done wuite a few vdeos on DBT which is a therapy for BPD. You might be able to pick up some useful coping skills that could help you in the meantime. Lots of love and good luck! xxx
I’ve been loving your videos and find your manner so watchable.
I’ve been stuck in the rut of not motivated too do much. I’m on step 5 and have been in programs since I was 20 and I am trying to get my life together after all these years..I still feel like I’m noWhere! Anyway, I am hoping to do some DBT soon too as I have been diagnosed with BPD too…keep shining and you’re really an inspiration so thank you x
Hi Hunni, thank you so much and I’m sorry for the late reply. Under my playlist called ‘The Solutions’ I have videos on both the 12 steps and on DBT so you might find them helpful as well. I think Ive only done videos up to step 9 though! Need to get the rest done soon. Well done on getting up to step 5 though and keep going because recovery is truly amazing. Lots of love xxx
My beautiful sister, Georgina, is suffering with mental health problems – she has been diagnosed with depression but I feel it is definitely something more.
She is only 22 and her life is being ruined by the way she is feeling/acting.
She has taken overdoses, regularly abuses drugs and alcohol, she is promiscuous and says she doesn’t care about herself or her body. She can be so lovely one minute and yet so horrible the next. We all love her so much and want to help her but we don’t know what to do for the best.
If you have any advice then I would be extremely grateful.
Hi Hunni, you poor things. It is so hard for family members to watch their loved one hurt themselves and seem to be spiralling out of control. Unfortunately there is not much you can do unless she is a risk to others or herself. If she takes another overdose go to the hospital with her and explain to the mental health docs that she can not go home – she needs help. That is what my Mum did anyway. She demanded they find me a bed on the mental health ward! In the end I was kept there for over 3 months! By being on there though I got the diagnosis of BPD. She may not thank you though. Perhaps you could show her some of my videos just so she can see if she can relate. If she can then it might prompt her to get help. I have done videos for family members so you may find them useful as well. I must add that it’s important that yourslef and your family look after yourselves as well. You will need to be strong too. Sending yourself, your sister and your family lots of love. xxx
I’m glad I found your videos. I recently suffered the collapse of my long-term relationship due to undiagnosed BPD. In the days after my boyfriend left me I started reflecting on my behaviours and after having had counsellors tell me in the past that I may have some kind of personality disorder (which I never gave a second thought) I did some reading. I eventually went private and have since been diagnosed with BPD with some histrionic and narcissistic traits (although not enough for a full diagnosis in those).
It’s a relief to be diagnosed in the sense that I now feel like i have something that is fixable and that i’m not just this horrible person that no one, even family, wants to be around. But at the same time I’m devastated it came too late to save my relationship with the best person I’ve ever had in my life. I’m in a bit of emotional freefall at the moment because as soon as he left me he has cut off all contact with me and my imagination is running crazy and one minute I’m hopeful that he’s ignoring me as he’s hurt and one day once he sees I’m better and coming back to being more realistic and thinking he’s probably relieved to be shot of me and I’ll never hear from him again. Given how scared I’ve been of losing him all this time, it’s more painful than anything I’ve ever felt. I can’t understand how he’s gone from telling me how much he loved me to cutting me off like I’m nothing. I’ve been going from neutral to sad to empty to suicidal to rage and back again – it feels like I have 5 different people inside me and I can’t seem to find any form of control in my life right now. Have you ever had this happen to you before you got treatment? At the moment I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I spend each day contemplating jumping off a bridge and all I want is him back in my life but even though I understand now that the relationship troubles are my fault, I don’t think he’ll ever give me the chance to explain myself and tell him how sorry I am. Do I just let it go? Leave him to fall in love with someone else?
I’m starting therapy now with MBT and I’m hoping to get referred to a MBT-DBT group class soon on the NHS. So fingers crossed things will get better from here on out as I’m in quite a dark place at the moment.
