There was a time I couldn’t leave my home. I hated myself and I isolated. Life is not like that for me today luckily so I know there is a way out.
hi guys I'm gonna do a video on well it's on bulimia our lovely lady Clara asked me this um and it's regarding bulimia but it can pretty much go towards anyone with borderline personality disorder mental health issues self-esteem issues and she asked if I ever suffer Agra phobia we're to the point I felt so ugly that wouldn't go out and I didn't want to see anyone gonna have any friends and the answer is yeah for a long long time I I don't know if it was linked to the bulimia or if it was linked to the borderline or just a slight severe anxiety but I did get to the point that I couldn't leave the house for a long time like the only time I would I'd literally get in the car drive to my mum's and that was there and then I had to come home I couldn't go out to the park with the children I couldn't go to shops I just didn't want to see anyone I cut all my friends out I didn't want to talk to anyone and I never felt good enough I was paranoid about the way I looked I was paranoid people laughing at me or talking about me and it just got so bad that I found I started to feel safe when I was indoors I knew it wasn't healthy because obviously I had two children at this point and it would have been lovely for them to have their mum that took them down the park and I just couldn't do it I would sometimes wear loads and loads and loads loads of makeup like wearing a mask to hide who I was and sometimes in the beginning that worked and would give me a false sense of confidence and I felt I could face people because I almost didn't feel like I was me but in the end even that I just didn't want to I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror I didn't want to do my makeup I stopped wearing makeup I started living in tracksuit bottoms and baggy t-shirts I felt fat not huge but I wasn't because I was a size 6 but I thought I don't know what I thought I thought it was lying or something so I thought I was a lot bigger than I was and I spit I cried a lot in those days I did cry a lot I don't really cry that much today but I'm in a much better place today where I can go out I can go out with makeup on but not just to hide behind if that makes sense just because I enjoy putting on I found it quite therapeutic putting makeup on but I'm I'm also comfortable in my skin that I can go out without makeup on today probably scare all the neighbors but um there was a time I couldn't do that I literally could not have gone out without makeup on even if I just had to pop to the local shop it just wasn't happening and like I said it then got to the point that it got so bad that I just really got up I I say I overcame this problem but I kinda didn't it was a big fat cheat and it was the worst thing that I could have done I started drinking because I realized I didn't have the confidence to take my kids to the park and I felt so bad for them that I was like I need statement to the park and I realized having a little bit of alcohol gave me this false confidence and I could have that drink and I could go to a park which is like the worst thing but yes that's what I started doing but obviously it doesn't it for me anyway it wasn't just that one drink then I'd have another and another and another and soon I had a full-blown drink problem and then with the drink soon enough the drugs came as well and it kind that carried on that spiral carried on until I went into rehab and I was able to fight those demons so I didn't actually just overcome it the Agra phobia was staying in because I literally just substituted one problem for a completely other problem different problem and it wasn't until I got clean and sober and well actually when I got clean and savor and treatment I was worse than ever like their mouth and makeup the high heels the little mini skirts like and I never realized I was wearing moths just because I couldn't be around people and it was the people in rehab the lady that owned actually banned me from wearing makeup and heels and it was the worst thing that could happen to hated it it kind of broke me a bit but looking back now it was the best thing that happened to me because they didn't just break me and leave me they broke me and put me back together better huh built me back up and so with that slowly my self-esteem started building I did work on it I did lots of work in rehab and today I don't get scared to go out I get daunted like lucky daunted I find it daunting sometimes if I'm doing something new that I've not done before I can get an overwhelming this fear but I kinda just make myself plow on through and do it and after I feel great and I think yeah it's kind of feeling the fear and doing it anyway isn't it like that book says um because the more you stop going out and you stop talking to people the bigger the fear grows and the harder it gets it gets harder and harder and harder um but if you start trying to take that first step I'm not saying it's easy because well I didn't really did I are cheated but um but I know now I don't ever want myself to go back to how it used to be so which I which it could if I thought I can't do that that's new I'm not doing that and then the next time I definitely wouldn't do it the time after that and slowly I would start isolating again and becoming a bit of a recluse so I don't let it happen now when I get anxious about something I kind of just go for it and do it anyway and it does get easier and easier and easier the more you do that so I hope if I answered that question because it's really hard for people that can't go out because you need support you need help I know there's videos online and the social media in that but it's not the same as reality is actually sitting down with someone and talking to someone and that's important in recovery that is important but don't feel you will always be like this because I used to think that I used to think I'm never going to grow never gonna see anyone and now I do so don't feel like you'll always be like this but do know that recovery is a process it doesn't happen overnight but you're kind of you just got to take that first step just take that first step on your journey to recovery and it's so worth it all right guys I'll see you later Hey
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.