Our fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, bad self image and paranoia all add to how we can perceive something to be rejection. And rejection hurts – a lot!

hi me lovelies happy Monday today I'm
doing a video request I got to excuse
the hair it's really big I haven't done
anything today I'm doing a video request
from sona lucena and she asked me about
hurt from rejection as borderlines as
people with borderline we have a real
fear of abandonment anyway we have bad
self-image low self-esteem we can get
paranoid and it's all these kind of
symptoms they can add to that feeling of
rejection and often we can feel rejected
when we weren't rejected but we perceive
it as rejection and we feel it like it
was rejection is the worst feeling in
the world because already we have this
fear people are going to abandon us we
already feel really rubbish about
ourselves we think we're unlovable and
so when we perceive something to be
rejection and that's just what we
perceive it when we actually all reject
it because don't get me wrong we can be
rejected anyone can suffer rejection I'm
not just talking about in a real at
miller real antic romantic relationship
was gonna romantic relationship but also
like job interviews just socially with
friends and there's a lot of sort of
times things are gonna come up what we
can get rejected now I know I haven't
done my brain workshops yet but I will
be doing them and I I kind of mentioned
in the beginning when discussing
personality disorders our personalities
are there for a reason to try and help
us fit in obviously when we have a
personality disorder that's when our
personality is actually not letting us
do that and I kind of explained that the
human species we are social animals we
live and work well together
and so someone who doesn't have a
personality disorder if they get
rejected they're not gonna be happy
about it
there are probably whoa she didn't want
to go out with me again
or didn't get the job because rejection
doesn't feel good because we want to be
part of but that is someone without a
personality disorder then you have us
the personality disorders and rejection
feels a million billion trillion times
worse and it hurts it hurts so not now I
have been rejected throughout my life I
think it wouldn't be normal if I'd gone
through life and not ever come come up
against time when that I've been
rejected but there are also plenty of
times where I perceived that I was
rejected when looking back I wasn't one
instance I'm sure I've told this story
I've sat down to pop with my friend and
we were chatting and another girl came
and sat down and my friend started
chatting to her and that didn't make me
feel so good
I um in my head it was like oh she
doesn't want to talk to me more she
clearly thinks that girl is much more
fun to be around
she would prefer her to be her friend
and I may as well not even be here and I
got really hurt like really hurt like I
felt like I'd been punched in the gut
her like because we feel everything so
much more intensely this is part of
borderline we have emotion dysregulation
really intense emotions we fear
abandonment anyway
so when we feel someone is rejecting us
it's almost like I knew it I knew that
was gonna happen again it goes back to
our self-esteem because we're worthless
that's how we feel and I knew I haven't
done the brain workshop yeah I'm sure I
just said that it's mumbay guys if I
just said and I'm saying it again I'm
sorry but this basically compose myself
basically the limbic system which I
believe is somewhere about here which is
has the amygdala is responsible for
emotions and how we feel it is highly
sensitive in someone with borderline
studies have shown that that is highly
sensitive so therefore we are more
sensitive to rejection now not only I
know I've said this the other day but
not only is this highly highly sensitive
this part our prefrontal cortex okay
we're gonna do the brain properly it has
its lesson control it has less capacity
for cortical control do I sound brainy
so we highly sensitive here and we've
got no freaking control over here so
this is where the problems come in we
feel they've read it'ld me and here
we've got do something about it
we don't care about the consequences
we're not going to think about the
concept we've got to act on how we feel
and so we feel rejected and we piss upon
it and unfortunately when we do that
it's not always the best way so for
example I might have a partner I haven't
fought I have a partner just say he
works late ah I feel rejected he doesn't
want to be with me I've got do something
like this I've got go to his work and I
don't think that consequences I don't
think I'm gonna make him look like a
complete fool by turning up with his
work I don't think that I just do
because I have less control here so I'm
not going to think about the
consequences I just have to do something
so I Drive to work and I go in there and
make a bit of a scene and he feels like
complete idea obviously I don't care I
know he's at work and at least he's not
seeing someone else because also we get
paranoia so not only am I thinking he
doesn't interview me he'd rather be at
