Throughout my life I have suffered with the odd obsession over someone. Today I discuss these obsessions and give advise on how to stop obsessing.

hi guys today I'm doing a video request
from Michael hi Michael and he asked me
to talk about stopping obsessing over
people how to stop being obsessed with
someone now I have been obsessed a few
times in my life to the point that I was
weird I was really I was a weirdo man I
will go into that in a minute the word
obsessed comes from the Latin word
obsessors which basically means besieged
our mind is besieged with uncontrollable
force now we can be obsessed with people
we can be obsessed with things for this
video I'm going to focus on being
obsessed with people then we have lots
of different people we can be obsessed
with so we could meet someone and go on
a date with them we become obsessed with
them so with a new partner we could
obsess over a random person some artwork
someone that walks their dog passed the
house maybe a neighbor they don't know
us we might say hi that's it but up here
I know them very well well I'm creating
a fantasy life with then there is the
obsession over an X sometimes we can
obsess because we really don't like them
but we still have to check up what
they're doing another example of where
we don't like someone what we obsess
over them is maybe an ex has a new
girlfriend and we start obsessing over
her on Easter know everything about her
we don't like her but we need to know
everything about her and we can't stop
thinking about her and but today I'm
going to focus on when we're obsessed
and we really like someone other times
we can become obsessed Oh
I could have a dream about someone it
might be someone who worked in the gym
and I could have a dream about them and
in my dream we got close and we were
together and I'd wake up and it feel
really weird like it had happened and
all of a sudden it felt this obsession I
couldn't stop thinking about this person
I'd never spoke before I couldn't stop
thinking about them because in my dream
so much had happened so and it felt real
so I felt like we had some kind of
history together when we didn't we can
we don't have to be obsessed like
it could be we've become obsessed with a
friend we've become obsessed with family
member and also we don't have to just be
obsessed with someone of the opposite
sex we could be obsessed with someone of
the same sex
even if we're hit for sexual so I'm
heterosexual when I was 13 I was at
girls school and I was in a play and
there was a six format so she was 16 or
17 who was a lead in the play and I
became obsessed with her I thought she
was absolutely amazing
there was nothing sexual in it um I did
not fancy how it was nothing I just was
like wow I just want to be her friend
and I would like walk around the
corridor where I'd know she would be and
try and bump into her accidentally and
go knock on the common room door and ask
to speak to her because I needed to ask
her something about the play I didn't
even have a speaking part I was just
like a background prop I was probably
like a tree or something but I needed
her to help me get into character
so I have lots of experience of being
really really obsessed with people like
I explained in Monday's video we have
our limbic system that is highly highly
sensitive and we have the frontal cortex
which is dampen really doesn't hit some
well insensitive instance we basically
don't have much control we don't have as
much control of our behaviors so when I
become obsessed with someone just say
I've met a guy and we're on a first date
and I'm thinking amazing because I must
point out we think in black and white as
well when we were obsessing over the
song on it pretty much most of the time
because they are in the white phase so
they're up here on a pedestal they can
do no wrong
so I'm on a date with a guy and I'm like
he's so amazing even though I know he
cheated on his last five girlfriends I
don't even think about that
I just think he won't do it to me I'm
special so we go on a date and I think
to myself I can see myself marrying him
I think we'd have some nice babies
together and I get carried away with
that thought but usually when I have a
strong feeling I have to do something
about it so I tell him do you
have you thought of having children
would you think I married I scare them
why would I say that I scare them away
and they go running for the hills
and then I am left feeling abandoned
because I have my fear of abandonment
I feel abandoned my self-esteem is not
and I get really depressed but then
someone else might catch my eye and the
obsession starts again because I suppose
when I'm obsessing and I'm feeling this
guy's I'm wonderful
it kind of stops all the horrid feelings
because if it was nice because I'm
creating a fantasy it's not reality I'm
creating fantasy and it's very easy for
me to start living in that fantasy I'm
thinking I feel so nice here with my new
husband I could never really control my
behaviors around obsessing I could phone
someone a million times in a day I just
wanna hear your voice I have been known
to phone someone and when they say hello
and I've heard that voice I have fished
known to turn up randomly at places
where you wouldn't usually find me but I
know that person's gonna be there and so
I'm there and the thing is when I used
to do this I used to have this guilt
insight like the skill fear of being
caught out because I knew this is this
isn't right behavior what I'm doing is
not right I'm stalking someone basically
um I just couldn't control it
and the thing is with when we are
obsessing like I said it means like our
mind is besieged with uncontrollable
thoughts we cannot stop the thoughts
they are all-consuming they take over
our life to the point like just say I
had planned to stay in and do some
housework and I had some writing to do I
don't know what writing but just say
might plan my day and I had all these
things that I had to do I had to get
them done but then the thought this guy
would come in and I'll think oh my god
it's Tuesday I know he goes to the
weightlifting class on Tuesday and so I
would just drop everything I'm doing and
turn up have a weightlifting class I'm
not supposed to be there I look really
out place but I just turn up to say I'm
just inquiring about tweening I think
you've been body build-up so
it would get in the way of my life if it
was someone at work and I was sat on my
computer and I am supposed to be working
I'd be constantly looking over the
computer at them not focusing on what I
was doing it could get in the way
whereas I would feel I want to change
myself because I want them to like me
because that's the thing with us
we have low self-esteem we have bad
self-image and we just want to be loved
and we so desperately crave that like
and we said desperately want to be in
that relationship and have that
wonderful relationship but unfortunately
the way we go about it because of our
behaviors we actually cause the opposite
where they don't want to be around us
anymore because for being weird
so it can completely take over your life
it's like I said I felt guilt it's
living with that fear as well fear of
getting found out when we are completely
obsessing over someone
all our thoughts are on how wonderful
