[Music]
hi Claudia help you hello Eloise Robert
don't mind the onesie hey KK like him
how is everyone doing is everyone good
struggling why are you struggling
Claudia family gave self-esteem issues
yes it's that time of year when you see
family that you don't necessarily see
for the rest of the year and then all of
a sudden you've got kind of forced upon
them or they're up for starts and it's
really really difficult I think a lot of
people find this time of year really
difficult like you guys know I
personally like Christmas but even I
have kind of struggled this year just
because there's been so much on just
like being busy and I just don't feel
I've been able to really enjoy it like I
usually do hi Lise hi Robert oh that's
very sweet
happy birthday Zack
I'm trying to get used to live streaming
whilst also reading all the comments as
they come up as you guys know I'm I'm
not a regular streamer but I'm going to
start trying to livestream more often
because I think it's nice it feels like
we're together I'm like we're just
chatting it's quite nice be PDF do a
relationship video on a relationship
between BPD and schizophrenia
um the only issue I have with that is I
don't actually know enough about
schizophrenia is my camera blurry I'm
just going to try and wipe my camera
guys okay
one second that's me wiping my camera is
that clear
grubby camera what was that comment
regarding your breakup okay yes I broke
up from my husband ten years see yes
oh is it a BPD tray to not want to feel
like a victim of domestic abuse even if
you are I don't know if it's necessarily
a BPD trait but a lot of people with BPD
for example tend to go with people that
are quite narcissistic quite controlling
and the reason for that well there's a
number of reasons one it could be
looking for like that father figure
maybe you didn't have when you were
younger or maybe you did have and you
think that's how men should be so we
kind of get into relationships with
people that like we think look strong
and powerful when actually it's it's
their controlling but the thing is we
tend to people with BPD actually are a
narcissist dream because we kind of feed
their narcissism because we want to be
looked after and so we can oh it's how
much one I explained now I'm not
explaining it very well and okay so like
for me from like how I used to be I'd
get in a relationship with a guy and I
could be like oh look after me like
wanting to be looked after and you were
so wonderful and you're so strong and I
love you so much and they love that
because that makes them feel even more
powerful ones and walking they can be
more controlling and we can kind of
allow it
I think it
actually when we come into recovery or
we start building our self-esteem little
bit that we kind of think well no
actually this isn't right this isn't
healthy I jumped into heisters hey Brian
Sam's dad I used to just literally jump
into one parent after another and all
the guys were very very similar in
certain ways I mean personality wise
they could be completely different but
they all for example I always went out
with guys that like at least 10 years
older than me and my ex-husband was 10
years older than me my ex-partner was 10
years older than me before that guy I
went out there I was 25 years older than
me and that's when I was about 20 and I
saw them as protectors when actually
they were anything but protectors let me
have a read watch your favorite topic
video oh yeah Amanda ever so quickly
that that does sound very narcissistic
where they can make you feel really
small and horrible and fragile and then
they swoop in and save you like I don't
actually know enough about narcissism
but I can definitely recognize some of
the traits especially in previous
relationships of mine right Brian's
asked what's my favorite topic today
within BPD um is I liked it I liked fear
of abandonment I don't like fear of
abandonment anger issues unstable
relationship
the young player self-image that their I
think probably my favorites like
self-harm and suicide not so much
because it's just it's quite like I can
talk about it it's just quite a painful
subject to talk about
um let me have a read
vivia there's no advice do you know I do
Robert um dr. Grande cuz I I filmed
another video with him I've got a series
going on over on his channel a BPD serie
a series and we filmed last night I
don't know when he's gonna put the video
out but I would say he's the person to
ask because stuff like schizophrenia and
everything he would he would have the
answers that I just don't have
unfortunately but I definitely head on
over say recovery mum said new and this
is the video requests and I'm pretty
sure he'll be able to do that I am
staying strong stirrers thank you
do you like Kim said do you find that if
you have issues is easy for our partners
to blame us even when they're in the
wrong yes absolutely
when one of the one one partner has BPD
and the other one doesn't have a
diagnosis BPD gets blamed for everything
what I tend to see a lot as well is say
someone has one partner has BPD and
they're diagnosed and the other person
is a narcissist but they're not
diagnosed and yet they will put on and
blame the BPD for everything even if
actually the other person has no mental
health disorder like and poorab
narcissism but they might have nothing
but I mean I I've been told do you think
you need to
medicine opted just cuz I'm having a bad
day I think have root no I don't know
I'm okay oh it's okay to have a bad day
um and it's very easy for them to blame
the BPD everything and they they might
do something wrong or they might say
something that's really unfair and we
pulled them on here and they they make
out our perceptions off because of the
BPD and we took it the wrong way when
actually we took it exactly the way it
was said but the BPD gets blamed so yes
I do feel everything can be made that
it's our fault
yeah thank you and thank you to you my
lovely Robert hide my border my life I
made a video you know I didn't see it
where boom oh I will have a look on your
channel hi Sylvia thank thank you Nadia
I'm not feeling it I have put makeup on
obviously but I am in for once again if
you where's my I got my hat with my ears
it actually has a tail on it that when I
walk around my cats dive the back and
grab my tail what's this I've just
bought out a new song ooh
everyone Robert hi my borderline life
has just brought out a new song for the
KYB PD album call what his love called
what is love please check it out guys
yes
Claudia can be a very lonely time and
especially when it looks like everyone's
so happy but you know what a lot of
people actually aren't happy it just
appears that way during the film home
alone when he's walking and he's looking
in all the windows
all the happy families around the table
enjoying Christmas and it looks so
wonderful from the outside but actually
probably if you're in that house and you
were one of those family members chances
are you're thinking bad of another
family member or you're not getting on
