hi guys today I'm going to kind of do a
catch-up and tell you what's going on
with me at the moment basically I have
been feeling poorly the past few weeks
so I am literally getting up I do the
school run I come home and I sleep with
baby we just go to bed
but parmi thinking is it not I'm Paulie
or is it that I'm depressed
and I just not wanting to get on or
maybe I am poorly and that has making me
depressed because I'm just not getting
done what I need to get done in a day I
feel like I am being pulled in so many
different directions
obviously I've lowered the amount of
videos I don't do three anymore I do too
and I don't want to drop that anymore my
channel is very important to me all you
guys are very important to me and so I
need to keep that going I'm not getting
to reply to people which I used to be
able to reply to everyone and I just
don't have the time to do that and that
makes me sad because I want you to know
that I'm reading your messages and I am
still here and all your comments are
really important to me and then I have
the Black Sheep project which I am doing
as well and I am so passionate about
this I feel really really lucky to be a
part of it there are some big changes
going on at the moment within the
organization on how we're doing things
basically I came in with all these ideas
on what we need to make us better and
it's great because they're like yeah
bring us the idea is we're going to do
it we're going to do it but it means
things will take longer it costs more
money and there's more work involved but
I think it could be life-changing for
people so I am really passionate about
it but the thing is as well I'm on a
completely different time scale to
everyone at the Black Sheep project
who's in America
and so like when we're having meetings
it's at 9:00 p.m. my time so it's like
two over there two o'clock in the
afternoon there so I'm exhausted by then
and yeah so that's that's that basically
Oh with the black sheep project I am
going to be looking for volunteers who
want to work with me and help me at some
point but I will keep you all updated on
that because you guys are gonna be the
first one so I asked haha yes and then
there is being a mom looking after the
house and making sure the kiddies are
okay now I think I can do really really
amazing job of being a mom and having
everything taking over nicely in a great
little routine and a lovely clean house
if that is all I did but I also have the
black sheet project I also have my
channel and so I can't give my all to
everything but at the same time I'm
trying to give my all to every single
thing individually and that's what I
mean I'm just feeling really really torn
and the past two days actually I've just
been scrubbing the house like spring
cleaning is not spring is this autumn
fall fall clean clean home and that made
me feel slightly better actually
because once things are organized around
me I feel a bit better but with four
children I can spend the whole day
cleaning and it look amazing come the
next morning it looks like a tornado has
gone through my house so yeah it's it's
kind of tough I'm kind of feeling a bit
torn
um I am feeling poorly
my mood is low my medication is being
upped again I was always kind of on 200
milligrams our sertraline 200 milligrams
of typing and this worked really well
for me
now when I say that for me
is because every medication was
different for different people so just
because it's good for me does not mean
it we good for you but for me I found it
worked really well then I got pregnant
with Lottie and I came off the
quetiapine got bad at the end of
pregnancy went back on the court I
opened by a small amount and since then
it's been up to every few months and I'm
pretty much back to what I was in the
beginning now and I think I will end up
back on the 200 200 dose so I am also
aware there has been big changes I've
had the big summer holidays with the
kids around all the time and all of a
sudden they're back at school and it's
getting back up early in the morning the
mad rush getting the four of them ready
to get out the door
cleaning lunchboxes every day I hate
that job I just hate cleaning lunchboxes
obviously I we scrub their lunch boxes
but when I opened my son's I'm actually
what am I gonna find it and it's often
just smears yogurt with bread crumbs and
biscuits and fruit mashed together at
the bottom of his lunch table lunch box
so yeah having to do that and make the
lunches again and do the ironing of
getting all the uniforms done and
getting to bed at a reasonable hour so
I'm okay to wake up in the morning and
it's kind of just getting back into that
now I know they've been back at school
all of September and in ass now October
I still feel like I'm kinda just getting
there just about getting there
and the weather is changing actually
I've just shut my blinds because the sun
is shining through today but that is not
how it has been it's been quite gray and
