hi guys and welcome to my weekly catch
up I had planned on doing an emotion
regulation video today I'd planned on
doing steps eight and nine today of the
12 steps and I haven't done it and and
I'm going to explain why I have just had
possibly the weekend from hell I went
away for my mom's 60th birthday we went
to the New Forest and we had a lovely
big house it was mine and my step dad
and brother i'm a partner and the kids
and obviously my mom and it was amazing
and we had a such nice day unlike the
saturday because they had a hot tub on
the balcony and the kids will just had
such fun enjoying the lovely sunshine on
this sunday which was actually my mum
60th and we woke up and I could hear my
daughter playing she was in my mom's
room and I was in my bedroom and all of
a sudden she screamed and I know my
daughter like she can fall and hurt
herself but this was just a different
cry and I knew something was wrong so I
went running in to my mom's room and my
mom was SAT there with her she was
screaming my mum had something on her
mouth and my mom like said it's really
bad and the way she said it her voice
was quivery I knew all might like oh my
god what's happened my mum said I think
she needs the hospital and she showed me
her mouth I've got picture here
basically my daughter had been jumping
on the bed and there was a sofa and it
looked perfectly safe um kids jump on
beds I'm always telling them don't jump
on the bed it drives me crazy but they
don't listen to me and anyway so she was
jumping she jumped to the sofa there was
a window sill behind the sofa and she
has smacked her face into the window and
it split her lip I've got the photo here
as you can see it's not just the lip it
goes down the chin um the whole lip you
can see that was in half
this photo I took she'd been holding it
so it like pushed it back so that was
taken and it didn't look as bad when my
mom showed me the whole lip was
literally hanging down and I knew I had
to get her to a hospital we grabbed her
me my partner got in the car went to the
hospital the hospital we went to said
she needs to go under general because
it's not just there she needed the face
we can't put back she needs to go under
general anesthetic you need to get this
hospital so we drove half an hour to
another hospital I don't know how I
drove my body was going into shock which
I know it wasn't me but was my little
girl and she's like my little princess
and I just felt so helpless like seeing
her like that I mean she was amazing
she'd stopped crying she'd calmed down
and she was just SAT holding it and as a
mum watching your little girl your child
going through that and just wanting to
take the pain away and have it yourself
and not being able to do anything being
completely helpless Oh so we got to the
other hospital we were really lucky and
they got a book today said to us look it
might be a way we're really lucky
actually because that morning had two
brothers had breakfast and she said I
don't want anything yet so she hadn't
eaten and we got straight into theatre
basically with her and her dad came he
drove like he was an hour away he lives
two hours away he was an hour away which
was quite lucky so it didn't take him as
long together he came she was only
allowed one person into theatre with her
and I gave her the option who'd you want
she said you mommy and so I went in but
obviously it's only while they put them
to sleep and then you got to leave the
room and I just burst into tears leaving
the room theatre just lying there my
precious precious little girl throughout
the whole thing she was so brave she was
like amazing I was a mess like I'm not
you
squeamish except like if I've had a
tooth pulled out on my wisdom tooth when
they took my implant out and my body
goes into like shocked I start shaking i
think i'm going to vomit I think I'm
going to faint and that was happening it
just kept happening I don't know if it
was like cool and pregnant and I hadn't
had breakfast and she said to me because
she wasn't allowed it was nil by mouth
so she wasn't allowed to drink and she
was like mommy will you not so obviously
I won't um because I wanted to sit there
and I just felt mean if I'd SAT there
and I didn't even want to eat it was
like the last thing on my mind so am
yeah it was lucky she hadn't eaten but
yeah my so my body was like going into
shock and I thinketh kind of fame I'm
gonna be sick it was just like it was
the most horrendous day and um but she
was lucky she got into theatre they
operated I think I've got another little
picture let me see of when it was done
um one second and i will show you yeah
when it was all stitched back like this
did you know little mouth it was like
all under her lip so that night like we
went back off like once we were done at
the hospital visiting she was kept in so
they could observe her because she'd
been under general and we got to go home
i'm not home back to the New Forest and
I just didn't want to be there I there
was luckily a spare room with a double
bed and I slept in there with her
cuddled up to her not that night I just
couldn't sleep I just lay there looking
at watching her and it really made me
realize like how fragile our little ones
are um and for the day since then I've
just wanted to sleep I have felt a bit
down and and I started to getting all
panicky law cuz I'm on my meds isn't my
mental health and by looked it up
because I started thinking oh my god is
this post traumatic stress disorder
because i'm replaying everything in my
head see my little girl
that and it's just I just I can't bear
it but I'm still replaying it even
though I hate doing out I can't help but
do it but I looked up and apparently
it's not this is normal how I am feeling
so which is good so what I'm doing at
the moment I'm just trying to talk lots
about it try not to be too predictable i
doesn't want to wrap her in cotton wool
now um like she was booked to go for
like a day in summer school at the
nursery with her brothers and I was like
do you want to go and I was like really
hoping she'd say no so I have an excuse
that she could stay here and would just
sit and so from what films together but
she did want to go which is a good thing
and I let her go because I know she's
just down the road and I've told them if
she needs me I will be there I will
collect her and I keep phoning and
checking and she's fine she's having a
great time and so this was yesterday and
today again she was booked to go not
like Jordan to go she was like yes mummy
I do so I let it go even though it's
really hot and she's going to see her
dad at the weekend and again I was like
do you want to go and part of me like I
think it's great that she sees her dad
and it's not me that oh I don't want her
to be with me but um part of me wanted
her to be like our don't want to go and
I blue ice okay you can stay with mommy
because I don't want her to go because
her dad lives two hours away and I feel
like she's so far from me and I know she
will have the best time when she's with
her dad her and her brother always do
and I know he will look after her so
well and I really do know that but I
still feel like she's so far away and i
think you know maybe I should go and
stay with my mom for the weekend because
at least then my mum lives two hours
waiting in her dad so I'm close to her
and I know that's not healthy and I
can't I can't go down that road I've got
to be strong I've got to realize that
accidents happen and I know they do
like I said it's just been really really
tough so that's why I've been a bit late
replying to my messages I haven't really
been on Twitter this week I've done
anything and I haven't done my videos
that I wanted to do but I will be back
doing them next week definitely and I am
sorry that they haven't been done that
it is just a bit of a stressful time at
the minute and I am just trying to get
over this whole thing without it sending
me mental basically and doing it in a
healthy way without wrapping her in
cotton wool like I want to do i'll never
go back to that place though because
it's just got horrid memories for me now
so i won't go there even though it was
amazing but now I just every time I
think that I think look I hate it and
but we've got the rest of the summer
holidays to get through and I'm sure
they will be fine if they don't jump
from the burbs uh yeah I'm going to
leave that there i thought i would let
everyone know what's going on this week
I know my poor mum it's her 60th
birthday as well we'll always remember
that half of the day my daughter was in
hospital but I'm yeah i will definitely
be back next week and i'll be back on it
during the book for videos and answering
messages and doing everything i should
be doing alright guys take care bye