with someone or you just don't want to
be there it's very easy from the outside
looking in to assume and that things are
wonderful when that's just not the case
at all like I've spoken to a friend
recently and she was just cursing and
like because it's just cost her so much
she's having all the family over and
it's not like all the family that come
each say oh let me give you 20 bucks
like give you some money for the food
it's kind of all on the person that's
hosting and they have to do everything
now
like my mom and my stepdad have done so
much over Christmas and we had a lovely
day we had a few family members on the
Christmas day on the day after Christmas
Day we have Boxing Day over here I know
in Ireland and in other countries you
have st. Stephen's Day but we have
Boxing Day and so we had all the family
over there must have been over 20 people
and it was really good fun for all of us
I just felt so sorry for my mom and my
stepdad my stepdad did absolutely
everything cooking they when everyone
left they'd still clean until like 3:00
4:00 in the morning and they are
absolutely exhausted yes so I
disconnected and I reconnected I keep
disconnecting hang on guys get me Wayne
Tibet no it's seeming to be working
so yeah we're just gonna focus on the
kids so it's good hey Kade do you think
Zak asked do you think mental health
issues have worsened due to prevalence
of technology and social media
definitely one 100% definitely in
regards like Instagram Facebook social
media people like to post things of
everything that's wonderful in their
life well let's take like certain people
like to post things everything so
wonderful and you know and that can make
other people feel like not not enough
like not good enough technology with all
the different filters people make
themselves look like completely
different to what they look like in real
life and people have become so
image-obsessed lie
so image obsessed and from a young age I
really fear for my daughter actually
because I see girls of like 12 years old
their boobs hanging out and makeup I
mean guys if you saw me at 12 years old
I was such a geek I did not I don't
think I knew what sex was when I was 12
I I probably had really greasy hair
glasses I thought it was really cool to
wear like baggy colored jeans like green
jeans and like a man's shirt I don't
know why it's just a phase I went
through and I would go everywhere with a
moody bitch face but now oh it's just
scary I said there's that then there's
the other side where people post that
everything that's wrong in their life
how bad life is and they kind of
making themselves vulnerable like okay
so on my social media I think I still
have that I'm in a relationship in my
partner he actually said are we still
friends on that was like yeah he said
are we still like in a relationship on
there and I said Tierra I will change it
but I kinda need to process everything
myself before I let the whole world say
that not done a video on it but like all
the people that know me locally before I
start because then it's a whole you okay
what happened and it's just a lot of
people have just really knows me and I'm
just not ready to share that so I kind
of have just left it so yeah definitely
also like with the internet more and
more people can start like self
diagnosing and and just like if you go
in and type in I have a temperature it
could be so many different things it's
the same as if you type in say a tray of
BPD it can overlap with so many other
mental disorders and it's very easy for
people to start self diagnosing oh so
like diagnosing other people and don't
get me wrong I probably I'm like I'm
saying I'm pretty sure I went out with a
narcissist they're not diagnosed so I'm
kind of died myself which I probably
shouldn't do but yeah I think there's
definitely link definitely let me have a
little read through guys okay really
round why do I keep cutting off yeah I
would say Amanda you're not freak
definitely not I think like we all can
gravitate towards a different kind of
person and I think a lot of that does
stem from childhood so some people it
might be an older male some people it
might be someone younger that they feel
they can protect
and it might be a mother figure I sewed
but it's good that you notice it how do
you ah suck uh yeah how do you break up
with someone with BPD um okay so I will
answer this I would like if you're with
someone with BPD and you are not happy
in the relationship you you don't have
to stay in the relationship but I would
say just bear in mind that they are
highly sensitive and the shots are not
going to take it well so you would need
to do it in a really kind of sensitive
way even if you don't feel like being
some stiff and I heard from someone
recently that they wanted to break up
with someone with BPD but the person
with BPD kept threatening suicide or so
so calming and they just didn't know
what to do um and unfortunately like
that is because the person with BPD is
so well so sensitive and if you were
worried about them maybe speak to one of
their family members or close friend and
kind of explain look I'm not happy right
now but I don't I'm I'm fearful for them
and I want to make sure they are safe
but at the same time it's also you can't
feel take all the responsibility of that
person like on your shoulders is is you
can't if you're really really not happy
and someone is saying well I'll kill
myself if you leave me it is it's
actually not your responsibility but I
would say be sensitive
okay hi Ellie thank you thank you Liam
even in my Minnie Mouse onesie there's a
link I don't know if I'll get the link
on here because I um Robert because I
have a feeling that once why I end this
all these comments disappear so you
might be just resend it to me afterwards
hi teen hour Thank You Candace okay now
this is can a girl have completely show
in only romantic relationship and a
desire to self-harm but not other areas
[Music]
well to have the diagnosis you'd have to
have five of the nine traits and but
bear in mind you say like only in
relationships but actually you could
have a few traits that are affecting
your relationship say for example fear
of abandonment that could be one
affecting relationships unfair and
unstable self-image that can be
affecting relationships anger issues
that can be affecting your relationships
then unstable relationships is a train
and then you mentioned the self harm so
that would be five so yes it is possible
because some people can really hold it
together to the outside world obviously
there's my arms going numb
um what was the same some people yeah
there's quiet VPD so that person would
be an introvert as opposed to an
extrovert so maybe to the outside world
everything kinda seems okay they can
work and see friends and if things okay
but in their romantic relationships
there's
and behind-the-scenes they struggling
let me have a read
how'd the book go Serena okay so the
book is right all right well the initial
launch date was January the 8th 2019 and
