hi happy Friday my little fighting
warriors today I'm doing two video
requests the first is from the ordinary
girl heart and she asked when we feel
awful whose fault is it theirs or ours
what about pain from the past and we
keep lashing out at family members are
we entitled to especially if that person
doesn't respect us well I'm gonna break
it into sections the first when we feel
awful whose fault is it first of all it
very much depends on every situation
what's been said what's been done so I
cannot just say well it's always their
fault or it's always your fault
the fact is believe it or not nobody can
make us feel anything yes someone can
say there is horrible thing to us but
our plane takes it perceives it and we
have an emotion now unfortunately for
those of us with BPD one our emotions
are really intense so we fill them a lot
more strongly secondly we tend to
perceive things differently to people
that don't have BPD we have a bad
self-image we might have low self-esteem
we have fear of abandonment so for
example if her friends came to me and
said well you've put on some weight
because my low self has seen my bad
self-image - my fear of abandonment I
take that comment and I perceive it in a
real negative way and I feel really sad
or hurt or ashamed if a friend said it's
someone who doesn't have BPD oh you've
got some weight they might go oh thanks
and perceive it in a good way and have a
positive emotion or they might be like
Oh have I dismiss it no feeling no
bother
but we have VPD so the way we perceive
things does tend to cause us negative
feelings the problem is when we blame
always pointing the finger either blame
other people or blaming ourselves it
actually doesn't change the feeling in
fact it actually heightens it I think we
need to kinda take back our power and
say no I have control certain control
over my feelings yes they might be a bit
dysregulated but we've trying to fix
that aren't we so we take back the
control and stop pointing the finger
stop blaming because that keeps us stuck
where we are the second part what about
pain from our past so we keep lashing
out at family members now we know loads
of people with BPD have suffered some
kind of trauma in their life whether
it's emotional abuse physical abuse some
kind of neglect some kind of loss so
this happens in the past and we bring
this into the future with us and if
we're still lashing out at the family
members it's very clear that our past
experience still has a big hold on us
and that's causing us to lash out we
have a lot of anger now
anger can be great for example if you're
in an abusive relationship and you get
angry it can give you the power to say
I'm leaving and it gets you out of there
the problem is if this the trauma the
abuse happen a long long time ago and
we're still with the family members it's
still in the same situation but we just
feel angry but it's not a good anger
that's causing us to get out or do
something it's just an anger that sits
with us causing us to lash out at them
it's actually self-destructive and will
only harm us so it's important that we
let go of that and the way we do that
I've talked about it before is
acceptance now accepting the past we
have said before does not mean we agree
with it it just means we say okay this
happened I cannot change it
I cannot go back in time and change it
and make it not happen it happened and I
need to accept it and I need to move on
from it now depending on who you are
what you've been through some of us
might need some more therapy to help us
do that others may be able to find they
can do it through self-help and do it on
their own but it is important that we do
it because like I said it anger
resentment it literally just eats away
inside of us and it won't help us in our
recovery it will hold us back from
recovering so then the ordinary gases
are we entitled to especially if that
person doesn't respect us we are always
entitled to feel the way we feel are we
entitled to lash out at them it was
something that happened in the past I
would say no because it's actually just
keeping a stock yes our feelings are
valid but believe it or not we can use
that our feelings to help us in a
positive way or we can use them
negatively and if by lashing out and
getting angry at someone over something
that's happened in the past actually
that's a negative way it's not gonna
make us feel any better in fact it's
probably just gonna make things worse
now the last fit what if the person
doesn't respect us ties in with my next
video request and that is from Mike hi
Mike and he asked about how do you get
rid of toxic people that literally
draining you emotionally now first of
all we've got to be clear on what is
toxic because there are some people out
there that just annoying
and they might just drain us a bit but
it doesn't mean they're actually toxic
but then we have the another say the
other end of the spectrum where someone
will sabotage out recovery constantly
criticizing
now there is such a thing as
constructive criticism so if we have a
friend who points out that maybe we're
drinking a bit too much and we need to
watch that actually they're probably
doing that from a kind caring place
they're worried about us so they've
pointed it out so that would be
constructive criticism but there's also
just constant criticizing putting us
down making us feel worthless being very
very judgmental now actually before I go
on with this because I'm sure this piece
out there that don't have BPD and you're
thinking how can you talk about toxic
people when you've got BP gbpd people
