hi guys today I'm going to talk about ah
there's a reason I'm doing this video
it's not just I just I just want to talk
about sex I've had a lot of requests
actually from girls saying can you talk
about borderline personality disorder
and like sexuality and how it affects
you and I didn't want to because I think
some things should remain private and I
have issues basically if on sex I didn't
want to be talking about them on YouTube
but here I am and I am going to talk
about it I'm doing it for you because I
don't really want to do this um but if
it can help people and people can
identify then surely that's only a good
thing so sex XXX um I think I've always
had issues with him basically um I will
go back to when I was about 18 ish maybe
and I got how do I say it without
sounding like a complete slag um
basically if I met a guy I it would all
be about him basically sex would be at
him I would often play like a victim
type role like sweet I'm sweet um
completely false advertising really so I
would get with Gaia be sweetly all about
him nothing about me and it wasn't
because that is what I liked because
actually I didn't I didn't like sex I
just didn't it was all about control I
felt that if I was the sole girl that I
did everything that and they wanted it's
almost like I'm a black widow in my
spider's web never fly the man's the fly
and I'm gonna get him in my web and how
am I going to do that sex so I will do
everything he wants and I would trap him
and that's what I do and it was false
advertising because they would see this
side of me like wow how she does
everything well I think that they might
be my exes my watching go she shit um
yeah but basically once the relationship
then progressed and they inevitably saw
my beast yeah and realized I wasn't this
sweet little victim and they'd be like
um and not just that as the relationship
progressed and I got a bit closer to
someone now I never really let anyone
get in that close
sometimes I thought oh I'm in love and I
think it but I don't there was always a
barrier there um yeah so once the
relationship progressed out then I
didn't need to track them in my way
because as far as I was concerned they
were in my web
so then sex was an intra wasn't
interesting for me I just wasn't
interested because I didn't get
enjoyment out of it and the reason I
didn't was I wouldn't be close enough to
let myself go and just enjoy it it's
like I didn't trust someone to let be
like that in front of them so like I
just I wouldn't orgasm I was the best at
faking it constantly but yes a sex just
wasn't high up on my list because also
what when I first got with them and I'm
like yes do whatever you want and I came
across as really confident what they
didn't know was actually I was the
complete opposite I was doing all this
to trap them because I was I had that
fear of abandonment and I thought by
doing this they wouldn't leave me sex
would keep them basically and like I
said crap
so yeah it was it was a real issue like
in any relationship basically because I
was I was just I wasn't confident I I
didn't enjoy it it was it I must point
out it sounds really bad
hum listen this little black widow
catching my fly it wasn't a conscious
thing I did I it's only looking back now
that I can see okay that's a little
pattern and I can see why I did it
because I thought sex was the way to the
man's heart do what they want but I
couldn't obviously keep that up forever
because it was fake it wasn't the real
me they weren't seeing the real me and
it was kind of like a game again that I
didn't or wasn't even conscious of
playing at the time and but yeah I can
just carry on like that so like I said
inevitably they'd see the Beast and sex
would just drop out of the window and I
would be back to being insecure and
needy so that was a big issue for me I
when I was in rehab I talked to
counselors about it absolutely cuz I was
like I just enjoy it and they said that
they could offer some help but I
actually left by that point so I never
did get it but I got with obviously my
partner after and those issues were
still there I thought the board line was
under control at this point we're
clearly at complete it wasn't completely
because this was still an issue but
maybe that's because this is something
that we don't really talk about that
often and so even when I dealt with lots
of other things with the borderline this
was something that I kind of just kept
private and just did so it was going to
take a bit more time I'm very lucky that
my boyfriend is so glad I can talk to
and for the first time I really opened
up and kind of said look this is how
it's been for me
um I just can't let myself go and we
worked on it slowly it took time we
built up trust and it's great we have a
healthy good sex life now and I can be
myself around him I don't have to put on
that mask and be trapped in here
everything and but maybe that's also
because that fear of abandonment it's
kind of left me another issue like that
like this one I have actually read about
I didn't really like I wasn't someone
that went out and had lots of one-night
stands um but I know from talking to
people and from reading stuff on the
internet that that is a big thing
because I'm one of the traits of
borderline personality disorder is
impulsive reckless behavior and for me
was drinking drugs but for some people
it's sex like and I think it was that
quick fix to make them feel good but
like from talking to friends that have
done that they always felt so shit the
next day is exactly the same as I did
with the drugs the calm down just felt
shit and guilty and horrible and I think
for their it was exactly the same they
felt like they used horrible just didn't
feel good but I suppose it's that fix of
someone wanting you and thinking someone
wants me and almost like what's the word
confusing sex and love thinking sex
means someone loves me and just for that
brief minute but then realizing they
don't and feeling really bad about it
so they were my issues I hope that
helped I don't know if anyone I would
have kinda suffered that or it's just me
I'm going to stop it there only because
I can't think of really anything else to
say because I would love to offer you
with complete solution to this problem
if you have it but this it's taken time
with me I think again like I said it's
because it is something that we don't
really talk about that much and but I
think when you get the rest of the
border line under control the impulsive
reckless behavior kinda goes away and
and also you learn to build your
self-esteem and in turn that fear of
abandoned goes away and then your fear
of intimacy just start to go and you'll
be okay - um let someone get close to
you I hope I made from the fence today
yes I'm going to leave that there guys
but feel free to come in um yeah see you
later