I was like I went out earlier I wasn't
ready for Christmas it's important I do
this so I made sure the book had been
written and edited by me by June so I
could get an October release date but we
have had setbacks I mentioned before
like the designer who does all the
internal kind of design of the book
he's his mom passed away so he took some
time off so I have just been some really
unfortunate setbacks so the date is
January the 8th I'm hoping it's a
best-seller
obviously because when I wrote it I
really kind of not only kept in mind
those with BPD but also family members
just because I know so many people that
just have no idea about BPD and it was
also a way of smashing the stigma
because people see that those of us with
BPD is oh my god you're psycho you're
evil you're a horrible person and I know
that's not true
but I kind of just want to put it out to
the world and kind of show them like
this these are our behaviors but these
are the thoughts and feelings that drive
the behaviors and hopefully when people
see actually what's going in here on an
errand in here they will start to
understand why we behave the way that we
do so
I think everyone's BPD goes a bit funny
at this time of year is just that
difficult time right Kim said do you
struggle with jealousy my partner he
says I'm jealous of his children but he
makes me feel I'm not oh my goodness
it's such an awkward one with like
stepchildren
it is so awkward and I think that is for
even people without BPD because they've
got a kind of different kind of bond
like a parent and a child has a
different bond too like a romantic
couple we can be highly sensitive and
the way I see it because I've been
through this um I went through this with
my ex-husband and my stepson was how old
was he
six when I met him and my ex-husband you
say oh you're jealous that I spend time
with him and I really didn't feel like I
was but then I'd get irritated that he
dared say that and then I would feel
like well why are you defending him when
I haven't done anything wrong
and then jealousy probably would start
and one day we took my stepson to like
this bowling alley and he literally he
was about seven at the time he picked up
the bowling ball and he dropped it on my
foot and I swore I'd get really hurt and
I would not have sworn around a child I
was like and I was like you did off
purpose and my ex-husband obviously
defended his son but then kind of saw
that I was in pain and what I did I kind
of Sam
my stepson down and I said look I don't
know why we feel this way but I'm not
trying to take over the place your mom
you can see me it's someone you can
confide in and I'm here for you and
after that everything changed and we
became really really close and it was
all
but the way I had to see is actually how
I was feeling he was probably feeling it
like so much more and that's the thing
as children because I can remember when
I was younger and I was over in Ireland
and my dad was with a girl a woman and
they had just had a baby and I used to
feel like really pushed aside and I felt
jealous of her and one day he he
him and her had a big row and my dad
took because she was moaning about me
and my brother because she was the step
parent as she was probably feeling all
the jealousy that like we kind of feel
when we were adults towards stepchildren
so she was going through that so she
swore about me and my brother so my dad
got me and my brother and took me to my
Nana and grump does house and we didn't
go back to the stepmothers house and
then they broke up soon after there
anyway all right so I've kind of had it
from both sides so I would just say yeah
it's difficult but sometimes we just got
to think the children are really feeling
it as well you're fading oh no I just
chatted for ages as well hi Jenny
lovely and wise I don't know like a wise
old owl I'm not so sure on how I can
manage my jealousy over my boyfriend
from close female friends and how can I
stop coming at Massiah tea and
uneasiness when he engages with them
okay so I went through this as well with
my ex-husband and I was like really
freaky freaky would follow him
everywhere and spy on him I was so so
jealous literally I had that knot in my
stomach literally eating me up inside
all the time and it's not a nice place
to feel like B is it
the worst feeling and I would then make
sly comments about his female friends he
would defend them and I would think
you're defending that slut even though
she hadn't done anything wrong just
dared be friends with him I didn't like
it and for me I got to a point of like I
can't do this anymore
this is like destroying me it's gonna
destroy our relationship I just have to
just go it's all like everything's okay
and I like faked it to make it basically
and that's white
and he just was like no I'm not jealous
person is we get jealous because we're
actually our self-esteem is really low
so I would say do things to make
yourself feel good and rather than
focusing on him and his friends go out
have fun with your own friends if you
don't have lots with your own friends
make friends I know it sounds scary but
you can do it
the problem is obviously if we suffer
with anxiety it's it's difficult well
you don't have to just walk into
somewhere and be like hey will someone
be my friend it was like just go
somewhere like maybe if you've got a
local gym or swimming or reading club or
whatever near you and meet people with
similar interests and just talk to one
person that's it and get on and then
maybe say short numbers and then next
time maybe we should go for a coffee
after and you make friends that way
let's have a look
radioactive heart yes I do read these
I'm literally I'm probably really slow
there's loads of comments out I'm just
going through them I don't want to miss
anybody how long would it take to fully
recover
Claudia asks oh I've missed someone
marry us yes you did marry her thank you
okay Claudia how long would you take it
take to recover that depends now I did
DBT when I was like 25 and I didn't
fully recover I would say until 34 35
but I could have recovered earlier I
didn't take treatment seriously I didn't
understand BPD there wasn't like was
there YouTube about I don't think so
back then and if there was it was
relatively new and I just didn't have a
clue
I didn't understand BPD I didn't take
recovery seriously I would go along to
my DBT classes and I would sit there and
I would say all the right things but I
would go away and I would not practice
any of my skills none of them I never
did my homework the only way I'd go to
them my mum would drive me to the TBD
class or I wouldn't go and so she would
literally drive me to the door and in
the car on the way I'd be quickly
filling out made-up answers on the form
so when I went in I could make out I'd
done my homework so I didn't take it
seriously I even though I'd had multiple
suicide attempts I didn't realize how
serious BPD was I didn't realize it has
like a 10% suicide rate that's like
successful suicide and I believe up to