Hi my lovely, I really feel for you. Reading your comment I could almost feel the pain you are going through. It bought me back to a time when I experienced the worst emotional pain of my life. My ex husband (Hubby at the time) admitted to being more than just friends with my best friend at the time. To this day they both deny anything sexual happened but I checked his phone records and they were literally talking on the phone evry day to each other for hours without me having a clue! And meeting up at the pub for drinks together. I have never felt pain like it. I literally used to feel like my insides were being ripped out. Although the pain was emotional I could feel it physically. I attempted suicide a number of times in the year that followed. I stayed with my ex for nearly two years after it happened. And I stayed friends with the girl. I realised in the end that this was all causing me to endure the pain for longer though. I divorced him and moved away from the area. I still have to see him as he is the father of my eldest two children. Time is a great healer though and nowadays I don’t feel any anger towards him. I’m only explaining that so you understand that I too know what that immense pain is like. I am a big believer of what is meant to be will be. If this man is meant to be with you then one day you will be brought back together. For now I would advise you to try and focus solely on your recovery. I know this is easier said than done. If I were you I would focus so much on my recovery I wouldn’t have time to think of anything else. I would literally make myself busy to distract myself. I believe having a great balance in life is so good towards our recovery. Start focusing on key areas of your life. They could be seeing friends, health and fitness, recovery, learning about spirituality, work etc. Then start trying to include all these areas in to your life throughout the week. I to this day have a weekly planner. So for example, Monday could be: Wake up, breakfast and go for a swim/gym/run… come home and do some housework, lunch at a set time, go to MBT, meet friend for coffee, practice some mindulness, dinner at set time, watch a funny film to cheer me up, warm drink and read for twenty mins then bed. I mean you decide what things you could include in your week. It is often when we are just sat with our own thoughts that our mind can start working overtime. This gets us in to trouble. When I was in rehab the head lady there told us a great saying – “Your mind is like a bad part of town – do NOT go there on your own.” This is so so true. Hopefully with theraopy you will start learning new skills to help you cope. The best way for these skills to start working is for you to practice them – again and again, even when you don’t need them! Set aside time each day to do that. You will get through this and come out the other side stronger – but do it for you. Not for your ex. Regarding him cutting you off – I would say he is just really hurting himself and doesn’t know how to deal with things. He is probably trying to process everything. You could always send him a letter explaining you are sorry with the way things ended. You could also mention that you are now doing therapy to try and help yourself. BUT – if you do this do not sit and wait for a response. You may not get one. But at least you will have been able to try and put your message across. After that you really need to focus on you. You deserve to be well. In order to have the best chance at recovery you are better with no outside influences. Try and forget him as much as you can for now – again, I know that’s easier said than done! But distraction techniques and keeping busy can help. Also try and avoid listening to songs that you listened together or telly you watched together. It will just cause you emotional pain and you really do not need that as you are vulnerable right now. Please know that if you can find recovery and start learning to manage your emotions rather then them controlling you – you can go on and have amazing relationships – not just romantic ones but with friends and family also. You have a chance to have a really happy life. Give the therapy your all – like I said before – you deserve it and you owe it to yourself and to the future you. Lots of love xxx
Just saw your video about setting boundaries and how your BF would say he was coming back but had to leave. Soooooo funny, really made my day and breathed new life into my relationship with my GF of 3 years.
I can’t tell you how many times my GF has chassed me down the stairs of our apartment building in the middle of the night after I left after a horrible tirade.
Hey – yes we can be seriously hard work. I do know that. Although years ago I always thought it was the guy rather than me! With hindsight I can see it for what it was though! I hope your girlfriend gets the help she needs and deserves. Always feel free to send her my way to watch my videos. Sometimes it helps people when they can watch them and relate and think “yeah that’s me! I do that!” Good luck and lots of love to you both xxx
Hey love, it’s Gokoyes from YouTube. I just wanted to say you have really helped me a lot with many things and I truly want to thank know you.
I also wanted to ask for some adviceif it’s possible?
I have a friend who hado moved in around January and things were great (at first). We got along super well and had many different things in common.
However, lately it’s been getting to be a huge problem and I’m finding that it’s causing myself stress as things keep breaking down, she complains about things I cannot stop (and when I explain that I can’t do anything about it, she runs her mouth off like: I know you can’t but blah blah blah.) You see, we live with my son and my father and my dad can be difficult at times, but he is my biggest supporter and has done so much for me. When my friend me tools things about him in a negative way, I want to hit her..
Anyway it’s getting to be a huge problem as I’m holding in so much because with her personality type, she interupts me and tries to turn things around. I’m getting so aggravated and agitated and it is not helping my mental wellbeing at all.
I just was wondering if you have dealt with this before. I hate that I get so angry but with bpd, it Makes it harder for me to calm down.
And the funny thing is we might have a good chat one night and things feel fine but then she will do something very selfish and it’s back to despising her all over again…
Anyway! I hope you’re well!
