I seriously thought I was like Peter Pan. I just did not feel like I had grown up at all. I felt like a lost child stuck in an adults body.
[Music] hi guys I'm gonna do a video request I don't have the name but I know it was a girl that asked me um talking about feeling like a child because I have touched on this I touched on this the other day yeah black and white thinking the black and white thinking like dough it's all good it's all bad but it wasn't just that it wasn't just my black and white thinking that made me feel like a child I actually felt like a child and I did for years and years up until I was even in treatment now 35 now I am three years three years that treatment and when I was in treatment the lady that ran the place I think it was her she said in all her years she had never met someone so childlike I would throw tantrums if I didn't get my own way and I just I didn't I didn't realize well no maybe I did because I know I didn't feel like an adult even when I had obviously because when I went into treatment I had my eldest - I haven't had my third my son yet and I had my daughter and my thumb my first son and I never felt responsible that responsibility scared the living daylights out of me little things like I've got making lunch I really like it would fill me with this fear and anxiety and I didn't know what to do I would find that I would bicker with the children like I was a child myself don't get me wrong I can still sometimes fall into this trap whereas my dog will say something and I'll see something she'll say something and my part all shout and who's the adult here and then um but much less so I it wasn't just being a mum that made me feel like child I felt around my friends I could never take anything seriously I wasn't responsible I wasn't responsible financially even if I just say I worked in an office and I put on my suit so we're having a meeting I put my suit and I'll be look like no that's not because I didn't feel like nano like you know it inside I just felt like this lost child constantly and it's really bizarre because as a child as I grew up I always felt really mature like I'm more grown-up than any of my friends but then I was like I might Peter Pan just stopped growing up my body grew up and I looked older but inside I was still that child and I could be like it in relationships I think nearly all my relationships my partner has been at least 10 years older than me and I don't know if that's because my dad left when I was younger and I'm looking for a father figure or if just because I feel like a child I'm gonna have someone older that I feel like they can protect me they can look after me and they're gonna be responsible because they're older doesn't always mean they are but that's how I would feel because I just I always felt like a child in all different circumstances throughout my life Bohr had all these experiences and wherever I went I felt like a child I would throw tantrums like I said with to say with a partner now bearing in mind all my partners rolled up and I remember with one of my exes I was like the till not I just want to get this was really sulking at the tool is that I wanted to get something it was like look we've done our shop would just go in we're getting out of here and the lady behind the till said his daddy not letting you have your own way and I'm really at least it wasn't my daddy it's my partner um but obviously I was just behaving like such a child that people would assume that because I was a little child that wasn't getting their own way so I would throw a little tantrum I would sulk and when I talk on the lips I'd go out to I just I don't know it was horrible I don't even think for years and years I realized I was like that I knew I felt like a child don't get me wrong I knew I felt like a child but didn't think I behave like one I didn't think other people around me realized I was childlike and it wasn't until I went into treatment and got told you like the most childish person and told me maybe I do carry on like a child and I don't know how for me it stopped I think I came out of treatment I was pregnant that was really tough I was not good during the pregnancy with my last child I was started living with my partner who run with now when the baby was born my oldest who came back to live with me from my mum's and I was really thrown in the deep end so I didn't go from having a year with no kids to having a newborn I had a year with no kids and then I had three and I was thrown in the deep end and I kind of just had to and don't get me wrong to start with it was such a struggle and I probably fell to a lot of times and it took a lot of time it was about a year after the kids have been living with me a year because it was just before my youngest first birthday that my partner was like I need to move out I can't do this we had a blazing round he moved out and I was devastated of course but I didn't have a choice I had three children had to get on with it and looking back now like it was a really painful time but looking back now it was the best thing that happened to me it was the first time I had to be on my own I had my children that were looking up to me and I had to kind of find my way and work out what would work for me and it was little things like having a routine yeah the set routine was so helpful for me and yeah I think I just started to grow up I didn't notice it even now I can resort back to childlike mode now and again like I said but not very often and I'm aware when I do it and I do feel different now I don't feel like a child anymore when I'm around adults I feel like I'm an adult to where I know that sounds crazy but that's something I never ever felt like so now I do feel like an adult I do feel responsible don't get me wrong still the responsibility can scare me sometimes but if I I can handle this I can do this I am a month today and I like to think I'm quite a good mum I'm not perfect mum but I like to think for trying the best and my kids who the cup to me rather than thinking I'm like one of them as you know I am looking for somewhere bigger cuz my little flat just it's not big enough for me and my three children let alone a fourth child that is due in two months or my partner so we had not be moving hopefully in the new year beginning of the new year so literally just a month before my due date so I'm due in February 7th um but me my partner can be living together again but hopefully because we have more space it will be okay I've got fears around but whereas before I always felt I needed that person now like my partner my spawn he is 10 years older than me as well and and I think that's why I was so devastated when he left it's not daddy's leaving me obviously but like I just felt because this lost little gold that was left on my own and we're moving in together and I really hope it works out I mean things going well for us we get on we don't see each other all the time maybe that's why that are for the first time in my life I know I can do it on my own and I'm not scared to be on my own anymore and that shows me that I have grown up I don't feel like that lost child that need someone there it will be lovely that we'll get to live as a family but it's because I want to not because I need to and that is huge for me absolutely huge so yes and we'll leave that there guys and have a wonderful wonderful weekend and I will be back on Monday what you say Wednesday hoping Monday bye guys you
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