hi guys I'm gonna do a video on well
it's on bulimia our lovely lady Clara
asked me this um and
it's regarding bulimia but it can pretty
much go towards anyone with borderline
personality disorder mental health
issues self-esteem issues and she asked
if I ever suffer Agra phobia we're to
the point I felt so ugly that wouldn't
go out and I didn't want to see anyone
gonna have any friends and the answer is
yeah for a long long time I I don't know
if it was linked to the bulimia or if it
was linked to the borderline or just a
slight severe anxiety but I did get to
the point that I couldn't leave the
house for a long time like the only time
I would I'd literally get in the car
drive to my mum's and that was there and
then I had to come home I couldn't go
out to the park with the children I
couldn't go to shops I just didn't want
to see anyone I cut all my friends out I
didn't want to talk to anyone and I
never felt good enough I was paranoid
about the way I looked I was paranoid
people laughing at me or talking about
me and it just got so bad that I found I
started to feel safe when I was indoors
I knew it wasn't healthy because
obviously I had two children at this
point and it would have been lovely for
them to have their mum that took them
down the park and I just couldn't do it
I would sometimes wear loads and loads
and loads loads of makeup like wearing a
mask to hide who I was and sometimes in
the beginning that worked and would give
me a false sense of confidence and I
felt I could face people because I
almost didn't feel like I was me but in
the end even that I just didn't want to
I didn't want to look at myself in the
mirror I didn't want to do my makeup I
stopped wearing makeup I started living
in tracksuit bottoms and baggy t-shirts
I felt fat not huge but I wasn't because
I was a size 6 but I thought I don't
know what I thought I thought it was
lying or something so I thought I was a
lot bigger than I was and I spit I cried
a lot in those days I did cry a lot
I don't really cry that much today but
I'm in a much better place today where I
can go out I can go out with makeup on
but not just to hide behind if that
makes sense just because I enjoy putting
on I found it quite therapeutic putting
makeup on but I'm I'm also comfortable
in my skin that I can go out without
makeup on today probably scare all the
neighbors but um there was a time I
couldn't do that I literally could not
have gone out without makeup on even if
I just had to pop to the local shop it
just wasn't happening and like I said it
then got to the point that it got so bad
that I just really got up
I I say I overcame this problem but I
kinda didn't it was a big fat cheat and
it was the worst thing that I could have
done I started drinking because I
realized I didn't have the confidence to
take my kids to the park and I felt so
bad for them that I was like I need
statement to the park and I realized
having a little bit of alcohol gave me
this false confidence and I could have
that drink and I could go to a park
which is like the worst thing but yes
that's what I started doing but
obviously it doesn't it for me anyway it
wasn't just that one drink then I'd have
another and another and another and soon
I had a full-blown drink problem and
then with the drink soon enough the
drugs came as well and it kind that
carried on that spiral carried on until
I went into rehab
and I was able to fight those demons so
I didn't actually just overcome it the
Agra phobia was staying in because I
literally just substituted one problem
for a completely other problem different
problem and it wasn't until I got clean
and sober and well actually when I got
clean and savor and treatment I was
worse than ever like their mouth and
makeup the high heels the little mini
skirts like and I never realized I was
wearing moths just because I couldn't be
around people and it was the people in
rehab the lady that owned actually
banned me from wearing makeup and heels
and it was the worst thing that could
happen to hated it it kind of broke me a
bit but looking back now it was the best
thing that happened to me because they
didn't just break me and leave me they
broke me and put me back together better
huh built me back up and
so with that slowly my self-esteem
started building I did work on it I did
lots of work in rehab and today I don't
get scared to go out I get daunted like
lucky daunted I find it daunting
sometimes if I'm doing something new
that I've not done before I can get an
overwhelming this fear but I kinda just
make myself plow on through and do it
and after I feel great and I think yeah
it's kind of feeling the fear and doing
it anyway
isn't it like that book says um because
the more you stop going out and you stop
talking to people the bigger the fear
grows and the harder it gets it gets
harder and harder and harder um but if
you start trying to take that first step
I'm not saying it's easy because well I
didn't really did I are cheated but um
but I know now I don't ever want myself
to go back to how it used to be so which
I which it could if I thought I can't do
that that's new I'm not doing that and
then the next time I definitely wouldn't
do it the time after that and slowly I
would start isolating again and becoming
a bit of a recluse so I don't let it
happen now when I get anxious about
something I kind of just go for it and
do it anyway and it does get easier and
easier and easier the more you do that
so I hope if I answered that question
because it's really hard for people that
can't go out because you need support
you need help I know there's videos
online and the social media in that but
it's not the same as reality is actually
sitting down with someone and talking to
someone and that's important in recovery
that is important but don't feel you
will always be like this because I used
to think that I used to think I'm never
going to grow
never gonna see anyone and now I do so
don't feel like you'll always be like
this but do know that recovery is a
process it doesn't happen overnight but
you're kind of you just got to take that
first step just take that first step on
your journey to recovery and it's so
worth it all right guys I'll see you
later
Hey