Hi My lovely! Sorry I’m replying later to this comment than I did with the YouTube comments. I only access this page when on the laptop but can answer to my YT comments on my phone so I get to do them more often. Okay – so to answer your question… First of all I think when anyone spends a lot of time with someone they can start to get irritated by them. That’s why so many friends go away on holiday together and return in a mood with each other! It’s one thing seeing our friends and another actually being with them constantly! Secondly, I think your friend isn’t being such a great friend to you. She is living in YOUR house with YOUR family. I persoanlly would think she would be more respectful than to say things about your Dad. I am not surprised you find this hurtful. This would cause serious anger in myself also. The fact that she complains about you to you and you try and explain yourself and she doesn’t listen but instead ‘runs her mouth off’ as you said, tells me she is not really being a very nice friend. A true friend would listen and try to see it from your point of view. The fact that this is causing you so much stress just makes it worse. The last thing you need is to have stress added to your stress! Now I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you what I would do if it was me in that situation. I would personally sit down with this ‘friend’ and explain politely that I don’t feel us living together is working out. I would tell her that I am feeling a lot more stressed recently and feel that living with her is only adding to my stress levels. I would then say “as you are my friend I am sure you understand and won’t take it personally. I really want us to stay friends and if we carry on living together I don’t see that happening.” If she asked me why I would be completely honest and tell her the way she speaks about my dad is disrespectful and hurtful. I would also tell her that I have tried to speak to her about things on numerous occassions but she is not willing to listen. So, that’s what I would do Hunni. The thing is – you have BPD (I think!) – you need to put your recovery first and this person is really getting in the way of your recovery and therefore your hapy future that lies ahead. Hope that helps Sweetie. Good luck and lots of love to you, your son and your Dad xxx
Shehrina, I’m an OCD sufferer, but find your videos fascinating as I think a friend of mine may be BPD.
You communicate with such clarity, charm, humour & honesty.
Keep up your amazing contributions as you no doubt will be helping millions to cope…….
Thank you so much! Your message put a smile on my face! Lots of love xxx
Can you do a video about suicide? (CRISIS
From Alex Portass
Hi Alex – I have done a video titled Suicide before. It will be under my mental health playlist. Hope you are okay. Lots of love xxx
My name is Karen and from Canada. I’ve also been diagnosed with BPD, Anxiety and Depression. Currently, it has crippled me from work and school (literally crying everyday) but, waiting for a spot in therapy. Sometimes I like to watch films that depict a BPD person like “Fatal Attraction” or “Misery”. I recently watched a film called “Welcome to Me” and I find its the truest form of how I think BPD is portrayed so far. I am really curious to know your view points on depicting BPD on film and how a character is portrayed correctly or not.
I really admire your hard work to spread positive news and advise about having this disorder and wish you the best in all endeavours.
Hi my lovely, all the films in which I have seen that have a BPD character in I think have portrayed them in a very negative light. The problem is – unfortunately outwardly we an behave in a not-very-nice way. This is easily shown on screen. What is harder to show is the inner pain we are constantly dealing with. So to outsiders it just appears as if we are not nice people – which is completely not the case at all. I have never seen the film ‘Welcome to Me’ but will keep an eye out for it. I hope you don’t have too much longer to wait for therapy. With therapy you get out what you put in. Practice the skills as much as you can at home – even when you feel ok. I have done videos under my playlist called ‘The Solutions’ based on DBT. You might find some of them useful and you could even start practicing some of the skills now whilst you wait for therapy. Good luck Sweetie and lots of love xxx
Wow, I don’t know how I did it but my ex was borderline and the girl I just essentially kicked out is a cocaine addict (I knew she did cocaine but didn’t learn until a couple months ago the lengths she would go to get it, I had thought she was just casual with her friends). I was doing some looking on YouTube and happened upon your channel. I feel lucky!
I learned in the end there was nothing I could do to save my ex from herself and that no matter how well-intentioned I was, I wasn’t a professional psychologist and when things became terrifying, I just had to walk away. But this most recent girl, when I recognized there was an issue far beyond casual use (if you’re telling someone you’ll do a “gas tank” for an 8, you may have a problem). I explained to her that I would no longer give her money because the money was not being used to get a car, clothes, food, or anything I intended it to be used for. I did, however, tell her I would allow her to keep all her belongings in my home and she could have access to them at any time (she’s been homeless for at least two years, staying with whoever would allow her to stay there) as long as she began regular counseling which I would pay for. Of course when I stopped giving her $100 here or $200 there, she probably didn’t have much motivation to NOT do those things for blow, so…anyway.
It’s been six weeks and she has attended two sessions and missed two sessions. I feel as long as she has friends who provide her blow and a place to stay, she’s not even close to hitting bottom. So am I wasting my time? I’m trying to be the one friend who gives her an opportunity to find a better “her” but, I mean, if she gets free blow for doing whatever and a place to stay (and some of these places are pretty nice…there’s even a professional athlete in the mix here), what real motivation does she have to take a serious chance on realizing that if she’s trading your body for cocaine, she may have an issue?
