Today I do 2 video requests. Whose fault is it when we feel awful? If we struggle with pain from our past and therefore lash out at family members – are we entitled to? Should cut toxic people out of our lives? Yes! How do we do that?
hi happy Friday my little fighting warriors today I'm doing two video requests the first is from the ordinary girl heart and she asked when we feel awful whose fault is it theirs or ours what about pain from the past and we keep lashing out at family members are we entitled to especially if that person doesn't respect us well I'm gonna break it into sections the first when we feel awful whose fault is it first of all it very much depends on every situation what's been said what's been done so I cannot just say well it's always their fault or it's always your fault the fact is believe it or not nobody can make us feel anything yes someone can say there is horrible thing to us but our plane takes it perceives it and we have an emotion now unfortunately for those of us with BPD one our emotions are really intense so we fill them a lot more strongly secondly we tend to perceive things differently to people that don't have BPD we have a bad self-image we might have low self-esteem we have fear of abandonment so for example if her friends came to me and said well you've put on some weight because my low self has seen my bad self-image - my fear of abandonment I take that comment and I perceive it in a real negative way and I feel really sad or hurt or ashamed if a friend said it's someone who doesn't have BPD oh you've got some weight they might go oh thanks and perceive it in a good way and have a positive emotion or they might be like Oh have I dismiss it no feeling no bother but we have VPD so the way we perceive things does tend to cause us negative feelings the problem is when we blame always pointing the finger either blame other people or blaming ourselves it actually doesn't change the feeling in fact it actually heightens it I think we need to kinda take back our power and say no I have control certain control over my feelings yes they might be a bit dysregulated but we've trying to fix that aren't we so we take back the control and stop pointing the finger stop blaming because that keeps us stuck where we are the second part what about pain from our past so we keep lashing out at family members now we know loads of people with BPD have suffered some kind of trauma in their life whether it's emotional abuse physical abuse some kind of neglect some kind of loss so this happens in the past and we bring this into the future with us and if we're still lashing out at the family members it's very clear that our past experience still has a big hold on us and that's causing us to lash out we have a lot of anger now anger can be great for example if you're in an abusive relationship and you get angry it can give you the power to say I'm leaving and it gets you out of there the problem is if this the trauma the abuse happen a long long time ago and we're still with the family members it's still in the same situation but we just feel angry but it's not a good anger that's causing us to get out or do something it's just an anger that sits with us causing us to lash out at them it's actually self-destructive and will only harm us so it's important that we let go of that and the way we do that I've talked about it before is acceptance now accepting the past we have said before does not mean we agree with it it just means we say okay this happened I cannot change it I cannot go back in time and change it and make it not happen it happened and I need to accept it and I need to move on from it now depending on who you are what you've been through some of us might need some more therapy to help us do that others may be able to find they can do it through self-help and do it on their own but it is important that we do it because like I said it anger resentment it literally just eats away inside of us and it won't help us in our recovery it will hold us back from recovering so then the ordinary gases are we entitled to especially if that person doesn't respect us we are always entitled to feel the way we feel are we entitled to lash out at them it was something that happened in the past I would say no because it's actually just keeping a stock yes our feelings are valid but believe it or not we can use that our feelings to help us in a positive way or we can use them negatively and if by lashing out and getting angry at someone over something that's happened in the past actually that's a negative way it's not gonna make us feel any better in fact it's probably just gonna make things worse now the last fit what if the person doesn't respect us ties in with my next video request and that is from Mike hi Mike and he asked about how do you get rid of toxic people that literally draining you emotionally now first of all we've got to be clear on what is toxic because there are some people out there that just annoying and they might just drain us a bit but it doesn't mean they're actually toxic but then we have the another say the other end of the spectrum where someone will sabotage out recovery constantly criticizing now there is such a thing as constructive criticism so if we have a friend who points out that maybe we're drinking a bit too much and we need to watch that actually they're probably doing that from a kind caring place they're worried about us so they've pointed it out so that would be constructive criticism but there's also just constant criticizing putting us down making us feel worthless being very very judgmental now actually before I go on with this because I'm sure this piece out there that don't