I used to HATE the fact that a partner had a past. The thought that they had been with anyone else (even though it was before I’d ever met them!) made me feel really angry at them!

hi guys this is my next video I'm trying
to be quick because the kids are on the
way home and it would be chaos soon I
mean I would do the video with them here
running around but you wouldn't hear me
so I'm going to talk about jealousy in
relationships when you've got borderline
personality disorder I don't even think
it's just for online personality
disorder because what you find a lot of
people can have a few of the book BPD
traits but not actually meet the BPD
criteria I think everyone at some point
has some of the traits so it's not just
for us but it's something that we deal
with a lot yeah jealousy but not just
jealous like my man's gonna cheat mom as
we connect that girl jealous over your
partner's ex or jealous over your
partner's past now I used to have
boyfriends and it used to really piss me
off that they had a past I mean
everyone's got past I've got a past past
that I'm not very proud of really but
everyone has a past but it used to
really anger me I couldn't bear the
thought that my partner would have been
with someone else
I mean luckily I don't feel that now
because at my age I'm very highly
unlikely to meet someone that has never
been with someone before it is kind of
it just everyone's been with someone
pretty much and it's accepting that but
it's really hard I used to get so
jealous I am very lucky and the fact
that back when my BPD was completely
controlling my life there wasn't really
social media I mean it would started
it's not like social media is now if it
had been I would have been on social
media stalking my boyfriend's exes
that's what I would have done but I
couldn't do that so instead I would
search around the house see if they have
any photos and if they had any photos
that to me would be proof well they
still love her they want to be with her
now obviously
everyone's that passed and yes he might
have been with someone but I like to
think now that people move up like if
someone's not with someone they're not
going to go well I'll get with someone
not as good they all I think they've get
with someone better so if you are going
through it and you were the new
girlfriend you are a step up and it is
reminding yourself for that but our
self-esteem is low low low low and we
are life filled with insecurities and in
our head we think well if they were with
that person that's the sort person they
like now I know for me that if I had a
boyfriend and he had an ex who was blond
I wouldn't think well he likes blondes
and brunettes because I'm brunette and
he's with me I would think he likes
blondes and I would go and bleach my
hair and look like a complete moron
because it doesn't suit me and be blunt
because I would have it in my head that
they've still wanted their ex not me
and it makes absolutely no sense looking
back now or hang on I'm the current
girlfriend hello
and that's what I would say to you your
partner is with you it's really hard
because I know we can look back I mean I
got to the point that I used to blame my
pants that I'll bet you Banco view of X
and I hated doing it and I hated doing
it because the last thing I wanted to do
like was put a thought of his ex in his
head because then I'd say it and then
I'd beat myself up and think well he's
going to now because I've mentioned it
he's definitely going to now and it was
completely crazy thinking and basically
you've just got to stop if you are from
a stalk from a social media asking about
them it's basically your mind doing your
own mind head in a lady that used to run
the treatment centre I went to you used
to say
do your mind is like a bad part of town
do not go there on your own
and that makes sense to me now because
if I was on my own and I have social
media and I was in that place I'll start
thinking I find a picture of his
excellent oh she's so pretty I'll find a
better picture da da da and it's like I
had this little nasty horrid little
monster inside me and every time I did
something it would feed that monster and
that monster will grow and grow and grow
you won't get rid of that monster it is
just going to grow you need to save
right enough is enough it's really hard
I'm not saying it's easy but next time
you want to go and stalk them on social
media or have a little dig because
that's what I used to do have constant
get dates that oh well you like blonds
don't you like it constantly
next time gonna do that stop yourself be
conscious of it and think right distract
do something to distract it could we go
for a run it could be cook meal what
you're funny Phil whatever but distract
yourself and it isn't easy but as the
days go on you will find that that
monster because it is not getting fed
it's getting smaller and smaller and
smaller and then it's easier and easier
for you because the way you're feeling
is not helpful you could potentially
damage a perfectly good relationship
you've got to remember your partner is
with you they're not with you want you
to be with someone else they want to be
with you that I know what it's like
because we make it really hard on
ourselves and we actually end up pushing
them away because we're constantly on
and on and on and I think I Drive I
would drive in on that but um it is kind
of recognizing it recognizing this is
not helpful it is about finding recovery
if you've got borderline personality
disorder and you start getting treatment
what you'll find is your recovery
process goes on your confidence will
build your self-esteem will build and a
those insecurities naturally just go
away anyway but it takes time it's not
going to happen straight away but in the
meantime you have to just start making a
conscious effort to just be aware that
it's just a thought and letting it go
thinking don't be stupid
oh you think oh he likes his there no
why would he like his actual ease with
you you're stunning you know and just
accepting he is with you and you have
the potential to destroy this
relationship by getting so wound up
about his past and angry at him for
having a past when actually you need to
focus on the present I've said it before
so often we are either so eaten up with
guilt or resentments from our past and
dwelling on that so much or we're so
eaten up worrying about the future he's
gonna leave me he's gonna cheat on me
he's gonna go of my ex and I would say
to you do you have a crystal ball are
you a fortune-teller
say how do you knew that know this you
don't it's your mind it is your mind and
your mind is out to get you and when you
start thinking like that when you start
going into the past or you start going
into the future just bring your mind
straight back think no focus on the here
and now
that's where mindfulness comes in handy
that's the DBT skill I learned and
there's books on mindfulness a stress
about keeping it in the moment
ah I've just seen the car my kitties are
back so I'm gonna have to wrap up its
view but yeah you I think once your
self-esteem starts building you'll
realize you're worth so much more and
why worried about someone damaged goods
ah le vol ya like your partners with you
they love you and you I know it's hard
to see that but it is accepting that and
I think it will get easier but you do
have to make that conscious effort just
to stop your mind driving you insane
so I hope that helped if I missed
anything out again feel free to message
me and let me know and ask any questions
but yeah have a wonderful wonderful
it's my partner's grandson's birthday
this weekend so we came to his birthday
I am going to my mom's and I am child
free because the older two were at their
dad's and my partner is having my
youngest yeah so I've got a night off
I'm not doing anything crazy I am going
to my mum's I long gonna sit and spend
some time with my little brother
I say yo he's that play too but um yeah
I think it's been some time with him and
I'm really looking forward to it because
it's my mom my stepdad my bro hold this
my buzzer and I never get spend time
with any of them and I mean my stepdads
amazing as well he's done so much for me
and my mom I'm so close with my mom but
I never get to talk to her when the kids
are here because I'm running out like a
loon so I better go get my buzzer I have
a great weekend and I'll be back on
Monday yeah all right guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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