Sorry Guys – this video was supposed to be up on Friday but I’ve had problems with my laptop! All sorted now (thanks to my amazing Step-Dad!) xxx
hi guys happy Friday I got a video request it was only yesterday or today and usually it takes me a couple of weeks to get round to doing them because I've got my list but I saw this request and I was like I have to do that today and because it is something that I thought about months and months ago and I forgot basically some guy messaged and he said a good idea for a video would be to write 10 things that recovery has given me and I love that idea because recovery has given me so much and I'm aware that in my last video and a bit of a moan up because obviously even when you're in recovery there can be some time hard times I'm pregnant at the moment my hormones like no place so yeah I wanted to do a more positive one because like I just said recovery has given me so much I have actually written it all down because I could have just gone on and on and on um I had to narrow it down sort of written ten things so let's get started number one is enjoying time with my children when I was really suffering with my mental health when I was using drugs when I was drinking daily I was there physically I take my kids to the park I read to them but emotionally and mentally I just wasn't there I was really detached it sounds really awful but it was like they would they got in the way of my using and my drinking and that's a really shameful thing to say but that that's how it is and unless you've been in the grips of an addiction it's kind of hard to understand I mean I've always loved my children I adored them I would like to have thought I'd do anything for them but I couldn't stop using and when I was having to read to them it was annoying me because I just wanted to use my drugs when I have to take them to the park that annoyed me because I just wanted to go and use my trucks like and it was all-consuming and I didn't understand it kind of at the time and it's not until you coming to recovery that all of a sudden it's the little things I can take my kids to the park now and sit and watch them running around like little animals but really enjoy it and watch their smiley happy faces and have patience not be thinking and go I need to phone the dealer I need to you know I can actually just see it and just enjoy them I love bedtimes it's like one of my favorite times I get to lion read to them all and cuddle them and before again it was just a pain everything everything annoyed me and it's not like that today I am there for my children emotionally as well as physically I am there pretty boy I am actually present for them and and it's amazing it's absolutely amazing so that's my number one number two recovery or gave me confidence gave build my self-esteem before I was so like self-loathing I hated myself I hated not just like everything about myself I thought everyone else hated me and I was so busy thinking they think this they think that and I really cared what everyone thought of me I wanted everyone to like me and then I came into recovery and I've built my self-esteem and today I don't need everyone to like me I know that's not realistic not everyone is going to like everyone and and that's okay I can live with that today if someone doesn't like me okay they don't let's do I don't think Oh I must be a bad person I'm this I'm that because I know I do the best I can and I try to be a good person but no I'm not everyone will like me that's okay I can live with that today that does not eat me up today and I suppose that's what I can do these videos because there would have been a time I would have been so paranoid and if I get like as I do get some thumbs down my videos that would have killed me before I'd have been like someone gave me a thumbs down someone out there doesn't like me I've had some horrid messages but I can live with it today because I'm confident enough and I'm happy enough in myself I don't think I'm perfect I don't think anyone's perfect and but we can't please everyone and I do the bit like I said I do the best and so I'm happy to do my videos and if someone wants to give me a thumbs down that's up to them that's ok I can live with that number 3 laughter joy happiness without the need for drink and drugs because there was a time I couldn't laugh without being drunk I didn't think I could enjoy life without using drugs when I wasn't using drugs and completely out of it I was just down I didn't laugh I wasn't full of joy I wasn't happy I was like miserable and it was I suppose the first time I went into rehab when I went in there and I made a small group of friends and we would literally there I have a friend called Ben I need to do a video about bear naturally because he was my little Cody we've became quite close em not like in a relationship or anything like that if you ask me would be like help me but we became really good friends and yeah me and them would sit there and we could laugh so hard and I didn't ever think that was possible without drinking drugs and here I was clean and sober laughing so hard I was nearly wetting myself and it was just an amazing feeling and it was the first time that I realized like oh I can actually have fun and smile without having a substance in me and that that was a really nice feeling number four recovery gave my mind back what I mean by that is my mind it was I I had no control over it it was taken over with intrusive thoughts negative thoughts about myself constantly putting myself down that negative self-talk paranoia whereas people laughing at me people are saying these people that saying that worry what's gonna happen tomorrow what's gonna happen in a week from now what's gonna happen next year constantly worrying about every little thing guilt and shame about my past and it was literally just like this chattering all these little voices in my head constantly and I couldn't escape it and those times I just wanted to like let tear my hair and scream just shut up and I couldn't I just couldn't quieten those voices and it it may got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night because I'd be lying there just thinking thinking thinking and I just wanted quiet and recovery gave me that and that was huge and I'm not saying I don't get little voices pop up now and again and my mind is completely quiet the time but I've got skills in place now that I can take back control and start quiet in my mind so once those voices go I can get shut up I that make sense and that was something I just couldn't do before yeah so that was huge for me I've got a lot of acceptance around things like regarding the worry constantly worrying out the future and now I kind of realize I'm you know I I can't control every situation I can't control people I am powerless over all things and I learnt to accept that and just live my life without worrying now some things are out of my control there's nothing I can do if it's good something bad is gonna happen I'll just deal with it as it happens but I'm not gonna constantly worry about what if this what if that was this say yes that was my number four did I say four right number five true friendships all I have true friendships today I've made the most amazing friends since coming into recovery I really struggled with female friendships anyway because I've said before I got bullied