I could be so cold to the people whom I was supposed to love the most.

Transcript:
hi I am going to do a video request
before I do it I'm going to make my
excuses I feel like I'm back at school
making my excuses because I haven't been
my homework
basically I'm sorry I'm really really
far behind on messages and your comments
and getting back and I do like to get
back to people but I do have some
excuses and last night I realized oh my
god you haven't checked your Facebook
messages for like forever and then I
realized I message to go back on
Saturday saying I'll reply after the
weekend her message on Instagram I think
it was and I never do that but I am
literally just behind I planned on doing
messages all day sunday because my
partner said he would take this one out
for the day and bring him back an
evening whoo so I could get on so I
thought I'd do messages all day there
and I'll do the ironing in the evening
getting your school uniforms done and
then I got a phone call Sunday morning
my boyfriend was like I've hurt my back
I can't come I can't doing things I was
like like obviously it's not his fault
he hurt his back so I wasn't angry at
him but I felt really frustrated and
angry at the situation because I
couldn't do what I needed to do so then
I thought right I'll do it monkey do it
on Monday and and I will do my ironing
on day 9 but my little boy my two year
old he gets this really bad cough like I
get I've had it since I was little to
the point you cough and cough from -
you're sick like it's really bad and
he's got inhalers and that for air and
he was really bad on Monday and to the
point
Monday evening which I was supposed to
do my ironing and he coughed and coughed
and he threw up all over my bed and
it was chicken curry all over my cream
bedsheets Oh
so I had fun sorting that out and then I
had to sit up with him obviously I was
worried he'd cough and choke or whatever
and we had a sleepless night
Oh Monday night so Tuesday came and and
I literally still haven't done anything
the boys still not well and last night
he he actually went to nursery and he
never sleeps at nursery and I collected
him know like he's fallen asleep so I
went in he was just a falling asleep
right in the middle of the floor bless
him so I knew it wasn't wow going higher
at high temperature and so I had him in
his pajamas for like five o'clock and I
was like usually I'll never put them to
sleep at that time because I think
they're gonna wake up and they're not
sleep but I thought he's not well so he
will sleep so I put him to it dealt with
the other two they dinner got them ready
for bed did stories just as they were
about to go to sleep little one woke up
so and he wouldn't settle so in the end
I had to get in my pajamas at like 8
o'clock and bring him into bed for me
turn the lights out and go to sleep
so I got nothing done so my ironing pile
is just sat over there up here bigger my
poor kids that I sent to school today I
literally went through the ironing pole
to find clean uniform that was the least
creased and sent them in today so that
is Mike's use that was quite long I've
spoken for four minutes right okay on
with the video requests it was by Don
Diablo and he asked me to do one about
devaluing and or discarding ignoring
someone devaluing them even though
you're supposed to
love them now my little BP Diaz I'm sure
there's loads of you that can relate
because I know I actually always awful
um to someone like I was supposed to be
in love with and I could literally make
them feel like this small and say the
most cutting hurtful things to any
outsider looking in people would have
probably thought I was evil because I
came across as so cold so why so why did
I do that I own I think a lot of it was
because actually my own self esteem I
had none and because I just felt so low
and crappy around myself I try and bring
someone else down I didn't mean to lie I
didn't consciously think I feel like
you're going to feel like it
was um
I just did it and I was hot for so all
um and I could be like that even if I to
say I was with a partner and they were
really loving and they were being really
nice to me that could start irritating
me like why are you patronizing me
I didn't say why are you patronizing me
they would be being really nice and the
nicer they were but more horrible odd
get lie and just shut them down again
and again and like I said make them feel
like this small and make them feel like
they were a worthless piece of when
they weren't and this is supposed to be
someone that I'm in love with uh
sometimes when I was saying hurtful and
cutting things it was almost like I was
punishing myself um
because it did hurt me when I like just
sales with someone I'm in love with them
and I say something so awful to them and
I can see the hurt in their face that
would hurt me but I wouldn't then say
really sorry I didn't mean that it would
be like I wanted to carry on hurting
them to hurt me and so I'd keep on and
on and on until they had enough and then
they went and then I would break down
and cry when they weren't there and
think oh my god can you say stuff like
that and I was like ignoring are used to
ignore someone for days just like give
them the silent treatment and sometimes
sometimes I would like start giving some
silent treatment because we'd had a row
ever but they're not even forget why I
was giving them the silent dream and not
forgot what it's all about but I'd still
carry on doing it and then it get to the
point that I just like odd shutting off
I just shut down I don't want to talk to
anyone I did I think I used to come
across as quite cold and heartless even
though that's the complete opposite
actually of what I was because I just
felt everything but I had to put on like
this tough exterior like it was like
almost to protect myself because I'm all
soft and squidgy inside and felt really
vulnerable and emotional so I just put
on this act like don't mess with me I
don't give a and inside of it poof
it looks freaking awful really horrible
and if you are a partner and you are
with someone that's doing this it's
really hard because what can you do it's
not my place to say just stand there
take it because no one deserves to be
talked to like that but what a lot of
the stuff that we BPD is say we
generally we don't mean we're we're
really really hurting inside and I know
it doesn't seem like that when we behave
the way we behave but we generally are
really hurting and we lash out at those
that we love the most often parents or
partners and I think maybe because we
feel their loves unconditional I don't
know maybe it's that maybe it's not but
they are the ones that get most of our
venom
yes the ones we love that we have but
trust me it hurts us inside it's not
like we're really cold people we are
feeling everything and and we feel
things so intensely even though
sometimes you wouldn't think that from
what we say err yes I think I want to
leave that now I can't think for
anything else to say um and oh my god is
Court free cocaine okay so I'm gonna get
the kids oh I don't even know what to
put for dinner haven't even planned it
I'll go get milk yeah um I wanted to do
one on routine and video on routine I
might try and get that done tomorrow
actually cuz I had someone ask me about
routine but I think like for kids how'd
you get them in so bare with me I am
working my way to my list I can now tip
some of these off it's not even just
this page of like pages pages and pages
of requests and I am trying to get
through them I'm not doing it in any
particular order perhaps I should
because some people might be wearing
ages I do just kind of turn the laptop
on have a look and think what's going to
be easy for me to do at the moment
because I am really tired at the moment
with lack of sleep so alright my
lovelies I will be back tomorrow
hopefully providing my little boys not
ill and yeah cuz if he doesn't go to
nursery he's gonna be here with me okay
and then less he sleeps all wrinkled up
in here done but I will try I shall try
mmm love you all bye
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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