hi guys happy Friday I hope all you
beautiful people are well today I am
going to be talking about what
borderline personality disorder is in a
nutshell basically borderline
personality disorder can be
characterized by our extremely extremely
intense emotions not only are our
emotions extremely extremely intense we
really struggle to regulate them so them
all over the place as you guys know
there are nine traits well there were in
the DSM for nine traits of borderline
personality disorder first of all we
have the core trait fear of abandonment
which I did a video on last week and
fear of abandonment is so hard because
we we don't think oh someone might leave
us we think they're going to leave us
there's not like a doubt in our mind we
are sure everyone we love and everyone
we're careful will eventually abandon us
living with this daily is freaking hard
because we can have really intrusive
thoughts because we're constantly
thinking why are they going to leave us
how are they going to leave us and we
make all these scenarios up in our head
and they become like a truth we actually
believe them second trade we have is
unstable relationships now considering
we have a fear of abandonment it's not
really surprising that we also have
unstable relationships but the unstable
relationships are not just caused by our
fear of abandonment I think all the
different traits of borderline can have
a huge impact on our relationships I
don't think I ever had a stable
relationship it was one moment I love
you so much
the next day I hate you I never want to
see you again and it was constantly all
my relationships were makeup and breakup
and I liked the breakup part sounds
weird but when I had a huge
Brown get out I hate you my partner at
the time would try and talk me around
and I like that
because to me that was then proof that
they love me I know that it's a bit sick
I am perfectly aware of that I don't do
that today but it is something I used to
do it's almost like a wanted to kick
them out or say it's over just to hear
them say no please don't leave me
because then I think oh my god they
actually want to be with me
so Oh like I said oh my relationships
were unstable not even just romantic
relationships friendships one minute I
could idolize a friend and want to hang
around them all the time and then I'd
feel they betrayed me and I hated them
and I never wanted to see them again I
was the same with my family members
basically anyone that was close to me I
had an unstable relationship with three
we have either an unclear or an unstable
self-image understable is where one
moment we might have a positive
self-image and think yeah what do you
know what we're quite good at our job
we're good at we do we're a good friend
we think positively about ourselves we
think everything is great and life is
going well but then it shifts and we go
to the opposite and we have negative
self-image we hate ourselves we want to
die we don't think we good at anything
we don't think we are nice people we
can't be like a nice partner a nice
family member everything about us sucks
and unclear self-image is where we don't
know who we are who am i what do I like
and I just don't know and I didn't know
I had an unclear self-image I thought I
knew who I was until I went into
treatment and I did a assignment on
self-esteem and I did an assignment on
self-image and I actually realised my
self-esteem was really low
I've put on a mask and pretended I was
this
person that was really confident and
outgoing and inside I was the complete
opposite I mirrored people around me if
I was with my mate it was a bit cockney
oh hey how you doing and I would start
talking like that if I was with someone
really posh a bit hello how are you yes
so good to see you yeah yeah and
likewise we change and I would do that
with anyone on with the weird thing is
but if I was with someone that was from
up north my voice would start going on
like all right why would I do that
but I just did it was like I constantly
mirrored other people around me because
I didn't know who I was I wanted to be
accepted and I thought if I like you you
will like me if I'm different you won't
so I would adapt to who I was with but I
wasn't actually aware that I was doing
this until I looked back and I was like
oh yeah when I was in treatment I had to
answer questions about what's your
favorite color what's your favorite film
and I was just like I have no idea I
don't know I said I like this band but
that's because my friends like them I
said I like this film but that's because
my partner liked this film what do I
like and I just didn't know and the
fourth trait that we have is impulsive
self-destructive behavior this can be
having sex with strangers gambling drugs
alcohol purging food it can also be
smaller things that don't seem really
self-destructive
but long-term they are like it might be
every time you feel slightly down you
just automatically go out and buy some
new shoes or buy some new clothes
and over time you're spending money
maybe that you don't have you might take
out credit card without thinking not
being able to pay it back not thinking
about the future but what we're doing is
we're trying to make ourselves feel okay
right now now lots of people think the
drug addiction
the alcoholism the sex addiction the
gambling they think this is the problem
