I used to think a partner could fix me and make me better…so long as they did what I wanted them to do. If they did something that upset me I would threaten to self-harm – if they still didn’t listen to what I wanted I would then go ahead and self-harm and then I would blame them for it. I could not see that I was to blame in any way. I sometimes wanted to hurt them because I was hurting. I would blackmail, abuse and basically be a really nasty person if I felt what they were doing was out of my control.
hi guys happy hey it is a very happy Friday for me it is Friday the 13th of October and it's my birthday um yeah my birthday is on Friday 13th I have no plans I will probably get takeout with the kids later which will be nice and my father obviously em every year I used to spend my birthday evening crying because I thought because it's my birthday it's going to be the best day in the whole wide world and nothing will go wrong and I would have such high expectations for the day and my birthday never met my expectations and I would always end up crying at the end of the day and that I was like that for years and years public it's um but I haven't done it the past few years and I think that's because I have new expectations anymore it's just another day yes it's my birthday but I'll enjoy it with the kids and that's cool and I really enjoyed doing that just not going out not doing it anything big just enjoying it the kids and I love it so any hope today I'm doing a video request from mother hi Martha and Martha asked me about when we become so obsessed with a partner like so obsessed now the borderline personality trait were one of the traits that we have is intense and unstable relationships now all my relationships were so intense and so unstable I think they were unstable because of the intensity now what kind of intense am I talking okay one guy I met I was with him two days and I got his name tattooed on my leg now that's because I was like oh my god we're gonna beat a cat that forever I don't mind having his name put on my leg we broke up after two weeks I have had his name lasered off but that's what I mean I I would literally throw myself into a relationship now that relationship only lasted two weeks but that was actually quite unusual for me if I got with someone I'd be like oh my god I love them so much and usually the relationship would last at least a year I do not know how they put up with me for at least a year but they did and and I would literally become obsessed with the person I only had eyes for them I would put them up on this pedestal where I just thought they could do no wrong and I would do everything for them because I wanted them to look at me like I was the perfect person like I looked at them like they were the perfect person so I would just go out my way and just do so much for them which I know I have talked about in another video as well but with borderline we also have our black-and-white thinking so I can be like oh my god they're so amazing I love all them and I will do anything for them and then one day I can wake up and all of a sudden they have fallen off their pedestal for reasons that are unknown to them and sometimes not even known by me they have just fallen they've come crashing down and I despise them and I'm really cold and so I must have been very difficult to deal with because I literally go from idolizing this person to not wanting to talk to them not wanting them to touch me like just being really cold and we draw with our key and then all us are nothing oh nothing so much I don't know if I love the drama of the big all human and then just wanting to be like no makeup I don't know but yeah after a good old argument things tended to be good for a few weeks until they came crashing down again for reasons that they still don't know I still don't know but even when they came crashing down and I could be like hating them I could still be obsessed with them wanting them around like hating them but thinking why are you going out you should be here with me where I can ignore you like it's really harsh actually now that I look back but I kind of I would get in a relationship and I would make this person my world I would stop kind of talking to my family I would stop talking to my friends if my whole life would be around this person this person was the center of my world and I just went round and round and round them and I took so many things as rejection if they wanted to go and see a friend I would be so hurt because I think oh my god like I haven't spoken to my friends because I've made you my world and now you're going to go and see your friends well clearly I'm not your world and that's how I would take it I would not see that actually them seeing their friend is quite healthy and quite a normal thing to do I would take it as abandonment basically like they would rather see their mates than me and I was the same if they wanted to go to work to earn a living because I wasn't working at the time and I would often think well why do you have to work why can't we just stay here like it was reality I I wasn't thinking straight I didn't eat like the thought of well they've got to pay their mortgage they've got to pay their bills none of that crossed my mind I would just think why are you going to work why are you not just spending your days sitting with me why and I could not understand like oh if it's that where we don't think logically do we were thinking with our emotional mind and that well sorry get to the table and that is what I do I would just be thinking with my emotional mind and no logic no rational came into it it was I adore this person and they have to want me exactly the same amount back and if they do they will give up work they will give