hi guys how are you
and today I'm gonna do question and
answer on personal questions I'm gonna
do a video after on different questions
regarding like borderline personality
disorder but this one is about personal
questions
the first question I was asked why was
someone called I think and drama are you
married no I was married I got married
when I was 26 got 25 25
yeah and had my first baby at 26 had
another baby was 28
and I got divorced and it was no one
goes into marriage playing to get
divorced obviously I thought I was with
my soulmate we were best friends and to
this day we're not best friends now but
he is a good dad to the kids and that's
what's the main thing and I feel like I
can talk to him like last night my
daughter was being a complete witch and
I phoned him and was like can you talk
to her please
so that's quite good they get to the
kids yet see their dad regularly I have
talked about it's in a different video
basically my ex-husband when I was
pregnant with my son here I found out
when Kim was only about three months old
I think that my husband has been having
an affair with my best friend now to
this day they denied anything sexual
happened and I have no proof that I did
the only proof I have is that they
talked every day on the phone for hours
and they're talking the evening they
taught when he was at work as soon as he
left the house in the morning on his way
to work he'd phone her and so whether or
not they had sex that was worse for me
because it was like I thought he was my
best friend and we were best friends
something I found that he was confiding
and talking to saw the girl right I mean
he wasn't entirely happy I was pregnant
he found it quite stressful and he
talked about this kind of personal stuff
with her and I did find it really really
hard to deal with I mean when after I
found out that it was literally the
worst time in my life I attempted
suicide I mean my son was only a few
months old my daughter just turned 2 and
I was just devastated
and it was literally the worst time in
my life and I really turned to drink and
I tend to drugs and anything to numb the
pain and I don't think I've ever quite
as much in my entire life as at that
time I cried every single day like I
found out at end of July and by the
Christmas I was cried every day like
constant I literally felt like I was
having a heart ripped out looking back
do I think I was to blame no I don't I
don't think anyone deserves that but I
do appreciate that I was hard to live
with because I had borderline my moods
were all over the place my ex-husband
was quite fiery and so we could have
quite big like intense arguments he
would often find my mum saying I'm
leaving her and leaving her because he
couldn't cope and so I don't kind of
have anger there now I've let it go I
think well because what he did at the
end of the day he has paid a price for
that because I left and I've got the
children and you don't kind of wish that
on anyone
but I had to leave because I'm black
mentally I couldn't have stayed I was
the trust was gone it was completely
gone and whereas he was someone that I
idolized and thought he was amazing
all of sudden I just all those feelings
just went like he wasn't the person I
thought he was
but like I said he's a good dad today
and that's what's important to me
so no I'm not married I'm divorced but I
do have a partner it's awkward actually
because I met my partner when I went to
rehab and also just before I met my
partner I ended my marriage in rehab
because we were doing couples counseling
and even the counselor said this is
something that you know you've gone too
far you're not gonna get over and so I
made the decision to enter marriage and
I did primary rehab then I did secondary
and I met a guy and we we were just all
friends there was a group of us actually
we're all friends and I started to like
him and they warned you not to get with
someone in treatment and I I was really
kind of fighting for my feelings for a
long time but then I thought I really
liked him and in the end I got with him
and we got a baby bit soon but I don't
regret my son having said that but my
ex-husband now really I think has a lot
of anger towards my partner because he
thinks you knew she was married even
though my partner he didn't because I've
ended the marriage before um but that's
okay he needs someone to blame and if he
wants to blame him that's fine there's
nothing I can do about it so they don't
talk which is very very awkward
especially as my kids adore my partner
so yeah basically still got with my
partner I'm I'm pregnant with his second
baby so I have two children with my
ex-husband and I will have two children
with my partner which leads me on to my
next question actually far from
Christina and Christina asked me like
how is how am i with my boyfriend how's
my relationship right so like I just
said we met in treatment and they
advised you not to get with beeping
treatment because you're vulnerable
but I thought I knew best and I thought
he's amazing he's gonna save me and he
didn't save me
we've been through really tough times