70% of people with it attempt at least
once and I just didn't take any of this
in I was still drinking I was still
using a lot of drugs daily and I didn't
feel ready to give that up I just wanted
to party and have fun even though inside
I was in so much pain and what I didn't
realize was actually I was partying and
having fun in using drugs because I was
in pain so that was my solution to make
me feel better so I was just putting
drugs of me every day to make myself
feel better but it was causing me so
many more problems and it wasn't till I
got so bad and the drugs had stopped
working meaning like I was taking them
and I still wasn't feeling happy anymore
they they weren't making me happy so I'd
use more more and more and I still
wasn't happy and I literally hit rock
bottom for the one of the final times
and I put my hands up and I said okay
I'm an addict which I couldn't admit
therefore I always thought I was in
control of the drugs they did not
control
me and yeah I'm an addict and I can't do
this on my own and I went into treatment
and I was in rehab for about seven
months and I got out of rehab and I
spent nine months literally doing
meetings every day 12-step meetings I
did cocaine anonymous I it's quite big
around where I live it's because we have
Narcotics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous
and cocaine anonymous and Narcotics
Anonymous have their own books that they
go by Alcoholics Anonymous obviously
have the big book of Alcoholics
Anonymous and cocaine anonymous follow
the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous but
even though it's called cocaine
anonymous it's for any one if you could
be an appellee you could have used
heroin whatever it doesn't matter so
yeah I was doing meetings every day and
I realized actually I was still really
struggling I was clean and sober but I
still wasn't happy and I thought I'm
doing everything they're saying I'm
doing meetings I'm sharing my story with
people in meetings but why am I not
recovering and it started to dawn on me
like it's the borderline personality
disorder I'm I use drugs because of the
BPD I need to start treating the BPD and
I set up my channel and start putting
the skills into practice and actually
practicing them like regularly and
that's when things started to change for
me wow I've just gone off from a
complete tangent guys but I would say
recovery takes a different amount of
time for everyone the more you practice
the quicker it will be and there will be
setbacks there will always be times
where you think oh my god I'm going
right back but you know it's the same as
like relapse when you're getting clean
from drugs alcohol relapse is part of it
for many many people very very few
people get it the first time but it
doesn't mean they're not gonna get it it
just means this is their journey and
sometimes that's what it takes for you
to then carry on recovering okay
when will where will we be able to buy
your book from and what made you decide
to write a book you know what I've
always wanted to write since I was a
little girl from about eight nine years
old I say aunt be an author so it has
always been a dream I enjoy writing from
very young age or writing a diary like
every single day pages and pages it is
and I just I kind of wonder if because
all my videos obviously I do so many
videos on BPD but they're kind of all
over the place there's no set order and
I thought wow wouldn't it be good to be
able to get everything into a book and
do that and that was kind of I thought
that'd be good and then I got asked by a
publisher would I be interested in
writing a book so it's not like I wrote
the book and then had to go to a
publisher or draw hand again and I was
really really fortunate in the fact I
got asked by publisher and I was like
hell yeah
and I got to it and started writing so
well oh you can buy on Amazon any Amazon
and Amazon's a great place one because
the price is tend to be lower and also
you can leave a review and that's what
I'd say to you if you buy the book and
you read it please do leave a review and
let people know what you think
thank you sir an OBE
[Music]
at loud BPD and quiet BPD at the same
time hmm do I think he allowed inquire
No
because if you loud not quiet I would
say like if you're showing signs of loud
BPD you have general BPD and yes there
might be some things you internalize but
if you're externalizing anything you're
probably just general but obviously
people with quite BPD they kind of go
under the radar a lot because they just
don't externalize anything mrs. Hyde at
all kids are good three of them right my
mom's oh I'm a tattoo what one okay so
this one says Amelia Daisy and it's got
little daisies and this one says Eason
and the turn and it's Keon mr. Stars and
I need to get Lottie done on the back
here let me read sorry guys I'm having a
read Minnie Mouse yes I love it my arm
formulas is it last it's now a couple of
Christmases ago and I'd not never worn a
onesie but I was sold when she got me
this I was like yes is really really
cool I was talking to her the other day
actually because I keep seeing the
number 23 everywhere like it's just
showing up absolutely everywhere and so
we went on this big thing about
numerology and what it means that
everything and one of my cousins was
like you two should do a channel
together just talking they see my arms
like no we don't that means I go yeah I
keep seeing like number 23 and then also
this is weird but I'll look on my phone
and it will say like the time the day
how much percentage charge I haven't
all be numbers and when I add all the
numbers up it comes to 23 just yeah
anyway that was just hmm
okay Thank You Mia thank you me and
thank you sir
nice one Mia nice
hi I'm ultimate illumination what cool
name okay it's Jacob can I please ask if
anyone also know who's feeling tense in
the shoulders face muscles and feeling
socially awkward because you are feeling
anyone notices that you're tense
that's anxiety and where our bodies
literally tense up it's amazing how our
feelings can literally affect us
physically and sometimes I can like get
the physical effects before I even
realize what's going on for me
emotionally I can think I'm okay and
everything's okay but then I notice
actually my body's really tense and then
I realized that actually I'm feeling
quite anxious power lindo - Italy Ciao
Bella
was that good was that you likes them
okay breathing and grounding yourself
yes
breathe well breathing works because
it's just getting that oxygen background
fully 2d tense those muscles and just
helps you relax
so breathing's amazing technique it
sounds like it's really lame but
actually it it's it's not letting this
really good that does take practice my
eyes oh by now
hi guys well that made me go funny my
books out done movie 8 Richard hi Nicky
Jewell so pick up on body movement vibes
is that on why other people like because
I think we are really improves that's
the word intuitive and I think that's
