i'ma lovelies welcome back to my channel if you are new don't forget to hit the subscribe button the like button if you like the video and the notification about if you want to be notified when I have new videos out so with that done I got asked well I got loads of amazing questions from you guys the other day when I put a video out explaining about my uncle and dealing with grief and my brother and I want to thank you for your amazing comments I am doing a video request from sporadically combust hi and the reason I'm doing this video now is the video request is something that's really close to my heart because I'm like well I've been through all of it but this basically it was I was asked to talk about infidelity and BPD when the person with BPD has been cheated on by their partner now this is kind of close to my heart because it caused me literally the most painful times of my life like going back it was for any of you who have read my book you'll see like I've kind of discuss it and say it was literally the dark dark times it was really really tough and and regarding that basically like some of you know I was married and to a guy that I thought was my absolute soul mate we were so close we were like best friends everything was wonderful and it was only about couple of months after I'd had my second child Keon and I found out he had been having an emotional affair with my best friend so we open like wasn't a emotional affair they both swear blind this day that nothing sexual happened they didn't kiss it was nothing like that but they both admitted that they talked every day for hours and so they had an emotional connection and for me that destroyed me absolutely destroy me I cried every day I attempted suicide I relapsed on drinking drugs yeah it was just such a painful time and that's why I decided actually I'm gonna get this video out today because had I back then been in that time and I'd reached out and said can you do a video on this to help me and someone made me wait a few weeks I'll be like wow because I'm desperate and it it's a really really painful time like I always say and like we all know that those of us with BPD have extremely intense emotions anyway so when we get hurt we don't just get hurt we get absolutely destroyed we know that one of the traits of BPD is a fear of abandonment believing people are going to leave us we struggle to trust people if we do decide we trust someone we can offer to make that person like a favorite person and we will literally love them to the end of the earth and back we will idolize them we will put them on a pedestal and this is exactly what I did with my ex-husband so he was up there on his pedestal and I was down here waving the flag with his name on it like you were so amazing up there so when I found out that he'd been talking to my friend absolutely destroyed me and it is such a such painful experience to go through I suppose we people want to know is can you recover from it can the relationship recover from it now it's really bizarre actually because I had this conversation with my ex-husband and we were kind of talking about because we do we get on really well now and we were talking about everything that happened and he was like you do know nothing happened I genuinely from the bottom of my heart do not believe anything sexual happened I'm not saying it never would have had it carried on I don't know but I don't believe it did I really don't and I don't think that's me being naive either but I don't I genuinely believe them and he kind of said that and I said yeah it's just unfortunate that I have BPD and so it was it didn't matter that it wasn't sexual if that meant sometimes I think back and I think would have been easier if it'd been like a one-off night drunken one-night stand mistake could I have light recovered from that better maybe about like for me I just went over everything it consumed my every waking hour I'd be in the shower every day thinking about it I was like driving the car thinking I was just crying constantly now when I say I was crying constantly from the moment I found out too so I found out in the July Kim was born in the May found out in the July when the October I attempted suicide by the December January I was still in absolute this I was crying every single day unless I was drinking or using but then what I'd find is later on the evening I would start crying and we'd have a blazing row I would start attacking him in the car like it was a really really tough time obviously I can't tell anyone what to do and whether it you can work through it but I can tell you for me I I decided in the end I I couldn't I couldn't be with him because the pain went too deep I couldn't forget it consumed me all the time whilst I was with him and because of that I kept drinking and I kept using I'm a kept self-harming and I kept attempting suicide and all this carried on because just looking at his face was a constant reminder of what had happened and it was just too painful and so I obviously I ended the relationship and we went our separate ways and it was painful for a really long time because here's the thing I still loved him and even though I ended there it was the most painful hard decision to do it was not just something I thought I'll end it it was awful and I hated seeing how much pain I was putting him in I felt guilty about that I was wracked with guilt but I need you see I ended it when I was in rehab and I knew I needed to get clean and I couldn't do that while we were still together I felt whatever argument we had I'll throw it in his face I didn't trust him the trust went completely out the window everyone everything that I thought he was up on that pedestal wall away from my flag it was like false and he came crashing down and I just couldn't get over it in the end it got to the point I started to almost hate him I loved him but I also had a lot of hate and anger like Oh like I detested him to look at him I detested him because of the her basically looking at his face reminded me of the pain that he put me in now here's the thing as well I had BPD he would be up the hospital when I overdosed he was there when I self-harmed he used to see