I have fabricated stroies most my life so people like me. I would also agree with anything anyone said just so they would accept me. I didn’t have my own opinion – and if I did I’d keep it to myself. In the end I didn’t even know what stories were true and which ones I had made up. People with BPD have a fear of abandonement and we go to any lengths to stop people abandoning us – even if it means telling lies or fabricating stories.
hi guys and you know the other day I did a video on compulsive lying and borderline personality disorder and a girl called leader got a lider I'm sorry if I'm pronouncing that wrong and left a message a comment talking about lies that she tells her people like her and she kind of inspired me to do this video so thank you because that was something I don't think I covered the lies we tell just so people like us and that has been something that I have done my whole life when I was 5 or 6 years old so I was in primary school I told my teacher that my dad was an airline pilot my dad worked at the airport but he wasn't an airline pilot and and the teacher was fascinated by this so I obviously I fed off that like she thinks it's good I was like the talking point sharina's dad sure his dad's an airline pilot yeah he travels all over the world and I went on and on with the story to the point that the teacher was like do you think your dad would come in and talk to the class and I said yeah because I don't know I just guessed it wouldn't happen well it couldn't happen unless my dad came in and talked about his job at the airport which I think was something to do with our gauge hey big car remember sorry dad yeah so the teacher phone my mom and said we were wondering if mr. Rooney would come in and talk about his job and my mom was like uh why and they're like the teachers have the whole class of fast hated him being an airline pilot and my mom had to tell her she doesn't know where that story came from he wasn't an airline pilot so now he wouldn't be coming in to discuss being an airline pilot um but I remember I just I was like the talk of the class and everyone was fascinated and asking me questions and it made me feel good it made me feel wanted part of accepted and so as far back as then like probably even before I was fabricating these stories so people liked liked me and an embarrassing thing happened true story when I was 18 and I had a boyfriend I got a boyfriend he was new and he told me he liked to pack and he liked to packs music now I was too embarrassed to say oh I've never heard of him so I said oh yeah I really like him too I went to his concert last year to which he replied how did you manage that and I said I hope my just went with friends up to London yes I didn't know 2pac was dead I didn't know who he was um so there are times that my stories have got me I'm stuck but it didn't stop me going on and fabricating more stories and they weren't always just big elaborate stories that would make people think wow and sometimes it was just tiny things like someone could say they watched a film and they liked it what do you like ask me what I thought and I'd go yeah yeah it was really good if I haven't seen it I'd say that if I'd seen it and hated the film I would still say that err because I've mentioned in other videos it kind of again is down to this fear of abandonment that we have and we want people to like us we want to feel accepted and we want we think if people like us and accept us they're not going to abandon us and this fear is so real that we do go to any length and and like I said it can be big made-up stories that we tell to little things like saying we like a certain outfit we like a certain music we've been to somewhere where we have them and just so people like us like we're agreeing with them like yeah yeah yeah I do yeah I do even if we don't and it wasn't until I got into recovery that I started building my self-esteem because when the borderline was completely out of control I had very low self-worth I had a real warped sense of self because I told so many little lies about things that I liked that didn't in the end it got to the point that I didn't even know what I did like because I think do I like that or have I just said it and sometimes I'll find myself putting on music and like going like this and thinking - like this or I might just listening to this because I've got people in the car that like listening to this so I want to seem like yeah I listen to good music just because they like it when actually it's not my sort of thing and so yeah I didn't know who I was I didn't know what I liked and then I came into recovery and I started building my self-esteem and questioning things like do I like that and finding a voice basically nowadays if a friend says to me I watch this film what do you think it was really really good and I didn't like it I wouldn't think twice is saying how could you like that was awful it was rubbish and but you know what the amazing thing is my friend doesn't abandon me when I say that people don't all of a sudden say oh you don't like that music oh I thought you did or don't like you then people don't do that they still accept me accept me even though I don't like what they like I don't have to like what they like and so it's been a real eye-opener so all these years I've just tried it I've tried it tried it I've tried it to fit in and I didn't have to do that because I can fit in we're all different we're all original unique and that's okay that's what makes the world go round I suppose and and I don't have to like everything that everyone else likes imagine how boring the place would be if everyone liked exactly the same thing I know it's really hard especially like when you're in your teens and you're at school and you're kind of trying to find your place like where you fit in and so it's very easy to just start saying yeah like this I like that too Finn because I remember when I was at school if anyone was a bit different or had a unique ideas oh they're different from us and it's so unfair it's like what school can be a really cool place well that was my experience anyway but yeah that was the amazing thing with recovery I have a voice I have an opinion I don't have to follow what everyone else says or do what everyone else says or like what everyone else likes I can be me and it has taken a timed like it has taken a while to find out who I am what I like because for so I didn't know it got to the point with me that I told so many stories there when I got into recovery and I would go to tell a story because I told it so many times before and then I'd just stop myself and think did that actually happen we'll have I made that whole thing up and I don't even know because it's almost become real to me because I've totaled the same thing time and time again and and even today there's some things I tell nothing actually I don't think that happened but it is nice having a voice today and being able to be myself and still be accepted and not get abandoned and it's really freeing and it feels really really good so right guys I'm gonna leave it there I love you all loads back
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.