one of the positives of having BPD
actually we can kind of sense how
someone's feeling like we could see a
friend and just know by the way they're
looking like and say to them is
something wrong
that I know you sure and then they open
up and they're like how did you know and
we can pick up on that not obviously
because of all the negatives of BPD we
don't tend to notice the positives
because they're negatives outweigh the
positives I was actually talking about
that with dr. Gondo yesterday saying
there are positives it's not until we
come into recovery that we can really I
appreciate them right Kim I think maybe
teachers have come out worse since being
with my boyfriend he's very cold not
motional yes like this I I see this so
often so drunk in the web spoons or to
say that yeah I think a lot of people
with BPD like like I said for some
reason we get attracted to narcissists
because we see them as big and powerful
and wonderful and they see us as someone
that can feed their ego and make them
feel wonderful and we do that is not
necessarily healthy and of course yes
when you're in a relationship
like that especially one with so
sensitive and then if we have someone
that's completely just like dismisses
our feelings it's so hurtful and it can
make how BPD traits worse of course it
can if you feel like you're in that kind
of relationship what seriously kind of
have a thing like maybe you shouldn't be
in it and it's really hard I hated
breaking up with people is the worst
feeling in the world but we kind of have
to think of ourselves and our own
well-being and think if we want to get
into recovery will that be possible if
we're having someone holding us back if
we have someone toxic in our life we've
got our alcohol power man yes I was
saying that I did the same with drugs
and alcohol
they were my solution but unfortunately
like with the intense BPD feelings when
you have alcohol I'd find it would
exacerbate those feelings so if I was in
a really happy great wonderful mood and
I went out drinking I might have a
really good night but if the wrong way
someone anchored me that alcohol would
make that anger even worse if it's
possible for BPD rage to be even worse
but um yeah I found that so just be
careful I'm reading through the comments
guys
Merry Christmas
[Music]
sorry I'm just literally like scrolling
scrolling yeah I've been there humming
to involve the police and you do the
right thing if you feel scared is the
best thing you can do
aha okay Mario's have you thought of
doing the book has an audiobook yes I
have the publisher actually contact me
or contact me regularly about two weeks
ago to let me know she's currently in
contact with three different studios
locally to me
so in January I'm gonna be doing the
audiobook we me reading it you'll get to
hear my voice thank you SG Jacob Thank
You Shane things can definitely get
better I never used to believe that I
thought that was it there was no way
things could get better but I promise
you they really can Iran baby is
destroying my life BPD destroys a lot of
our lives but that doesn't mean hunter
on to the Power Man that does not mean
you can't regain life and have a good
life and like I said I never ever used
to think that I did not see the point in
recovery because I thought it wasn't
even a thing I thought I was just going
to lift this emotional rollercoaster a
life of hell forever and I saw no way
out but I got found a way out and that's
why I'm here and that's why I do these
videos to tell you guys I know you
probably feel like that's it there's no
hope I promise you there is promise you
I'm getting whatsapp messages pop up
from the top of my phone from my brother
telling me how naughty my children are
being so like my brother and you guys
know he's not spinocerebellar ataxia
it's a degenerative progressive brain
disease so his motor skills are breaking
down so he can hardly talk now it's very
slow he uses an app a lot of the time he
can't really walk two weeks ago we I was
on the phone to my mom my stepdad was
down here fitting an alarm in the house
as I'm alone with the kids now so he was
fitting the alarm I was on the phone to
my mom and my mum screamed and I was
like I didn't know why she was screaming
on the phone and she said she found my
brother facedown pool of blood and he'd
basically fallen and he doesn't have the
reflexes to put his arms out so he just
crashed and he's taking his two front
teeth out and they'd literally like
snapped so the root was still in they
calm ambulance he was taken to hospital
and I think he's really been the shaken
up I hear my kids like they're staying
the three older ones are staying with my
mom at the moment and they all adore
their uncle but I think like even loud
noises can really affect him and so my
kids are kids they don't have to be
quiet so all day today I've been getting
messages about how I should send them to
boot camp and I need to start giving
them proper punishments so yeah it's
been quiet if I really feel for my mum
cuz I'm yeah watching your child like
who's been healthy and happy and doing
everything all of a sudden that stopped
me it's really really difficult my mum's
actually having to stop work so she can
look after him but hopefully they're
going to move here and then I can help
support them as well
let me have a scroll oh you guys are so
lovely see the power man they're
reaching out you dude just hang on in
there do you know what we are really
strong people we don't feel it like we
often feel like we're really really weak
I promise you you know it's not until we
get through it that we're like wow we're
strong
I've got 61 people watching and 14
thumbs up hey guys thumbs up to you too
let's see cake Hey highly intuitive pick
up vibes yes we can
[Music]
okay so Powerman has said but knowing
i'm not alone is not sufficient and I
get that I mean it is helpful knowing
that we're not the only ones but it
doesn't actually take the pain away does
it but what you need to do is focus on
those that are getting into recovery and
know that that can be you too honestly
like this website I'm setting up at the
moment to do there's literally so much
to do I'm hoping it will help so many
people there are people outside there
are going to be that I won't like it
kind of chatroom forum where people can
just talk you know like on a Facebook
feed like that feed I think that won't
necessarily be there to start with that
that is what's being built as well
there will be courses there are going to
be online webinars there will be the
free free videos as well - what kind of
similar to my YouTube ones but much more
specific into the point there's a Q&A
section and more messages from her
brother country there's a Q&A section
and you know like on places like Korra
where you can just ask any question and
then loads of different people can
answer that's what I want so we can all
give our own ideas because we'll all
have different answers and that's okay
because one person's answer might not
resonate and what you might think no and