Excuse the poor syntax and such. I’m doing more than one thing at a time. I think you get the flavor of what I’m asking just the same.
Hi, thank you for your comment. I personally don’t think she is ready for the professional help she needs. I had to be clean from the drugs and alcohol for me to finally start putting my skills in to practice to help with the borderline. I also know from experience that when I was finally ready for help there was no way I was going to miss even one appointment – I just wanted to be recovered too badly. You can still be a friend to her without giving her money or paying for her treatment. Once she is really ready then maybe you could consider helping her – but I can’t help but feel you are wasting your money at the moment. It is very kind of you but at the moment all you will be doing is enabling her to carry on doing what she is doing – I think you realise that yourself. She has to want to get well. She has to want to stop using drugs – nobody else can make that decision for her. Like I said – you can still let her know you are her friend and will be there to listen if she needs to talk but without giving her any money. Good luck to you both. Lots of love xxx
HI Mum! I seem to be the male American version of you… In a way. Just diagnosed with BPD 2 weeks ago. I am 58 years old, have had diagnoses over the years of dysthymia, Major depression, Major Depression Recurrent, etc. Psych hospital X 2, 30 day rehab X 1. I knew somehow, these things were treating the symptoms, but not the problem. Finally, I got a therapist that said ” I think You have BPD”. As we looked into it, that thought seemed to solve the mystery. EXCEPT, I never had outward rage, always inward. Looking into that online, I found the term “Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder”. I ask YOU because, ironically, I am an RN, was admitted to the hospital I used to work at, yet, YOU, as someone that has LIVED it, I tend to trust more than someone that READ about it. I would be honored if you could either reply to me, or make a video on that topic…. You are an inspiration, god bless you. sincerely, Kurt
Hi my lovely – thank you so much for your comment. Believe it or not I have had a few people in the profession contact me to say they have BPD but they don’t feel they can tell anyone at work due to the stigma – which is such a shame. I have done a video before on quiet borderline personality disorder. It will be somewhere under my mental health playlist – soory I can’t tell you when I did it as I just don’t remember! It is definitely a subject I have talked about though. I always feel for the quiet borderlines because I just couldn’t imagine keeping all my feelings locked inside. It must be so painful. Well – bpd is just that isn’t it! Painful. BUT – recovery is possible so don’t give up hope. Sending you lots of love xxx
You are a real heroine- I have suffered from bpd like traits for most of my life- you are a breath of fresh air… it takes real courage to do what you do-
Thank you so much! Lots of love xxx
Hi Shehrina, you provided me with some really great advice about a year ago with regard to my girl friend with BPD, and I could really use your help with a question. Long story short, I love and adore my girl friend with BPD and am struggling to get her to go take a time out or space when she is activated and disregulated, so she can calm herself down and be more mindful in her actions and speech. I desperately, want to be able to simply say “sweetheart you seem a bit activated, would you mind taking a break to calm yourself down”. I have asked three separate physiologists and every one has told me, I just have to work on myself and go take a break on my own, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of her, learning to take action herself to regulate herself. I tried just taking a time out myself, but when I arrive back, she is even more upset because I left. Also, the times I very nicely suggested she was activated and to take a time out, I often found something being thrown at me or she gets more angry. What did your husband do or say that helped you to know he cared about you but was noticing strong emotions. Are my therapists right, I should simply leave the room myself? The challenge is when I leave the house my girl friend has huge abandonment issues. We did agree that if either one of us was activated we would take a 15 min timeout and each go in separate rooms. This works a bit, but I just want to be able to say, “hun your are activated, can you go take care of your self”, is this bad?
Hi my lovely. I have done a vid on boundaries before which you may find useful. I understand where you are coming from but I can also understand it from your girlfriends point of view as I have been there. The thing is, she has to WANT to take time out – you cannot make her and I guess that’s why the professionals tell you to take timeout for yourself. Perhaps you could tell her (when things are good) that when you feel stressed you will take some time out and that it does not mean you are abandoning her and you will return once you feel calm. Then next time you need time out you can repeat what you had said – that you are taking some time out but you love her, are not abandoning her and will return in a bit. She may still kick off the first few times but eventually she will learn that you do return and it will get easier for her. Another idea is that you could say “I need some time out – shall we go for a walk and grab an icecream?” That way she has the choice to join you. You could both walk in silence in a nice park or something. You don’t necessarily need to say tthat SHE needs time out – you can say that YOU do but would she like to join you. This way she won’t feel that you are pointing the finger at her and she is less likely to get defensive. I can’t guarantee it will work but it’s worth a try. Good luck! xxx
I really really want to thank you.
