Sorry Guys – this video was supposed to be up on Friday but I’ve had problems with my laptop! All sorted now (thanks to my amazing Step-Dad!) xxx

hi guys happy Friday I got a video
request it was only yesterday or today
and usually it takes me a couple of
weeks to get round to doing them because
I've got my list but I saw this request
and I was like I have to do that today
and because it is something that I
thought about months and months ago and
I forgot basically some guy messaged and
he said a good idea for a video would be
to write 10 things that recovery has
given me and I love that idea because
recovery has given me so much and I'm
aware that in my last video and a bit of
a moan up because obviously even when
you're in recovery there can be some
time hard times I'm pregnant at the
moment my hormones like no place so yeah
I wanted to do a more positive one
because like I just said recovery has
given me so much I have actually written
it all down because I could have just
gone on and on and on um I had to narrow
it down sort of written ten things so
let's get started number one is enjoying
time with my children when I was really
suffering with my mental health when I
was using drugs when I was drinking
daily I was there physically I take my
kids to the park I read to them but
emotionally and mentally I just wasn't
I was really detached it sounds really
awful but it was like they would they
got in the way of my using and my
drinking and that's a really shameful
thing to say but that that's how it is
and unless you've been in the grips of
an addiction it's kind of hard to
understand I mean I've always loved my
children I adored them I would like to
have thought I'd do anything for them
but I couldn't stop using and when I was
having to read to them it was annoying
me because I just wanted to use my
drugs when I have to take them to the
park that annoyed me because I just
wanted to go and use my trucks like and
it was all-consuming and I didn't
understand it kind of at the time and
it's not until you coming to recovery
that all of a sudden it's the little
things I can take my kids to the park
now and sit and watch them running
around like little animals but really
enjoy it and watch their smiley happy
faces and have patience not be thinking
and go I need to phone the dealer I need
to you know I can actually just see it
and just enjoy them
I love bedtimes it's like one of my
favorite times I get to lion read to
them all and cuddle them and before
again it was just a pain everything
everything annoyed me and it's not like
that today I am there for my children
emotionally as well as physically I am
there pretty boy I am actually present
for them and and it's amazing it's
absolutely amazing so that's my number
one number two recovery or gave me
confidence gave build my self-esteem
before I was so like self-loathing I
hated myself I hated not just like
everything about myself I thought
everyone else hated me and I was so busy
thinking they think this they think that
and I really cared what everyone thought
of me I wanted everyone to like me and
then I came into recovery and I've built
my self-esteem and today I don't need
everyone to like me I know that's not
realistic not everyone is going to like
everyone and and that's okay I can live
with that today if someone doesn't like
me okay they don't
let's do I don't think Oh I must be a
bad person I'm this I'm that because I
know I do the best I can and I try to be
a good person but no I'm not everyone
will like me that's okay I can live with
that today that does not eat me up today
and I suppose that's what I can do these
videos because there would have been a
time I would have been so paranoid and
if I get like as I do get some thumbs
down my videos that would have killed me
before I'd have been like someone gave
me a thumbs down someone out there
doesn't like me
I've had some horrid messages but I can
live with it today because I'm confident
enough and I'm happy enough in myself I
don't think I'm perfect I don't think
anyone's perfect and but we can't please
everyone and I do the bit like I said I
do the best and so I'm happy to do my
videos and if someone wants to give me a
thumbs down that's up to them that's ok
I can live with that
number 3 laughter joy happiness without
the need for drink and drugs because
there was a time I couldn't laugh
without being drunk I didn't think I
could enjoy life without using drugs
when I wasn't using drugs and completely
out of it I was just down I didn't laugh
I wasn't full of joy I wasn't happy I
was like miserable and it was I suppose
the first time I went into rehab when I
went in there and I made a small group
of friends and we would literally there
I have a friend called Ben I need to do
a video about bear naturally because he
was my little Cody we've became quite
close em not like
in a relationship or anything like that
if you ask me would be like help me but
