hi guys today I'm doing a video uh
because of a comment
I basically received yesterday and I
don't usually reply to comments via
video but I felt I should because
there's been a few things that been
playing on my mind and so I thought I'd
do a video about it basically the
comment was from a lady and it was on
one of my videos about me being a mom
and the effects BPD has on our children
and I got very angry comment from a lady
who said one she felt I was minimalizing
yet and borderlines tend to light as she
does not reassure how into my recovery I
am and that I wouldn't ever understand
the damage I've caused to my children
until they are grown and have families
of their own and she didn't feel I had a
right to comment on behalf of children
with a BPD parent because I'm not one my
parents didn't have borderline so I did
reply to her I could tell she was angry
and I did say this and she actually
replied again saying like she was more
than her her mom who had borderline
basically caused so much emotional
damage to herself I think her sister and
her dad and I won't go into it but her
mum did some awful things so I can
completely empathize um I really feel
for her because I know as a borderline
we can hurt people but there was a few
reasons I'm going to do this video
because I don't believe everything that
was said on her part was completely
accurate and yeah and I felt I should do
this video because people with
borderline might read her comment and it
could really affect them one thing I did
say was um that video
some of my videos are aimed at people
with borderline and if a family member
or someone who doesn't have borderline
watches it they might take it might take
offense likewise if I do a video aimed
at family members someone with BPD might
take offense I know I have done one on
boundaries before and in some of my
videos I say to family members you have
to look after yourself and someone with
not BPD might take that to mean like
well you're telling them to forget about
us and that's not the case but different
videos are aimed at different people I'm
not saying people with borderline
shouldn't watch the family ones or the
family one should watch the borderline
ones but um I am going to talk about it
in a certain way depending who I'm
aiming the video app and I'm never going
to be able to please everyone right but
let's get on first of all I wanted to
talk about the minimizing it because
that is one thing I do not do on my
channel I do not minimize it I know the
harms we cause I do not need to go into
the nitty gritty detail I have told you
I have said the most hurtful hurtful
things to the people closest to me
people like my mom I don't need to go
into what I said but just trust me these
are things that you would not say to
your worst enemy I have been violent to
those that I love and so I am note by no
means saying that no I didn't do that no
I didn't hurt because I hurt a lot of
people and I know that but today I can
own up to it I yet do I feel bad of
course if I could change things I would
but I can't so all I can do is focus on
not hurting someone today regarding my
children I did DBT in the two
years before my first child my daughter
Amelia Daisy was born a baby in a chair
so when she was born I had all these
skills in place I was no longer having
violent outbursts I was by no means
recovered and but I was recovering I was
nowhere near as bad as I used to be so
she did not see the violent outburst
when Amelia Daisy was about 18 months
Keon was born my son my second one and
when he was three months old my
something happened in my relationship
with my ex-husband the marriage started
to break down and I turned to drinking
drugs one thing that I can remember was
having little Amelia Daisy in the car
and I just cried every day I could not
stop crying and I remember looking
around and I'd have tears streaming down
my face and she would just be sad
looking so sad and do I think that's
caused damage I don't know I wish I
could have been able to control my
emotions then because I don't think is
nice for any child to see their mum
crying like that especially as
beforehand I hadn't been like that but
what I have done since then is when the
marriage started breaking down I
couldn't stop crying
I was drinking more I was using drugs
more I went to live with my mum because
my children needed to be protected and I
knew that they needed some stability
around them which they weren't going to
have with myself my ex-husband so we
moved in with my mum and we stayed there
up until I went into rehab
now before I went into rehab and my
daughter was she was nearly four so she
was still three and but she was turning
four in the July and she was starting
school in the September and so I went up
to the school with my ex-husband
and I told the school everything my
ex-husband was really cross he didn't
see the point
and because he felt well you're going to
rehab you're going to sort out why tell
them but I knew I had to let them know
everything I had to let them know about
my borderline personality disorder I had
to let them know about my constant
crying my suicide attempts and my drug
addiction alcoholism and I told them
everything because I knew that then they
could look out for my little girl and
maybe they could spot signs that things
aren't quite right that I might not
necessarily notice sorry I thought I
paused the video and so yeah did I want
to do that well yeah I did want to do it
was really embarrassing having to sit
there and say these things but I knew I
was doing it to protect my daughter when
I went into rehab it was absolutely
heartbreaking because I was very very
close with my little girl
and they would come and visit me every
week and seeing her sad little face
