With BPD we have a fear of abandonement, we have low self esteem – and we have intense emotions – it’s no wonder we start feeling jealous and then acting on it. We really do need to learn to rationalise things though because our jealousy and clinginess often pushes those we love away.

hi my lovelies today I am doing a video
request from Martha and Martha asked me
to talk about cleanliness and jealousy I
actually it's really bizarre
I'd to saw an old message that some
young guy have written with me on
Instagram that he was going through a
similar thing regarding his partners ex
is very jealous over his partner's exes
so hi to Martha and hi to the young guy
on Instagram haven't even replied yet
like will after I've done this video so
it is so painful when you were in a
relationship and you are literally being
eaten alive from the inside out with
jealousy and a fear that your partner is
going to leave you I lived with this for
and you cannot have a happy and healthy
relationship when you're living with
this because like I said it's your mind
is just going around and around and
around I'm going to stop thinking about
it and obviously thoughts provoke
feelings I mean I used to feel like I
walked around everywhere with a knot in
my stomach like you know like the
butterfly but not nice butterflies
horribly ill like creepy crawly things
in my belly and feeling like I wanted to
be sick I could you know like when
someone gives you some bad news for
example just imagine song I said I saw
your partner with someone else kissing
someone else that feeling like you feel
like almost tonight like you come out
your body and your body just goes like
you feel like your legs are gonna
collapse from under you and you think
you're gonna be sick
and that feeling imagine living with
that all the time and I did that is how
I used to live my life
and because I had this intense jealousy
which it stems from a number of things
one one we have borderline disorder we
have really low self-esteem we often
have bad sense of self bad self-image
we don't really like who we are if we
don't like who we are how can we expect
others to like who we are we also have
that lovely fear of abandonment
well we constantly think people are
going to leave us and it is all the time
we think people are going to leave us
all the time and because of that fear
our mind is telling us they are going to
leave you and so we kind of look for
reasons they're going to leave us and
one of the biggest reasons someone might
leave us is down to other people whether
they've met somewhere else or their
family have said something all their
friends have said something it that's
usually what especially in her head we
think it comes down to it's not just a
decision that they would just make if
you feel they are influenced by the
outside world and anyone other than the
two of us can have a negative impact on
our relationship we do not think
actually it's healthy for our partner to
have friends and have a separate life we
think if he's got a separate life he
might prefer that separate life he's
gonna go off with his separate life from
with his friends and leave us so I used
to be so bad from the moment I woke up
and my ex would go to work in the
morning I would be phoning phoning him
what you doing did it after trying to
find out information had he spoke from
20 close today because if he had
that's how I felt I hope it really
didn't make me feel good and so he would
come back from hard day work and I would
be on him like following around house
like going around after him because one
I'd been sat there with this fear all
day that oh my god he's gonna be
cheating on me he's gonna be leaving me
and then he walks through the door and
I'm kind of oh my god he's home he's
home and um so then I'd get very very
clingy and if he then said oh I'm just
gonna go out with the lads for a couple
of hours that's how it would take I
would take it so badly I'll take it
really personally like you have been at
work all day and you've just walked
through the door and you don't even want
to spend any time with me you just want
to go off with your friends and that's
how I would take it no I would not see
that actually it's healthy for people to
have friendships and because of my hopes
he just doesn't want to be here and also
I knew that when he had gone
I would then be sad with that feeling I
had been sat with all day I had a little
moments like relief for me when he came
home and instead of being all the
tingles that I was just following him
around and it was like another sort of
feeling again not a healthy one but then
he'll be going out and I'm gonna go back
to the tingle wasn't feeling sick and
I'm constantly going over well if he's
going to the pub there are girls in the
pub there are girls that work in the pub
and well if one of them smiles at him
you know and I would go over all the
tiny tiny details and my mind wouldn't
let up I could not stop thinking about
it and it's so all-consuming the thing
with borderline as well which we know is
our emotions are more into
than the average person's emotions we
feel things more so take all those
feelings of fear and being sick and not
liking ourselves and then multiply it by
a hundred and you kind of getting how
we're feeling and then because our
emotions go like this we react and we
act upon them so for example my
partner's been at work all day I've been
phoning him constantly he comes home oh
he hasn't left he's there oh he's going
to the pub so he goes to the pub and it
doesn't take me long I'm actually
phoning him while he's probably still in
the car on the way there ask him who's
gonna be there you're not talking you
gonna be back pretty much doing his head
in I will be annoying him but I can't
stop I can't just stop because this is
how I feel and and I get angry then the
heat doesn't understand how I feel but
then he doesn't have borderline say heat
he doesn't understand he doesn't know
how I'm feeling he can take a guess but
he actually has an experience that he
hasn't felt it so it's this huge big
deal to me
and to him I'm just being annoying I say
he goes to the pub and I tried phoning
him later and he doesn't answer his
phone and maybe that's because the
music's loud or he's talking or whatever
he doesn't hear he doesn't hear his
phone basically I take that as he has
met someone he's chatting with a girl or
hit for I think he's saying to his
friends look she's trying to phone me
I'm not answering and that's what goes
on in my head and I get so distraught
and the feelings become so intense I
cell phone so I think when he comes home
now he can see what he's done and so he
will come home obviously because
he hasn't left me just because I fear
that he's going to it doesn't mean he's
going to and he comes home and he finds
me in a complete mess sometimes I try to
move a dose sometimes I'd self-harmed
sometimes I'd literally just ransacked
the place and smash things up and gone
