hi everyone happy star hope you haven't
eaten too many eggs like me they weren't
even my eggs they're the kids but they
don't know is such love chocolate so how
has Easter bean I planned on doing loads
videos and my kicked my older two went
to stay with my mom and I thought I'll
get loads on but honestly when the
holidays come everything seems to fall
apiece is and I think it's I'm really
good with routine when I've got get up
in the morning get the kids to school
get the housework done do this little
low I'm good I'm fine then the holidays
calm and I haven't got that mad rush in
the morning so I'll get up and get bit
lazy and I'll just find my mood drops a
bear and I probably have had time to do
videos but I just haven't done them if
that makes sense so I noticed nearly a
year ago that once a month I get a
really bad mood now I know lots of
people that suffer really bad with PMT
am but need a year and a half ago i
think i had the implant put in my arm
and it got gave me acne lovely it's
called spotty and then my mood was gonna
go in really bad once a month but to
start with it was literally just like
one day and I'd get this internal rage
like I want to kill someone but then the
next month I'd get it again but it
seemed to go on a bit longer little bit
longer well last weekend so it's the
weekend after easter sunday i got in
this mood i woke up and i wanted to kill
my children i was raging I don't know
why they were fighting each other
everything was just driving me insane
I literally got so angry well I didn't
get angry I felt so her angry inside I
wanted to put my foot through the telly
I wanted to punch a window I I didn't
know why I felt like this but I
recognized I think it's to do with the
implant and it was so bad on Saturday I
have i thought i'm just going to lock
myself in a bar from him self harm now I
haven't self-harmed in a couple of years
and I didn't do that I didn't lock
myself in the bathroom and I didn't sell
farm but he's like the thoughts going
through my head I didn't know what to do
to escape like this anger like I felt
like just walking out and saying to
it I'm going and go in and then phoning
someone saying you got going get the
kids I've gone I've just gone I didn't
know where I was going to go and I
didn't go anywhere obviously air instead
I came inside because all of a sudden it
dawned on me that I was being snappy
with the children I mean they were
driving me completely insane but I
realized that I was being very moody my
elder two would go into my mum that
evening so I thought if I carry on just
being like snappy once they're gone
because they're going to my moms and
then they're going to see their dad I
wouldn't see them for eight days so come
that saturday evening I'd feel really
guilty that I'd left on such a horrid
node bin Rumpy mum crazy mom so when I
lay in my bed I just lay there and i
called them in ice like mummies really
sorry I'm grumpy I'm just really tired
they know I get grumpy when I'm tired so
I was like just chill and cuddle so we
just all lay there and cuddled so I
didn't put my foot through the telly
like I wanted I didn't punch a window I
didn't storm out I didn't sell farm I
didn't do I just lay there coddling them
and did it make me feel good not really
I didn't lie there thinking oh I'm so
much better now
I just felt a bit numb but I knew that
once the kids had gone I'd feel so much
better that I hadn't been a complete
horrid mother to them so I cuddled for
out 20 minutes then the boyfriend turned
out and he took all the kids to the park
and I went to sleep I was like
emotionally drained and yeah just curled
up went to sleep when I wake up my mom
was here she should kids and everything
worked out okay I went to the doctors
monday about my skin naturally but I was
like get this out get the implant out
you have to you have to I've never felt
so bad and the doctor was so nice and he
did he took it out for me so that was
amazing and I'm sure my mood has picked
up already like but maybe that's the
placebo you thinking maybe because I'm
thinking I feel better I am that I don't
know but I do i do definitely feel
better i felt i should do this video
because life can be crappy at times and
I'm not running around smiley happy
perfect mom all the time I really
struggle I can be a miserable mum at
times and grumpy but I know I do my best
for my kids and now when I acting like
that miserable grumpy way I'm aware of
it and I can then fix it so everything
did work out okay in the end but I am
very aware that the holidays come along
and everything falls to bits with me and
I do like when I was in a treatment
center for the drugs and alcohol always
um really taught how important planning
is plan your week and I get that because
if you've got a plan and you stick to
your plan you can't go off plan and
because it's a risk if you love plan and
when you're in recovery and for me not
so much I don't feel like it's such a
risk now and maybe that's me being
complacent
air box I just feel like very slowly my
mood can drop if i don't know what i'm
doing i can let things slip I'm one of
these people I need to be busy kept busy
because when I'm not then my mind starts
going crazy mind and i think i am going
to leave that video there today guys all
right that I