my meltdowns he saw when I was put on a mental health ward needs to come and visit me so he saw me at my worst stage and he tried his best to understand and I don't think back then BPD especially over in the UK it wasn't kind as well-known then and there very few people had even heard of it and I didn't even understand it myself so I can explain it to him and I think no matter how he'd actually tried to understand he couldn't understand but I do look that and I accept now that living with me was extremely difficult I was hard work to live with and I think basically when it happened I found out I was pregnant with my second child so we were having to move house we needed a bigger house he was the one obviously at work so he had that pressure that financial pressure he had to go out and work whilst having me at home sometimes I wouldn't do something so do stuff sometimes I would to be fair actually when we moved I was kind of in like proactive stage because I my little girl was a year old and I wasn't drinking I wasn't using but I think I can still have that temper and there was just me so I get now looking back I understand like I think with my friend they got on and they just talked and I kind of understand it's acceptable don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's okay but I do put myself in his position I think he was under a lot of pressure ready well and I don't hate either of them now it's made me who I am but for me that relationship was not going to work once that happened if you think someone has cheated on you well if you find out your partner has cheated on you and you don't know what to do you could try giving it a go to start with that's what I did I think anything's straight away we stay together for a year and a half afterwards before I realized actually this is not good this relationship is not good so ah just as likely I could have stayed with him and we could have sorted things out for me I couldn't let it go no matter how much I tried now I've talked before I stayed friends with my friend and today I don't have any angle I think she just made a silly mistake but I tried to get on with life I tried to be okay but I wasn't inside and the way it manifested was my behaviors I was drinking I was using and I realized I was doing that because I was numbing the pain constantly because I really had not got over that it makes me sad looking back at the way things happened I hated hurting him I think it was a silly mistake and it's just unfortunate that I have BPD and it affected me so so badly but then I if I had stayed there I wouldn't have Lottie and Eason my younger two and I absolutely adore them I'm finally at a stage like I'd get on well with my ex-husband I get on well with my ex part but yeah that's basically that's my story I would say if you can try couples counseling regarding that maybe go for it but here's the thing even with that if you have BPD there's a woman staring in my window she didn't see me though that let me know what I had to do the hide if if you have BPD and you gave a couples counseling I think it can make the BPD worse because we used to go to counseling at one point and I would just leave in such a rage so I kind of think but maybe you could do some kind of counseling where you do it separate and he talks like he's after you talk about your stuff or she tells her whatever but that isn't always obviously an option I'm not saying it's the right option because like I said for me when you're in the grips of BPD couples counseling I think is quite dangerous thing to do that's just my opinion but like I said because they might say something they don't like about you and we're really really sensitive and then we can like get angry about what they say and it can make things harder but only you can decide what is right for you one thing is rebuilding that trust so if I was like if a partner has cheated on me and they want to stay together I'd say I want access to your phone oh and access to your social media you've got be an open book basically because if they're if you're doing anything secretly you need to build that trust and if they really want to build your trust they will be okay with that because what they got to hide unless they've got something to hide it should be okay it is a really really difficult decision to make and it's not one that can be taken lightly um because you might leave your partner and then have regrets and you do need to kind of take some time maybe take your subtype ways away from that situation say okay I need a few days to processes one thing I would say again don't go and process it on your own make sure people know where you are make sure people know what going on for you whether it's family members your mental health team friends because you are in a really vulnerable position you've been really really badly hurt and and you don't have to suffer on your own I know it does feel like that but also know that you will get through this because I can sit here and talk about what I went through but at the time honestly it was absolutely devastating but you'll get to where I am we we grow from this and it does make us stronger but do take take some time out for you but like I said don't like just disappear on your own like let people know where you are made go and stay at family members house and talk talk things through no you're not alone no the pain isn't going to last forever no matter how painful it feels now you will get through this and you don't have to make a decision right now do I stay with this person or do I not just take some time to process stuff I'm pretty sure in my book I have done a chapter on this actually what was it called BPD I can't remember that's really bad isn't it but I talk about like when we go through difficult times so it might be the death of a loved one it might be a death of hair it might be Christmas or like family occasions just times in our life that are a bit harder than usual times and I'm pretty sure I did like about when a partner is cheating and what it feels like forever ago I wrote that book my name is it's Turkey right my lovelies I will be back on Friday I love you all loads and loads have a good week