up their friends they will give up their family and they live here with me in my pocket and obviously that's not real life people do want to see their friends they do want to go out but I just I didn't I couldn't cope with it it would cause the worst arguments and I I used to be outright like spiteful I would make threats and so if say a partner's like I'm going out with the lads for a pint down the pub and I'd be like no you're not you're staying here marinara and I'll just probably kick off and obviously they wouldn't stay there especially as I spoke to them in that way they would go off down the pub and I would self-harm I would get myself in such a state or headbutt walls they'd come back I'd have lumps on my head I was known to overdose so they would walk through the door and find me on the floor I would be phoning them screaming down the phone like a complete maniac and because the anger inside me I not control it because I suppose my anger ain't angwa and what anger my anger anger equaled the intensity that I kinda loved this person well I obsessed of them and because I love them and obsessed over them so much and they weren't play in the game basically they were they were having their own life and my anger would equal that intensity and I was I was I was absolutely awful I can look back now kinda see like how that wasn't normal at the time I couldn't at the time I couldn't think rationally I couldn't see how my way of thinking wasn't accurate I I didn't think I knew I was obsessed with the person and I knew I fell in tensley about them but again I kind of thought it was normal I didn't see it as unhealthy I kind of thought well hang on isn't this what love is isn't this what a relationship is about you make this person your world they make you their world and I'm doing making them my world and they're not making me their world this is unfair and I feel so deeply hurt it would come out in a really violent vicious nasty way and then like I said up we would have a big brow and I'd feel how to know if I felt wanted again or often I just found it would clear the air and then we would talk and I'd feel like I had all the attention again and life would go back on in an unhealthy way until next time they want to go out and do something and see someone other than me and because in my head if they were going out with their hands for a pint why couldn't I come why could I not be there we are supposed to be soul mates I should be coming with you to have a pint with the lads I it didn't cross my mind er actually guys sometimes neat guy time just like girls need girl time but I used to give up my girl time and just not bother phoning my friends not bother seeing them and like I said so I expected this poor guy to do exactly the same I think part of it like them having a job and going out doing things without me it fell out of my control I wanted to control everything around me I've talked before that a low self-esteem a fear of abandonment and all these things come into play as well when the partner in question is not with me so whilst they're with me and they're sat watching telly with me my favorite of abandonment is okay I'm not really so fearful my self-esteem no it's not high but it's not so bad but all of a sudden when they go away from me I start getting the intrusive thoughts like he'll be looking at someone else and I start feeling bad about myself and then it's he's going to leave me and then the abuse would start because I would have to phone up and be like get home Oh like completely unacceptable behavior I know now but I literally didn't I I didn't think I was behaving in a bad way at the time I thought that was I had every right - peppy behaving like that and they were completely in the wrong and the obsession is so unhealthy because it completely consumes us and the thing is when we make this one person at our world we kind of forget actually they're human they can make mistakes and they might say the wrong thing to us they might do the wrong thing but they are human and we forget that and because we've made them our worlds when they do do the slightest thing wrong it feels like our world has come crashing down and we react in a way like our world has come crashing down because that is how we feel that is how intensely hurt and angry that we are and so it I would always say to you I mean keep your friends try and realize that it is never wise to make someone your home world or think someone can do no wrong because people are human and I used to also think like if a partner was with me I was fine everything was fine everything was great but when they weren't with me everything was bad so I always thought that the partner I needed them in my life because they could fix me they made me better when we were together I felt okay and so they were like my medication and I was kind of using them to make myself feel better but what I realize now is that only I can make myself feel better someone else cannot fix me and in thinking that they can is actually very dangerous because I will rely on them to make me feel better rather than actually going out and thinking right what can I do that's helpful and that can actually help me because I know with what if I was especially in the beginning of a relationship if I had say an anger management course or something to help me with my mental health or I that partner was gonna go down the pub I would just not go to my mental health course I would go with my partner so I would put them before my own recovery because I thought by being them I was recovering even though I wasn't if that makes sense so I'm going to leave that there my lovelies but I hope you all have a wonderful weekend love you all
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