at Galco but I have female friends that I trust and I truly love them not just that I have got some female friends from my past and I learned who my friends were when I came into recovery because there were so many of my close little circle that I thought would stand by me and be there for me and I went away I went into rehab I never heard from those girls again this is like if so but there were a couple there stayed in contact and showed they were my true friends and that was really nice I also learned that I used to think I had all these people around me but you know what they were just like acquaintances that we used together or we drank together and that was it and so yeah now today I have very few friends like close friends I can count them on one hand but I'd much rather that quality over quantity definitely right number six my family I got my family my family today don't walk around on eggshells my mum doesn't feel she has to question me constantly about we're off being what I've been doing - that used to drive me nuts but she only did it because she cared my family trusts me today something they never did and it's kinda like I feel normal I never used to feel normal I'd go round there and I'd know I'd get questions and I'll get defensive and no one trusted me and I'd get defensive and I just don't have that today I can go round there and actually just be relaxed be happy and I've rebuilt those relationships which is absolutely amazing [Music] number seven strength I never felt like I was a very strong person I knew there were many times I attempted suicide just because I just had enough but somehow I found recovery and I started working at it and I got through and I'm a completely different person to who I was and I feel like I'm so emotionally strong today I can hope without say more things probably than say you put your average person who's never had a mental health illness and because I think it come as right shocks over him but I've literally I've been to hell and back and I've got through it and today yeah I feel really emotionally strong I'm not saying I don't cry I'm not saying like things don't upset me but I know I can get through it I know I can cope it will not bring me down and that's a lovely feeling because I used to feel so weak basically number eight commitment I was never committed to anything I'd get job but walk out I'd start hobby I'd quit I would go on a new diet I would quit during the gym mod quit I was a quitter basically I yeah like I said I couldn't hold down a job I would often find excuses to leave like this girl didn't like me or this person didn't like me or yet whatever excuse or I would sabotage it so I got that and since I've come into recovery I found I've got commitment I mean I I started uploading my videos I put my first one on not last month Beth November before and even I thought are you gonna stick at this are you gonna keep Reggie uploading videos are you going to regularly try and miss it to people back and I think I surprised even myself that I'm still here today and I'm still making these videos and i'm still tryna message you guys and it's such a nice feeling this is something I'm really passionate about and I enjoy I like interacting with you guys I like messaging I like hearing from you and being able to kind talk to you not just like my videos and my website but I started going to the gym and whereas before I used to quit I carried on I mean I haven't been for awhile but I am freshman and I'm hoping that I'll get back into it but I didn't lay like I could be committed to it without it becoming an obsession whereas before we obsessed obsessed obsessed go there constantly and then just quit one day and just never go again for years so yeah having commitment things really nice number nine healthy relationship with my partner now my relationship isn't perfect we can have an argument what couples don't but I can be intimate today and I used to think intimate was like sex and in rehab my counselor said knows intimacy into me you see into me you see where is you're not putting on the front you're actually letting someone in and showing them who you truly are and I like to think I'd do that in my relationship today I can talk to my partner we have communication we have intimacy we have trust and it's something that has been built it didn't happen straight away I know like in my last video I explained I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment but I mean I can i phone like phone my partner so I'm feeling really insecure and I told him everything how I felt and he's like okay okay and I would sit and he'll listen to me reassure me and let me know that he loves me and and it's nice it's not me and you're gonna do this and him getting defensive because the way I communicate to him now I'm not I can't say look this is how I feel and then we can talk to each other about it and that's something I never had before because I just constantly go out blame blame blame you did this you made me feel like this and I'm not that person today and it's nice having that healthy relationship yes like I said we can route but it doesn't get to the point where I feel I need to get violent I need to stalk him I need to soak with him or any of that we can have our Rao both calm down come back and talk about it and then we're fine so yeah and number 10 my independence I fell recovery helped me grow up motion early I always felt like a child that was dependent on everyone I always felt I needed a man or a needed my mom and I couldn't do anything on my own and I came into recovery and I didn't don't know y'all that can't pinpoint when it happened over time I must have just started maturing there when my partner moved out that was like the worst case scenario for me at the time because I thought I'd never cope looking back now it's one of the best things that happened because it threw me in the deep end I realize actually I can cope I can cope well and me and my partner are gonna be moving back in together hopefully in January but it's not because I feel I need to live with him it's because I want to I don't feel I need anyone really it's nice to have someone there and it's nice to be able to support each other I'm sure I did the thing in treatment out she's saying like the ideal you think it's independent father needed dependent I think it's called interdependence where you can rely on other people pull to a certain extent that you have your independence as well and I am very much like that now it's not like I don't need anyone I want because of course I need those relationships and there's certain things I do but I am only like a child anyway gasps I think that now please believe me but yeah I do my fold like a collapse and it was amazing and I just always felt like a child trapped in an adult's body I know I've done a video on that before but yeah so yet independence so those are the things that recovery has given me it's been amazing obviously recently I've been struggling a bit but you know I'm not gonna let this bring me down because I've been in a lot worse place and I've got through it and I know I'm gonna be okay I just have to fight a bit harder at the moment and that's fine because I can do it and strap hmm I'm a fighter so and you guys are to say yes I'll finish it there have a lovely weekend nah bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.