If you are in a relationship with someone who has the same disorder as yourself it is going to be a difficult relationship – especially to start with.  I give you some tips on how to make it work.

hi my lovelies today I'm doing a video
request but I've gone through all my
messages and I haven't written down who
asked me and I can't find it so I'm
really sorry because I don't get to say
hi but you know who you are and
basically the request was what if you
have BPD and your partner has BPD and
whilst looking through my messages
actually I had one from South High safe
and so asked about dealing with a parent
who has BPD when you have BPD so I'm
gonna kind of include that in this
because it's a loved one with borderline
when you have borderline but I'm also
going to include in this video if one
person just say take borderline out of
the equation and one partner suffers
with addiction and the other partner
suffers with addiction because although
obviously borderline and addiction are
different a lot of people with
borderline also suffer with addiction
both are mental disorders mental health
issues and both include recovery
although recovery for each is different
oh I'm kind of all over the place but
just go with me guys in case you hear
typing over there there's my partner say
hi can't work what you working really
you know what you're working right so
yeah if you're here typing or really bad
singing you're welcome um right say I
can talk for this not because my
partner's borderline because he's not
but he suffers suffered er addiction
myself the addiction and
and so I've kind of been through that
side I haven't been out with someone
else with borderline but I think it's
very similar advice to either to Alex to
borderlines so let's go with it right
first of all I would like to say if you
both have the same disorder chances are
your relationship is gonna be more
difficult than your average relationship
where no mental health issues are
involved would you agree with me yes
right so it's gonna be more difficult
because you both have your issues why is
my that's my computer that's true so
it's going to be more difficult when
there are issues involved we know with
borderline we have a fear of abandonment
which can cause all kinds of problems in
our relationship let alone if both of
you have fear of abandonment and I'll
also point out in a lot of cases where
two people have disorders you often find
codependency is going on but they were
trying to fix each other rather than
focusing on themselves both feeling like
they their lives wouldn't be complete
without the other person etc so it is
going to be more difficult it is it's
going to be a rollercoaster the risk
that we have for example myself and
Aaron if especially in early recovery
when you're both suffering with
one of you relapse is your chance are
you both going to relapse with
borderline personality disorder it's
very similar in the fact that you can
enable each other if one reacts a
certain way it's kind of okay for the
other to react a certain way and this is
a vicious cycle that will go round and
round and round but it is not all doom
and gloom is it no no what did I say
what did I just you don't even know I
said bring with me basically we've been
together for years I've completely
forgot you've made me lose my yeah you
dancing for the camera because I will
put on you um basically when you first
get with someone if like we met in
treatment we were friends in treatment
and you can become friends with someone
and the same with two beautiful
borderline you realize well we've got
the same thing you've got some common
ground you feel like you get each other
and you kind of just go with it and then
the chaos stops but that's where I was
this night it's not doom and gloom I've
come back to the doom and gloom it is
not all doom and gloom but here this
what I'm going to say now is what can
prevent it from being doom and gloom and
that is recovery is so important for
addiction for borderline but you cannot
do each other's recovery it's very easy
to think we're gonna recover together
we're gonna do it together this is what
myself and Aaron thought we would do it
together it does not work you in the end
you start looking at each other's
recovery rather than your own and this
is what is so important recovery is
possible but you have to focus on your
own recovery and only your own recovery
now as hell from now and our recoveries
kind of took completely different
directions we both in a recovery but the
route what your recovery is not bad mine
is better anyway and it just took
completely different paths and that is
okay but when we we were friend to
treatment go out treat my own research
I'm doing 12-step meetings together it
was wonderful we're doing trust at
meetings together and then I kind of
started coming away from the 12-step
meetings and doing different my own
recovery he started doing air and so
then we'd almost pick Fault in each
other like well you're not doing it my
way so your ways wrong we both felt our
own way was right when that's just not
the case
because we all go at different speeds
we're just completely different and no
two recoveries are going to be the same
and what might work for you might not
work for your partner and the other way
around so it is more difficult when you
are with someone who has the same issues
the good points are that yes you kind of
have an understanding of each other of
it yeah
and that's kind of what draws you
together the similarities but the
similarities can then cause friction and
chaos in your relationship but although
you have similarities you have to keep
recovery separate you have to do you've
got to realize that you cannot fix your
partner your partner cannot fix you it's
only you that can do it and it is doable
it is doable recovery is possible and
you can go on and have a wonderful
relationship I mean we're not there yet
are we
we're not there yet are we cameras on
you but um it's gonna it takes time it
just takes time and you just going to
start getting into recovery and it can
still be an emotional rollercoaster but
then any person who might not have
mental health issues who is with either
someone with borderline or with someone
in addiction their relationships very
different as well and very difficult as
well but for different reasons I've
completely lost
yes you should be a little bit a little
bit gutted
um I thought I had baby yeah no I'm not
I'm just I'm putting it out I'm done
because you might run off and I won't be
able to get you on camera again but Adam
yeah guys that is the key thing I would
say to don't think are we going to go
into this recovery together because yeah
you might be able to support each other
but often I think when you're trying to
support the other person they think
you're patronizing when you say are you
doing your stuff and they're like no are
you doing your stuff and that can cause
you to clash so if you're both doing
recovery say you're worth doing DBT
fantastic both doing DVD but just don't
do it together don't start saying all
shall I look at your work and you look
at my work and we'll discuss but don't
do that keep it very separate so you
mentioned dealing with a BPD parent
again that is so hard because it depends
if you're on the same page if one of you
is in recovery and one of you is not
that's very difficult if you're both in
you can't fix each other but you do
understand each other
and if just say so few just say you're
in recovery and actually I have a
feeling from your message you said you
couldn't get DBT maybe that's someone
else for you but I'm just say you're in
recovery and your mom or your dad isn't
and the further in recovery you get the
more you'll start noticing traits you're
more often not start noticing your
parents traits and you can then react
accordingly if you see they're behaving
in a certain way you can just leave for
a bit give them some space and I mean
I've done videos for family members of
people with borderline and you are a
family member of someone with borderline
it just happened you also have
borderline but I mean it might be worth
checking out because you might find some
of the things like setting boundaries
are that quite helpful and so it's not
to be like patrin I think to a parent
maybe say to a parent look you read this
as you watch this as well and they can
put the boundaries in place for you so
if one of you is say kicking off
starting an argument you can both have
boundaries for that and know what to do
in that situation and I'm actually the
same thing I suppose goes if the
partners addicts borderlines
doesn't matter have boundaries there's
nothing wrong with setting boundaries
and if you're kind of in this together
you can sit down and say right these are
our boundaries while you're in a good
mood don't do it in an argument for
goodness sake but say right let's have
some boundaries so if I start screaming
in there all right the other ones going
to walk away but it doesn't mean I don't
love you it just means we're just gonna
have some time out and if you both agree
on it together then when that happens
you've kind of talked it through
beforehand so it won't come as like
they're leaving me fear of abandonment
but yeah like I said you can make the
relationship work it can work
I think it's tougher in the beginning if
say you've both just been diagnosed or
you've just got out of rehab or you know
it's the very early stages and this is
when you're men
health is at its most vulnerable
basically and it's going to be a lot
more difficult and when you're feeling
like this you are going to want to
pulling on to someone and think they can
save you but you've just got to know
that they can't only you can save you so
I'm going to leave that video there
because I would I'm afraid is Darrin say
bye I'll let you said guys along meet
you see guys who like the guys bye guys
good bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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