miserable the weather and my mood gets
affected when the weather is like that I
I just feel like well it's sad si D
seasonal affective disorder and I
definitely notice it every year also
come September for some reason I always
have loads of bills that go out with
people saying you owe me money
right yeah because obviously like karma
might say my water bill and I was paying
so much a month and then they say you
owe so many hundreds of pounds so we're
just gonna up up here every month
I'm sly I don't do well having to worry
about finances on top of everything this
video is not meant to be a big-money
video this happens like it is and but
it's not
I do just feel so torn at the moment and
like I said I'm sleeping along and then
I'm like are you sleeping because you're
depressed
he's sleeping because you're ill I have
got a really bad back at the moment so
bad it spasm is it feels like it's
spasming and it's just so painful and so
I'm on codeine for it now I know coding
can be addictive I've never actually had
any issues with addictive medications
I've been on valium before I've been and
I've never become addicted to them even
though I know lots of people that have
been addicted to those medications and
but for me for some reason not my thing
but I'm also don't want to get
complacent and to start popping codeine
and then one day think oh crap now I'm
addicted so I try not to take them and
to be honest I only take them when my
back is really bad and it doesn't even
seem to touch the sides it just doesn't
seem to do anything I have Quantrill
back specialist I've got an MRI next
week about to see what's going on
because it's hard when you've got four
children and you're trying to clean a
house and run around and sit to sit
sitting hurts just sitting 15 Elmer's
especially as mr. I'm I'm sat on the
floor with the kids either reading to
them changing nappies getting dressed
etc
hack my back is so bad and so I think
that gets to me as well they're actually
the guy that I saw this week about my
back he said I could possibly have an
infection right like in the maknae the
spine and maybe that's what's making me
feel poorly and I had blood test about
week ago and they said my white blood
cell count was high which indicates an
infection so who knows but hopefully I'm
gonna get to the bottom of it because
I'm kind of struggling a bit at the
moment but it's okay to struggle because
we can also struggle at times even me
and I kinda know that this will pass
years ago I would have sunk into a
deeper and deeper and deeper depression
because I would not see any way out and
at the moment I I can't really see how
one can I get better at the moment but I
know I will because I know there's light
at the end of the tunnel so yes I might
be feeling tired and a bit miserable now
that but I will be okay and so I'm not
making a big deal out of it I am making
sure I'm getting early nights so I'm not
tired because I feel so tired at the
moment but again I think that could be
to do with the worth of changing and now
I also know come like the end of October
I start my mood usually picks up for a
number of reasons we have Halloween
where the kids are getting all ready and
it's fun and getting dressed up and then
we have over here we have fireworks and
I will we go and see a big firework
display and and then we got Christmas
now Christmas is huge I love I'm such a
Christmas person
I love it I just want decorations
everywhere and all the cooking and that
winter smell like everything just makes
me really really excited so I know that
my mood will just go and I'll get
excited we'll go on our winter walks
looking at people's decorations and
being nosy so we will do that and that'd
be fun but then come January I have no
money
where there's still rubbish and I've got
nothing to look forward to and now the
end of January I will have my fourth
child
Lottie it's her birthday she'll be one
so I'll have no money and I'll be home
to sort out her birth actually it won't
be that bad this year because she
doesn't know it's her birthday so we
don't need to do anything big like I did
on my first my daughter's fete my first
child's first I went all out and it was
like this huge massive deal and she
doesn't remember it obviously and so I
learnt my lesson and I won't be doing
that again and I'm forgetting what I've
told you and what I haven't did I
mention volunteers the black sheep
project I possibly did that more
information will come for that because
obviously I'm gonna keep you updated I
think I told you on Friday about the
black sheep pins I'm just waiting for
them to arrive for an American before I
can stop getting them sent out again
because I knew there are people there
some of you got a letter and it opened
and the pin wasn't in it so I will try
and get that recent out to you and
obviously new people that want pin
that's gonna come out to you yes yes and
I'm gonna try and crack on with another
video now I can put out Friday bye guys