then someone else says you'll be like
wow that's amazing so I'm hoping part of
it will be live in about a week more
tattoos yes I do
I hat still have my ex-husband's name
because my back three fairy
well it's the father of my kids it's
okay I can deal with that now it's fine
audiobook version yes that is coming out
soon marry us so the studio's booked
being booked for January and I will be
reading here and then it will be out on
audio thank you the power annual more
than welcome to current you are not
taking over the chat at all just stay
safe dude
a quiet BPD's less empathetic I wouldn't
say so I I would just say like the only
real difference is they still get all
the same pain in turn like the emotions
the only thing is rather than
externalizing it they'll internalizes
they might still have that extreme anger
but rather than lashing out and
screaming and swearing at other people
they might go and self-harm and bring
that anger out on themselves and like I
said I think it's really hard for people
with BPD because they can but then go
under the radar because it's not picks
up that there's an issue because it's
behind closed doors chatter you seem fun
to hang out with when my onesie I've got
look friend somebody really I love
friends I started watching friends with
my mum when it first came out in 1994 so
I was 13 Friday night I think from
channel 4 and me and my mum and my
brother would say and watch it it was
just I just really remember I always
loved it and I did a quiz on it today
and I've got 38 out of 40 might be vis
that might have here
happy me it's been a year yeah well the
thing is yeah if it's toxic you did
right to walk away like you said you
were so much happier and I kind of think
the person like those of us with BPD we
have to kind us at some point take some
kind of responsibility ourselves and
want to get well and put in the action
to get well and we can't hold it against
people if we push them away it to a
point that we're like damaging their
mental health if they do want to walk
away it's not nice because obviously we
have that fear of abandonment anyway but
yeah I think you've obviously done the
right thing and yeah you can um you're
not responsible for half I think lots of
people marry a struggle to read a whole
book
some people just it's just having the
attention span yeah my brother's get in
there he's still smiling thank you guys
oh wow like there are so many comments I
think I'm gonna have to kind of squeeze
oh okay that's it I'm not eating it
compares way saying like are we gonna
take around I hope you enjoy are
wondering what's the point of it there
is a point of course there is there's
worse
and sitting in a car in a camp I
remember when I first had Lottie and I
just drive my car up to the place which
is just down the road and just look at
the sea and just cry and just cry and
cry but I don't do that now but back
there and I even then and I was in
recovery then it just felt like
everything can become like so much and
it's just like oh my goodness why bother
hi John thank you
yes killed yeah that's it enjoy the
kebab get a good night's sleep I like
that sometimes that's what we got do
just take it one day at a time
well Steph friends is my mastermind
topic that's like me you should have
like a little quiz do you ever think
about using again and candy sauce
actually no like I have a boss or I'll
call now and again so like my friend
have a baby shower I had a couple of
glasses of champagne on Christmas Day
and a couple of glasses and mulled wine
but I can stop there because I just have
it I enjoy the taste I'm not just
drinking to change how I feel basically
drugs wise I couldn't think for anything
worse no I don't and I never used to
think I'd feel that way because I
thought I would always want I would
always want to use again and even a
couple years in I would just get that
little excited feeling in my tummy think
you all want a little user but now I
just don't get it
because I
I know I I can without even consciously
thinking about it I know how I will feel
after the guilt the shame the regret
having no money
the downer I hated the down I couldn't
bear coming down with drugs and so I'll
just use more and then it just get worse
and worse and worse and so for me like
without even thinking about it I'm just
like no I couldn't do that I couldn't
even bear having like say having three
or four drinks and then having a
headache the next morning that would
just do me in Jennifer Aniston's my
favorite just yes I like Ross was always
my favorite character and friends I love
Ross he was hilarious without being
completely like really obviously
hilarious
right and I have to be diagnosed Oh
so skip when the thing is where like
people get diagnosed nowadays first
thing we do we go on Google and you look
up Peabody and there is so much negative
misinformation out there that is
completely inaccurate because
unfortunately the nature BPD we can
often have these intense relationships
and we can hurt people and those hurt
people will go away and get angry and
tell loads of people about how bad
people are with BPD and so we get a
really bad name for ourselves and the
worst thing we can do is start looking
stuff up I'd say if you're newly
diagnosed and you go online if you come
across something that seems negative
just ignore it turn away from it it's
not good it's not gonna help you just
leave it leave it there it is not a life
sentence
BPD believe it or not it's not a life
sentence Thank You Bren
did you see a change in your boundaries
oh yes absolutely and being a being able
to be assertive as
well I could never be assertive like I
couldn't say no to people if someone
said oh because you give me a lift hair
and it was just one I didn't have enough
money like to put petrol in if I did
that to it I would still do it because I
could not say no I like if I was smoking
back then and if someone asked me for a
cigarette and I only had one left and I
had no money I would give it because I
just couldn't say no so yeah recoveries
for those amazing things
VPD the alternative let me have a look I
think of miss Jenny oh thank you so much
Jenny the ultimate illumination is there
a link between BPD and substance abuse
yes absolutely one one of our one of the
BPG of traits is impulsive
self-destructive behaviors that can be
drug use but also you see a lot again I
talked about this with dr. grande
yesterday a lot of people with BPD have
comorbid disorders which might be
depression anxiety bipolar can't be
substance misuse and I was kind of
saying I don't really necessarily think
it's a separate disorder I think it's
part of the VPD
it's our solution to make us feel better
and that's why we use that's why we use
basically and here's the thing if we're
just to stop the drugs without replacing
it with a healthy solution we're going
to be in trouble
it's just that we're going to be in
trouble because you can't take away our
solution that makes us feel better and
leave us with nothing that's dangerous