together I got pregnant very early on in
the relationship and the pregnancy was
hell
really I was so farming I didn't trust
him because I didn't know him really I
thought I did
but didn't and it's only now that I
think oh my god you're so different to
the past not a mare and I get what they
say now about getting with people in
treatment but that's not to say I regret
it because we have a beautiful son and
we're having a beautiful daughter
together but the relationship is a
struggle at times it became such a
struggle I see when my son turned a year
old
my partner decided he'd had enough he
had to move out he couldn't live here
anymore
and I really kind of felt like just fine
just leave me with the kids
I got do it and I was gonna end things
but I didn't and we've kinda make it
work and looking back it's the best
thing that happened to me because I was
never independent before and now I
realize I cope really well on my own
I've got a strict routine I'm happy but
the relationship can be hard he can come
round and disrupt my routine that
piecemeal our recoveries took different
journeys where as I focused on my mental
health and that kind of stopped my
addiction
he doesn't have mental health he's got
well his mental health issue is the
addiction so he does 12-step meetings
and that works for him but that used to
irritate me sometimes which it shouldn't
but I think that you do meetings all the
time well it shouldn't because I used to
do meetings all the time so that's
really wrong of me but we do rub each
other up the wrong way we've got
different parenting styles which can be
a problem regarding the borderline
personality disorder I still very much
what last we
I hated him I said I would never live
with him
I would not grow old with him and I
generally felt like that today
I can't wait to live with him we are
planning on moving in together soon
I'm really excited and he's the love of
my life again and everything's good but
then I know how I can turn change yeah
ice
yeah is love hate love hate and uh but
whereas I used to when I hate them be
like rah I'm not really like that now I
kinda just fight it out and don't say
anything and I'm good at communicating
with him now like the other day he came
there because he's what this thing is
saying he's being really negative
recently I can say all this because he
doesn't watch my videos but he's been
really negative recently and
everything's doom and gloom and and I
would quite a positive person we went
out for a meal for my birthday with my
mom now
and after he's like I hope you enjoyed
that I was like yeah I did he like last
time you'll get to do that in 18 years
because you got kids I thought okay if I
need to hear that yes I have kids but
actually I don't I don't mind a lot I
love having the family and yeah he's not
excited he doesn't really talk about
pregnancy I think it shocked him and
sorry yes where was I yeah so he doesn't
really mention the pregnancy he has
struggled with it because I think he
thinks all the pressures on him and it's
not we kind in this together I would say
he's old-fashioned in his views he
doesn't mean to be but he kind I can
tell by
he talks sometimes like yeah well my dad
went out to work and my mom stayed at
home so he thinks I should be the little
lady in the kitchen and he should go and
do that well no I want to go out I can
be a mom Matt and I can do work and I
can yeah so that can be frustrating so
yeah I think I have kind everyday issues
with him we have come a long way the
relationship wasn't always like that
like I said at the beginning it was
really fiery and I lashed out at him
quite a few times and he really saw what
it was like to live with someone with
borderline and I think it terrified him
but I was lucky that I was able to get
it become to control really but
relationships are really hard
communication is key but do I always
like my partner and no sex life is that
okay I think so he would say he wants it
more but I'm busy I'm a mom I'm
constantly busy I get tired yeah so what
else yeah like we talk it's all coughing
that's the most important thing really
sometimes he talks and he ever takes
hell at me actually he does that a lot
but then I think I irritate the hell out
of him so it's kind of two-way we are
very different
whereas in treatment I thought oh my God
he's like my twin uh-huh because I was a
sick person back then and I didn't see
it but now I do see it
so yes yeah my relationship yeah it's
all right we're gonna be moving in
together so if you asked me the same
question in a few months I might be like
Karen but right now I'm okay but then we
live apart so it's gonna be a big step I
don't know how I'm gonna cope living
with someone when I'm setting my routine
and I've got a way dealing with the kids
and my ways right of course
and then he comes along and interrupts
everything and annoys me all right it
might be all right it might be a case oh
yeah ask me that question again in a few
months
yeah they're my personal customs dice
I'm going to move on to another video
quickly before I click the kids so you
laid out but I