In this video I just catch up with you and  explain how my Christmas and New Year went.

Transcript:
hi happy new year everyone I haven't
done a video for about three weeks air
because it's been the Christmas period
so i thought i would do one and tell you
about my christmas which was a bit shit
m basically in the run-up to christmas i
got very manic I love Christmas I really
really love Christmas so I was very
around getting presents not bringing the
kids to see Santa and doing their
Christmas plays and Christmas bears and
getting their friends presents and it
was just it was a crazy month and had
all this going on but I seem to be
really happy except my relationship with
my partner was not so good we were
bickering constantly and and I got into
a place where I was picking out every
negative about him and making it even
bigger and I was finding fault with
everything he did and it kind of
basically what happened it was 23 days
before Christmas my older two were going
to stay with their dad for christmas day
I did not think this would be a problem
for me because I've known for a year
like they were with me last year they
would their dad this year that's fine so
when I dropped them off or when I drop
them off it hit me like oh that's it
I've done all this running round so
excited and I'm not going to see them
wake up Christmas day like Christmas
morning it really really affected me so
I've driven home and I was in a foul
mood I was came straight in started
bickering because my partner he isn't
really Christmas person he doesn't do
presents doesn t cards um yeah he just
doesn't enjoy Christmas
I'm the complete opposite so he came
home we started bickering and I said I'm
gonna have a glass of wine now because I
do all my 12-step videos and I'm telling
you all about this you probably assume i
am part of a fellowship which I'm not
anymore and I try and get to a meeting
every now again more to check in and but
I'm not sponsored I don't really have
time so I kind of came away from the
fellowship and it was about a year ago I
decided last I think last Christmas I
had a drink just one and I was fine and
and in the summer I went down with my
partner to see his family and again I
had a glass of wine just the one and I
was fine I didn't think about it
afterwards I didn't dwell on it and and
so at Christmas for me I was just having
a glass of wine and it was I must tell
you it was I did not get pissed and the
reason I'm telling you this is because
if I was part of 12-step fellowship it's
complete abstinence and and I completely
agree for some people they really do
need that and I'm not saying you need it
and I don't because maybe I do but I
keep slipping I don't know but I don't
call them relapses I say it's a lapse
because I try to be abstinent but now
and again I will have a glass of wine
well it's been to any year so I didn't
get drunk but I did have a glass of wine
and you know what I felt so shit after
it was like because I drank on feelings
now in the summer when I went for my
partner to his family's I was feeling
good i was happy i had a glass wine i
felt that was it it was fine and but
this time it wasn't i felt really really
miserable and I just dropped the kids
off and older I think the stress of
Christmas all of a sudden just BAM hit
me and and I went on a bit of a downer
I didn't want to get up I mean I did get
up because I had friends around for
Christmas dinner and it was a really
nice day other than the fact that me and
my partner weren't really talking and
yeah we just weren't getting on at all
and the day boxing day I went down to my
family's I didn't go with my partner
because I knew we would just Rao in the
car because that's all we seem to do
recently and when I got back from my
mom's I was very tearful ah yeah big
point I am forgetting and a week before
Christmas I went to collect my meds as I
always do my medication and and one of
them hadn't been ordered so the
pharmacist said right I'll give you 14
that'll get you through to new year I
thought nothing of it until Christmas
Eve evening which is thursday thursday i
think i realized my mates had run out
and it's because yes I've got 14 but I
take two a day of that tablet couldn't
get hold of the doctors and pharmacists
obviou Everywhere's closed all the way
through the weekend and holiday monday
closed so when I was back lights and
also tearful eyes on such a downer um
but soon enough my partner actually he
went to the pharmacy he got my mentor
and they're rapin and I've gotten back
in the system it took right nearly a
week but I got there and so yeah it was
new year and I was saying basically I've
got to go into this new year I've got to
be single I can't be in this
relationship I believe it's toxic but
then he told me some home truths and
said I was manic and he thought it was
my personality disorder that's why I was
money maybe it was and I just wasn't
aware of it um but I had to make a
decision and it was really really hard
but the way I saw her I thought right
this man I've been with for a few years
now we have a son together he's also
very good with my other children
maybe I owe it to the relationship to
the kids to give it one more go and I
will change what I do instead of looking
at every little thing that he does that
irritates me I could be breathing
sometimes um but I'm going to just focus
on the good um so New Year's Eve we
actually just spent we watched a film
then no expectations it which is line it
was so nice at the nicest just relaxed
Christmas New Year's Eve sorry and and
since then I've been feeling really good
and my partner hasn't been around so
much we're having more time apart which
i think is probably healthy because I
never used to be like that with me all
the time and but we are spending more
time apart which is good it irritates me
though because he because he is part of
a fellowship um and you know he's doing
well he's doing the steps that's great
but he really sees that I had a glass of
white that is a relapse and I don't see
it like that I mean do I regret having
it yeah maybe because it didn't make me
feel any better at the end of the day
and I know from being part of previously
on a fellowship you know it's a risk
it's a risk because what if I didn't
stop what if it led on to drugs and I
can't let that happen so I do try to be
abstinent from alcohol as well I do try
but I do not beat myself up and I have a
slip luckily for me my slips have been
tiny I've had a glass of wine I've
picked myself up but maybe that's just
pure luck and maybe in my head I'll
start thinking was in control at that
time I'll drink a bit more next time I
don't know but it's not in my mind I
don't want to drink mate for health
reasons as well I mean it's putting a
toxin in your body isn't it it's not
good for you say
yeah so I face it I've coming to the new
year I'm feeling really positive I've
got get out this flower I love this flat
as well and I've got a really nice
landlord and that is tiny and I've got
three kids and me here and I need I do
they need a garden really i believe they
need something that can throw Maui know
so we get I'm going to start looking for
somewhere slightly bigger a B and I'm
going to be doing more videos I'm going
to be getting engaging more on Twitter
because I know I'm crap at it and on my
Facebook page but I'd also like to thank
all you lovely people that message me
and whether it's via Twitter or Facebook
or the recovery mum page or you-tube
it's really nice having feedback it's
really nice hearing from you and what
you're going through and yeah and I do
appreciate that and thank you for
watching as well well I hope you have a
lovely new year and I suppose you're all
doing resolutions I'm I I'm going too
much pressure on myself I'm going to get
bit healthier I haven't done the gym for
it not gym classes so i'm booked for
monday and i'm booked for next Friday so
um yeah hopefully it's alright i'm
dreading it though it's been so long i
know i'm just gonna be like completely
out of breath but um yeah hopefully i'll
be doing videos weekly now so yucky the
message is coming i love it I I guess
yeah
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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