hi my lovelies say hang on there so you
know I've been ill since December I kept
going to the doctor's gonna check my
ears and say yeah the red chip my
tonsils yeah they were enlarged and
round but they said it was viral nothing
they could do it got to the point I've
been ill for so long that I started
thinking maybe I was making it up in my
head and maybe I just didn't want to do
anything so I was telling myself I was
ill but I went to a specialist or doctor
last week and I got diagnosed with
sinusitis so it's an infection but it's
up in my sinuses so my eyes have been
hurrying and anyway I'm on six-week
course of antibiotics I did not even
know that yes it's week course of
antibiotics but I've been on them for
how long
half a week nearly a week as is and I am
feeling better so today I'm going to
talk about something someone asked me a
question and they asked light is at BPD
thing to always change your mind about
your ambitions and stuff you want to do
and so I said I'd do a video on it
because I have like so much experience
in this boy never stock that's anything
in my life ever I started the piano I
quit I did karate and I quit join the
gym and not quit and start writing a
book not quit like I just could not
stick with what I wanted to do and the
thing is I'd be so passionate about it
like when I first set out like I'm gonna
do this I'm gonna study there's I'll
tell everyone but not alone like
wouldn't take long before thing why am I
even doing this I don't enjoy it what's
the point
I'm not quit and I do think this is part
partly to do with BPD for sure obviously
I can't speak on half of you not from
like spirits I think so and I have a few
reasons for the
and one of them is the fact that we have
really unstable moods so while we're on
a high everything can seem so wonderful
because how perception differs so when
we're in that good mood anything can
seem like yes this is for me oh it's so
amazing but when our moon drops all of a
sudden the thing Lisa thought that was
so amazing doesn't seem so amazing now I
think another part is how black and
white thinking so when we decide we like
something we will look at all the
positives but as soon as that like
perception shifts and we start seeing
things as negative like black we can
only see the negatives so for example I
started doing a psychology course at the
Open University I did it for a year I
was like yes this is all I want to do
this is amazing I love it but actually
some of the topics I found quite boring
so when my mood shift order some I
didn't think of actually I enjoyed most
of it I liked going to lectures da da da
da da I could just think that this
subject isn't what I want to do it's
boring
there's too much work involved because I
did not feel passionate about it because
I could only think of the negatives so I
decided to change my mind and I wanted
to get into like geophysics to do with
like the earth and earthquakes and
volcanoes not like yes this is for me I
love this topic but again like learning
about earthquakes in there like when you
watch an exciting documentary on telly
that's really exciting but actually when
you're learning about different kinds of
rocks it doesn't become so exciting
anymore
and so I'll quit that and then I decided
actually I am really fascinated with
space I'm gonna learn about space and I
signed up for another Open University
course and I started doing there and I
was no good at it
partly because I did no work but um I
like again I was used to seeing like
these really exciting TV programs and
out where it's all just fun facts but
all of sudden I was being asked to
measure distance citizen stuff just just
like I don't care where is and I quit
and I've done this throughout my life
and I do think it's partly to do with
the high and low moods we have partly to
do without black-and-white thinking but
I also think on a subconscious level
we believe we're going to fail because
we can have an unstable or unclear
self-image we have low self-esteem and
that fear of failure is often huge
sometimes we don't we're not even
consciously aware of it but it is there
and so I think like looking back with me
some of the things I used to do I would
be passionate but it would get to a
point that I would be thinking no I'm
not gonna be the best at this because
that's another thing when we feel
passionately about something we want to
be the best so if I was our passion was
write in a book we would want it to be a
best-seller if our passion was doing
some kind of artwork we'd want it to be
so amazing that it goes on exhibitions
and missing galleries and stuff and if
we have any doubt that we're going to be
the best of the best there then we we
can't be positive about it anymore
it loses that attraction it loses that
excitement for us and therefore it
becomes easy
for us just to think no this isn't for
us and just put it down so how do you
get through this guys I suppose it's to
do with perseverance sticking at it
basically so if we feel passionate about
something when we start having some
negative thoughts coming and ignoring
them because we've got to see the gray
area there's always gonna be good and
bad in things a lot of the things that
like but we want to do will have some
negative aspects like for example it
might take up all that time it might
cost money to do it might take really
hard work and we can get so overcome we
quit but this is where we've got to not
do that we've got to really sit down and
try and remind ourselves of the positive
so maybe if you've got passion about
something
write down a list of why you're
passionate about it all the things you
love about it so when it comes to you
thinking negatively and badly about it
you can look at your list and see all
the positives about it it's all to do
with not actually quitting and just
forcing ourselves just to keep going now
if you've been doing something for six
years or four years and you hate it then
you probably shouldn't carry on because
that is a long enough time to know if
it's right for you but what I'm saying
is if you've been doing something for
six months and you loved it and all of a
sudden you can't stand it you think it's
the worst idea in the world it's rubbish
actually don't let that thought control
what you do continue with what you're
doing
remind yourself of the positives and
hopefully by doing that
when your mood picks back up or when you
start seeing and white again you'll feel
even more passionate about this thing
and then it's less likely to consume you
as much when you think badly of again
because you've already been through the
first tough hurdle of I hate this and
you've stuck with it so the next time it
will become a bit easier and the time on
hiccuping and the time after that it'll
become a bit easier so um yeah just
stick with it but like I said if you've
been with it for years and you hate it
maybe it's time to change what you're
doing now I'm talking more about you
know short term when we just change our
mind every other day about what we want
to do and where we want to be in life so
I've got a favor to ask you guys my
little kitty Severus who often appears
in some of my videos has gone missing
I'm absolutely devastated at the moment
I've gone out pretty like flyers through
people's doors
I've hung signs up on social media and
desperately desperately want to find my
kitty
his brother Remus is still here so
please say a little prayer if you pray
and if you don't just ask the universe
if you do that and if you don't just
think positive because I really want my
kids back I'm missing him so much is
it's absolutely devastating him gone but
I'm trying I'm basically distracting
every single day at the moment to kind
of take my mind off of it and I'm hoping
he will just walk through the door any
day soon so alright guys I'll be back in
a week I love you all later