Today I do 2 video requests – 1. Having an F.P (Favorite person), what’s healthy and what is not. 2. How Fear of abandonment can manifest in us. Don’t forget to click the link below and sign up to be notified of personal appearances, events etc. The more of you that sign the more likely I’ll get to come and meet you guys! https://www.unhookedmedia.com/stock/bigbookbpd
hi I'm a lovely is happy Friday today I'm doing two video requests in one video I am doing from Nathan hi Nathan who asked me to talk about favorite person or FP and a video request from The Catcher in the Rye who asked me to talk about fear of abandonment and how it can manifest itself in us so I'll start with Nathan's favorite person now it's quite normal for anyone to have a best friend and you might have lots of friends but there's just one you're particularly close with your best friend a besties Oh BFF and that can be quite healthy except usually the way it manifested itself in those of us with BPD and we have a best friend but it's not just a best friend it's our favorite person and the difference I would say is possibly the intensity of the friendship and whereas just having a best friend can be quite healthy having this favorite person it tends to be quite unhealthy and the reason for this is usually if you just have two best friends they're quite independent people but they come together and they can both bring a look to their friendship and then they can go away and they have other friendships and it's fine but when we tend to have a favorite person we become really dependent on them we kind of think our life our happiness our well-being depends on this person now who our favorite person is can be anyone it could be a partner it could be a friend it could be a family member it might be someone with me in group therapy it might even be a caregiver like a therapist it might be someone out work but we have our favorite person and if we put them up there on the pedestal black and white thinking and we idealize them we can become obsessive over them we can have fantasies about our amazing friendship and in our head just as much as we think they're the best thing that's ever happened to us we imagine that they feel that way about us as well but very often actually we're doing all the depending on them they've got a big ol weight on their shoulder because that's a lot that's a lot of responsibility our happiness depending on them that's a huge responsibility and in a healthy friendship it's not like that two independent people come together friends in this we have one independent person and the dependent person person with BPD who depends on them although we often tell ourselves that they need us just as much as we need them now if you took two people in the general population that did not have borderline two friends and one of the friends friends the other friend says hey jus wanna meet up tonight and the other friend says oh I'm really sorry I'm seeing such-and-such a con okay no worries he free tomorrow night yeah I'm free tomorrow night yeah perfect one was busy seeing another friend that's quite reasonable and the other one was fine about it because why wouldn't they be but then and you take someone that I guess and we phone our favorite person hey do I come over tonight I'm really sorry I can't I'm seeing such and such a we feel betrayed we'll feel angry resentful how can they do this to us I need them all I wanted to see them I need them look what they've done and we don't deal with it very well right and possibly with my drinking with my self-harm we basically have got them from their pedestal and not the pedestal from under them so they've come crashing back down and we have devalued them and in our heads then we go through we get really spiteful we can start thinking how dare they do I would never do that to them if they wanted to see me I would cancel and that's what we don't get actually what our favorite person is doing they want to see someone else that's quite reasonable but to us we don't see it like that we see it they're being really unreasonable and we can't think rationally about it we get really her and it's not healthy because like I said that's a huge responsibility for this other person to carry our happiness like we depend on them and what we find is because we're so obsessive because we're so clingy you just want to live in their pocket and them to live in our pocket we actually drive them away because they get to a point where they're I can't do this I can't be friends with you anymore and it kind of stems from our fear of abandonment and fearing that someone is gonna leave us so for example take that phone call and you phone your friend and you want to see them and they're going to see someone else that kind of to us is they're abandoning us they're leaving us and we get really angry about that well actually they're not they're not leaving us they're just being a normal healthy person I'm going to see a friend and if we don't want to drive everyone away we kind of have to take control of this and look at our relationships and think okay what are they like do I have a favorite person do I really expect them to drop everything for me are they up on a pedestal and I seen them in black and white am i dependent on them do I think they make me happy and only there because often when we do that when we have that favorite person and we cut out everyone else we don't want other friendships we don't need that the friendships we got our favorite person but actually eventually will drive them away and then we have no one so I've done a video before called I think building friendships and saying it cause it's important that we have different friendships and if we feel we are contacting this person too much we have to like consciously be aware of it and say okay I need to back off a bit because in the end we'll just sabotage the friendship and that's not nice and we've got to learn to be independent or I talked about interdependence I think in the last video um and we can't give all that put all that responsibility on one person because I know we don't like we don't set out to do that and we don't mean to do it that if we want to be a good friend and have a healthy friendship we have to allow other people to have other friends and a life and if we don't have any other friends and we don't have life in this person then we're gonna get resentful that they've got it and think we'll hang on I've given up everything for you you need to give everything up for me we can't think like that you have thing okay I'm gonna start building myself alive from building some close friendships and doing things getting busy join the club like get a hobby but have a life outside of this person and because at the end of the day is only us it's only us that come out we make ourselves