having to leave me every week was awful
and I don't like to think about it then
but it happened and I dunno I had to go
to rehab I wouldn't be here today had I
not gone the damage caused to my
children could have been a lot greater
so I did that my children actually live
with my mum for a year and and then they
came to live with me at which point I
was no longer using drugs I was no
longer needing alcohol every single day
like I wasn't drinking and I was
managing my borderline personality
disorder I had my other two children in
recovery so they haven't seen any
outbursts so when I talk about my
children um I'm not minimalizing err I
am one of the lucky ones I kind of
started to get into recovery before I
had them they were very very young and
they haven't they haven't witnessed
anything I've never been violent towards
my children I do not slap my children do
not smoke
my children I can however have down days
where I'm grumpy and I might be a bit
snappy or moody but I talk about that
with my kids today I'll sit down and say
mommy's really sorry I'm really sorry
I've been a bit Moody it's not you I'm
having a bit of a bad day and I
explained and likewise they can do that
with me they talk about their feelings
with me and my daughter for instance
might say I'm just feeling really sad
and I don't know why and we'll talk
about it why it could be and it then it
works like turns out I'm just really
tired and I'm like had an argument with
a friend at school or whatever and when
my children came to over me I went
straight up to this new school that they
were going to and I told the school
everything that I told the first school
and when my daughter moved from the
infant school here to the junior school
I did exactly the same I went in I told
them all about my past addiction and the
borderline personality disorder and even
my partner now was like I don't see why
you need to do that because you're in
recovery but I say because you never
know if I had elapsed or something I
want people on the outside to know and
to look out for my children so I'm not
minimizing out I am a fortunate one I
also had a lot of support around me that
helped me especially my mum who like
looked after my children for me and the
lady that commented also mentioned there
she's done research and a lot of people
say that borderlines are incapable of
unconditional love and I think that's
complete rubbish and I think that's a
really damaging thing to say because I
absolutely unconditionally love my
children and I know plenty of other
people with borderline personality
disorder
have unconditional love for their
children the lady mentioned a site hope
can't remember the name some guy and I
went on there last as long life god this
is horrific
like literally tearing apart borderline
personality disorder people that have it
we are evil we are demons basically I
would not suggest going there I will not
be mentioning the name of the site and
but it's so so damaging now however that
site and that the guy she was talking
about is aimed at people that have been
hurt borderline whereas my site I am
aiming it at people with borderline but
also family members but to give them an
insight into how we work how our mind
works etc and some of my videos are
aimed at people with borderline some of
my videos I aimed at family members now
some one with borderline might watch a
video for a family member and take
offence and vice versa now I'm not
saying people with borderline shouldn't
watch my videos for family or the other
way around but just be aware who the
video is aimed at because I can't please
everyone I know I've done family videos
for family members saying like you need
to protect yourself you need to put
boundaries in place now someone with
borderline might watch that and really
take offense and I don't want that but I
am I'm just trying to kind of I want to
break the stigma around borderline and
can it baby chatting away to yourself
and I want to break the stigma I want
people to understand us I have said in
another video I did recently about do we
contribute to the stigma when we kind of
go on these sites for family members and
help you will mm how dare you because
then they they're just seeing side of us
getting really defensive and actually
that's not who we are
now another thing I want to point
is there are literally so many different
types of borderline personality disorder
I'm going to read you the DSM the dsm-5
the nine traits okay one frantic efforts
to avoid real or imagined abandonment
this doesn't include suicide to a
pattern of unstable and intense
interpersonal relationships three
identity disturbance for impulsivity and
at least two areas that are potentially
self damaging five recurrent suicidal
behavior or self-mutilating behavior six
affective instability due to marked
reactivity of mood seven chronic
feelings of emptiness eight
inappropriate intense anger or
difficulty controlling anger nine
transient stress-related paranoid
ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
now to be classed as having borderline
personality disorder you have to have
five of them but it doesn't say what
five so some people might have six of
them some might have seven so I might
have a nine some might have five but
they can all be different ones so it
doesn't mean every person with
borderline has the same trace also if we
do have the same traits for example let
me choose one impulsivity
okay so impulsivity I might use drugs
and alcohol someone else might go
shopping and spend all their money
someone else might do gambling someone
else might just set the way we show
these trades are different we are not
all the same
likewise you get some people with
borderline that are outwardly angry and
