For years I hated myself and recovery from this was a slow process – but it is possible as today I know longer hate myself.

hi guys today I'm going to do a video
request from rainbow girl and she asked
me to do a video on borderline
personality disorder and self-hatred now
self-hatred something that I suffered
with from as far back as I can remember
I think maybe as a child I know I always
wanted to be someone else and but don't
think I was aware of this hate hate as a
child actually I think it's possibly in
my teenage years that it really surfaced
and I realized I hated myself now it
wasn't just I hate my parents I hate
things like me myself physically I did
hate everything about myself physically
I would pick faults in everything I
hated my hair I hated my face I hated my
body but it was more than that I had
this deep-seated hate of who I was as a
person I hated who I was now I as a
teenager I remember I'd be going to
school I mean mom would be driving me
I'd be sat in the car so calling her and
F&S and then everything that and saying
the most vile things like things that
are so horrendous that you wouldn't even
say it to your worst enemy I'm saying it
to my mum and I knew I was hurting her
now by hurting her I'd feel this her
inside but it was almost like that was
my way of punishing myself
it's hated who I was and I felt like I
deserved that hurt I thought I was a
horrible friend
I did not deserve anything and the way
it come out was different ways one big
way for me was the so harm it would
count with this anger at myself because
I was so
three that almost had such a horrible
person and I hated it and I would cut my
arms and I'd be like I just it was like
I just couldn't bear myself I wanted to
hurt myself I wanted to hurt myself
physically I wanted to hurt myself
emotionally and which wasn't hard
because I suffered the borderline so I
was constantly hurting emotionally
pretty much most of the time anyway
now I I was also honest actually with
the borderline do I blame myself and it
kind of comes into this video in my
teenage years I did not know I had
borderline so I couldn't blame myself I
just thought I was this evil nasty
horrible person who were hated then I
was diagnosed when I was 21 so all of a
sudden I have this medical name for what
is wrong with me but rather than
thinking okay so you have borderline
personality disorder this is why you
behave the way you do I kind of saw it
as almost a punishment like yeah that's
what you deserve you deserve to have
that because I remember when I was
diagnosed and saying to the doctor like
is there a cure and the doctors saying
as yet there is no cure and it is
something you will always live with so
there was no mention of there are ways
to manage it so as far as I was
concerned this was my punishment and I
was gonna have borderline for the rest
of my life and lead this miserable like
life where I just hate myself forever
other ways I would like spreche my
self-hatred was I believed I did not
deserve anything good in my life
so if something good came up say a job
that I would love
that little voice in my head would be
saying you don't serve here and I would
go out my way and sabotage and I did
that not just with jobs anything good in
my life
friendships events to say right um cut
tickets to a great concert and I was
really excited I'd do something like
just rip the tickets rip them up and yes
relationships friendships jobs events
absolutely anything because I didn't
think I deserved to be happy I I let
people treat me like as well
because I hated myself so much that I
don't think well everyone else hates you
and you deserve it because you're a
horrid person and the way I let people
treat me and the way I treated myself
again is something that you just I
wouldn't have done to my worst enemy and
yet I was doing it to myself because I
hate myself that much obviously as the
years went on I learned about DBT and
steps program and different therapies
that can help manage borderline to the
point that it can be so well managed
that you don't have all the symptoms you
don't you just don't get them because
you're managing it so well and it was
with this kind of journey of recovery
that I learned to stop hating myself now
it's not something that just happened
overnight I did not go from this hatred
that I'd had for years and years towards
myself to one day waking up and thinking
you're really nice
person I kinda went from that deep
deep-seated hatred to one like the next
day maybe waking up and just hating
myself and in time that hate would go to
really disliking myself and in more time
that would go to justice like him myself
and it was a really gradual process
where I went from disliking myself to
them thinking that's for you alright
you're okay I can put up with you too
actually you're not a bad person
actually I quite like Who I am too
I love Who I am I do my best and I care
about myself now I respect myself now
because I think I do deserve things I do
deserve friends I'm a good friend to
have I have a lot to give in a
friendship I've a lot to give in my
relationship and I do deserve to have
people love me because I've got love to
give and I've got love to give myself
and it's so freeing because I'm not
controlled by that self hatred
I don't sabotage things today I care
about myself today I like said respect
myself so in turn I believe I deserve
others respect and not like he respect
me you fool you know like but I do
deserve respect because I respect others
and I treat people how I'd want to be
treated and not like how I used to wear
I believe back then that I deserved to
be treated terribly and I don't think I
do deserve that today
and that's really nice and like I said I
don't sabotage things so I have nice
things in my life now and you can too
like I said it doesn't happen straight
away but it is a process that you can
work towards and I might do a video well
I was gonna do videos I'm like building
your self-esteem and I think that's a
big part of it um as well but I won't
touch on that today I just kind of only
talked about self hatred part cuz I do
want to do some more videos before Bubba
wakes up I'm actually sat on the floor
because I thought she would be sat here
and her little baby swing and but she
says sleep upstairs but I'm still sat on
the floor cuz I've set up down here so
hey ho but yeah I want to get some more
videos done so I will leave that there
now I want you back and lots of love
bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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