I used to think a partner could fix me and make me better…so long as they did what I wanted them to do. If they did something that upset me I would threaten to self-harm – if they still didn’t listen to what I wanted I would then go ahead and self-harm and then I would blame them for it. I could not see that I was to blame in any way. I sometimes wanted to hurt them because I was hurting. I would blackmail, abuse and basically be a really nasty person if I felt what they were doing was out of my control.

Transcript:
hi guys happy hey it is a very happy
Friday for me it is Friday the 13th of
October and it's my birthday um yeah my
birthday is on Friday 13th I have no
plans I will probably get takeout with
the kids later which will be nice and my
father obviously em every year I used to
spend my birthday evening crying because
I thought because it's my birthday it's
going to be the best day in the whole
wide world and nothing will go wrong and
I would have such high expectations for
the day and my birthday never met my
expectations and I would always end up
crying at the end of the day and that I
was like that for years and years public
it's um but I haven't done it the past
few years and I think that's because I
have new expectations anymore
it's just another day yes it's my
birthday but I'll enjoy it with the kids
and that's cool and I really enjoyed
doing that just not going out not doing
it anything big just enjoying it the
kids and I love it
so any hope today I'm doing a video
request from mother hi Martha and Martha
asked me about when we become so
obsessed with a partner like so obsessed
now the borderline personality trait
were one of the traits that we have is
intense and unstable relationships now
all my relationships were so intense and
so unstable I think they were unstable
because of the intensity now what kind
of intense am I talking okay one guy I
met I was with him two days and I got
his name tattooed on my leg
now that's because I was like oh my god
we're gonna beat a cat that forever I
don't mind having his name put on my leg
we broke up after two weeks I have had
his name lasered off but that's what I
mean I I would literally throw myself
into a relationship now that
relationship only lasted two weeks but
that was actually quite unusual for me
if I got with someone I'd be like oh my
god I love them so much and usually the
relationship would last at least a year
I do not know how they put up with me
for at least a year but they did and and
I would literally become obsessed with
the person I only had eyes for them I
would put them up on this pedestal where
I just thought they could do no wrong
and I would do everything for them
because I wanted them to look at me like
I was the perfect person like I looked
at them like they were the perfect
person so I would just go out my way and
just do so much for them which I know I
have talked about in another video as
well but with borderline we also have
our black-and-white thinking so I can be
like oh my god they're so amazing I love
all them and I will do anything for them
and then one day I can wake up and all
of a sudden they have fallen off their
pedestal for reasons that are unknown to
them and sometimes not even known by me
they have just fallen
they've come crashing down and I despise
them and I'm really cold and so I must
have been very difficult to deal with
because I literally go from idolizing
this person to not wanting to talk to
them not wanting them to touch me like
just being really cold and
we draw with our key and then all us are
nothing oh nothing so much I don't know
if I love the drama of the big all human
and then just wanting to be like no
makeup I don't know but yeah after a
good old argument things tended to be
good for a few weeks until they came
crashing down again for reasons that
they still don't know I still don't know
but even when they came crashing down
and I could be like hating them I could
still be obsessed with them wanting them
around like hating them but thinking why
are you going out you should be here
with me where I can ignore you like it's
really harsh actually now that I look
back but I kind of I would get in a
relationship and I would make this
person my world I would stop kind of
talking to my family I would stop
talking to my friends if my whole life
would be around this person this person
was the center of my world and I just
went round and round and round them and
I took so many things as rejection if
they wanted to go and see a friend I
would be so hurt because I think oh my
god like I haven't spoken to my friends
because I've made you my world and now
you're going to go and see your friends
well clearly I'm not your world and
that's how I would take it I would not
see that actually them seeing their
friend is quite healthy and quite a
normal thing to do I would take it as
abandonment basically like they would
rather see their mates than me and I was
the same if they wanted to go to work to
earn a living because I wasn't working
at the time and I would often think well
why do you have to work why can't we
just stay here like it was reality
I I wasn't thinking straight I didn't
eat like the thought of well they've got
to pay their mortgage they've got to pay
their bills
none of that crossed my mind I would
just think why are you going to work why
are you not just spending your days
sitting with me why and I could not
understand like oh if it's that where we
don't think logically do we were
thinking with our emotional mind and
that well sorry get to the table and
that is what I do I would just be
thinking with my emotional mind and no
logic no rational came into it it was I
adore this person and they have to want
me exactly the same amount back and if
they do they will give up work they will
give up their friends they will give up
