hi I'm a lovely is happy Friday today
I'm doing two video requests in one
video I am doing from Nathan hi Nathan
who asked me to talk about favorite
person or FP and a video request from
The Catcher in the Rye who asked me to
talk about fear of abandonment and how
it can manifest itself in us so I'll
start with Nathan's favorite person now
it's quite normal for anyone to have a
best friend and you might have lots of
friends but there's just one you're
particularly close with your best friend
a besties
Oh BFF and that can be quite healthy
except usually the way it manifested
itself in those of us with BPD and we
have a best friend but it's not just a
best friend
it's our favorite person and the
difference I would say is possibly the
intensity of the friendship and whereas
just having a best friend can be quite
healthy having this favorite person it
tends to be quite unhealthy and the
reason for this is usually if you just
have two best friends
they're quite independent people but
they come together and they can both
bring a look to their friendship and
then they can go away and they have
other friendships and it's fine but when
we tend to have a favorite person we
become really dependent on them we kind
of think our life our happiness our
well-being depends on this person now
who our favorite person is can be anyone
it could be a partner it could be a
friend it could be a family member it
might be someone with me in group
therapy it might even be a caregiver
like a therapist it might be someone out
work but we have our favorite person and
if we put them up there on the pedestal
black and white thinking and we idealize
them we can become obsessive over them
we can have fantasies about our amazing
friendship and in our head just as much
as we think they're the best thing
that's ever happened to us we imagine
that they feel that way about us as well
but very often actually we're doing all
the depending on them they've got a big
ol weight on their shoulder because
that's a lot that's a lot of
responsibility our happiness depending
on them that's a huge responsibility and
in a healthy friendship it's not like
that
two independent people come together
friends in this we have one independent
person and the dependent person person
with BPD who depends on them although we
often tell ourselves that they need us
just as much as we need them now if you
took two people in the general
population that did not have borderline
two friends and one of the friends
friends the other friend says hey jus
wanna meet up tonight and the other
friend says oh I'm really sorry I'm
seeing such-and-such a con okay no
worries he free tomorrow night yeah I'm
free tomorrow night yeah perfect
one was busy seeing another friend
that's quite reasonable and the other
one was fine about it because why
wouldn't they be but then and you take
someone that I guess and we phone our
favorite person hey do I come over
tonight I'm really sorry I can't I'm
seeing such and such a we feel betrayed
we'll feel angry resentful how can they
do this to us I need them all I wanted
to see them I need them look what
they've done and we don't deal with it
very well right and possibly with my
drinking with my self-harm we basically
have got them from their pedestal and
not the pedestal from under them so
they've come crashing back down and we
have devalued them and in our heads then
we go through we get really spiteful we
can start thinking how dare they do I
would never do that to them if they
wanted to see me I would cancel and
that's what we don't get actually what
our favorite person is doing they want
to see someone else that's quite
reasonable but to us we don't see it
like that we see it they're being really
unreasonable and we can't think
rationally about it we get really her
and it's not healthy
because like I said that's a huge
responsibility for this other person to
carry our happiness like we depend on
them and what we find is because we're
so obsessive because we're so clingy you
just want to live in their pocket and
them to live in our pocket we actually
drive them away because they get to a
point where they're I can't do this I
can't be friends with you anymore
and it kind of stems from our fear of
abandonment and fearing that someone is
gonna leave us so for example take that
phone call and you phone your friend and
you want to see them and they're going
to see someone else
that kind of to us is they're abandoning
us they're leaving us and we get really
angry about that well actually they're
not they're not leaving us they're just
being a normal healthy person I'm going
to see a friend and if we don't want to
drive everyone away we kind of have to
take control of this and look at our
relationships and think okay what are
they like do I have a favorite person do
I really expect them to drop everything
for me are they up on a pedestal and I
seen them in black and white
am i dependent on them do I think they
make me happy and only there
because often when we do that when we
have that favorite person and we cut out
everyone else we don't want other
friendships we don't need that the
friendships we got our favorite person
but actually eventually will drive them
away and then we have no one
so I've done a video before called I
think building friendships and saying it
cause it's important that we have
different friendships and if we feel we
are contacting this person too much we
have to like consciously be aware of it
and say okay I need to back off a bit
because in the end we'll just sabotage
the friendship and that's not nice and
we've got to learn to be independent or
I talked about interdependence I think
in the last video um and we can't give
all that put all that responsibility on
one person because I know we don't like
we don't set out to do that and we don't
mean to do it that if we want to be a
good friend and have a healthy
friendship we have to allow other people
to have other friends and a life and if
we don't have any other friends and we
don't have life in this person then
we're gonna get resentful that they've
got it and think we'll hang on I've
given up everything for you you need to
give everything up for me we can't think
like that
you have thing okay I'm gonna start
building myself alive from building some
close friendships and doing things
getting busy join the club
like get a hobby but have a life outside
of this person and because at the end of
the day is only us it's only us that
come out we make ourselves happy we
cannot rely on someone else to do that
that is too much of a burden for someone
else and they they will inevitably fail
because they will not live
