hi today I'm doing a weekly catch up it
is the twentieth of May and it is my
son's 5th birthday tomorrow we have the
big party that I've been driving myself
crazy planning and tomorrow night lov
over and I'll be have to chill for a
week before we start planning the next
one last night I was getting my kids to
sleep and I started like telling them
like this time five years ago kyun was
still in my tummy and I was saying to
them like I was getting me me to bed and
started getting tummy pains and had to
call their dad not taken to hospital and
I was explaining all that to them and
they loved the story and they went to
bed all excited because he knew his his
birthday tomorrow and um yeah so they
went to bed and all of a sudden I just I
suppose it as I was cleaning I thought I
need to get all my housework done I know
it's late but with party and so I need
to do it now so i started cleaning
because i was clean in my mind start
taking over and I started having all
these like old memories of five years
ago and five years ago my life was so
different I was married I amelia was one
nearly to Kim was in my tummy I was nine
months pregnant and we just moved into a
house and I kinder I thought I had it
all I thought life was great and
everything was good but I did suffer a
bit postnatally my ex-husband and I
argued a lot in the week after my son
was born he wanted to go out and wet the
baby's head and I didn't want to be left
alone with two kids and um so yeah there
was some arguing going on there
it was about two months after my son was
born that I found out that my husband at
the time my ex-husband had been
basically phoning when I might well my
best friend at the time every day and
talking for hours and it been going on
for about a year the whole tough through
my whole pregnancy behind my back now
they to this day swear that nothing else
happened but it was an emotional affair
and I think for me that was the hardest
thing the worst thing is I used to think
had had they told me oh we get on we're
going to talk on the phone I think I
would have been alright with that
because I know like because I was
pregnant sometimes we'd meet down the
pub and he'd say oh can I stay out with
such and such and I'll be like yeah not
go home and it was never an issue
because I trusted him a hundred percent
and yeah I remember finding the number
and the phone so no wife you phoned such
and such and you know what I just I
didn't even think anything at the time
it was his reaction I thought
something's going on and so I pushed a
little bit and sure enough he said look
we're really close we get on I swear
nothing's happened she I went round
there I have my new baby and Amelia he
was nearly two and then I dropped them
at my mum's and went round there and I
sat down my talk to her because I
planned to go in raha but she had her
daughter there and so I didn't want to
do that and we got talking and you know
what like I forgive them because I you
might say I'm stupid or naive but I
really don't believe anything else
happened and but it doesn't matter it
whether it did the fact that they were
having these deep meaningful
conversations every day behind my back
that was really
really hard it was the hardest time in
my life I attempted suicide I started
drinking that every day from morning to
evening us then started using drugs
again and I didn't leave him but
basically that was the change in our
relationship our relationship was never
the same again because he trusted him so
much like I just did not it was just
like I can't explain at the devastation
and i found out in the dude july and by
that the december i was still crying
every day in the october i attempted
suicide again um and my life was a just
it just never went back i ended up
moving out and went to live with my mom
with the kids again we stayed together
but like the relationship was never the
same again now I don't have any anger
towards him he's a brilliant add to the
kids and we get on I don't think I was
that easy to live with because obviously
I suffered with my mental health and the
amount of times he'd find me my cut
wrists going mental throwing myself out
a car so so I was difficult to live with
and I do know that um but yeah I tried
to make it where we did counseling and
and it was until I actually went into
rehab that I had counseling myself on my
own as well and I kind of realized if I
was just to come out and go back home
and everything be the same I would end
up drinking and using again and so I had
to make the hardest decision of my life
because I knew I'd be uprooting my kids
I never wanted to fail marriage I never
thought I'd have a failed marriage when
I got married I thought we'd grow old
together but unfortunately that's not
that's not my story I did I went through
a divorce and I relocated but I'm okay
now it's really weird I look back now
and I'm really happy I mean I live on my
own with the kids and yeah it's not like
I'm rich or I have loads of money or I
can go shopping all the time I mean
being a mom is hard especially when you
living on your own doing it but I'm
really content and that piece now I
don't think I'd have ever moved away had
had he not done we did with my friend
I'd probably still be heading towards my
rock bottom which I eventually would
have hit but I'd probably still be
living in the same area and so actually
I kind of look what happened happened
for a reason because because of that I
hit rock bottom a lot lot sooner and
probably a lot lot harder and but that's
what got may be going to rehab and it
was just by chance that i chose like
somewhere quite far away i haven't
really heard of it before and i decided
to relocate here and life is really
really good now but i can't explain the
devastation at the time they were the
most painful years and last night i did
kinda yeah went over everything in my
head thinking how different life would
be after everything um I found out that
they've been talking and
I hated to my house and we just moved in
and I was that I love it when here we're
a family but after that I just felt like
everything was like dirty and horrible
because I thought I moved in thinking oh
we're a happy family and I didn't
actually know that he didn't feel that
way and but I do think he's got regrets
now and then he's kinda well I don't
know I can't really talk on his behalf
but he isn't really really good dad to
the kids and they love him and we do get
on now which is really nice and how did
I get onto the subject oh yeah my son's
5th birthday but yeah all that point
happened and now my son is 5 and life is
so different I didn't think back then
and that I wouldn't be living there now
I'd be divorced I'd have another child
there but i do believe everything
happens for a reason and i am really
really happy now really happy really
depressed cause of the party but really
happy yeah so what else has happened
this week i soaked with my best friend
because the clause I asked her five
months ago to save the date of this
birthday party and the next one so she
can help me and she she is helping me
tomorrow when she's my best friend and I
love her but she text me the week Oh got
flights to Spain was like yay good for
you when is it oh sorry it's at the
other party and I just just like oh my
god I'm so hurt and I really took it
personally and I didn't talk to her for
two days and I never ever do that so I
don't know what was going on for me I
did phone her after two days and say I'm
sorry I've been so King I know you
didn't mean now I just took it really
personally like you don't want to be
there for me such a child obey was
really awful two days because she's like
my best friend down here and um we've
kinda we came through treatment together
and we speak every day on the phone and
was so similar and I just love her to
bits and it was the worst two days the
first day I didn't talk to her and I
didn't have the kids there aren't
nursery in that I came home I went to
bed and I slept like three hours I was
so miserable oh I can laugh about it now
because i went two for lunch with her
yesterday up with that's better but uh
yeah I'm gonna leave it there guys but I
hope you will have a lovely week and I
will be back next week after the party
all right guys bye