So as you are all aware, I haven’t uploaded in a while and today I wanted to explain to you what has been going on! Big hugs xxx

hi my lovelies I want to apologize to
all because I said I'd be with you
throughout December I haven't been in
fact I've been uploading less than I
ever have
please excuse the green screen this is
all for videos and stuff that I'm doing
for BPD tribe which hasn't actually
launched yet for those of you who are
still I'm sure the launch day is now
January the 8th for my book the big book
on borderline personality disorder it is
available in any bookstore so if you go
in give my name and the net title of the
book they should be able to look it up
it doesn't necessarily mean the
bookstore will stop here obviously but
they can look it up and they can order
it in for you all Amazon I'm going to go
on Amazon and it should be on there and
if you do buy it and you read it please
leave a review and let me know what you
basically so ok so I kind of I feel like
I owe you an explanation and I'm going
to give you an explanation as to what
has been going on here I okay last
weekend I asked my partner to move them
and our relationship is over
there is no going back it is final I
don't want to use this platform as a
place for me just bad-mouthing him
because he's still the dad of two of my
children so I want to be careful with
what I say I don't want to be unfair
because I also I don't know if anyone he
knows will watch this video I mean
chances are they won't but he's not here
to defend himself for a start
I believe on what I'm not angry okay so
this has been coming on for a long long
time I was very unsure when we moved in
together but we did because I was having
a little Lottie and unfortunately things
have got progressively worse over time
and it's very much got to a point well
recently I even in the summer I kind of
wanted to throw my hands up and say
enough is enough like I want it over but
I didn't for the sake of my little boy
Isom actually because he's four and in
his eyes his dad is his hero and I
thought I have to try so that is what
I've been doing I've really tried to
make this relationship work but it has
especially over the past month just
literally just gone downhill and it has
it got to a point for me recently where
I thought I've been kind of thinking I
don't want the kids growing up thinking
like his behaviors normal behavior now
I'm not going to go into what he said
was done because like I said he's still
the children's dad and it'd be very easy
for me to get really angry and go on a
big rant but actually it's not gonna do
me any good it's not gonna do him any
good it's not gonna do the kids if
they're older and they see it any good
so I'm not I'm not going to go on a big
run I but yeah very much it got to the
point of thinking this isn't good this
isn't good around the kids and there was
an incident last weekend and I just felt
enough is enough I cannot live like this
I don't want to go around walking on
eggshells in
my home anymore I want the kids to be
happy I don't believe he's a good role
model for them yeah so it's all over
basically and it's really bizarre
because like I have been completely
focused on the children giving them
loads of hugs and cuddles and it's
really bizarre because it's been a week
but the house just feels like Karma
there is not any negative energy the
kids are so happy I was really worried
about Easter and I spoke to his school
teacher and I straight to her again last
night and she said if anything he's
happier than ever and he's calmer at
school and the others are happier little
things like they have started coming
into me in the morning and climbing on
me and talking to me when I'm in bed
they didn't do that they would stay away
for fear of being moaned out and it's
really nice it's just it just feels like
relief weight off my shoulders
yeah and seeing the kids how happy they
are really kind of highlights the fact
that I have made the right decision it
wasn't an easy decision breaking up with
someone who's never an easy decision but
it was definitely the right decision but
obviously there's gonna be some
adjustments to be fair like all the
cooking cleaning housework taking the
kids to school going to parents evenings
I did all that anyway so I don't mind
everything harder if in fact I find
things easier so yeah that that's that's
basically what's been going on
so it is coming up to Christmas it is
like I love Christmas but usually by now
life be now I planned everyone's
presents dad our money is so tight
literally this year
I have never been so poor in my life I
laughed but it's really really bad and I
have not bought one Christmas present
I am NOT going to panic
I know my kids are well looked after
like I know they will be like my mom and
my stepdad and I'm the older to their
dad they're gonna get so many things so
I don't feel like they're going to have
nothing and I am going to go out but
it's just right now I have nothing to go
out and buy anything with I've got
nothing so this year has definitely been
a difficult one even for me and I love
I have a fear because I can't get my
cats into a category and I don't want to
leave them but I'm supposed to be seeing
my mom but I have a few ideas up my
sleeve of people that might come and
visit my cats it's only for a couple of
days that yeah so this gene has been a
difficult one really I have had a lot on
I've written my book this year which is
like amazing that I did it I don't know
how I fit it in it was very much writing
and the kids are asleep doing a bit in
the day when they were at school but
it's really not been my best year I
found this year very stressful obviously
with things going on at home it hasn't
been wonderful and I'm hoping next year
there's a new year
but I do want to really really apologize
to you because I told you I would be
checking in and I haven't it is now
what day is that the 14th so we're
halfway through December and I haven't
done that and I do feel I've let you
down and I really do apologize for that
I promise you I will do some live
streams catching up with you more often
from now this is kind of the first time
that I've thought okay I need to get the
camera out and let everyone know what is
going on
because for me I'm very careful because
over the years like my emotions can go
and I tell everyone everything and then
I kind of go back and what I've said
like for example if I have a rout with a
partner I've gone out oh we're over
that's it I'm not telling anyone changed
my status on facebook and I do all that
and then two days later when we get back
together and but I'm not that person
today so I kind of like to process
things first so it's not oh what's
happened there so it's not me not
wanting to say anything I kind of just
have to kind of go over things in my
mind and make sure I'm not going to
regret what I say basically so that's
why I'm not saying here bad-mouthing
because like I said I want things to be
amicable in the future for the sake of
the children my ex-husband and I we have
kind of worked towards being amicable
when we can get on now and it's really
nice especially for the sake of the
children Basilan right that is my main
concern and and yeah it was one of my
main reasons this so yeah I just wanted
to kind of make sure that I wasn't just
gonna come on the camera and have a
massive write saying in he did this and
he said this and he did that because um
because do you know what like what's to
gain from that basically there's
absolutely nothing and I'm not gonna be
that person I'm not gonna sink to that
level I'm gonna say I want you to know
I'm okay I hope you are all okay I'm
sorry this is just a catch-up today I
will be back with more videos welcome
any new comments sorry I got bit chaos
going on in my life about hopefully next
years gonna be a new year like I said
I'm gonna do some more catch ups with
you over the next few weeks and yeah
I'll leave that there guys but I love
you all those
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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