work then the paranoia comes in and I
think maybe it's not our work maybe he's
with someone else so I react I go there
I see he's at work so I can calm down a
bit now but he is not calm he is really
angry and unfortunately this is what our
behaviours do we fear rejection we fear
abandonment and because of our fear we
act in a certain way and we actually end
up pushing people away where they want
to reject us they want to abandon us
because of our behaviour because me just
turning up its work and causing a scene
that it's not acceptable but I have no
control ready for that I I just did
us borderlines we think in black and
white we everything is all good or
everything is really really really bad
someone is absolutely amazing or someone
is the scum of the earth and I have
found throughout my life when I first
meet someone and I getting into a
relationship they are all white they are
amazing they are more than amazing I am
so in love them I'm planning my future
I'm imagining my wedding dress I'm
imagining what our children will look
like and what names I will give them and
I do this and then he works late and I
get peed off and so he goes from being
this white wonderful person
taller something I'm thinking in black
and I think you are the scum of the
earth I hate you how could you do this
because there is no gray area and I
think that's how it is with rejection
it's either someone's rejecting us or
they're not rejecting us we don't think
outside the box we don't think of the
gray area so the gray area would be okay
he's working late but he's got loads of
work to do and his boss has asked him
her do something and he's got deadlines
and he's gotta get done I don't consider
any of that all I think is he's working
late he doesn't want to be with me and
that is just not the case and what we
learn when we're doing DB T which is
dialectical behavioral therapy we learn
about the Y's mind so we have the
rational brain over here and we have the
emotional brain and I talked about
people with borderline
we're over here most of the time in the
emotional brain but we kind of need a
bit of both which is wise mind so the
emotions it's good to have emotions and
because we don't want to just completely
estimate dismiss them and just be
rational about everything and have
absolutely no feeling there because that
would make us really cold so it's kind
of taking a bit
be rational putting it together and we
have wise might and that helps us not
think so much in black and white we can
start to look at hang on where are our
thoughts actually they might be
distorted so for example when I was
talking to that girl in the pub and
another girl came along to talk to her
I would think okay well what are the
facts I'm sat with my friend she is my
friend we are having a drink together
another girl has come along and they are
now talking but what are the facts to
suggest she's rejected me because
actually this other girl might be her
friend they've known each other for a
long time it may be they haven't seen
each other for a few days so I've got
her yes listen to emotions but also
realize that with borderline borderline
borderline borderline her emotions are
more intense and we do need to start
trying to use our rational brain to help
rationalize things and realize when
actually sometimes our thoughts are
distorted rather than just thinking this
is how I feel this is how it is because
it's not the case and it's important we
do this because if we don't and we carry
on just running riot with our emotional
brain and never rationalizing and never
like using our wise mind we're gonna do
the exact opposite of what we want to do
we're gonna push people away they're
gonna want to abandon us they're gonna
want to reject us because our behaviors
pushing them away
I was going to talk about like why why
do we have this deep-seated fear of
abandonment but I suppose it's very
similar to asking why do we have
borderline there's lots of different
factors involved there are biological
factors and there are social factors and
I think our fear of abandonment can be
due to both like I said from studies
done it shows that this part of the
brain is hypersensitive really really
sensitive is that hereditary or is that
due to social it like our environment as
we grow up because our brains do change
and wire up differently depending on the
childhood that we have but we're also
predispose oh the least predisposed
predisposed to predisposition and a guys
and honestly I am so tired because baby
who has been so good at sleeping through
her son started waking in the middle of
weight and it's eight so I've got like
serious bags under my eyes
do they look bad well there is a lot of
makeup from there trust me a lot so I'm
gonna leave that in there did I talk
about the hurt that much like I said
it's extremely extremely painful but
we've got to understand rejections
painful for anyone it is just a lot
worse for us because the way we feel we
leave it there it's Monday and I'm just
not with it I am not with it today but I
will be back Friday and I know if you
were late I guess
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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