happy we cannot rely on someone else to do that that is too much of a burden for someone else and they they will inevitably fail because they will not live up to our expectations as much as we think they will but we set our expectations high probably without even realizing what we do and that's when it's so easy for them to come crashing back down to earth and we didn't tell you to buy us so now I'm going to do the video request from The Catcher in the Rye Hey look who asked me to talk about fear of abandonment and how it manifests now I've done a few fear of abandonment videos before and I've explained like one of the ways is we dive into a relationship we are absolutely in love with the person after the first day after the second date we are planning our wedding and after the third date we are planning our children's names and it's really really intense but it's not long before our fear of abandonment creeps in and when that creeps in we then start getting jealous we might make accusations we've become paranoid that they're going to leave us and what often happens the same is like with our favorite person we push someone push them push them too they do leave and then we think ha I knew they were going to abandon us when actually it was kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy the way we behaved actually pushes them away but we don't see it like that a another thing that we may do is dive into the relationship want to get married want to have kids everything's going wonderful fear abandonment comes in and then we leave because we're so scared that we are going to be left we get out first and we leave and we jump into another relationship to try and fix ourselves and to make ourselves feel better but obviously the same problems gonna come up in this relationship because we actually haven't dealt with the issue which is fear of abandonment so it's going to follow us from relationship to relationship until we get get hold of it what others do there are some of us that have relationships but they're just casual just casual relationships ooh lots lots of them loads and loads multiple relationships sometimes at the same time just loads but they're casual and as soon as we think this is getting a bit serious I've got to get into it we back off from light no no no we don't want to we don't want a proper relationship and so that's how we go because we fear being abandoned and so therefore we put barriers up we might not even be consciously aware we're doing it but we put barriers up so we will not let someone get close to us because if no one can get close to us no one can abandon us and we're protecting it's a defense mechanism it's our way of defending ourselves and then there are those of us who don't have relationships they just avoid relationships it might be I just don't trust people but why don't you trust people well it's because we have that fear of abandonment again and the fear of abandonment makes us think everyone's gonna leave us so no one can be trusted so I'm not even going there I do not want to know I do not want a relationship and it's still the fear of abandonment but it just comes out in different people in different ways now fear of abandonment does often stem from our childhood there's various reasons it depends on what kind of attachments we made as we were growing up with it they were healthy or unhealthy ones whether we got our needs met as a child but also I suppose the care give us those closest to us if we watch'd relationships around us so if we had a parent that left untreated on that the other parent we can kind of grow up thinking that's how relationships are and we can go one of two ways we can be like that parent and just think well this is normal or we can think I'm not getting a relationship because this is what's gonna happen my dad left my mom or my mom left my dad and so therefore I am avoiding all relationships because of that and this is the same thing it's our way of defending as a defense mechanism because we don't want to get hurt because at the end of the day who wants to get hurt and we're really really sensitive people anyway so we get hurt easily so sometimes it's easier just not to be intimate with someone not let someone get close to us and just cut cut off but that's not healthier either with we're supposed to have relationships and friendships you know and if we don't do that and we're so like independent to the point because I talk like I said I talked in the last video I think about interdependence so we have independence where it I can do everything myself I do not need anyone then you have dependent people like codependency away you completely rely on someone else I can't do anything for myself I need someone to do it for me but then you can have interdependence and that's what that's where you want to be where yes R independent but actually if you need a bit of support you can lean on so on and have support it's good because that were humans we humans we're supposed to be like part of community we are social creatures so if you're kind of cutting off from everyone you're actually really missing out and I would say ask yourself why do you kind of why don't you want to be with someone because if it's well I don't think anyone can be trusted Oh chances are that's because you have a fear of abandonment and it is a defense mechanism but it's not really serving its purpose we've got to learn to deal with this trait in a healthy way to overcome it so we can grow relationships because that's the wonderful thing that recovery gives us the opportunity to have healthy stable relationships as opposed to intense unstable ones or none I think I'm gonna leave that there today guys but I will be back next week I'm sorry I'm not getting to get through all your comments and reply oh you still have replying one time I'm really really busy I mentioned you before we've got a website that we are building for those of us with BPD and I'm literally so excited I have never ever in my life been so excited about something out the book cause pretty excited about that that's written and that's done so um yeah I'm I'm really excited about this website I think it can help a lot of people like ice I asked you in another one you can sign up on unhooks media I'll put the link here below and on my author page or on the page of my book it's on one of them you can sign up for notifications so if we get a lot of people say in America or we get our people in Ireland or the UK or Australia or Canada wherever in the world you live if there's enough people chances are I will get to come out and meet you so do sign up because then we kind to know where you are but yeah I'll leave that there I hope you have a wonderful weekend and I'll be back next week love you all right
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.