hi happy Friday
and Happy Thanksgiving to all my
American viewers for yesterday I hope
you had a fantastic day and today I'm
going to do a video that has been
requested quite a few times actually
it's all on personality disorder and
memory loss
now M I'm actually going to combine it
after sort of thought because I keep
getting asked to do as well BPD and
dissociation where we dissociate from
what's happening and it's almost like
it's not real and I'm going to kind
combine them actually that makes sense
it sounds good in my head because I just
had the thought but I don't know if this
is going to work let's see um I am going
to take you back to when I was how old
would I've been I was in primary school
nine or ten years old and I remember the
classroom as in and I remember the
teacher and this is Gomes and I got in
trouble for something now this is I
don't remember what I got in trouble for
but she really shouted and I remember
sitting there and I remember the class
like all these eyes on me everyone must
have gone turned around to see what
Shireen was getting in trouble for and
it was like I fell I dissociated I jut
like it was like I jumped out my body it
was like it wasn't happening to me I
didn't know what was going on it was a
really freaky feeling it was the first
time that I can ever remember a
happening everything kind of felt like
it was almost like a dream and I must
have shouted my friends told me after I
shouted but this is where my first bit
of memory loss kinda came in because I
don't remember what happened by remember
then being in the hallway with this
teacher
and she was telling me off and
everything just again still didn't feel
real I felt like I was in a dream it was
really weird what was happening and I
remember like pushing her and then
that's it that's all I remember
and I kind of heard after she chased him
down the stairs probably I tried to pull
her downstairs or like there was all
these things that happened that I just
did not remember and that's when the
dissociation started and after that I
felt it more often and I couldn't
explain I was only really young and I
kind of explained to my mom like
something weird is happening to me it's
like I'm not there a lot she took me to
the doctors and I was referred for like
MRI scans I thought maybe exactly let's
see I was having some kind of seizure
but nothing ever showed up because
obviously it wasn't bad and yeah that
was my first instance of both this is
disassociation dissociation and memory
loss let's move on and memory loss then
throughout my life I remember again I
must have been in my 20s and I was
driving my car driving down the road
this is a different type of memory loss
now all of a sudden these memories
started like flooding back to me of an
instance I'm not going to go into it but
it was an incident I was 14 years old
and it's with my first boyfriend and it
really shook me up all this memory that
I just could not I don't have never
remember it and it was like it hit me
and I pulled the car over to the side of
the road you just burst into tears and I
drove and I talked to my mom about it
and so that's the kind of different kind
of entry look loss in the fact that that
was something that happened ages ago
that I'd obviously just blocks out
that has happened a few times when
something comes back
why wouldn't I remember that that was a
huge thing why would I not remember that
but obviously my brain didn't like it
and I did block it out but with the
borderline personality disorder I found
a lot of times where I would lose it and
go crazy what it was my family my
partner and I would say things and I
just I couldn't remember doing it I
don't remember what I said they would be
adamant I said it I would be adamant
that I had not said it and it was like
my blade my bright in my bling my brain
just wouldn't remember her and I start
thinking that's really weird because I
have gore or I had at least a very good
memory and I was good at memorizing
things so how can me with a good memory
not remember something that happened a
few hours ago or not remember something
that happened yesterday and I don't know
what it is but a lot of the times when I
would completely lose it it's like the
emotions were so intense and I would be
going like and all of a sudden it was
like it was like I came out my body like
this I didn't come out my body it was
like I was a different person I was
someone else it wasn't real it was a
dream it wasn't reality and so I don't
know if it was to do with the
dissociation that the memory lost came
in um but that did happen it and it used
to really freak me out obviously now to
be fair I drank a lot of alcohol and I
used a lot of drugs like on a daily
basis
so when you're drinking in using drugs
sometimes like you hear stories about
people that wake up the next day they
just don't remember I was like how did
we get there last night how did we do
that last night and so some of it can be
put down to that but I didn't just lose
it and go mad at people when I was
drinking and using it wasn't just when
she drinks and uses this is what she
does because there were times that I
wasn't drinking and I wasn't using and I
still do exactly the same and I still
wouldn't remember it I don't know why
this happens to us but I know it is
common and it can happen a lot and I
would love to say and this is what I did
and then I started remembering but I
don't know I just don't it wasn't until
I started coming into recovery that I
started doing less things I suppose that
I wanted to forget about so I didn't
need my brain didn't need to block
things out because I wasn't kind of
behaving in that way and so today my
memory is alright um sure I forget
things sometimes I like to think that's
because I'm pregnant and I have three
children so I'm just so busy but yeah I
I don't know how people who saw it I
don't know if it is something that there
can be stopped
because when your emotions and that
intense Howard if we are dissociating
from it I don't know but I thought a
touch on the subject and let you know
that this is something that I went
through quite a lot and worse thing was
I would be dying and people go you can't
you can't forget that you know what you
said you know what you did and I was
like but I didn't say that and then
you're just pretending they thought I
was a liar and heated that because I
generally didn't believe I did it but
now looking back
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why wouldn't they think our is lying
because obviously I had done it and to
then they don't understand so it's kind
of having acceptance and just thinking
okay maybe I did but is really hard when
you really believe like because you have
no memory and you think now of anything
well that does sound like something I
would do that does sound like something
I'd say uh but yeah it wasn't nice cuz
then I'll be like you calling me a liar
you're calling me a lot I know what I
said
um but obviously I didn't say all right
my lovelies I'm going to try and crack
on do another video for you because it
is the weekend so I'm gonna try and
spread some ant but have a great weekend
and as always love you all bye