and yes these things are a problem
obviously because they are
self-destructive what people don't
realize is actually the problem is our
borderline personality disorder BPD is
our problem drugs alcohol sex gambling
shopping social media whatever we do
they are our solutions they are our
coping mechanisms we use these things
and we act impulsively as a way of
coping with how we feel because of the
borderline it's really important that
when we come into recovery we don't just
think I'm just stop drinking I'm just
gonna stop using drugs I'm just gonna
stop spending money I'm just gonna stop
posting on social media because if we
just stop those things and we don't
replace them with something we're gonna
fail because they are our coping
mechanisms they are the things that help
us cope so if we get rid of them what do
we have
we're just left with our mind that is
going to drive us insane
we need something and that's why it's
important we learn new healthy coping
skills such as distress tolerance
emotional regulation and we put other
things in place of the drinking of the
drugs etc the fifth trait of BPD is
self-harm and suicidal behavior now
self-harm is very much like our
impulsive reckless behaviors in even
though it's a trait of its own what I
mean is it's our coping mechanism so
when again we come into recovery it's no
good just saying okay I'm just going to
stop that because if we have nothing to
replace it with we are going to go back
and do that because that is all we have
suicidal behavior comes
of pure desperation often we find before
we attempt a suicide or we may reach out
and try our coping mechanisms we might
drink loads we might do drugs
we might self-harm and it's when
actually we've used those things and
they don't work anymore that we're like
I can't do this and we freaked out we
may attempt suicide
obviously suicide is never the answer
ever but those of us with BPD act very
impulsive ly and we just do things we
don't think ahead
we don't think things through we're just
desperate for the pain to stop treat sex
is extreme moods I mean as if it's not
bad enough that we have unstable
relationships and a bad self-esteem and
unclear self-image we also get extreme
moots now anyone can have mood swings
where they feel bad and then they feel
good and they feel bad again the
difference with the general population
and those of us with BPD is the
frequency of our moods how often they
change and the speed at which they
change we can be laughing and happy and
joyous one minute and minutes later just
be a mess just so upset
not only this it's the intensity of
Vantage
we don't just feel I'll feel bit down
today we're like oh my god this pain is
unbearable it is so painful sadness is
more than just sadness
likewise when we're happy we're never
usually just like I'm alright we like
buzzing like we've been using drugs when
we happen
we're on an absolute cry and although
the high does feel wonderful we know the
back of our heads we are going to crash
our mood is going to crash we are not
going to stay up there
and when it does crash it's really
really hard
number seven is chronic feelings of
emptiness now we can go through periods
of like weeks with this feeling of
nothing we feel numb we want something
to make us feel alive we don't know what
it is we don't know how to do that
sometimes we will act impulsively and
use drugs and use drink etc my cameras
paused I hope that it's about anyway so
we use drugs we use drink as a way to
make us feel something we may self-harm
just so we can feel something because we
don't feel anything it's at times like
this when we go through chronic feelings
of emptiness that we actually crave the
chaos and the instability because we use
to the chaos we use through the
instability the unstable relationships
but when we just feel like nothing we
feel like we're dead inside and we're
desperate we don't know what to do to
make us feel better
number eight straight eight is our
explosive anger now I've talked to you
about my anger before my anger is not
just having a little argument with
someone I would absolutely flip out I
was there be abusive I was physically
abusive there was no holding me back I
couldn't think of the consequences when
I saw red I just saw red I was like a
bull and I charged I didn't never step
back and who calm down which I do today
by the way I can calm way so today it
took me doing anger management to help
me do that
and I'm completely different now but the
rage we feel is so intense
number nine is feeling suspicious or out
of touch with reality
I mean we've got the 8 of the traits
I've just talked about
which are hard enough one of them on
their own is hard enough but then you
bring in the fact when we feel out of
touch reality we can detach we can feel
very suspicious we start being paranoid
we can be paranoid about the future and
we can hope word I'm looking for like I
always thought something was gonna go
wrong
I didn't know what it was but I was like
if my kids are going on a journey oh my
god they're gonna be in a car accident
this is gonna happen that's gonna happen
and I thought the worst was gonna happen
all the time times I felt out of touch
with reality and I really did taps the
first time I did it was I was in primary
school and a teacher shouted at me in
front of loads well in front of the
class and I flipped out I flipped
