We can suffer with black and white thinking and push our inlaws away – how can we cope with this especially if they don’t  know we have BPD.

hi guys I have been trying to do a video
since 10 o'clock this morning
it is now half 2:00 in the afternoon I
collect the kids at three and little
lady hasn't let me do a video she's just
been very windy today and so I have to
speed up a bit I am doing a video
request from a girl and she asked me to
talk about borderline personality
disorder and coping with your in-laws
lovely subjects death when you push them
away there's black and white thinking
regarding them and how do you cope with
a when they don't even know you have
borderline so thinking myself I can kill
myself obviously I've got my partner and
I've got his in-laws and I can throw my
ex-husband and his family because
they're the two main relationships that
I have had and I have been very
fortunate in both in fact that the
families are lovely and and actually in
my divorce that was the one thing like
not only did I lose my ex-husband
obviously I'd made the choice to divorce
but I kinda lost the family as well
because I was close with his family they
were very nice and yeah I found it very
difficult to the point that I was like I
should just contact them and give my
side of the story but then I thought why
would I do that to him because it's his
family I don't know what he said to them
and what does it matter really like it
is his family and so I've just got to
kind of let things go but that was that
because I was lucky and they were nice
and my partner now his family are lovely
and I'm not just saying yet because I'm
with him and because they don't watch my
videos he doesn't watch my videos so I
can say what one really but um yeah I
have been fortunate but even though I
have been fortunate I can get
black-and-white thinking and I can be
with indoors and think they're amazing
and how you've all got come over to ours
and stay
and I can be like that and then two days
later when I'm at home thinking why did
I say that I don't want anyone coming
around here because of my bad mood all
right please then please let me do the
video look can you see yourself who's
that can you see Lottie
look she's that who's that who's that
still gonna grump how are you that is a
very grumpy face I just bounces your
feet you putting me off I have to let me
do it I'm really sorry guys but it was
literally have grumpy on my shoulder or
not do a video ah so I decided to have
fun on my shoulder
she's just been fed and everything's I
know she's younger she's not got weird
that's it you watch the clock you clock
what Wow tell me the time huh right so
yeah waking up black-and-white thinking
but I think actually it's not even just
people with borderline that get this I
think anyone can oh you're smiling at a
anyone can struggle with the renewals
because basically you meet your partner
you love your partner but they come with
a family who you don't really know but
because your partner loves the families
you're you kind of expected to just like
that now they're my family too
and it's hard because they haven't
raised you you haven't been in their
family all your life it is new um but at
the same time you want them to like you
you want to get on well if they've like
your partner's been raised in a
different way they might have different
beliefs or just do things differently
and it can be anything like different
beliefs in how you raise your children
different briefs in money different
beliefs in family life and
that can then bring up problems and make
you feel not as close to them if they
kind of got completely different views
that you have um like my partner gets on
really well with my mum I see my mum if
but I used to see my mum everyday but if
my mum
all of a sudden moved hick'ry she lives
two hours away and she moved here and
was round every day I'm pretty sure it
would annoy my partner like he hasn't
ever said that well I guess that because
the other way round if I was all of a
sudden having to see his family all the
time that would probably not make me
feel so great and that's not in a horrid
way but I'm like that with anyone I'm
not a real people person like I'm busy
and I'm set in my routine and anything
that would put me out would really put
me out and I know with like my
ex-husband one of the main arguments was
back then I used to see my mum every
single day and weird to see his mum once
a week and that really irritated him
well you see one mum every day why don't
you see my mum off day well because it's
not my mum like it's the relationships
different but because it's his mum he
doesn't get it if you know what I mean
now I see my mum comes every other week
down and I see her but she does that
more to take the kids out there with her
and we see my partner's family probably
every couple of months they live an hour
away and he's never really like said I
think it's because he's got a different
relationship with his family whereas I
speak to my mum every day on the phone
he doesn't so it's just different but he
hasn't said that to me I don't even know
why I'm saying I'm so busy bouncing her
trying to not make trying for her not to
cry and get this video done so I can get
a next one done for Friday
and so yes I think anyone can have funny
feelings towards your in-laws because we
haven't been raised by them we might
have different beliefs and whereas I
think my beliefs arrived a thing their
beefs it all right and that's where you
can clash like I am fortunate but even
like me I can have black-and-white
thinking have I said that already
I probably have I just filmed this video
a minute ago and she screamed throughout
it and now I can't remember what I said
in this video what I've said in that
video or if I'm repeating myself you've
written me off I really oh um so yeah
anyone can struggle you hear about the
evil mother-in-law's all the time don't
you and I think that's because mothers
and their sons can be close but also
more than their daughters can be close
and then obviously the partners can be
close but just because you and your
partner are close it doesn't mean
automatically that you're going to love
his mom or his dad or whoever like you
love him or like you love your own
parents because it is different and if
you've got borderline personality
and you think that yeah I pushed them
it's recognizing it and recognizing
right the thing is when you start
becoming self-aware and you know that
youth you're thinking it's very
black-and-white and you can recognize
when you do it I would say talk to your
partner about it like if he knows you've
got order
or she knows you've got borderline say
like this is how I think it's very
black-and-white and this is how I'm
freaking around your family and right
now my feelings and my thinking is black
I think this but I know it's because of
the borderline um and if your partner
understands out rather than just taking
offense because I say that because if my
partner said something that I thought
was slightly negative about my mom I
would get very defensive
no one says things about mum or me like
I'm lucky he doesn't and I don't he
wouldn't he wouldn't but no I am lucky
but because I'm like that I know how
defensive or I'd get if someone said
something about my family
I've got to respect if I said something
bad about his family he's got just as
much right to get quite defensive over
that but I know for me because of my the
way I am if I said something said just
say I said something negative about my
partner's family and then my partner got
defensive I could very easily think
you're taking sides it's not even about
taking sides but I would think you're
taking sides you're siding with your
being family like that is how I would
think you know actually it's not true
because if it's done it the other way
around I'd get defensive and it's not
I'm taking sides it's actually maybe I
am taking sides but no no it's not I'm
not taking sides I'm just standing up
for people that I love and so why
shouldn't he stand up for people that he
loves because hopefully if his family
said something about me he would stand
up for me and again it's not taking
sides it's just standing up for who you
love but um it is a hard one I don't
relationship with in-laws are always
easy but like I said it's not just
people with BPD I think that like across
the board that is I think for me if I
was going through a bad time and I
didn't see his family it's not I don't
want to see its family I don't want to
see anyone when I'm in a mood I don't
want to see anyone but I would possibly
talk to a partner about it and hopefully
hopefully he will understand
and depending how long you've been with
your partner perhaps you should think
about maybe I could open up and talk to
his mom or his sister or brother or
something again I am very fortunate my
partner now his family they know about
my mental health and I talked to them
about it was it this Christmas last
Christmas I had a really bad turn and I
went down there after and I was like I
was in such a mood not just kind of
explained it and by doing that they then
thing always not she just doesn't want
to see us is she's actually suffering
with her mental health and so it is
sometimes helpful to be honest even
though it's quite difficult to do so
she's poor Dennis
but I'm scared if I stop bouncing Harsha
wake up maybe not
all right I'm gonna go guys I don't know
if I made any sense in that video at all
really if you are doing the pushing away
thing maybe it's best to spend some time
on your own
talk to your partner and be honest and
yeah I'm going to leave that there and
try and I got about 10 minutes to LA to
pick kids say oh don't wake um yeah love
you bye
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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