A quick catch up as I haven’t done one for a while. I have so much on at the moment but just want to curl up in bed and sleep!
hi guys today I'm going to kind of do a catch-up and tell you what's going on with me at the moment basically I have been feeling poorly the past few weeks so I am literally getting up I do the school run I come home and I sleep with baby we just go to bed but parmi thinking is it not I'm Paulie or is it that I'm depressed and I just not wanting to get on or maybe I am poorly and that has making me depressed because I'm just not getting done what I need to get done in a day I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions obviously I've lowered the amount of videos I don't do three anymore I do too and I don't want to drop that anymore my channel is very important to me all you guys are very important to me and so I need to keep that going I'm not getting to reply to people which I used to be able to reply to everyone and I just don't have the time to do that and that makes me sad because I want you to know that I'm reading your messages and I am still here and all your comments are really important to me and then I have the Black Sheep project which I am doing as well and I am so passionate about this I feel really really lucky to be a part of it there are some big changes going on at the moment within the organization on how we're doing things basically I came in with all these ideas on what we need to make us better and it's great because they're like yeah bring us the idea is we're going to do it we're going to do it but it means things will take longer it costs more money and there's more work involved but I think it could be life-changing for people so I am really passionate about it but the thing is as well I'm on a completely different time scale to everyone at the Black Sheep project who's in America and so like when we're having meetings it's at 9:00 p.m. my time so it's like two over there two o'clock in the afternoon there so I'm exhausted by then and yeah so that's that's that basically Oh with the black sheep project I am going to be looking for volunteers who want to work with me and help me at some point but I will keep you all updated on that because you guys are gonna be the first one so I asked haha yes and then there is being a mom looking after the house and making sure the kiddies are okay now I think I can do really really amazing job of being a mom and having everything taking over nicely in a great little routine and a lovely clean house if that is all I did but I also have the black sheet project I also have my channel and so I can't give my all to everything but at the same time I'm trying to give my all to every single thing individually and that's what I mean I'm just feeling really really torn and the past two days actually I've just been scrubbing the house like spring cleaning is not spring is this autumn fall fall clean clean home and that made me feel slightly better actually because once things are organized around me I feel a bit better but with four children I can spend the whole day cleaning and it look amazing come the next morning it looks like a tornado has gone through my house so yeah it's it's kind of tough I'm kind of feeling a bit torn um I am feeling poorly my mood is low my medication is being upped again I was always kind of on 200 milligrams our sertraline 200 milligrams of typing and this worked really well for me now when I say that for me is because every medication was different for different people so just because it's good for me does not mean it we good for you but for me I found it worked really well then I got pregnant with Lottie and I came off the quetiapine got bad at the end of pregnancy went back on the court I opened by a small amount and since then it's been up to every few months and I'm pretty much back to what I was in the beginning now and I think I will end up back on the 200 200 dose so I am also aware there has been big changes I've had the big summer holidays with the kids around all the time and all of a sudden they're back at school and it's getting back up early in the morning the mad rush getting the four of them ready to get out the door cleaning lunchboxes every day I hate that job I just hate cleaning lunchboxes obviously I we scrub their lunch boxes but when I opened my son's I'm actually what am I gonna find it and it's often just smears yogurt with bread crumbs and biscuits and fruit mashed together at the bottom of his lunch table lunch box so yeah having to do that and make the lunches again and do the ironing of getting all the uniforms done and getting to bed at a reasonable hour so I'm okay to wake up in the morning and it's kind of just getting back into that now I know they've been back at school all of September and in ass now October I still feel like I'm kinda just getting there just about getting there and the weather is changing actually I've just shut my blinds because the sun is shining through today but that is not how it has been it's been quite gray and miserable the weather and my mood gets affected when the weather is like that I I just feel like well it's sad si D seasonal affective disorder and I definitely notice it every year also come September for some reason I always have loads of bills that go out with people saying you owe me money right yeah because obviously like karma might say my water bill and I was paying so much a month and then they say you owe so many hundreds of pounds so we're just gonna up up here every month I'm sly I don't do well having to worry about finances on top of everything this video is not meant to be a big-money video this happens like it is and but it's not I do just feel so torn at the moment and like I said I'm sleeping along and then I'm like are you sleeping because you're depressed he's sleeping because you're ill I have got a really bad back at the moment so bad it spasm is it feels like it's spasming and it's just so painful and so I'm on codeine for it now I know coding can be addictive I've never actually had any issues with addictive medications I've been on valium before I've been and I've never become addicted to them even though I know lots of people that have been addicted to those medications and but for me for some reason not my thing but I'm also don't want to get complacent and to start popping codeine and then one day think oh crap now I'm addicted so I try not to take them and to be honest I only take them when my back is really bad and it doesn't even seem to touch the sides it just doesn't seem to do anything I have Quantrill back specialist I've got an MRI next week about to see what's going on because it's hard when you've got four children and you're trying to clean a house and run around and sit to sit sitting hurts just sitting 15 Elmer's especially as mr. I'm I'm sat on the floor with the kids either reading to them changing nappies getting dressed etc hack my back is so bad and so I think that gets to me as well they're actually the guy that I saw this week about my back he said I could possibly have an infection right like in the maknae the spine and maybe that's what's making me feel poorly and I had blood test about week ago and they said my white blood cell count was high which indicates an infection so who knows but hopefully I'm gonna get to the bottom of it because I'm kind of struggling a bit at the moment but it's okay to struggle because we can also struggle at times even me and I kinda know that this will pass years ago I would have sunk into a deeper and deeper and deeper depression because I would not see any way out and at the moment I I can't really see how one can I get better at the moment but I know I will because I know there's light at the end of the tunnel so yes I might be feeling tired and a bit miserable now that but I will be okay and so I'm not making a big deal out of it I am making sure I'm getting early nights so I'm not tired because I feel so tired at the moment but again I think that could be to do with the worth of changing and now I also know come like the end of October I start my mood usually picks up for a number of reasons we have Halloween where the kids are getting all ready and it's fun and getting dressed up and then we have over here we have fireworks and I will we go and see a big firework display and and then we got Christmas now Christmas is huge I love I'm such a Christmas person I love it I just want decorations everywhere and all the cooking and that winter smell like everything just makes me really really excited so I know that my mood will just go and I'll get excited we'll go on our winter walks looking at people's decorations and being nosy so we will do that and that'd be fun but then come January I have no money where there's still rubbish and I've got nothing to look forward to and now the end of January I will have my fourth child Lottie it's her birthday she'll be one so I'll have no money and I'll be home to sort out her birth actually it won't be that bad this year because she doesn't know it's her birthday so we don't need to do anything big like I did on my first my daughter's fete my first child's first I went all out and it was like this huge massive deal and she doesn't remember it obviously and so I learnt my lesson and I won't be doing that again and I'm forgetting what I've told you and what I haven't did I mention volunteers the black sheep project I possibly did that more information will come for that because obviously I'm gonna keep you updated I think I told you on Friday about the black sheep pins I'm just waiting for them to arrive for an American before I can stop getting them sent out again because I knew there are people there some of you got a letter and it opened and the pin wasn't in it so I will try and get that recent out to you and obviously new people that want pin that's gonna come out to you yes yes and I'm gonna try and crack on with another video now I can put out Friday bye guys
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