through my desk pushing my desk forward
I ran out into the hallway she followed
me out and she was really shouting and I
remember trying to like punch her in the
stomach I was I must have been seven
years old probably seven eight years old
and I was doing this nice but I was
detached from it it was almost like
watching someone else do it and behaving
this way
I now know like that we can detach
sometimes it's actually our way of
survival our way of coping with a
difficult thing that's home when I was a
primary school I had been really
embarrassed by my teacher and I flipped
out and I detached from the situation
I remember going home and saying to my
mum that I thought I'd black foul and I
started being sent for loads of tests
because they thought I might have
epilepsy in that and it's actually only
in adulthood after I got diagnosed with
borderline personality disorder I
realised I hadn't blacked out I couldn't
explain what I was going through but it
was detachment and that's what I was
doing and that went on for years and
years just detaching whenever I was in a
difficult situation so
there you have the nine traits of BP d
including the intense emotions including
the way we can't regulate them and we
feel out of control
luckily guys for us luckily borderline
personality disorder can be managed
managed to the point that we don't know
it's that we're not even aware because
when I first went into recovery I was
like oh my god I've got learn all these
skills how am I going to practice all
these skills every day is gonna take up
my whole life doing skills but actually
the skills become your life and it just
becomes a way of living and you don't
even realize you're doing it when I
first came into recovery I found it
really really difficult because like I
said our life is chaotic my life was
complete chaos and all of sudden I
started getting some stability and I
started freaking out thinking oh my god
it's gonna be boring because I didn't
know any other way like this wasn't how
I lived my life they're not having
arguments in a relationship I felt like
the passion had gone or something I felt
like that they don't love me because the
times that there was chaos and had a big
argument we'd have lovely makeup session
and it was great and all of a sudden
there were no arguments oh there were no
makeup sessions and I was just like oh
my god
boy what's happened to my relationship
he doesn't love me and and what I would
do I would then go and sabotage I would
go out on a drink drug binge I might
self-harm or do something not explode
with anger throw a massive thing and
when I did that those that I loved would
rally round and that chaos and having
people there's and what oh they do love
me and I liked it obviously that's
really unhealthy to think like that
that is how it was in the beginning but
recovery like how we say is a process it
doesn't just happen overnight you do
take two steps forward three steps back
and that's okay because that doesn't
mean you're not on the road to recovery
it just means that is the process that
is what we go through
I used to sabotage like if I had a job
interview I would go out on an all-night
bender and walk in at 7:00 a.m.
completely drunk thinking I'll get my
suit on and go and have a job interview
and it wouldn't happen but I would I was
really really good at self sabotaging
everything and anything in my life
again that was my that was my recovery
process and it's got me where I am today
and I I kind of had to make those
mistakes because we learn from mistakes
I had to trust in the recovery process
and think no life isn't gonna be boring
and people are still going to love you
you don't have to act impulsively or
cause the scene and just to have
everyone rally around you that doesn't
mean they love you more when you like
that but it took me a while to get there
like I said like I always say it doesn't
happen overnight but recovery is
possible and it's absolutely amazing and
having the stability to live life on
life's terms is amazing and what I mean
by life's terms is it doesn't mean you
come into recovery and know bad
happens it is just wonderful all the
time because that isn't life things do
happen but when you're in recovery you
can cope with it you don't have those
intense feelings of sadness you can
desperation feeling out control you
actually feel in control and you can
deal with each day as it comes I no
longer worry about the future
I know wrong longer sit and dwell on the
past I just think about today and and it
works for me because before I'd spent so
long
either worrying about the future or
worrying about the past that I was
missing the present moment and today I
don't do that so I'm gonna have to check
this video over because it paused for a
long time and I'm hoping it's still
recorded okay
but I hope you guys have a wonderful
wonderful wonderful weekend and I have
some wonderful news actually this week
my brother Daniel and his beautiful wife
Emma have a little baby so I'm an auntie
and it's the first time I'm an auntie
because I have my brother's call Connor
and Daniel and Colin Kyle don't have any
children but Daniel now has so I have
little nephew called James Notley I love
the name and he's absolutely gorgeous so
yeah I'm really happy
how many wonderful weekend guys and I
will be back next week I love you all
loads