I always struggled in the work place. I used to feel people were against me a lot, especially other women. I struggled to hold down a job.
I'm lovelies today I'm gonna talk about borderline personality disorder and work I don't work at the moment but there was a time when I did work and it was actually during this time that my borderline personality disorder was like completely out of control and part of this time actually was before I even knew I had borderline I haven't had my diagnosis so it was a struggle but I did work and it's really weird actually because I kind I left school at if my hey levels are left school and like all my friends seem so grown-up like they had become adults and I felt like I was a child trapped in an adult's body every day I'd get ready for work I'd put my suit and I think but inside I really did not I did not feel responsible at all I just felt like a child trapped but I would go into work I worked at a few places there was one that I worked at a particularly longer time like a few years I like I said I didn't know I had borderline so I didn't tell anyone like I needed any kind of support because I just didn't know so I'd go into work feeling like a child inside possibly looking grown-up on the outside and and it just all kind of felt like I was playing part in a film or something I came in to work in my suit I'm so responsible and I never really kind of took my work seriously I'd go around odd mess about with the other people in the office I was always the Joker trying to have fun I would turn up late nearly every day but I had a good way of like joking around with the boss whoever was my boss like with friends I'm becoming really pally pally with them but then if they pulled me up on the fact like Sarina We Need to Talk always late I would really take it as like a rejection I would get really hurt by it and I would go to the toilet cry and I did because I couldn't handle it so I thought you're my friend I didn't say like this is my boss and I'm supposed to be taking my job seriously here I'm getting paid to be here and I was just messing about and I always found that in a lot of the offices not all of them because the place that I worked particularly on time I met some lovely lovely girls there and I'm like still friends with some of them on Facebook but the majority of the time I found girls to be very bitchy like if it was lunchtime and they were all gonna go to lunch they'd all say would you like to go - don't you like asking each other and they're completely blanking me and the same if they're making tea they'd all make tea for each other and I just wouldn't even get asked and it was like quite hard to deal with so I because they I would I'd kinda go towards the boys or the men and not in a sexual way just like in a friend friendly way but I would think that probably peed the girls off even more but I couldn't control my emotions even if I was at work if something set me off something sent me off I remember I was doing a temp job and I'd only been out I was doing like two days that was it I can't even remember where it was and there I went in a girl said something to me well I went so mental at her like you would have thought I was in a pub having a brawl in a pub rather than I was sitting in an off the way I hold abuse and I just thought I just full-on and I got exported off the premises by security and obviously I never went back to that job but it wasn't always like that like hey said a lot of the time I would just have fun but sometimes there were days like when the Depression would get hold of me well I don't make it up I didn't want go to work I didn't wanna talk to people and so I'd stay in bed for days and I just wouldn't go in I just won't turn off I never like went to the HR department and said look I need a bit of support because I didn't know you see I just didn't know what was wrong I I have no idea um working was hard because you've kind of got to be committed and I was never really committed I never felt responsible I kinda always felt like I was just an actor playing this part of this lady that goes to work I could make friendships easily like I said I was a joker and I could become really pally with people and think they're my best friend but very much like then if they became friends with someone else that would hurt me and then I'd be like office with them and they're probably like what the hell's going on and but I just didn't understand it I wish I back then I'd known because then maybe I could have got the support I could have tried to do recovery but then at the same time things started to escalate with the borderline and it started getting to the point that I would drink and I'd have a drink in my lunch hour then a few drinks in my lunch ow and eventually it got to the point that I was just doing cocaine in the office I had a new job and I was like put in charge of like saying it was a new company and they brought me in to help with the sales and I was helping them set up the system train up all new staff and so you'd think this was such an amazing opportunity and the people were really nice there and I just completely blew it because I was now going out the dealer so I'd get in the drugs I'd bring them in I'd sit in my office doing drugs thinking no one noticed and then sometimes I would go out at lunch and one time I just didn't go back because I was having a row with the boyfriend and they phoned me they're like shereena we've got a really important meeting and I was like meeting because I was off my face and I completely blew it I do feel bad because they were really nice people but I didn't know I was ill I didn't know are suffering with borderline personality disorder so for me it kind of after that everything just spiraled and it wasn't long after that I was put on a mental health ward and I got my diagnosis which was great because then I wasn't working I finally knew what was wrong and I could start to look at recovery because I think it's very hard to combine the two it's not impossible I'm not saying it's impossible if you want to be recovered you need to quit your job that's not the case at all because I do appreciate people have to work and if you've got a job and you are just managing then it is possible but recovery takes a lot of work and depending how much you put into it is how much you get out of it so I would say if you were working and you're really struggling I would speak to your employee prior ly speak to your boss or speak to the HR department explain look I've got this diagnosis I have borderline personality disorder this is what it is and explain to them what it is and try and get some support there and tell them like I might be doing some DBT course for example or I might have appointments in my mental health team and so they know you're not just keeping it all secret and bottling it up because a lot of people do because there is a stigma attached and we don't want everyone to know like we've got this because we feel crazy enough without then thinking other people think of us as well so I think honesty like for yourself is so much better because at least then people can kind of understand what's going on for you and maybe be like oh that's that's why she's like behaving like this or and then you can come in and say oh I'm having a really bad day just tell them and then in your spare time focus on your recovery and put a lot of work into that because it does take work unfortunately it's not handed to us I don't just like you're recovered I wish it was like that that would be amazing go around recovering people but it's not it's not like that we have to put in the work but like I've said in my other videos it's so worth it so yeah it is it's it's hard when you're working and you've got this but do you think is that being honest with people you don't have to be honest with everyone in the office until every single person but I mean if you just taught your boss that I think that would be really helpful to have someone understand what you're going through because you don't have to go through on your own there are people out there that do understand so yes I think I believed that video there I'm sure I'm gonna press stop and remember loads of other things to say but right now I can't think for me yeah alright my lovelies I will be back possibly Friday I think now I'm all confused I thought today was Tuesday so I thought I had tomorrow to do videos and I don't it's because the kids had the Monday off school so it's completely throwing me out but yeah I'll be back Friday bye
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