up to our expectations as much as we
think they will but we set our
expectations high probably without even
realizing what we do and that's when
it's so easy for them to come crashing
back down to earth and we didn't tell
you to buy us so now I'm going to do the
video request from The Catcher in the
Rye Hey look who asked me to talk about
fear of abandonment and how it manifests
now I've done a few fear of abandonment
videos before and I've explained like
one of the ways is we dive into a
relationship we are absolutely in love
with the person after the first day
after the second date we are planning
our wedding and after the third date we
are planning our children's names and
it's really really intense but it's not
long before our fear of abandonment
creeps in and when that creeps in we
then start getting jealous we might make
accusations we've become paranoid that
they're going to leave us and what often
happens the same is like with our
favorite person we push someone push
them push them too they do leave and
then we think ha I knew they were going
to abandon us when actually it was kind
of a self-fulfilling prophecy the way we
behaved actually pushes them away but we
don't see it like that a another thing
that we may do is dive into the
relationship want to get married want to
have kids everything's going wonderful
fear abandonment comes in and then we
leave because we're so scared that we
are going to be left we get out first
and we leave and we jump into another
relationship to try and fix ourselves
and to make ourselves feel better but
obviously the same problems gonna come
up in this relationship because we
actually haven't dealt with the issue
which is fear of abandonment so it's
going to follow us from relationship to
relationship until we get get hold of it
what others do there are some of us that
have relationships but they're just
casual just casual relationships ooh
lots lots of them loads and loads
multiple relationships sometimes at the
same time just loads but they're casual
and as soon as we think this is getting
a bit serious I've got to get into it we
back off from light no no no we don't
want to we don't want a proper
relationship and so that's how we go
because we fear being abandoned and so
therefore we put barriers up we might
not even be consciously aware we're
doing it but we put barriers up so we
will not let someone get close to us
because if no one can get close to us
no one can abandon us and we're
protecting it's a defense mechanism it's
our way of defending ourselves and then
there are those of us who don't have
relationships they just avoid
relationships it might be I just don't
trust people but why don't you trust
people well it's because we have that
fear of abandonment again and the fear
of abandonment makes us think everyone's
gonna leave us so no one can be trusted
so I'm not even going there I do not
want to know I do not want a
relationship and it's still the fear of
abandonment but it just comes out in
different people in different ways
now fear of abandonment does often stem
from our childhood there's various
reasons it depends on what kind of
attachments we made as we were growing
up with it they were healthy or
unhealthy ones whether we got our needs
met as a child but also I suppose the
care give us those closest to us if we
watch'd relationships around us so if we
had a parent that left untreated on that
the other parent we can kind of grow up
thinking that's how relationships are
and we can go one of two ways we can be
like that parent and just think well
this is normal
or we can think I'm not getting a
relationship because this is what's
gonna happen my dad left my mom or my
mom left my dad and so therefore I am
avoiding all relationships because of
that and this is the same thing it's our
way of defending as a defense mechanism
because we don't want to get hurt
because at the end of the day who wants
to get hurt and we're really really
sensitive people anyway so we get hurt
easily so sometimes it's easier just not
to be intimate with someone not let
someone get close to us and just cut cut
off but that's not healthier either with
we're supposed to have relationships and
friendships you know and if we don't do
that and we're so like independent to
the point because I talk like I said I
talked in the last video I think about
interdependence so we have independence
where it I can do everything myself I do
not need anyone then you have dependent
people like codependency away you
completely rely on someone else I can't
do anything for myself I need someone to
do it for me but then you can have
interdependence and that's what that's
where you want to be where yes R
independent but actually if you need a
bit of support you can lean on so on and
have support it's good because that were
humans we humans we're supposed to be
like part of community we are social
creatures so if you're kind of cutting
off from everyone you're actually really
missing out and I would say ask yourself
why do you kind of why don't you want to
be with someone because if it's well I
don't think anyone can be trusted Oh
chances are that's because you have a
fear of abandonment and it is a defense
mechanism but it's not really serving
its purpose we've got to learn to deal
with this trait in a healthy way to
overcome it so we can
grow relationships because that's the
wonderful thing that recovery gives us
the opportunity to have healthy stable
relationships as opposed to intense
unstable ones or none I think I'm gonna
leave that there today guys but I will
be back next week I'm sorry I'm not
getting to get through all your comments
and reply oh you still have replying one
time I'm really really busy I mentioned
you before
we've got a website that we are building
for those of us with BPD and I'm
literally so excited I have never ever
in my life been so excited about
something out the book cause pretty
excited about that that's written and
that's done so um yeah I'm I'm really
excited about this website I think it
can help a lot of people like ice I
asked you in another one you can sign up
on unhooks media I'll put the link here
below and on my author page or on the
page of my book it's on one of them you
can sign up for notifications so if we
get a lot of people say in America or we
get our people in Ireland or the UK or
Australia or Canada wherever in the
world you live if there's enough people
chances are I will get to come out and
meet you so do sign up because then we
kind to know where you are but yeah I'll
leave that there I hope you have a
wonderful weekend and I'll be back next
week love you all right