so that's what things like DBT do they
give us skills that we can then replace
those unhealthy behaviors with new
healthy coping skills
I'd quit feel like a gloss I know that's
the we through for a long time it's very
easy actually to get clean very
difficult to stay clean I would say if
you're thinking ooh a glass one I would
just think I'm not going to today maybe
I will tomorrow maybe I'll have a drink
tomorrow today I'm not gonna and just
get through the day then the next day
comes and say today I'm not going to
drink what you use today I might
tomorrow but today I'm not going to do
it and just do it like that
and for me that was really helpful
because then I wasn't saying you will
never drink we use again I was just
saying just today not gonna and that
made me feel more in control it wasn't
so scary and I was able to get through
it and now at difficult times I'd have
to go I'm not going to drink for the
next half hour I might after that but
for the next half hour I'm not gonna
drink and I'd so you just do it in a
manageable amount of time Wow missed
again no you didn't I'm here Mike I'm
here
Oh Steph grant I've recently started a
beauty blog you're going to have to let
me know what it is obviously if you do
it on this I think all these messages
disappear once that the video goes
uploaded so uh hi Gemma thank you I'm
trying my I got get my claw hand out
again these fingers have gone um there's
pins and needles let me try and move it
I'll try and hold it with this on for a
second
alive can we ask yes ginger tree you can
you can ask questions it's casual but
you can ask whatever you want
it's a over one foot there's no hope
yeah exactly don't go online or well
obviously go online you can't not go
online but when you come across horrid
staff just dismiss it because it's not
helpful
it would serve no
purpose unfortunately there's a lot of
people out there that have been hurt by
people with BPD and so they go on a
rampage against us just like a lot of
people that get hurt by narcissists will
go on a rampage against narcissists it's
the same thing so I would just say focus
on the positives
let me have a litte go in said what are
you in recovery for BPD borderline
personality disorder and drug addiction
actually an eating disorder self harming
depression anxiety hi Haley
oh it doesn't define you but I
understand that feeling that does and it
can kind of think that is who we are
party we are so much more than the VPD
but it is time you've got to understand
we really struggle with our self-image
we often have really low self-esteem and
we don't think that great of ourselves
anyway and so we can be really
judgmental what recovery gives us is
that we can build that self-esteem and
realize actually we're more than this
disorder Thank You Candace howdy kids
cat kit scout I get scared yes John I
like that you said that's how you being
diagnosed is an amazing thing because
until we get diagnosed we are one we
just don't understand ourselves at all
and we won't seek recovery because what
do we seek recovery for if we don't have
a diagnosis if we don't know what we're
suffering with once we do it's a
wonderful journey that we can take to
get well Jane Vincent I'm concerned I
have BPD I would say speak to a doctor
and see if you can get referred to a
mental health team that can diagnose you
never self diagnosed to get diagnosed
you have to meet five of the nine traits
and have had it for like a long time not
two years I think it is over here
because most people in Bob take some of
the traits at some point in their life
it doesn't mean happy be let's have a
look the Dustin blew up one go show
hello
yes there
yes you can post it in the comments
after the streams over Steph
what about cannabis
Mario's asked like do you know war uh I
did a video it was one of my first
videos and it's really bad but it was
called the first time I tried cocaine
and the reason I did in that video is
because in 12-step meetings you have
someone self the front and share their
story of what they went through how they
found recovery and how life is now
basically and so I thought I'd do it
over set video so I did one at the first
time I tried cocaine and then cocaine in
the final years I'm hating what whatever
it was one of my first videos and it was
really bad hi Severus hello Scottie and
um I kind of said like it doesn't matter
what drug you're on it could be alcohol
it could be cocaine it could be heroin
could be in vitamins whatever it is it
could be cannabis that rock is a drug
and if you are taking that like you
being addicted to it and I said cannabis
is addictive and I stand by that the
amount of people I get say by cannabis
isn't addictive you take I get I get all
kinds of abuse on that video is quite
funny but I know a guy who was addicted
to other drugs but he's also he couldn't
stop smoking weed and he would go to
meetings like 12-step meetings to give
up the drugs but he couldn't stop weed
and here's the thing he died about a
year ago
but he could get into recovery because
he couldn't stop smoking weed and it
wasn't the weed that killed him but
because he couldn't stop taking that it
led on to other things I've met other
people that are like in their 60s that
have serious psychological issue so for
me I stand by that I think you can be
addicted to them and like I have proof
of that I have like when I did rehab
people saying that's the one thing I can
not stop but then you some people say
not addictive but I just say well tell
that to the person who's addicted to it
less Arianna thank you that's very sweet
in my onesie with like my hair is a bit
of me okay I love how you guys are all
so supportive to each other as well and
I think that's like I think this is
where BPD tribe will be able so helpful
is that we can all support each other in
the Q&A so I want you guys answering the
questions you guys asked in the
questions and all giving our different
perspectives because it works 12-step
meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous
Narcotics Anonymous hundreds and
thousands of people get cleaned through
this and it is one addict helping
another our Corey's just messaged me
that's the borderline life and what's up
one addict help you another or one
alcoholic help you another and I think
we can do this air and BPD can help
another and the thing is the wonderful
thing is it's not just the person being
helped that's helped but also the person
that's doing the helping is helping them
sell
like doing my channel and talking and
sharing about my experience with you
guys helps me so much like you guys have
no idea how much you help me literally
thank you so much I feel like I've
missed something yes II III I'm still on
medication I'm on quetiapine 200
milligrams and I'm uncertainly in 200
milligram quetiapine is an
anti-psychotic that really helps with
like my intrusive thoughts and paranoia
and anxiety actually and searching an
antidepressant I don't believe I'll be
on them forever I have come off them
before obviously in the pregnancy I went