they are so we have our black and white
thinking this is when they are white we
do not care about their history if
they've got a bad reputation we don't
care because we only see the good and
it's like for example I can remember
obsessing over an ex and like oh my god
he was so amazing he was so wonderful I
should still be with him no no and I
completely romanticized the situation
when the reality of it was our
relationship was rubbish it was so bad
it was such an unhealthy relationship he
didn't treat me right I didn't treat him
right it would it the relationship was
never going anywhere and it just needed
to end it very easy for me to all us um
start thinking in
and only focusing on all the good and
then looking back in rose-tinted glasses
thinking wow he was amazing when
actually that just wasn't the case I
said I think I did that with all my
I didn't it didn't matter if they had a
bad reputation or if even on the first
date they might say something that is
inappropriate I would just kind of
dismiss that and just focus on the good
because I so want to be loved
I say want that fairytale but as you
guys know we also have a big fear of
abandonment and so while we have this
obsession over this person and we can't
stop thinking about them in our guard
got like this not in our stomach because
we constantly think and I thought
they're not going to want to be with us
boy they don't matter us what they don't
want babies with me what this doesn't go
anywhere and it fills us with fear and I
thought was just continue to take over
so how do we stop it
I think the first thing we need to do is
to just notice what we're doing like you
say to yourself I am constantly thinking
about this person I am obsessing over
them this is becoming unhealthy now
DBT skills come in handy in DBT we learn
distressed tolerance
I know this is usually for like in a
time of crisis but actually I found some
of the distress tolerance skills really
helpful when it came to controlling
those intrusive uncontrollable unwanted
thoughts that are constantly there and I
mean over my solutions playlist I have
done DBT videos and have done videos on
distress tolerance and but I mean some
of them include distracting yourself
distract with activities so when you
notice your thoughts start doing that do
something that could try and take your
mind off them it might be go for a run
it might be watch a funny film
mindfulness I found really helpful
because mindfulness brings you back to
the moment it's not about dismissing
your thoughts it kinda you sit there and
you notice your thought but then you let
it go you don't judge it you don't think
it's good you don't think it's bad you
just notice when you let it go distress
tolerance we have pushing away learning
to push the problem way for now it
doesn't mean it's not going to come back
it's really kind of trial and error with
lots of different skills and see what
works for you the problem the only
problem I had with DBT skills is we are
so used to coping with our problems with
unhelpful skills and it might be
drinking ODEs alcohol might be going out
to a rave or whatever then we learn
these skills and it's quite hard to put
them into practice straightaway but this
is where practice comes in the more you
practice them the more natural they
start to feel so then when you do um use
the skills eventually you'll start
seeing they notice new fuck they start
and you notice they work and you notice
you'll be able to pick them up much more
easier rather than having to consciously
think huh what skill am I going to use I
think looking things like I explained in
Monday's video about we have the
rational mind we have the emotional mind
will be usually in the emotional we need
to bring together and have wise mind and
this is quite helpful more actually less
step back from that obsession and look
at the facts and look at it and
realistically and really trying to say
okay I have put this person up here on a
pedestal why why are they up there
because often we think oh it's just so
great we don't actually have much
evidence to back it up but we have put
them up there and the problem is we put
them out there but they are human and
they are likely to hurt us and then the
hurt and pain we feel when they come
crashing down is so painful to deal with
so before we go put them up there we
need to think okay
let's get real about this so for example
like with the dream it's quite easy
because the facts are we never had a
relationship this person doesn't know I
exist it was just a dream so then it's
easy to see through not wise mind rather
than just with my emotional mind if it
is someone that you see that walks the
dog past your house and they say hi
sometimes it's again start looking at
some of the facts okay yeah they walked
the dog past and they say hello but they
never actually stopped a track and they
actually have half a boyfriend or
girlfriend because I've seen them with
their and so it's about bringing
yourself out of that fantasy world
because I know it can feel so lovely
living in a fantasy world but
unfortunately the more we live there
it's like imagining isn't it when we
start imagining we're actually feeding
it and our imagination gets better and
wilder and more real but it's not real
it is just our imagination so it's kind
of bringing ourselves back to reality so
we can stop try and stop these thoughts
that completely take over our mind in
DBT we'll also talk about emotion
regulation because that is what be
borderline personality disorder is it's
emotional dysregulation we cannot
regulate our own emotions that's why
they're all over the place and they're
extremely intense and emotion regulation
is kind of a long-term thing where we
learn to try other things to help us
regulate our emotions it can be eating
Osetra healthy living doing exercise and
I mean medication as well I should point
out like if your thoughts are so
intrusive that you literally cannot stop
thinking for a second about
and it's completely interfering with
your life then speak to your doctor
because there are medications that can
help with that it is not a long-term
kind of solution we do need skills to
help as well but together they work
really well and often sometimes if our
thoughts and that bad that we cannot get
a second thing there's no way we're
going to be able to focus like on the
skills but if we can have some
medication that can ease those sorts
then we're more likely to practice the
skills and in the long run we're more
likely to succeed in stopping those
intrusive thoughts permanently now like
I said there's emotional regulation it's
also looking are you taking drugs are
you drinking because I know for me when
I was on cocaine I would become so much
more obsessed I was an obsessive person
anyway I would take some poke and the
obsession would literally be out of
control so have a look at that are you
drinking are you using drugs and and if
you are maybe it's time to stop because
um it's definitely not going to help in
recovery I am going to leave that there
today guys because I have now got the
school and to do but I will be back next
week love you all Bay
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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