I'm lovelies today I'm gonna talk about
borderline personality disorder and work
I don't work at the moment but there was
a time when I did work and it was
actually during this time that my
borderline personality disorder was like
completely out of control and part of
this time actually was before I even
knew I had borderline I haven't had my
diagnosis so it was a struggle but I did
work and it's really weird actually
because I kind I left school at if my
hey levels are left school and like all
my friends seem so grown-up like they
had become adults and I felt like I was
a child trapped in an adult's body every
day I'd get ready for work I'd put my
suit and I think but inside I really did
not I did not feel responsible at all I
just felt like a child trapped but I
would go into work I worked at a few
places there was one that I worked at a
particularly longer time like a few
years I like I said I didn't know I had
borderline so I didn't tell anyone like
I needed any kind of support because I
just didn't know so I'd go into work
feeling like a child inside possibly
looking grown-up on the outside and and
it just all kind of felt like I was
playing part in a film or something I
came in to work in my suit I'm so
responsible and I never really kind of
took my work seriously I'd go around odd
mess about with the other people in the
office I was always the Joker trying to
have fun
I would turn up late nearly every day
but I had a good way of like joking
around with the boss whoever was my boss
like with friends I'm becoming really
pally pally with them but then if they
pulled me up on the fact like Sarina We
Need to Talk always late
I would really take it as like a
rejection I would get really hurt by it
and I would go to the toilet cry and I
did because I couldn't handle it so I
thought you're my friend I didn't say
like this is my boss and I'm supposed to
be taking my job seriously here I'm
getting paid to be here and I was just
messing about and I always found that in
a lot of the offices not all of them
because the place that I worked
particularly on time I met some lovely
lovely girls there and I'm like still
friends with some of them on Facebook
but the majority of the time I found
girls to be very bitchy like if it was
lunchtime and they were all gonna go to
lunch they'd all say would you like to
go - don't you like asking each other
and they're completely blanking me and
the same if they're making tea they'd
all make tea for each other and I just
wouldn't even get asked and it was like
quite hard to deal with so I because
they I would I'd kinda go towards the
boys or the men and not in a sexual way
just like in a friend friendly way but I
would think that probably peed the girls
off even more but I couldn't control my
emotions even if I was at work if
something set me off something sent me
off I remember I was doing a temp job
and I'd only been out I was doing like
two days that was it I can't even
remember where it was and there I went
in a girl said something to me well I
went so mental at her like you would
have thought I was in a pub having a
brawl in a pub rather than I was sitting
in an off
the way I hold abuse and I just thought
I just full-on
and I got exported off the premises by
security and obviously I never went back
to that job but it wasn't always like
that
like hey said a lot of the time I would
just have fun but sometimes there were
days like when the Depression would get
hold of me well I don't make it up I
didn't want go to work I didn't wanna
talk to people and so I'd stay in bed
for days and I just wouldn't go in I
just won't turn off
I never like went to the HR department
and said look I need a bit of support
because I didn't know you see I just
didn't know what was wrong I I have no
idea um working was hard because you've
kind of got to be committed and I was
never really committed I never felt
responsible I kinda always felt like I
was just an actor playing this part of
this lady that goes to work I could make
friendships easily like I said I was a
joker and I could become really pally
with people and think they're my best
friend but very much like then if they
became friends with someone else that
would hurt me and then I'd be like
office with them and they're probably
like what the hell's going on and but I
just didn't understand it I wish I back
then I'd known because then maybe I
could have got the support I could have
tried to do recovery but then at the
same time things started to escalate
with the borderline and it started
getting to the point that I would drink
and I'd have a drink in my lunch hour
then a few drinks in my lunch ow
and eventually it got to the point that
I was just doing cocaine in the office I
had a new job and I was like put in
charge of like saying it was a new
company and they brought me in to help
with the sales and I was helping them
set up the system train up all new staff
and so you'd think this was such an
amazing opportunity and the people were
really nice there and I just completely
blew it because I was now going out the
dealer so I'd get in the drugs I'd bring
them in I'd sit in my office doing drugs
thinking no one noticed and then
sometimes I would go out at lunch and
one time I just didn't go back because I
was having a row with the boyfriend and
they phoned me they're like shereena
we've got a really important meeting and
I was like meeting because I was off my
face and I completely blew it I do feel
bad because they were really nice people
but I didn't know I was ill I didn't
know are suffering with borderline
personality disorder so for me it kind
of after that everything just spiraled
and it wasn't long after that I was put
on a mental health ward and I got my
diagnosis which was great because then I
wasn't working I finally knew what was
wrong and I could start to look at
recovery because I think it's very hard
to combine the two it's not impossible
I'm not saying it's impossible if you
want to be recovered you need to quit
your job that's not the case at all
because I do appreciate people have to
work and if you've got a job and you are
just managing then it is possible but
recovery takes a lot of work and
depending how much you put into it is
how much you get out of it so I would
say if you were working and you're
really struggling
I would speak to your employee prior ly
speak to your boss or speak to the HR
department explain look I've got this
diagnosis I have borderline personality
disorder this is what it is
and explain to them what it is and try
and get some support there and tell them
like I might be doing some DBT course
for example or I might have appointments
in my mental health team and so they
know you're not just keeping it all
secret and bottling it up because a lot
of people do because there is a stigma
attached and we don't want everyone to
know like we've got this because we feel
crazy enough without then thinking other
people think of us as well so I think
honesty like for yourself is so much
better because at least then people can
kind of understand what's going on for
you and maybe be like oh that's that's
why she's like behaving like this or and
then you can come in and say oh I'm
having a really bad day just tell them
and then in your spare time focus on
your recovery and put a lot of work into
that because it does take work
unfortunately it's not handed to us I
don't just like you're recovered I wish
it was like that that would be amazing
go around recovering people but it's not
it's not like that we have to put in the
work but like I've said in my other
videos it's so worth it so yeah it is
it's it's hard when you're working and
you've got this but do you think is that
being honest with people you don't have
to be honest with everyone in the office
until every single person but I mean if
you just taught your boss that I think
that would be really helpful to have
someone understand what you're going
through because you don't have to go
through on your own there are people out
there that do understand so
yes I think I believed that video there
I'm sure I'm gonna press stop and
remember loads of other things to say
but right now I can't think for me yeah
alright my lovelies
I will be back possibly Friday I think
now I'm all confused I thought today was
Tuesday so I thought I had tomorrow to
do videos and I don't it's because the
kids had the Monday off school so it's
completely throwing me out but yeah I'll
be back Friday bye