When someone we love passes away we can be left absolutely devestated. For those of us with BPD the emotions we experience are so intense and all consuming and we often turn to unhelpful coping mechanisms such as self-harming, drinking or using drugs. Today I discuss helathy ways of coping with grief.
hi my lovelies happy Friday today I am doing a video on bereavement and the reason I'm doing this video is that I've had quite a few comments recently from people saying I've lost someone that I really love and I'm just not coping unfortunately death is something that most of us if not all of us do experienced at some point in our lives losing someone that we love and it's really really painful and then you bear in mind that we also suffer with borderline personality disorder where we struggle to regulate our emotions our emotions are extremely intense and you combine that with when we lose someone and it's kind of a recipe for disaster we're going to feel like shit basically we're gonna feel really really bad and but we can get through it and we can get through it without self harming without turning to drink without turning to drugs because what we've got to remember self harming drinking using drugs these are our coping mechanisms so when anything stressful or bad happens in our lives we immediately go for the thing that makes us feel better alright it's temporary but that's what we do just for that temporary really relief from our emotions but we also know that our coping mechanisms are not the healthiest and whilst they might initially seem to numb our feelings it doesn't last and we always end up feeling worse so today I'm gonna talk through some coping strategies when dealing with losing a loved one so I have actually been being here in this position I lost my wonderful Nana over 10 years ago and it was right in the height of my borderline personality disorder being completely out of control and I did not deal with the death well I self-harmed I got so drunk and I used so many drugs and it didn't it did not make me feel any better the life more I drank the more depressed I got and I think because I coped it well cope with it in that way it's not really coping it actually kind of dragged on for a lot longer for me and it took me years and years to really process the loss of my Nana now I then lost my grandeur completer go and buy again was devastated I was very very close to him he was an amazing man but this time I was in control I had learned to manage my borderline and I could kind of go through the grief process and I just found it a lot easier actually and then I had when my name passed away so basically the first thing to know when you lose a loved one is that grief is a process and it's different for every single person you can't say oh yeah you will grieve for two weeks because that's just not realistic even six months for many people it takes over 18 months sometimes three or four years sometimes five plus years so it is a long process it does get easier with time it doesn't mean a year down the line you're gonna be like really happy and completely okay with it because you still experience that loss but time is healer whereas you can process it and then just deal with it whereas in the beginning it's really hard to deal with the first kind of stage I suppose of grief is denial we go into kind of shock like it can't be true and we don't want to believe it's true the second stage we can often them become really angry maybe we're angry at them for leaving us even though obviously it might wasn't their choice we can still experience that we can be angry at other people we can get angry at ourselves maybe we start feeling guilt like we didn't spend enough time with them we didn't do this we didn't do that but again this is part of the process and after anger we kinda start processing it and we get sad and we can cry and that's the thing it's really important we do cry and we don't hold it in and suppress those emotions because they're still there and they're going to build up and it's perfectly okay to grieve it's healthy to let it out express how you're feeling following the sadness we can slip into a depression not everyone but a lot of us can find climb it mean the depression might just go on for a month it might go on longer but it's kind of at this stage that we need to lean on people if we have other family members or friends lean on them and let them support us and talk talk about our feelings and they you can get like grief counselors where you can go and actually talk to a counselor about how you were feeling and how you are coping or not coping obviously you might not want to talk but that doesn't mean you don't have to express how you're feeling you can keep a journal and writing it write your feelings down you might well one thing I did and my granddad write him a letter and then just fold it up and put it away you might like to have like a memory book of that person and put pictures and funny little stories in there of happy times you had together now like for me I found looking at photos really helpful but I remember I think it was my mum when her dad passed away and my other my grandpa she was not ready to look at photos for a few years she couldn't just it would make her too sad to look at them so it's kind of doing what you think will be okay for you maybe that will help maybe at one so like along the way there are going to be triggers events that might bring up emotion with regards to the person that you've lost and what I mean by that is it might be their birthday it might be an anniversary it might be Christmastime and these kind of days in the year that usually would be spent with this person and all of a sudden up there and my suggestion to you wouldn't be don't fear this day and think oh my god is coming up what we're going to do you want me I do but rather think of it as a day to maybe celebrate their life and do something nice so you might go for a nice walk you might release balloons into the sky you might visit graveyard you might spread the ashes but just think positive things and happy things because one thing you've got to remember is the person that you lost isn't gonna want you to sit there and mope and be really sad I like I went through a stage where I've just talked to my loved one who I've lost like they were just there and I found that really helpful it's times of grief when kind of if you have a faith maybe some religion or you believe in a higher power and your spiritual that it can be really really helpful you might go to your local place of worship and like candles you might pray you might meditate and again these things I helpful other people might find it helpful going to the clairvoyant or someone where they can try and make contact with their loved one but obviously you know what's going to be right with you and what will make you feel better and what will make you feel worse and it's all about trying to get you through this time without you self-destructing and keeping yourself safe I know with grief you can like it can we can suppress the emotions and they can build and build and build and one thing like one way that is good at releasing that is actually exercise going for a run having the endorphin release can kind of let go of some of that physical stress that you're feeling and and like I said before just know that it can get easier like it will get easier with time but don't give yourself a time limit I know for me like especially like when you've lost a loved one it's the funeral say in a couple of weeks during that time you're kind of so busy focusing on the funeral that you're kind of in the denial stage and then the funeral happens and you break down and you cry and then after you just I I couldn't help but feeling like everyone else's me just moved on and go on and why am I still feeling like 100 times worse than I did a week ago but no actually that is part of and it's so it's okay to feel like that if you're still feeling sad in a year's time that's okay allow yourself that time to grieve it's not just an event where someone passed away you have a good cry and that's it you're over you move on it's a process and sometimes you'll go right you might go from denial to angry to sad back to angry backs of denial back to angry back to sad and that's perfectly normal if you feel you are really really not coping and you really need help reach out to a medical professional and say I really need some support around this I'm really struggling and actually ask for help and don't just keep it all locked inside I think I have covered that oh another thing I should mention is that often when we lose someone we laugh and we're devastated we kinda we can very easily just stop bothering we stop bothering with the people around us and we can be so sad about the person that's passed away that we actually forget about those that are living and it's really important we don't do that and we also may stop bothering we might think I'm not getting out of bed today I'm not eating I don't want to eat I'm not hungry but we know that looking after our bodies is a way of regulating our emotions so if we really start neglecting looking after ourselves and not bother eating in that our emotions are going to be even more unstable and even more difficult to deal with so it's really really important that times like this that we do make sure even if we're not hungry that we're having regular meals that we're getting up and doing something we're not just completely isolating because yeah that will that will help regulate our emotions and yes our emotions are still going to be high because it's a really difficult time but we've got to do what we can to kind of help ourselves regulate them that bear so we just don't start spiraling downhill and feeling like there's no way out and then reaching out to all our and help unhelpful unhelpful and unhealthy coping mechanisms because they will make us feel worse so I'm going to leave that there guys I hope you have a wonderful weekend apparently which you snow here again I really don't I doesn't want some sunshine it's really sunny outside actually so I'm hoping maybe the snow just misses us but I'm hearing it's gonna be here on Sunday so okay have a wonderful weekend I love you
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.