hi my lovelies happy Friday today I am
doing a video on bereavement and the
reason I'm doing this video is that I've
had quite a few comments recently from
people saying I've lost someone that I
really love and I'm just not coping
unfortunately death is something that
most of us if not all of us do
experienced at some point in our lives
losing someone that we love and it's
really really painful and then you bear
in mind that we also suffer with
borderline personality disorder where we
struggle to regulate our emotions our
emotions are extremely intense and you
combine that with when we lose someone
and it's kind of a recipe for disaster
we're going to feel like shit basically
we're gonna feel really really bad and
but we can get through it and we can get
through it without self harming without
turning to drink without turning to
drugs because what we've got to remember
self harming drinking using drugs these
are our coping mechanisms so when
anything stressful or bad happens in our
lives we immediately go for the thing
that makes us feel better
alright it's temporary but that's what
we do just for that temporary really
relief from our emotions but we also
know that our coping mechanisms are not
the healthiest and whilst they might
initially seem to numb our feelings it
doesn't last and we always end up
feeling worse so today I'm gonna talk
through some coping strategies when
dealing with losing a loved one
so I have actually been being here in
this position
I lost my wonderful Nana over 10 years
ago and it was right in the height of my
borderline personality disorder being
completely out of control and I did not
deal with the death
well I self-harmed I got so drunk and I
used so many drugs and it didn't it did
not make me feel any better the life
more I drank the more depressed I got
and I think because I coped it well cope
with it in that way it's not really
coping it actually kind of dragged on
for a lot longer for me and it took me
years and years to really process the
loss of my Nana
now I then lost my grandeur completer go
and buy again was devastated I was very
very close to him he was an amazing man
but this time I was in control I had
learned to manage my borderline and I
could kind of go through the grief
process and I just found it a lot easier
actually and then I had when my name
passed away so basically the first thing
to know when you lose a loved one is
that grief is a process and it's
different for every single person you
can't say oh yeah you will grieve for
two weeks because that's just not
realistic even six months for many
people it takes over 18 months sometimes
three or four years sometimes five plus
years so it is a long process it does
get easier with time it doesn't mean a
year down the line you're gonna be like
really happy and completely okay with it
because you
still experience that loss but time is
healer whereas you can process it and
then just deal with it
whereas in the beginning it's really
hard to deal with the first kind of
stage I suppose of grief is denial we go
into kind of shock like it can't be true
and we don't want to believe it's true
the second stage we can often them
become really angry
maybe we're angry at them for leaving us
even though obviously it might wasn't
their choice we can still experience
that we can be angry at other people we
can get angry at ourselves maybe we
start feeling guilt like we didn't spend
enough time with them we didn't do this
we didn't do that but again this is part
of the process and after anger we kinda
start processing it and we get sad and
we can cry and that's the thing it's
really important we do cry and we don't
hold it in and suppress those emotions
because they're still there and they're
going to build up and it's perfectly
okay to grieve it's healthy to let it
out
express how you're feeling following the
sadness we can slip into a depression
not everyone but a lot of us can find
climb it mean the depression might just
go on for a month
it might go on longer but it's kind of
at this stage that we need to lean on
people if we have other family members
or friends lean on them and let them
support us and talk talk about our
feelings and they you can get like grief
counselors where you can go and actually
talk to a counselor about how you were
feeling and how you are coping or not
coping
obviously you might not want to talk but
that doesn't mean you don't have to
express how you're feeling you can keep
a journal and writing it write your
feelings down you might well one thing I
did and my granddad write him a letter
and then just fold it up and put it away
you might like to have like a memory
book
of that person and put pictures and
funny little stories in there of happy
times you had together now like for me I
found looking at photos really helpful
but I remember I think it was my mum
when her dad passed away and my other my
grandpa she was not ready to look at
photos for a few years she couldn't just
it would make her too sad to look at
them so it's kind of doing what you
think will be okay for you
maybe that will help maybe at one so
like along the way there are going to be
triggers events that might bring up
emotion with regards to the person that
you've lost and what I mean by that is
it might be their birthday it might be
an anniversary it might be Christmastime
and these kind of days in the year that
usually would be spent with this person
and all of a sudden up there and my
suggestion to you wouldn't be don't fear
this day and think oh my god is coming
up what we're going to do you want me I
do but rather think of it as a day to
maybe celebrate their life and do
something nice so you might go for a
nice walk you might release balloons
into the sky you might visit graveyard
you might spread the ashes
but just think positive things and happy
things because one thing you've got to
remember is the person that you lost
isn't gonna want you to sit there and
mope and be really sad I like I went
through a stage where I've just talked
to my loved one who I've lost like they
were just there and I found that really
helpful it's times of grief when kind of
if you have a faith maybe some religion
or you believe in a higher power and
your spiritual that it can be really
really helpful you might go to your
local place of worship and like candles
you might pray you might meditate and
again these things I helpful other
people might find it helpful going to
the clairvoyant or someone where they
can try and make contact with their
loved one but obviously you know what's
going to be right with you and what will
make you feel better and what will make
you feel worse and it's all about trying
to get you through this time without you
self-destructing and keeping yourself
safe I know with grief you can like it
can we can suppress the emotions and
they can build and build and build and
one thing like one way that is good at
releasing that is actually exercise
going for a run having the endorphin
release can kind of let go of some of
that physical stress that you're feeling
and
and like I said before just know that it
can get easier like it will get easier
with time but don't give yourself a time
limit I know for me like especially like
when you've lost a loved one it's the
funeral say in a couple of weeks during
that time you're kind of so busy
focusing on the funeral that you're kind
of in the denial stage and then the
funeral happens and you break down and
you cry and then after you just I I
couldn't help but feeling like everyone
else's me just moved on and go on and
why am I still feeling like 100 times
worse than I did a week ago but no
actually that is part of and it's so
it's okay to feel like that if you're
still feeling sad in a year's time
that's okay allow yourself that time to
grieve it's not just an event where
someone passed away you have a good cry
and that's it you're over you move on
it's a process and sometimes you'll go
right you might go from denial to angry
to sad back to angry backs of denial
back to angry back to sad and that's
perfectly normal if you feel you are
really really not coping and you really
need help reach out to a medical
professional and say I really need some
support around this I'm really
struggling and actually ask for help and
don't just keep it all locked inside I
think I have covered that oh another
thing I should mention is that often
when we lose someone we laugh and we're
devastated we kinda we can very easily
just stop bothering we stop bothering
with the people around us and we can be
so sad about the person that's passed
away that we actually forget about those
that are living and it's really
important we don't do that
and we also may stop bothering we might
think I'm not getting out of bed today
I'm not eating I don't want to eat I'm
not hungry
but we know that looking after our
bodies is a way of regulating our
emotions so if we really start
neglecting looking after ourselves and
not bother eating in that our emotions
are going to be even more unstable and
even more difficult to deal with so it's
really really important that times like
this that we do make sure even if we're
not hungry
that we're having regular meals that
we're getting up and doing something
we're not just completely isolating
because yeah that will that will help
regulate our emotions and yes our
emotions are still going to be high
because it's a really difficult time but
we've got to do what we can to kind of
help ourselves regulate them that bear
so we just don't start spiraling
downhill and feeling like there's no way
out and then reaching out to all our and
help unhelpful unhelpful and unhealthy
coping mechanisms because they will make
us feel worse so I'm going to leave that
there guys I hope you have a wonderful
weekend apparently which you snow here
again I really don't I doesn't want some
sunshine it's really sunny outside
actually so I'm hoping maybe the snow
just misses us but I'm hearing it's
gonna be here on Sunday so okay
have a wonderful weekend I love you