I seriously thought I was like Peter Pan. I just did not feel like I had grown up at all. I felt like a lost child stuck in an adults body.

hi guys I'm gonna do a video request I
don't have the name but I know it was a
girl that asked me um talking about
feeling like a child because I have
touched on this I touched on this the
other day yeah black and white thinking
the black and white thinking like dough
it's all good it's all bad but it wasn't
just that it wasn't just my black and
white thinking that made me feel like a
child I actually felt like a child and I
did for years and years up until I was
even in treatment now 35 now I am three
years three years that treatment and
when I was in treatment the lady that
ran the place I think it was her she
said in all her years she had never met
someone so childlike I would throw
if I didn't get my own way and I just I
didn't I didn't realize well no maybe I
did because I know I didn't feel like an
adult even when I had obviously because
when I went into treatment I had my
eldest - I haven't had my third my son
yet and I had my daughter and my thumb
my first son and I never felt
responsible that responsibility scared
the living daylights out of me
little things like I've got making lunch
I really like it would fill me with this
fear and anxiety and I didn't know what
to do I would find that I would bicker
with the children like I was a child
myself don't get me wrong I can still
sometimes fall into this trap
whereas my dog will say something and
I'll see something she'll say something
and my part all shout and who's the
adult here and then um but much less so
I it wasn't just being a mum that made
me feel like child I felt around my
friends I could never take anything
seriously I wasn't responsible I wasn't
responsible financially even if I just
say I worked in an office and I put on
my suit so we're having a meeting I put
my suit and I'll be look like no that's
not because I didn't feel like nano like
you know it inside I just felt like this
lost child constantly and it's really
bizarre because as a child as I grew up
I always felt really mature like I'm
more grown-up than any of my friends but
then I was like I might Peter Pan just
stopped growing up my body grew up and I
looked older but inside I was still that
child and I could be like it in
relationships I think nearly all my
relationships my partner has been at
least 10 years older than me and I don't
know if that's because my dad left when
I was younger and I'm looking for a
father figure or if just because I feel
like a child I'm gonna have someone
older that I feel like they can protect
me they can look after me and they're
gonna be responsible because they're
older doesn't always mean they are but
that's how I would feel because I just I
always felt like a child in all
different circumstances throughout my
life Bohr had all these experiences and
wherever I went I felt like a child
I would throw tantrums like I said with
to say with a partner now bearing in
mind all my partners rolled up and I
remember with one of my exes I was like
the till not I just want to get this was
really sulking at the tool is that I
wanted to get something it was like look
we've done our shop would just go in
we're getting out of here and the lady
behind the till said his daddy not
letting you have your own way and I'm
really at least it wasn't my daddy it's
my partner um but obviously I was just
behaving like such a child that people
would assume that because I was a little
child that wasn't getting their own way
so I would throw a little tantrum I
would sulk and when I talk on the lips
I'd go out to I just I don't know it was
horrible I don't even think for years
and years I realized I was like that I
knew I felt like a child don't get me
wrong I knew I felt like a child but
didn't think I behave like one
I didn't think other people around me
realized I was childlike and it wasn't
until I went into treatment and got told
you like the most childish person and
told me maybe I do carry on like a child
and I don't know how for me it stopped I
think I came out of treatment I was
pregnant that was really tough I was not
good during the pregnancy with my last
child I was started living with my
partner who run with now when the baby
was born
my oldest who came back to live with me
from my mum's and I was really thrown in
the deep end so I didn't go from having
a year with no kids to having a newborn
I had a year with no kids and then I had
three and I was thrown in the deep end
and I kind of just had to
and don't get me wrong to start with it
was such a struggle and I probably fell
to a lot of times and it took a lot of
time it was about a year after the kids
have been living with me a year because
it was just before my youngest first
birthday that my partner was like I need
to move out I can't do this
we had a blazing round he moved out and
I was devastated of course but I didn't
have a choice I had three children had
to get on with it
and looking back now like it was a
really painful time but looking back now
it was the best thing that happened to
me it was the first time I had to be on
my own I had my children that were
looking up to me and I had to kind of
find my way and work out what would work
for me and it was little things like
having a routine
yeah the set routine was so helpful for
me and yeah I think I just started to
grow up I didn't notice it even now I
can resort back to childlike mode now
and again like I said but not very often
and I'm aware when I do it and I do feel
different now I don't feel like a child
anymore when I'm around adults I feel
like I'm an adult to where I know that
sounds crazy but that's something I
never ever felt like so now I do feel
like an adult I do feel responsible
don't get me wrong still the
responsibility can scare me sometimes
but if I I can handle this I can do this
I am a month today and I like to think
I'm quite a good mum I'm not perfect mum
but I like to think for trying the best
and my kids who the
cup to me rather than thinking I'm like
one of them as you know I am looking for
somewhere bigger cuz my little flat just
it's not big enough for me
and my three children let alone a fourth
child that is due in two months or my
partner so we had not be moving
hopefully in the new year beginning of
the new year so literally just a month
before my due date so I'm due in
February 7th
um but me my partner can be living
together again but hopefully because we
have more space it will be okay I've got
fears around but whereas before I always
felt I needed that person now like my
partner my spawn he is 10 years older
than me as well and and I think that's
why I was so devastated when he left
it's not daddy's leaving me obviously
but like I just felt because this lost
little gold that was left on my own and
we're moving in together
and I really hope it works out I mean
things going well for us we get on we
don't see each other all the time maybe
that's why that are for the first time
in my life I know I can do it on my own
and I'm not scared to be on my own
anymore and that shows me that I have
grown up I don't feel like that lost
child that need someone there it will be
lovely that we'll get to live as a
family but it's because I want to not
because I need to and that is huge for
me absolutely huge so yes and we'll
leave that there guys and have a
wonderful wonderful weekend and I will
be back on Monday what you say Wednesday
hoping Monday bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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