we became really good friends and yeah
me and them would sit there and we could
laugh so hard and I didn't ever think
that was possible without drinking drugs
and here I was clean and sober laughing
so hard I was nearly wetting myself and
it was just an amazing feeling and it
was the first time that I realized like
oh I can actually have fun and smile
without having a substance in me and
that that was a really nice feeling
number four
recovery gave my mind back what I mean
by that is my mind it was I I had no
control over it it was taken over with
intrusive thoughts negative thoughts
about myself constantly putting myself
down that negative self-talk paranoia
whereas people laughing at me people are
saying these people that saying that
worry what's gonna happen tomorrow
what's gonna happen in a week from now
what's gonna happen next year constantly
worrying about every little thing
guilt and shame about my past and it was
literally just like this chattering all
these little voices in my head
constantly and I couldn't escape it and
those times I just wanted to like let
tear my hair and scream just shut up and
I couldn't I just couldn't quieten those
voices and it it may got to the point
where I couldn't sleep at night because
I'd be lying there just thinking
thinking thinking and I just wanted
quiet and recovery gave me that and that
was huge and I'm not saying I don't get
little voices pop up now and again and
my mind is completely quiet
the time but I've got skills in place
now that I can take back control and
start quiet in my mind so once those
voices go I can get shut up
I that make sense and that was something
I just couldn't do before
yeah so that was huge for me I've got a
lot of acceptance around things like
regarding the worry constantly worrying
out the future and now I kind of realize
I'm you know I I can't control every
situation I can't control people I am
powerless over all things and I learnt
to accept that and just live my life
without worrying now some things are out
of my control there's nothing I can do
if it's good something bad is gonna
I'll just deal with it as it happens but
I'm not gonna constantly worry about
what if this what if that was this say
yes that was my number four did I say
four right number five true friendships
all I have true friendships today I've
made the most amazing friends since
coming into recovery I really struggled
with female friendships anyway because
I've said before I got bullied at Galco
but I have female friends that I trust
and I truly love them not just that I
have got some female friends from my
past and I learned who my friends were
when I came into recovery because there
were so many of my close little circle
that I thought would stand by me and be
there for me and I went away I went into
rehab I never heard from those girls
again this is like if so
but there were a couple there stayed in
contact and showed they were my true
friends and that was really nice I also
learned that I used to think I had all
these people around me but you know what
they were just like acquaintances that
we used together or we drank together
and that was it and so yeah now today
I have very few friends like close
friends I can count them on one hand but
I'd much rather that quality over
definitely right number six my family I
got my family my family today don't walk
around on eggshells my mum doesn't feel
she has to question me constantly about
we're off being what I've been doing -
that used to drive me nuts but she only
did it because she cared my family
trusts me
today something they never did and it's
kinda like I feel normal
I never used to feel normal I'd go round
there and I'd know I'd get questions and
I'll get defensive and no one trusted me
and I'd get defensive and I just don't
have that today I can go round there and
actually just be relaxed be happy and
I've rebuilt those relationships which
is absolutely amazing
number seven strength I never felt like
I was a very strong person I knew there
were many times I attempted suicide just
because I just had enough but somehow I
found recovery and I started working at
it and I got through and I'm a
completely different person to who I was
and I feel like I'm so emotionally
strong today I can hope
without say more things probably than
say you put your average person who's
never had a mental health illness and
because I think it come as right shocks
over him but I've literally I've been to
hell and back and I've got through it
and today yeah I feel really emotionally
strong I'm not saying I don't cry I'm
not saying like things don't upset me
but I know I can get through it I know I
can cope it will not bring me down and
that's a lovely feeling because I used
to feel so weak basically number eight
I was never committed to anything I'd
get job but walk out
I'd start hobby I'd quit I would go on a
new diet I would quit during the gym mod
quit I was a quitter
basically I yeah like I said I couldn't