are toxic no no no no no no here's the
thing in the world you get toxic people
and you get people that are toxic people
that have BPD you can get people with
BPD that are not toxic and you can get
some that are toxic I wouldn't say
people are toxic just because they have
BPD now BPD yes can make us act in a
really horrible way I know from
experience cause I used to be a horrible
horrible person
the thing is BPD is a serious serious
mental illness we have such intense
negative emotions they cause us to
behave in a certain way it's not
actually coming from a nasty spiteful
place it doesn't mean we are actually
bound people and that's the difference
now you can get some toxic people that
are consciously aware of what they're
doing and some that on but either way
toxic is toxic so what do we do about it
first of all if we want to remove
someone toxic from our life we are worth
trying to first of all put in some
boundaries and say when you keep saying
this to me or talking to me in this way
or doing this it makes me feel like this
I feel like this no it makes me I feel
like this
I'd rather you didn't do it if you carry
on I'm just gonna have to spend less
time with you now if they are truly
toxic they are gonna bust down those
barriers they're not they're not gonna
care and then you will know for sure
they are toxic and then you need to make
the next step and that is cutting them
out your life toxic people come in all
different shapes and sizes some might be
colleagues some might be partner some
might be just friends family members
family members are hardest to deal with
because it's not as easy if say if it's
a parent or a sibling to say I'm cutting
you out my life because it will often
have a ripple effect on the rest of the
family
and the last thing we want is to cut the
whole family out and have no one talking
to us so if it is a friend or a
colleague it is slightly easier first of
all no it's probably not going to happen
overnight because they're toxic so they
are probably gonna maybe turn up they
might stop calling you contacting you on
social media so I would advise you to
block them block their calls doctor on
social media if it's a family member
it's very difficult because for example
just say is a parent and you live with
them and you've got no money you can't
move out you don't know where to go you
kind of stop there it doesn't mean you
can't cut them out emotionally
emotionally you can distance yourself
from them physically not so much so you
might have to be there when they're
around but you've really got to make a
conscious effort to when they say
something just kind of treat it like
white noise going on in the background
[Music]
because the problem is toxic family
members can be the worst and they kind
of think because they're family they're
allowed to do that but that is not the
case
you know this is your life this is your
recovery your well-being and you deserve
to be treated with respect if you're not
being so and someone is constantly
crossing boundaries you do even if it's
a family member you have to cut them out
because it is not just going to fix
itself it's not just gonna go away it
might be a gradual process and there
will be learning curves along the way if
you do live with them maybe try and just
stay out the room from them as much as
possible like I said trying just maybe
if they're saying and criticizing you
just picture them in your head like
dressed as a clown or something and
laughing at them in your head so they
don't know but you're just think looking
at them and thinking you're just see
this tavern cutting anyone out takes a
while it won't just happen unfortunately
I would advise if you can move out and
get away from the toxic person I would
always advise that in the short term it
might be difficult but long term you're
going to be so much better off for it
and if it's a work colleague or a friend
and you don't know how to tell them you
just you don't feel assertive enough to
say look you're really toxic you're out
my life you can do it subtly but I just
all I'm busy I can't see you and just
cut down contact and phase them out so
they don't even realize it's happening
before you know it and they're out your
life so you can do it that way as well
it will take slightly longer but I
suppose it avoids that big I don't want
you in my life conversation sound toxic
people are really really vile and to the
point that if you had that conversation
with them they could turn really nasty
if you think it's someone like this one
probably when you have if you're going
to have the conversation do it in a
public place so other people are around
or secondly like I said do it really
subtly and gradually over time so you
don't have to have that full-on face to
face talk basically but it is worth
being aware of who we hang around with
because negativity spreads basically so
for example if you're at home and your
parent has a go at you then you might
have a go at your sibling and you simply
might have a go at someone at school or
the friend and it spreads and that's the
same with toxicity toxicity it spreads
we don't need that in our lives so it is
important it's one of the best things
you can do if you have someone that's
really toxic in your life it is really
important if you want to recover to be
able to walk away from them and just
know you deserve to have a good life you
don't deserve to have someone dragging
you down and so do it for yourself do it
for your own recovery and it will work
out and it will be worth it I love you
all those have a wonderful weekend guys