a bit cool it wit and I need you to go
back on them but I don't believe there
forever but I'm also in no rush I think
why would I rush it if it's easing my
symptoms and keeping me okay why would I
stop that but no medications actually
treat BPD they can treat some of the
symptoms so if you suffer anxiety or
depression but not the actual BPD for
that we need skills you've you've been
diagnosed one before yell quiet BPD is
it can just go undiagnosed stand up and
do a dance it's live you're having a
laugh oh my god you let my which cattle
out nowhere hey I've got good time tail
on this onesie yeah often Mir it's those
that really close isn't it that can only
those close
closest that recognizing there's
sometimes even friends don't realize if
it's quiet self-harm besides cutting
that's all I know
self-harm can come in many forms and
like for some people might say well
using drugs there's a former self-harm
but I would say using drugs and alcohol
would fall under the impulsive
self-destructive behavior self-harm
itself self-harm is where you
intentionally want to hurt yourself but
you don't want to die you do not intend
to die it's different from the suicidal
behavior in in that sense and it can
literally come there's a scale isn't
there so it there can be like the worst
I've seen people I remember the first
time I was on a mental health ward and
it was my first night there and a girl
came out and she was in shorts and I've
never seen by it self harm scars like
like it over her whole body so you can
get like one extreme but then you can
get though it's smaller like just
pulling hairs out the head individually
or pinching the skin or then it could be
maybe burn there are so many is
basically anything that is harms causing
harm to yourself let me see is your
disorder genetic they say it is partly
biological any genetic and partly
environmental there's a really good
quote that um I put in my book actually
it's not microbe but it is in the book
and it is like biology loads the gun
environment pulls the trigger so I think
that's why some people might be
predisposed to getting it but they might
have an environment that doesn't cause
it from out
scout picked Jane oh yes he doesn't name
for that um trickle of mania I believe
it is that's what I did I'd pick and
that time even now if I mother thing I
can start doing that and then I'll
realize what I'm doing and I would
literally pick my head till it bled I
would also like squeeze my skin and I
used to like I mean I get sports now but
in my 20s I never did I have really
clear skin but I would literally pick it
and I'd wake up the next day with just
red marks all over my face from picking
how do I stop feeling lonely even when
I'm with friends I would say that's that
sounds like depression because I could
be in a room full of friends like that
and feel so alone and I would say that's
definitely depression if we could if
maybe talk to a friend
honestly the power of just talking and
saying how you're feeling is is really
powerful but so often we just keep it
quiet and suffer in silence
obviously there's medication that can
help with depression as well and just
know that this feeling won't last
forever I know at the time it feels like
it will but it way
it's her I realize that I might display
all nine trades
yeah I would definitely go back and say
I want to be reassessed and explaining
reasons and just tell them I think there
is a delay I think Mike it's me that is
the delay because I'm so far behind on
the comments I love Corey's videos as
well yeah it's me Mike is the delay is
me because I'm so far behind because I
don't want to miss any hockey thing
comments madam let me see if I can
quickly thank you I'll look at you guys
all chatting with each other that is so
cool I got the comments are coming
there's so many okay validation isn't
amazing and it's important
hi mom
Esther Rooney's popped up hello darling
just getting Amelia Daisy to bed that's
my eldest what time is it it's a very
late night for her mother
I love spirituality the ultimate
illumination and
12:00 a.m. and Barcelona and yeah I love
spirituality I think you can kind of
make it what you want it to be I believe
we are more than just a body and I
suppose that's the spirit side as for
what else is out there I don't know I
don't have the answers I don't say no
nothing exists or everything exists
because I just don't have the answers
but I kind of think just be nice just
don't be horrible that's it be nice
treat people how we want to be treated
check out behavior from time to time if
we think we've been horrible to someone
pologize say sorry that's it for a five
in Arizona that's where my publisher is
in Arizona in Scottsdale I've been to
Arizona as well I went to Phoenix
Glendale in Arizona for a month and it
was amazing hello mommy my daughter's
hello mommy this is Amelia Daisy toot is
just putting me to bed good night mommy
love you I love you very much sweetheart
sweet dreams that's Amelia Daisy she's
nine she's my princess my sweet little
girl coming on teenager northern island
here
my dad's southern island he lives -
Dublin Haiti that's where my dad is
in Finglas I am spent a lot of my
childhood in scary's in County Dublin
which is on the coast and all my
holidays like eight weeks in the summer
I just loved there
it hello from Boston should I wait for
an apology from a friend or should I go
hot pay well it depends if they are
doing something towards their recovery
um if they know they have BPD if they've
done something wrong hopefully they will
recover
yeah like recovery allows us to start
recognizing our behaviors recognizing
when we've done something we shouldn't
and hopefully become strong enough that
we get to a place where we we can
apologize to someone I have cousins in
bar burgundy mad I used to always get
scared walking under the lady stairs I
know Bob Regan that's my mum mum I think
you're getting me me to sleep guys I
think I'm gonna leave it there because
it's nearly an hour and a half I have
chatted for so long I think I've
answered all the questions but I promise
you I'm gonna start live streaming more
thank you world it is indeed a small
world and that yeah I am going to leave
that live stream there today but like I
said I promise I will be back doing more
catching up answering your questions
live okay ever say quickly danger what
you do if you'll get some silent
treatment
I hated the silent treatment that's
passive aggression isn't it and I never
knew that but it is just being passive
aggressive it's just um yeah it's not
nice if someone absolutely freezes to
sweet you yeah I suppose you there's
nothing you can't force them hopefully
along the way they realized that they've
been a bit of a
whereby you know right
nearly book time you guys good night I
love you all thank you all so much for
watching
yeah and I will hopefully livestream in
the next couple of days so
mwah bye guys
night sweetheart
me me thing night mommy night I'm gonna
phone you now me me love you
bye guys