What is the difference between a primary feeling and a secondary feeling? Why do we have feelings? How are our thoughts linked to our feelings? In this video I touch on how our feelings lead to our actions and the process that goes on in between.
hi girls today I am doing a video on the DBT skill emotion regulation and I gave a quick overview last week I was unable to do a video on Friday so because something came up in my personal life which I'll probably talk about in my next video actually I'm going to give your weekly update and and I promised you on Friday when I wrote the message that I would do an emotion regulation video on a day so I am doing it I'm not entirely prepared for it so it's not going to be a particularly long video but I will give you a few things to think about right emotion regulation it's all about regulating our emotions especially people with borderline personality our emotions like this up down and it can happen so suddenly so unexpectedly and the emotions are so intense so with this skill we're going to kind of try and learn to regulate the emotions so it's not so much like all the time it is different to distress tolerance because emotion regulation is kind of something that we're going to do all the time to try and keep our emotions like this and distress tolerance will come in when our emotions have gone there and there's no point in trying to regulate them because we've gone past that so we need to then tolerate the distress if that makes them right the first thing we're gonna be talking about is understanding your emotions because we're not going to be able to regulate them if we just don't know what they do we don't know how they work so emotions emotions are really important they kind of tell us where we're at they can also they help tell us what our thoughts are like I mean if you're feeling really sad you're not going to be having happy thoughts and likewise if you're really happy you're not going to be having sad thoughts so they're kind of signpost us to what our thoughts are and this is great because if we can work out we'll hang on this is our thought pattern that's what we can then have a look at at our thoughts and with emotions you will find that you have primary emotions and you have secondary emotions and basically primary emotions are the emotion that you feel first and the secondary ones are the ones you feel second but it's very hard to sometimes work out what is the primary or what is the secondary I will give you an example okay so it's Valentine's Day and I'm expecting flowers of course I'm expecting flowers and chocolates but my man does not know this and he doesn't give me flowers and chocolates and I fly into a rage I'm so angry we have a brazen round I must say they sell them actually happening listen I'm just giving you an example what happened right so we've flown into wow he's an asshole II Desi's out I hate it I'm so angry why didn't you think about me say isn't anger my primary emotion no it's actually not the first thing first emotion I fell I was hurt and so I lashed out and I didn't even notice I was her I just lashed out so suddenly but the anger actually came from because I thought he didn't think about me and I was sad and I got angry but all happened so quickly I didn't know what was my first I would thought anger was my primary emotion but it wasn't so you do need to learn a bit about like you've got your primary and secondary I'm gonna give you some exercises to do to look at lots of different emotions because there are they're angry happy sad anxious blah blah but you get lots of others like you can have hopeful tearful shy um do you know what rather me cuz I like I said I'm looking at the time and I literally don't have long to get the children because I've got to walk today because I don't have my car which I was explaining in the other video I have a Facebook page and a recovery mom and if you go down through my posts there is a feelings chart and you can click on that and have a look and we can find is you've got your main feelings and other feelings getting out from them it's so important you can identify the exact feeling you're feeling if you're going to get help for yourself and knowing what is your primary feeling what is your secondary feeling right so why do we get feelings why well like I said they signpost us to what we're thinking right all right I should have done a diagram I haven't done one I'm like doing the one in the next video but I promised you I would do a video and today or do a video there is always a prompting event something happens something doesn't happen and we get feeling there's something between there something happens we interpret it a certain way and we get a feeling okay so I'm walking okay I'm working on my poor partner gets dragged into all these scenarios by hey-ho right I am walking around the street and I look into a restaurant window and I seen my partner in there Sabitha girl immediately I could interpret that as he's having an affair forget like her anger all these emotions come or I could interpret it oh that's the girly works well that's nice learn from me or I could just be who's that you know there's there's lots of different ways you interpret one event and it's looking at how we interpret it now the way we interpret things often comes from our core beliefs our so we will do that that's a whole other video I'll do that another time but it's important to look at our beliefs actually do not that's an that's another exercise you have a look at your beliefs around feelings because they won't actually shock you because even I used to think well if a man cries he's not man how bad is that that's what I used to think I mean I I think completely different now but when you've kind of grown up a certain way and then the male figures in your life for a certain way and yeah you can't you come up with these beliefs I mean other ones might be I can't tell people how I feel they'll think it's a weakness I can't cry in public so there's lots loads and loads and loads so have a look at some of your beliefs around feelings what you believe to be real and we'll possibly discuss that in the next video because your beliefs will really have an impact on how you interpret things as well around you and I mean growing up I my mum and dad got divorced and and so I kind of like there's loss things but basically I kind of thought well everyone splits our relationships don't work so if I see my partner with a girl having a meal because of all those beliefs immediately I think there you go I was right relationships over and I don't look at all the other possibilities and it's really important that we do do that right so you have your prompting event you interpret it and you have a feeling now I want you to when you have a feeling not just say I was feeling fearful or s been sad but look at what goes on with you physically like if I had seen my partner in a restaurant with a girl chances are I'd get that sick feeling inside that knot in my tummy I might start shaking and it really affect me physically and if you can start looking at how it affects you physically it might be easier for you to pinpoint the exact emotion you are feeling because the way you're feeling it is not just up here it's you you're actually feeling it you're physically feeling what will follow that feeling will be an action urge now an action urge is actually still part of the feeling so I feel sick I'm shaking I'm looking through the mirror I see him in the restaurant I think he's having an affair I think the relationships over my action edge might be to storm in there and just hit them both or whatever that might be my action that is part of my feeling what follows the action urge is the action now the action isn't part of the feeling so the action urge is but what I actually do is the action isn't it so make sense and what with you are you with me over so we act now the action urge and the action don't actually have to be the same the action urge might be to walk in as smackin both but I might run away what fall is the action is then like the reaction basically what happens after the consequences and that can cause loads more problems or whatever so my lovelies over the next few days if there's any kind of prompting events that bring up a feeling and you pinpoint what the primary feeling is not the secondary you might have to start with the secondary and work back then notice how it's affected you physically notice how you interpreted it but also I then want you to put yourself in someone else's shoes and try and interpret it a different way and what you'll find there's lots of different interpretations just from one of them notice your action art and then notice what you do and if you just say do going don't what are the consequences what needs on from that what comes after and what other problems does that bring so yes I think I'll leave that there today I know it was quite um rushed but I did promise a little video and I didn't want to lie because I used to lie all the time and I'm a different res now alright guys have your eye
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