hold down a job I would often find
excuses to leave like this girl didn't
like me or this person didn't like me or
yet whatever excuse or I would sabotage
it so I got that and since I've come
into recovery I found
I've got commitment I mean I I started
uploading my videos I put my first one
on not last month Beth November before
and even I thought are you gonna stick
at this are you gonna keep Reggie
uploading videos are you going to
regularly try and miss it to people back
and I think I surprised even myself that
I'm still here today and I'm still
making these videos and i'm still tryna
message you guys and it's such a nice
feeling this is something I'm really
passionate about and I enjoy I like
interacting with you guys I like
messaging I like hearing from you and
being able to kind talk to you
not just like my videos and my website
but I started going to the gym and
whereas before I used to quit I carried
on I mean I haven't been for awhile but
I am freshman and I'm hoping that I'll
get back into it but I didn't lay like I
could be committed to it without it
becoming an obsession whereas before we
obsessed obsessed obsessed go there
constantly and then just quit one day
and just never go again for years so
yeah having commitment things really
nice number nine healthy relationship
with my partner now my relationship
isn't perfect we can have an argument
what couples don't but I can be intimate
today and I used to think intimate was
like sex and in rehab my counselor said
knows intimacy into me you see into me
you see where is you're not putting on
the front you're actually letting
someone in and showing them who you
truly are and I like to think I'd do
that in my relationship today I can talk
to my partner we have communication we
have intimacy we have trust and it's
something that has been built it didn't
happen straight away I know like in my
last video I explained I'm feeling a bit
insecure at the moment but I mean I can
i phone like phone my partner so I'm
feeling really insecure and I told him
everything how I felt
and he's like okay okay and I would sit
and he'll listen to me
reassure me and let me know that he
loves me and and it's nice it's not me
and you're gonna do this and him getting
defensive because the way I communicate
to him now I'm not
I can't say look this is how I feel and
then we can talk to each other about it
and that's something I never had before
because I just constantly go out blame
blame blame you did this you made me
feel like this and I'm not that person
today and it's nice having that healthy
relationship yes like I said we can
route but it doesn't get to the point
where I feel I need to get violent I
need to stalk him I need to soak with
him or any of that we can have our Rao
both calm down come back and talk about
it and then we're fine
so yeah and number 10 my independence I
fell recovery helped me grow up motion
early I always felt like a child that
was dependent on everyone I always felt
I needed a man or a needed my mom and I
couldn't do anything on my own
and I came into recovery and I didn't
don't know y'all that can't pinpoint
when it happened over time I must have
just started maturing there when my
partner moved out that was like the
worst case scenario for me at the time
because I thought I'd never cope looking
back now it's one of the best things
that happened because it threw me in the
deep end I realize actually I can cope I
can cope well and me and my partner are
gonna be moving back in together
hopefully in January but it's not
because I feel I need to live with him
it's because I want to I don't feel I
need anyone really it's nice to have
someone there and it's nice to be able
to support each other I'm sure I did the
thing in treatment out she's saying like
the ideal you think it's independent
father needed dependent I think it's
called interdependence where you can
rely on other people pull to a certain
extent that you have your independence
as well and I am very much like that
now it's not like I don't need anyone I
want because of course I need those
relationships and there's certain things
I do but I am only like a child anyway
gasps I think that now please believe me
but yeah I do my fold like a collapse
and it was amazing and I just always
felt like a child trapped in an adult's
body I know I've done a video on that
before but yeah so yet independence so
those are the things that recovery has
given me it's been amazing obviously
recently I've been struggling a bit but
you know I'm not gonna let this bring me
down because I've been in a lot worse
place and I've got through it and I know
I'm gonna be okay I just have to fight a
bit harder at the moment and that's fine
because I can do it and strap hmm I'm a
fighter so and you guys are to say yes
I'll finish it there have a lovely
weekend nah bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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