their family and they live here with me
in my pocket and obviously that's not
real life people do want to see their
friends they do want to go out but I
just I didn't I couldn't cope with it it
would cause the worst arguments and I I
used to be outright like spiteful I
would make threats and so if say a
partner's like I'm going out with the
lads for a pint down the pub and I'd be
like no you're not you're staying here
marinara and I'll just probably kick off
and obviously they wouldn't stay there
especially as I spoke to them in that
way they would go off down the pub and I
would self-harm I would get myself in
such a state or headbutt walls they'd
come back I'd have lumps on my head I
was known to overdose so they would walk
through the door and find me on the
floor
I would be phoning them screaming down
the phone like a complete maniac and
because the anger inside me I not
control it because I suppose my anger
ain't angwa and what anger my anger
anger equaled the intensity that I kinda
loved this person well I obsessed of
them and because I love them and
obsessed over them so much and they
weren't play in the game basically they
were they were having their own life and
my anger would equal that intensity and
I was I was I was absolutely awful I can
look back now kinda see like how that
wasn't normal at the time I couldn't at
the time I couldn't think rationally I
couldn't see how my way of thinking
wasn't accurate I I didn't think I knew
I was obsessed with the person and I
knew I fell in tensley about them but
again I kind of thought it was normal I
didn't see it as unhealthy I kind of
thought well hang on isn't this what
love is
isn't this what a relationship is about
you make this person your world they
make you their world and I'm doing
making them my world and they're not
making me their world this is unfair and
I feel so deeply hurt it would come out
in a really violent vicious nasty way
and then like I said up we would have a
big brow and I'd feel how to know if I
felt wanted again or often I just found
it would clear the air and then we would
talk and I'd feel like I had all the
attention again and life would go back
on in an unhealthy way until next time
they want to go out and do something and
see someone other than me and because in
my head if they were going out with
their hands for a pint
why couldn't I come why could I not be
there we are supposed to be soul mates I
should be coming with you to have a pint
with the lads I it didn't cross my mind
er actually guys sometimes neat guy time
just like girls need girl time but I
used to give up my girl time and just
not bother phoning my friends not bother
seeing them and like I said so I
expected this poor guy to do exactly the
same I think part of it like them having
a job and going out doing things without
me it fell out of my control I wanted to
control everything around me I've talked
before that a low self-esteem a fear of
abandonment and all these things come
into play as well when the partner in
question is not with me so whilst
they're with me and they're sat watching
telly with me my favorite of abandonment
is okay I'm not really so fearful my
self-esteem no it's not high but it's
not so bad but all of a sudden when they
go away from me
I start getting the intrusive thoughts
like he'll be looking at someone else
and I start feeling bad about myself and
then it's he's going to leave me and
then the abuse would start because I
would have to phone up and be like get
home Oh like completely unacceptable
behavior I know now but I literally
didn't I I didn't think I was behaving
in a bad way at the time I thought that
was I had every right
- peppy behaving like that and they were
completely in the wrong and the
obsession is so unhealthy because it
completely consumes us and the thing is
when we make this one person at our
world we kind of forget actually they're
human they can make mistakes and they
might say the wrong thing to us they
might do the wrong thing but they are
human and we forget that and because
we've made them our worlds when they do
do the slightest thing wrong it feels
like our world has come crashing down
and we react in a way like our world has
come crashing down because that is how
we feel that is how intensely hurt and
angry that we are and so it I would
always say to you I mean keep your
friends try and realize that it is never
wise to make someone your home world or
think someone can do no wrong because
people are human and I used to also
think like if a partner was with me I
was fine everything was fine everything
was great but when they weren't with me
everything was bad so I always thought
that the partner I needed them in my
life because they could fix me they made
me better when we were together I felt
okay and so they were like my medication
and I was kind of using them to make
myself feel better
but what I realize now is that only I
can make myself feel better someone else
cannot fix me and in thinking that they
can is actually very dangerous because I
will rely on them to make me feel better
rather than actually going out and
thinking right what can I do that's
helpful
and that can actually help me because I
know with what if I was especially in
the beginning of a relationship if I had
say an anger management course or
something to help me with my mental
health or I that partner was gonna go
down the pub I would just not go to my
mental health course I would go with my
partner so I would put them before my
own recovery because I thought by being
them I was recovering even though I
wasn't if that makes sense so I'm going
to leave that there my lovelies but I
hope you all have a wonderful weekend
love you all
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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