out to get drugs laughs because that was
my way of trying to cope and inevitably
it we would usually have a big round
because like I said he didn't understand
he was like oh my god I just went out
and this is what you've done this is
what I've come to I've had a hard day at
work I went to seeing my friends for two
hours and this is what I come home to
and he feels completely helpless he
doesn't know what to do and I feel
completely helpless and I don't know
what to do and it's a really really
painful place to be because I was I
think I would have only been happy if I
thought that he had no friends he didn't
work to know where we'd get money to pay
for rental that we didn't work I'd like
us just to be at home together just us
all the time and I would have been happy
I didn't want friends
well that's a lie I had friends but if I
had if I could say to him if you give up
your friends I'll give up mine and he
would then I would have because I was
like so obsessed with him that
and when I say him I'm not even just
talking about one person like I have
been like this in a few relationships
where I have just literally wanted it to
be me and my partner and no one else in
the world
and I would have gone everywhere with my
partner with one is I used to go to work
with him out with him we had the same
friends because by us having the same
friends he could always be together and
like the young guy that messaged me on
instagram this jealousy of apartness ex
it's the same thing it's exactly the
same thing is like eaten up with
jealousy all those horrid feelings again
but this time over someone they used to
be with because in my head well if they
have been with that person they musta
liked each other at some point so it's
only a matter of time before they like
each other again
it wouldn't cross my mind well actually
they're an ex for a reason it did not
work that never came into it ever it was
always well they were together what was
their relationship like compared to our
relationship and if I'd around with my
partner I think well I bet they didn't
have that what he goes running back to
her and I would make up these scenarios
in my head just like if he was out I
would make up all these scenarios and I
would keep feeding my brain with new
bits of information information that was
completely plucked out of the air I this
information who was not accurate at all
it was all made up in my head but I fed
it to my brain as as if it was a fact
and then because I felt like it was a
fact and I thought is a fact I reacted
like it was a fact and it just wasn't
that and
I think you get to a point where it
becomes so painful and the thing is we
have this big fear that people are going
to leave us and then we behave like this
and then we wonder why people leave us
why did the relationship not work where
did we go wrong it took me a long time
to try and just kind of step back and
stop running off and stop feeding my
mind that information false information
and to kind of strip myself in my tracks
and say well actually he's probably
actually just at work or he's probably
just sat on his own with his friends in
the pub he needs friendships and um then
it would pop in oh but he might be
talking to a girl but I'd actually start
questioning my thoughts what makes you
think that he's not done that till now
why would she say that because I kind of
realize I did get to the point where I
realized that one I felt like crap all
the time it is like the most awful
feeling to go around feeling like that
on a day-to-day basis and I also
realized that I was gonna lose my
partner I was gonna push him away by
behaving like this and I had to do
something about him I had to and I kind
of had to take take it into my own hands
and say right what are you going to do
about this and it didn't happen
overnight the jealousy just doesn't go
oh gone
I definitely made a conscious effort
like right no I am NOT going to be this
jealous jealous person I'm going to try
and rationalize things and if my mind
was say for example starting to go over
and talk rubbish to me basically I would
distract myself I would constantly I was
constantly distracting myself and to
start with that is what got me through
keeping busy doing things put in a film
one and sometimes I'll be sat watching
the film and in my mind golf but it's
like no you're not thinking about that
you're gonna just enjoy this film on
your own he's fine he'll be back and
sure enough he came back and was happy
that I was just sat watching a film noir
self-harming on the floor and so he was
in a better mood so then he would come
and sit and chat about things him and
his friends had talks about and I didn't
artfully be included and it kind of made
me think ah well he didn't leave me he
went out and he's coming back and he's
in a good mood and he's happy and he's
happy to be here with me and then we
would have the nice wrist the evening go
to bed next day I'd wake up with all
those feelings again but I would treat
it as a new day and I would start doing
what I'd done day before distracting
myself doing things taking up a hobby
going for a walk talking to friends and
it does get easier it really does get
easier and now my partners at work now I
think I spanked him once today and that
was because he found me I am NOT so here
thinking oh my god because he works in
an office full of girls as well and so
God 10 years ago that would have
absolutely driven me mad but now it's
he's at work he's there for doing a job
they are there doing a job they're
really nice girls just because they're
nice it does not mean my partner's gonna
run off with them or not that they leave
one on a run off with hips you know but
we feed ourselves all this information
and we actually end up making ourselves
feel so much worse so I do understand
what he's like I do understand how
painful it is trust me I I was like I
used to stalk exes if they said they're
at pop I would drive and then pull up
over the road and watch to see if they
were talking to
anyone like I couldn't even see but then
I'll see if they were leaving and then
I'd have to get home before they got
home and all that stuff like why would I
do that to myself it was like my mind
was my own worst enemy making me feel
worse and worse but you can do something
about this it is very much taking it
step by step and the fact that you
notice it and you realize actually I
don't like feeling like this because I
mean if you like feeling like that and
you don't mind if your relationship
breaks up hey but chances are you really
don't like feeling like this and you
don't want to break up that's the thing
we don't and it is it is doing something
about it I mean I'm sure there is
counseling for it as well therapy that
is something you'd need to talk to your
doctor about and but you can get through
this because I did and I don't stalk
people too late
let's love guys hey
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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