yeah today I'm gonna do a video on
bullying because I got really bullied
when I was a teenager when I was at
school and it wasn't even my idea to do
this video my boyfriend was like why
don't you do a video on being bullied
because you were believed I thought are
you right for once so I'm going to do it
basically I'm going to take you right
back when I was in nursery and I made a
friend and we became best friends our
primary schools we went to different
schools but our mums were best friends
we always saw each other and when I got
to 11 we was both sent to the same girls
school and we were in the same class
hey everything was good and like I said
she was my best friend I got 13 and I
got a boyfriend and I can remember it so
clearly it was geography class and she
just stopped talking to me I was like
hey that's weird and before I know it
she turned all these girls against me I
didn't understand why she was supposed
to be my friend and they were all
calling me a slag telling me I was a
tramp and it went on for three years and
it was a big group and it was really
intimidating that pushed me that shoved
me in the corridor and it was like
relentless I remember maths classes
there was a load of them sat behind me
and that all began in my ear so I'd be
sat there like trying not to listen
trying to be in a daze but I'd be
hearing it and then all of a sudden I'd
hear the teacher me not listening to
what I'm saying
and then they'd be laughing and it was
so fucking humiliating it got so bad
that one day I remember again so clearly
I brought a knife into school and I had
it hid and I went into my maths car
and I thought when they say something
I'm gonna stop on and then it was really
weird because that was probably the
first lesson ever no one said anything
and I thank my lucky stars now because
had I done that I would have fucked up
my whole life but that's how desperate I
had become I told my mom about it and
she didn't believe me and she kind of
feels guilty to this day that she didn't
believe me but I understand why she
didn't because to her I was this gobby
little teenager that would swear a shout
and was abusive physically and verbally
to her constantly and her view was like
how could you get bullied you just
wouldn't put up with it but she didn't
know I think a lot that anger came from
me being bullied the teachers didn't
leave me and I kind of felt I had no one
I did have the group of friends there's
probably six or seven girls and they
were all so lovely but I always felt
they didn't defend me but with hindsight
I don't think they realized the extent
of it because a lot of this was
happening when I was walking on my own
down the corridor getting barged into
walls and that and I don't think these
girls knew just how bad it was also for
me all that hurt and anger I tried to
mask I put on this mask and I'd be the
class clown telling jokes trying to make
people laugh because inside I was
fucking dying but people didn't see that
I remember I turned against one of the
friends in my group actually and I can
remember just being really horrid and
seeing same really horrid things so
although I was been bullied I think I
actually saw I've been quite horrid and
being a bit of a bully myself and I'm
really not proud of that that to this
day and because she was such a nice girl
and she was a friend of mine
I can't excuse it and but I just
remember they were fucking painful years
I say in another video like my teenage
years were possibly the most painful
years for me and I was thinking about
that yesterday because if you asked my
mom the same question what were the
worst years I'm pretty short my mum
would say in the twenties your twenties
were a nightmare she was telling me the
other day do you remember the day I
found you asleep in the middle of a road
like a main road but I don't remember it
was my twenties that I had all the
suicide attempts and my mum was being
called saying your daughter's not going
to make it she's attempted suicide and
the violent violent relationships em and
all they're happening my twenties and
that's what my mum remembers but what
you've got to remember in my 20s I was
using a lot of drugs and I was drinking
a lot so for me they weren't buying in a
blur I didn't really feel anything in my
twenties my teens now I know a tried
alcohol at 13 but I wasn't out alcoholic
drinking everyday at 13 so everything
that was happening to me so I was
feeling it all I found out when I was in
rehab my mum phoned me to say blah blah
and I said that that's the girl's name
the girl that believed me died and then
I was like how does that make you feel
and I wasn't yes she's dead
after everything she did she's dead
because I still hated her that much at
this point
but that I did think once she died I
thought that resentment and that anger
would go and it didn't it stuck with me
and it became really obvious actually
that bullying to them it might be in a
few years they would
they will have liked doing that to me
but if fucking lasted a lifetime for me
really that is only the past couple
years that I've let that go
it since I've come into recovery and
when I did the 12 steps I kind of had to
look back at that because I'll talk in
another video about resentment but
resentment from the Latin word to reveal
we feel is one of the biggest causes of
relapse so we can't afford to have
resentments against people and it was
because working on that that I was able
to let it go but they're bullying that
took just a short time really in light
you think for my lifetime a few years it
wasn't two three years
it lost stuck with me for another 20 so
say 23 years I had that it knocked my
confidence my self-esteem I didn't trust
women I always stuck with the men when I
did take drugs because I was so used to
living in fear from the bullies when I
took drugs and they gave me that
confidence where all of a sudden I
wasn't afraid I wasn't scared I was like
fucking bring it on to anyone I like
that I like that I could defend myself
for once and I'm not saying they're the
reason I became a drug addict because
I'm sure I would have become a drug
addict anyway but it's certainly
heightened like that lovely feeling for
me because I just didn't want to be
scared anymore and when I took cocaine I
didn't feel scared I always stuck with
the boys I thought all girls were
bitches when I came into treatment I
thought a lot of the girls were out to
get me and I didn't trust them and
actually I've heard stories since we're
actually I've proved myself right
a few of them I shouldn't have trusted
as much as I did but at the same time
we're all sick people in treatment so I
can move on
but you kind of come into recovery and
you're told
especially in 12-step meetings stick
with the girls stick with the girls and
I did not want to fucking stick with the
girls because I did not trust them but
it was that will use again so I did have
to let those barriers down and start to
let trust some of them and it's the best
thing I ever did because I've got the
most amazing friends now like female few
close close female friends that I do
really trust and I love with math in my
heart like um but that took a long time
especially going to the girls school and
just seeing just how bitchy girls can be
and I like having female friends now I
don't get all this internet trolling
where girls say you're fat you know this
or that I think fucking out girls we're
supposed to stick together and but I do
view those internet trolls very
similarly it's the way I do to the girls
that believe me I kind of feel sorry for
them because I think well obviously if
you're that willing to make someone's
life so miserable just to get a rush out
of it you must be fucking sick how do I
look back on those girls that believe me
now and do I hate them no do I like them
no I just don't give a fuck about them
anymore I don't care I've got my life
now I've got my life back but it's taken
a long long time one thing I do wish I
had had was some kind of counseling I
think anyone that is bullied at school
needs counseling when they come out the
other side because once you come out the
other side it's not on well the bullying
stopped I can get on now because that
stuff fucking sticks and I wish back
then I'd have some kind of counseling
but I didn't and I didn't own
to my problems because I was embarrassed
I was embarrassed that I've been bullied
my thought it showed a sign a weakness
and drugs made me strong so I'm gonna
leave that there guys Matt bye