If you are pregnant and the BPD is not being managed chances are you are going to struggle. Do not feel guilty or ashamed by this — instead talk, talk, talk and get the help you need.

hi guys today I'm going to talk about
borderline personality disorder and
pregnancy and I have three children and
I am now pregnant with my fourth as you
know from my videos I kinda I managed a
borderline personality disorder
it doesn't manage me it doesn't control
me anymore and for that reason this
pregnancy my fourth pregnancy has
actually mentally I have been the best
out of any of the other pregnancies
physically not so much I've been a bit
ill or suffered with the sickness a bit
more but mentally I've been okay and
compared to my last three pregnancies
which was such a struggle because one
when you get pregnant you have a surge
of hormones kinda like women who have
the surge hormones once a month and it
could make you really emotional or angry
or snappy but even worse in pregnancy
stronger so you've got all this bearing
in mind with borderline personality
disorder our feelings are more intense
so not only are we getting this surge of
hormones that giving us these extra
feelings they feel so much stronger and
that combined with the fact that often
when you find out you're pregnant you
will come off some if not all of your
medication can leave you in a really
vulnerable place for me I found that all
the borderline personality traits that I
had will just exacerbate so much more
one of them was my bad self-image I had
a terrible I hated myself I had really
bad self-image and you get pregnant and
your body starts changing and you start
getting bigger and I just couldn't
really cope with them
and and that kind of led me to feel even
more insecure and so I'd get more needy
I would become more jealous I would
start then thinking of all these
scenarios of a partner cheating on me
and then I couldn't deal with those
emotions and that could bring on another
trait which might be self harm
I started self-harming quite a lot the
thing is when you're pregnant you don't
want to admit any of this to people you
just want to because you feel like you
should be happy you were having a
beautiful baby you should be happy and
you don't want people to judge you so a
lot at the time we kind of suppress
those being or hide them from other
people because we don't want them to
judge us and think oh my god you're
having a baby in your moaning like
especially with the self harm and that I
think what would people think me but I
really could not deal with my emotions
and everything was so painful in the
pregnancies like emotionally it was just
one big struggle the whole way through
with my third pregnancy my little boy
who's - now what I found helped
especially with the jealousy side and
always thinking my partner was cheating
and thinking he thought I was fair and
and talking actually helped I we started
talking to him I talked to my midwife
and I started talking to my therapist
and I got I got the help I needed and
just by letting out being honest about
how I felt did help it didn't make it go
away completely for me if I was like
having a really shitty day and just
feeling really insecure
and feeling horrible I would put loads
of nerds makeup on and put on like a
little sexy outfit and I know that
wasn't solving the problem it was
masking it really because all right I
was then all done up in heels and a
dress and loads of makeup but inside I
felt horrible and even more insecure but
it was kind of like a quick fix I could
get dressed up try and get a bit of
attention and that would make me feel
but when you're pregnant I found I
couldn't do that I couldn't put my heels
on you know how I didn't feel sexy I
felt big and so that mask that I had
that I was used to putting on when I
felt insecure a horrid all of a sudden I
didn't have that there and again like I
said the fact that I was pregnant I
didn't want to own up to all of the
things because I would I was so worried
I'd be judged for it and I was angry at
myself a lot for feeling like that
because I think you know you should be
so happy you having a baby at the same
time be hating the pregnancy I'm
thinking how am I gonna cope with the
baby I don't need this and then feeling
guilty for the feeling like that so I
had to really look kind of accept my
feelings and talk to people being
pregnant is hard anyway especially when
you've got borderline personality
disorder you can't just expect to say
all through the pregnancy and because
it's just not that simple but it's
really important you get the help you
need and you deserve especially if
you're not on medication now you know
from my videos I do not think medication
solves everything but for sure it does
take the edge off and when you've all of
sudden got that taken away especially
like if like myself you've had to come
off the medication quickly
you're gonna notice a real dip in that
mood and that is what happened to me and
it was very very hard to try and get my
mood to level out after that yeah all my
traits all my behaviors just were kind
of out controlling the pregnancy and it
was even harder than not being pregnant
to admit it because like I've said I did
feel judged
but perhaps bad but it's like I now know
looking back that you won't always feel
like this what you might find if you're
like me you have all the surge of
emotions during the pregnancy you might
suffer prenatal depression where you get
depressed before you've even had the
baby then you have the baby and then you
get the postnatal depression and you
really fight with yourself over all
those feelings but it's really important
you talk talk talk talk and do not be
ashamed of how you feel
because it is not your fault and you
won't always feel like this now I'm kind
of proof that you can get to a point
where not only can you manage the
borderline personality disorder but
later on you can go on and have another
pregnancy like I am this time and the
borderline isn't an issue because it's
so well managed I mean this was a real
test for me because I kind of fell in
control the borderline didn't control me
and then I got pregnant and I'm very
aware that you get your surge of
hormones and I thought how on earth am I
gonna manage this but I have and I
haven't really had to go out my way to
do anything even like just the past few
weeks they've been a bit of a handful
basically because I've been really
unwell I'm not being able to do I'm not
able to do what I want
do little things like the housework he's
building up and and for me when the
house is a bit upside down my head feels
a bit upside down em and I was saying to
my partner last night I was like I feel
like fizz being physically ill is
starting to affect me mentally but I'm
aware of it and when I say it's
affecting me mentally I mean it's
getting me down a bit
but nothing like I think that's just
normal that it's not because of the
board line or cuz I've had past mental
health issues because I don't want to
self-harm I don't want to go out and
I don't need drunks you know I don't
feel I need to fix myself in any way so
yeah the whole pregnancy and everything
and been unwell has been a real test for
me to see how I'm gonna be and so far so
good and it can be for any of you as
well obviously if you're pregnant now
and you have borderline personality
disorder that's not being managed
you're probably going to struggle up
there and it's just accepting that and
saying okay it doesn't make you a
horrible person you are suffering with
this illness and you are pregnant how
you were feeling is to be expected but
just be like I said be honest about how
you feel
talk let people know what's going on for
you it's not something to be ashamed of
and you can come out the other side and
everything be okay
so stay strong my lovelies do you know
what us people with borderline we like
warriors because we fight we really
really have to fight just to survive but
trust me when you come out the other
side you're gonna feel so much stronger
bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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