What is the difference between a primary feeling and a secondary feeling? Why do we have feelings? How are our thoughts linked to our feelings? In this video I touch on how our feelings lead to our actions and the process that goes on in between.

hi girls today I am doing a video on the
DBT skill emotion regulation and I gave
a quick overview last week I was unable
to do a video on Friday so because
something came up in my personal life
which I'll probably talk about in my
next video actually I'm going to give
your weekly update and and I promised
you on Friday when I wrote the message
that I would do an emotion regulation
video on a day so I am doing it I'm not
entirely prepared for it so it's not
going to be a particularly long video
but I will give you a few things to
think about right emotion regulation
it's all about regulating our emotions
especially people with borderline
personality our emotions like this up
down and it can happen so suddenly so
unexpectedly and the emotions are so
intense so with this skill we're going
to kind of try and learn to regulate the
emotions so it's not so much like all
the time it is different to distress
tolerance because emotion regulation is
kind of something that we're going to do
all the time to try and keep our
emotions like this and distress
tolerance will come in when our emotions
have gone there and there's no point in
trying to regulate them because we've
gone past that so we need to then
tolerate the distress if that makes them
the first thing we're gonna be talking
about is understanding your emotions
because we're not going to be able to
regulate them if we just don't know what
they do we don't know how they work so
emotions emotions are really important
they kind of tell us where we're at they
can also they help tell us what our
thoughts are like I mean if you're
feeling really sad you're not going to
be having happy thoughts and likewise if
you're really happy you're not going to
be having sad thoughts so they're kind
of signpost us to what our thoughts are
and this is great because if we can work
out we'll hang on this is our thought
pattern that's what we can then have a
look at at our thoughts and with
emotions you will find that you have
primary emotions and you have secondary
emotions and basically primary emotions
are the emotion that you feel first and
the secondary ones are the ones you feel
second but it's very hard to sometimes
work out what is the primary or what is
the secondary I will give you an example
okay so it's Valentine's Day and I'm
expecting flowers of course I'm
expecting flowers and chocolates but my
man does not know this and he doesn't
give me flowers and chocolates and I fly
into a rage I'm so angry we have a
brazen round I must say they sell them
actually happening listen I'm just
giving you an example what happened
right so we've flown into wow he's an
asshole II
Desi's out I hate it I'm so angry why
didn't you think about me
say isn't anger my primary emotion no
it's actually not the first thing first
emotion I fell I was hurt and so I
lashed out and I didn't even notice I
was her I just lashed out so suddenly
but the anger actually came from because
I thought he didn't think about me and I
was sad and I got angry but all happened
so quickly I didn't know what was my
first I would thought anger was my
primary emotion but it wasn't so you do
need to learn a bit about like you've
got your primary and secondary I'm gonna
give you some exercises to do to look at
lots of different emotions because there
are they're angry happy sad anxious blah
blah but you get lots of others like you
can have hopeful tearful shy um do you
know what rather me cuz I like I said
I'm looking at the time and I literally
don't have long to get the children
because I've got to walk today because I
don't have my car which I was explaining
in the other video I have a Facebook
page and a recovery mom and if you go
down through my posts there is a
feelings chart and you can click on that
and have a look and we can find is
you've got your main feelings and other
feelings getting out from them it's so
important you can identify the exact
feeling you're feeling if you're going
to get help for yourself and knowing
what is your primary feeling what is
your secondary feeling
right so why do we get feelings why well
like I said they signpost us to what
we're thinking right all right I should
have done a diagram I haven't done one
I'm like doing the one in the next video
but I promised you I would do a video
and today or do a video there is always
a prompting event something happens
something doesn't happen and we get
feeling there's something between there
something happens we interpret it a
certain way and we get a feeling okay so
I'm walking okay I'm working on my poor
partner gets dragged into all these
scenarios by hey-ho right I am walking
around the street and I look into a
restaurant window and I seen my partner
in there Sabitha girl immediately I
could interpret that as he's having an
affair forget like her anger all these
emotions come or I could interpret it oh
that's the girly works well that's nice
learn from me or I could just be who's
that you know there's there's lots of
different ways you interpret one event
and it's looking at how we interpret it
now the way we interpret things often
comes from our core beliefs our so we
will do that that's a whole other video
I'll do that another time but it's
important to look at our beliefs
actually do not that's an that's another
exercise you have a look at your beliefs
around feelings
because they won't actually shock you
because even I used to think well if a
man cries he's not man how bad is that
that's what I used to think I mean I I
think completely different now but when
you've kind of grown up a certain way
and then the male figures in your life
for a certain way and yeah you can't you
come up with these beliefs I mean other
ones might be
I can't tell people how I feel they'll
think it's a weakness I can't cry in
public so there's lots loads and loads
and loads so have a look at some of your
beliefs around feelings what you believe
to be real and we'll possibly discuss
that in the next video because your
beliefs will really have an impact on
how you interpret things as well around
you and I mean growing up I my mum and
dad got divorced and and so I kind of
like there's loss things but basically I
kind of thought well everyone splits our
relationships don't work so if I see my
partner with a girl having a meal
because of all those beliefs immediately
I think there you go I was right
relationships over and I don't look at
all the other possibilities and it's
really important that we do do that
right so you have your prompting event
you interpret it and you have a feeling
now I want you to when you have a
feeling not just say I was feeling
fearful or s been sad but look at what
goes on with you physically like if I
had seen my partner in a restaurant with
a girl
chances are I'd get that sick feeling
inside that knot in my tummy
I might start shaking and it really
affect me physically and if you can
start looking at how it affects you
physically it might be easier for you to
pinpoint the exact emotion you are
feeling because the way you're feeling
it is not just up here it's you you're
actually feeling it you're physically
feeling what will follow that feeling
will be an action urge now an action
urge is actually still part of the
feeling so I feel sick I'm shaking I'm
looking through the mirror I see him in
the restaurant I think he's having an
affair I think the relationships over my
action edge might be to storm in there
and just hit them both or whatever that
might be my action that is part of my
feeling what follows the action urge is
the action now the action isn't part of
the feeling so the action urge is but
what I actually do is the action isn't
it so make sense and what with you are
you with me over so we act now the
action urge and the action don't
actually have to be the same the action
urge might be to walk in as smackin both
but I might run away
what fall is the action is then like the
reaction basically what happens after
the consequences and that can cause
loads more problems or whatever so my
over the next few days if there's any
kind of prompting events that bring up a
feeling and you pinpoint what the
primary feeling is not the secondary you
might have to start with the secondary
and work back then notice how it's
affected you physically notice how you
interpreted it but also I then want you
to put yourself in someone else's shoes
and try and interpret it a different way
and what you'll find there's lots of
different interpretations just from one
of them notice your action art and then
notice what you do and if you just say
do going don't what are the consequences
what needs on from that what comes after
and what other problems does that bring
so yes I think I'll leave that there
today I know it was quite um rushed but
I did promise a little video and I
didn't want to lie because I used to lie
all the time and I'm a different res now
alright guys have your eye
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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