have BPD and you're thinking how can you talk about toxic people when you've got BP gbpd people are toxic no no no no no no here's the thing in the world you get toxic people and you get people that are toxic people that have BPD you can get people with BPD that are not toxic and you can get some that are toxic I wouldn't say people are toxic just because they have BPD now BPD yes can make us act in a really horrible way I know from experience cause I used to be a horrible horrible person the thing is BPD is a serious serious mental illness we have such intense negative emotions they cause us to behave in a certain way it's not actually coming from a nasty spiteful place it doesn't mean we are actually bound people and that's the difference now you can get some toxic people that are consciously aware of what they're doing and some that on but either way toxic is toxic so what do we do about it first of all if we want to remove someone toxic from our life we are worth trying to first of all put in some boundaries and say when you keep saying this to me or talking to me in this way or doing this it makes me feel like this I feel like this no it makes me I feel like this I'd rather you didn't do it if you carry on I'm just gonna have to spend less time with you now if they are truly toxic they are gonna bust down those barriers they're not they're not gonna care and then you will know for sure they are toxic and then you need to make the next step and that is cutting them out your life toxic people come in all different shapes and sizes some might be colleagues some might be partner some might be just friends family members family members are hardest to deal with because it's not as easy if say if it's a parent or a sibling to say I'm cutting you out my life because it will often have a ripple effect on the rest of the family and the last thing we want is to cut the whole family out and have no one talking to us so if it is a friend or a colleague it is slightly easier first of all no it's probably not going to happen overnight because they're toxic so they are probably gonna maybe turn up they might stop calling you contacting you on social media so I would advise you to block them block their calls doctor on social media if it's a family member it's very difficult because for example just say is a parent and you live with them and you've got no money you can't move out you don't know where to go you kind of stop there it doesn't mean you can't cut them out emotionally emotionally you can distance yourself from them physically not so much so you might have to be there when they're around but you've really got to make a conscious effort to when they say something just kind of treat it like white noise going on in the background [Music] because the problem is toxic family members can be the worst and they kind of think because they're family they're allowed to do that but that is not the case you know this is your life this is your recovery your well-being and you deserve to be treated with respect if you're not being so and someone is constantly crossing boundaries you do even if it's a family member you have to cut them out because it is not just going to fix itself it's not just gonna go away it might be a gradual process and there will be learning curves along the way if you do live with them maybe try and just stay out the room from them as much as possible like I said trying just maybe if they're saying and criticizing you just picture them in your head like dressed as a clown or something and laughing at them in your head so they don't know but you're just think looking at them and thinking you're just see this tavern cutting anyone out takes a while it won't just happen unfortunately I would advise if you can move out and get away from the toxic person I would always advise that in the short term it might be difficult but long term you're going to be so much better off for it and if it's a work colleague or a friend and you don't know how to tell them you just you don't feel assertive enough to say look you're really toxic you're out my life you can do it subtly but I just all I'm busy I can't see you and just cut down contact and phase them out so they don't even realize it's happening before you know it and they're out your life so you can do it that way as well it will take slightly longer but I suppose it avoids that big I don't want you in my life conversation sound toxic people are really really vile and to the point that if you had that conversation with them they could turn really nasty if you think it's someone like this one probably when you have if you're going to have the conversation do it in a public place so other people are around or secondly like I said do it really subtly and gradually over time so you don't have to have that full-on face to face talk basically but it is worth being aware of who we hang around with because negativity spreads basically so for example if you're at home and your parent has a go at you then you might have a go at your sibling and you simply might have a go at someone at school or the friend and it spreads and that's the same with toxicity toxicity it spreads we don't need that in our lives so it is important it's one of the best things you can do if you have someone that's really toxic in your life it is really important if you want to recover to be able to walk away from them and just know you deserve to have a good life you don't deserve to have someone dragging you down and so do it for yourself do it for your own recovery and it will work out and it will be worth it I love you all those have a wonderful weekend guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.