In August 2016 I started watching your videos , I was 20 then and the time and since 2012 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. When I started watching your videos I was 12 weeks pregnant with my beautiful little boy I knew it was something more than just anxiety and depression . I can’t remember what video of yours it was … i think It was BPD and friendships. I had a falling out with one of my closest friends who is bipolar and we into a row and it really made me feel crap. I you ingrosed in your videos to the point my friends would come round and I would get them to sit and watch your videos and I would keep saying to them “look that’s how I feel, that’s me!” And after I watched I was convinced I was BPD . Urghh looking back i cringe at how bad that must have been for them as in as I was just being self self self..
March 2017 I gave birth to my beautful baby. June I was told that I had ptsd and post natal depression. I was then was referred for CBT sessions…the therapy didn’t work. I was listening to the guy but when it came to applying these “techniques” in the situation I just can’t do it .. I was then refered to an ADHD psychologist. He told me I’ve got ADHD after the session but I just completely went in a I dont give a shit mode and acted like everything was fine and glittery and just spoke really fast.
I was put on medication for ADHD which i gave it 3 weeks..no difference so he upped my dose .. still no difference..
I was then called into him for another assessment. In there for an hour he sat and told me he thinks I have a mood disorder and suggested bipolar, so then he put me on lamotrogene onto 50mg .. after 3 weeks I had a 50mg twice a day. I actually felt alright. he was only qualified in ADHD so he then made a referal to a mood disorder phyciatrist … despite prescribing me mood disorder tablets prior.. I went to see this phyciatrist that he had referred me too and I came out an hour and 30 minutes later diagnosed with BPD .
I’m now a single mum to a 14 month old and I do struggle alot to find motivation to look after myself and plan I haven’t gone out to meet friends or go on a date because I have no one to look after my lad .I’m tired I just want to meet someone but i feel such a mess i not daren’t to meet anyone..I have my buzzy friend hahaa but put that aside I just want a relationship but then I’m scared I’m gonna fuck up and scare them away. I am focusing on my boy and I love him to bitssss but I just want someone to focus on me and comfort me when I need it.. I feel selfish but then I dont..
Thank you for your videos honestly. You’re a wicked girl , mother and partner and you are an insperation. Xx
Hi Sweetie – wow what a journey just to get diagnosed!! And it sounds like you knew all along! Congrats on your beautiful baby boy. Try and enjoy each day with him as trust me, it goes by so fast! Recovery takes time and is certainly not an overnight thing. I have a new website that will be launching soon that I am hoping can help so many people with BPD. I will keep evryone updated. Just because therapy didn’t work this time it does not mean you will not recover! Sending you ,lots of love xxx
Hi, I just discovered you on YouTube and I thought I would check out your webpage. The way you express yourself about BPD and your thought process is so much like my thinking. I am very amazed on your videos. I was actually looking for videos trying to help me to get along better with my coworkers and not be so mean and angry all the time at work. Besides being diagnosed with BPD I am also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was originally diagnosed in my late 20’s, I am in my mid 50’s now. I have been at my current job for a little over a year now. I like the work I do, but because I work around people much more closely now, I find myself having extreme mood swings and a lot of anger issues. Do you have any videos or maybe books or other webpages to read to help control my anger issues at work and not take it out on others when I really don’t mean to do that. I am always apologizing for my behavior after word. Most of the people I do work with are very nice, and they are all hard workers. They do not deserve to be treated the way I treat them. Many years ago I went through cognitive behavior therapy classes, but I really don’t want to do that. I would rather find other ways to help myself. Thank you for your great videos and your webpage. Rita
Hi Shehrina, I don’t know how often you check this system, but I wanted to send you a thank you and also to say we are also with you during your journey.
I guess, I am saying thanks for being on this wheel of life with me. I am sitting here with your book and a handful more at my kitchen table trying too figure out the next step with my BPD GF after a huge blow up. We were to be engaged and everything is now on hold. The chapter in your book “For Families and Loved Ones” is amazing and so helpful. Thank you so very much. I reached out to you about 3 years ago and you even offered to talk to my GF. You are and angel and I have never forgotten your kindness and big heart.
I know you are on your own journey, and I wanted to take a moment to also extend support to you as well. We are all in this together in one way or another. Lots of love to you!
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