will attack those around them others the
quiet borderline not so much they keep
it inside they internalize it
I think like the site that I looked at
and this lady was saying um in her
message basically because she liked this
site because she said basically
describes her month to a tee and that's
fair enough
but we are not all the same we there are
good people and there are bad people in
every Walker life there are good people
with borderline personality disorder
there are bad people with borderline
personality disorder
likewise you get some awful nasty
horrible horrible people that don't have
border and personality disorder
another thing is a lot of people with
BPD have suffered abuse but not all of
them so they might then carry this in to
adulthood and likewise in turn I'm not
saying every one of the way I'm just
saying there might be some that they've
been abused so it's like the vicious
cycle so they go on they have their
children they abuse their children but
you also get that with people that don't
have BPD people that don't have it but
have been a few abused that go on to
abuse that is not just a borderline
thing I think saying all borderlines are
like this is really really damaging
because that's not the case just like
every single person in the world that
suffers depression they're not all the
same we have our own individual
personality our own values our own
beliefs there's a lot that kind of
contributes to think the way we are our
upbringing our circumstances around us
and to label all borderlines
and demons and say they will all hurt
you they will all do this they all lie
none of them are capable of
unconditional love
well I think I think that's really
really damaging thing to say because
that is not the case
and I can speak on behalf of a lot of
people with borderline personality
disorder and say that is complete
rubbish people with borderline I've met
people with borderline personality
disorder that are the most loving caring
people that are capable of unconditional
love what you've got understand
borderline is we can't control our
emotions the way we react everyone is
different we are not all the same and to
see these websites where you just say
this is what they do well though that's
mind-boggling to me because what a load
of rubbish
and unfortunately there are people like
this lady who I really feel bad for
because I do feel bad for anyone that
has been really her but she's seen what
her mum's done and her mum has
borderline so she's automatically
assumed every personal borderline is
like that and that is so sad
and it's is this kind of thing that adds
to the stigma and makes like people tear
us all with the same brush and think
we're all horrible evil people and that
couldn't be further from the truth and
so yeah I really wanted to do this video
because one I am NOT someone that sugar
coats over things I can you hear the
baby chatting away
all right chatterbox
oh right Tessa Burks it's gone quiet and
I own the stuff that I've done I know I
haven't been a nice person but I'm lucky
that not everyone gave up on me I got
support my children have got support
and because I think that's so important
as well it's the ones that don't get the
support that then they risk yet they
risk growing up being damaged but more
support is needed for people with BPD
and for the loved ones as well this
video is a bit long I'm sorry about that
did you know like I said about the nine
trades and we can have all different
things apparently like there's over 200
I think in 50 combinations and even then
just say the 250 different combination I
don't know the exact number don't quote
me guys but even with that we will
Express the traits differently so just
think how different we actually all are
my channel is here not to say but what
BBC's lovely we're all great um because
I know we can hurt people buy items I
can speak for myself not everyone with
BPD goes around hurting people someone
with like fear of abandonment for
example might just go from one partner
to another to another to another turn up
others might get deep deep like big deep
loving relationship really intense and
won't be with this person forever but
have a really unstable relationship and
others just don't have a relationship
they avoid at all costs and I think it's
good to raise awareness
I think sites like the one that this
lady mentioned are not helpful for us
people with BPD we shouldn't be having
to listen to stuff like that about
ourselves because it's completely
inaccurate um but if family members have
been hurt can relay obviously they've
got someone that's like that
and they find it helpful that's fine but
I just think it's really wrong to label
everyone with BPD as having that like I
said in my video the other day I went
out three guys that were capricorns and
I could be like well we've never got all
capricorns stay away from Capricorn men
they are bad news that's why I could be
like but it's it's not like that
everyone's different and saying like but
like I said someone with depression you
could have had loads of people with
depression they're all different just
because they have depression they are
not then all the same and it's the same
with borderline personality disorder yes
we have this a disorder no we are not
the same
I'm going to leave that there guys to my
fellow borderlines we've got to kind of
stand together like I said and instead
of taking the bait and biting and saying
how dare you say this about us we should
just ignore it because it's not helpful
to us all we can do let's focus on us we
will focus on our recovery not what
other people think about our recovery
and about us so if family members I know
a lot of you out there have been really
hurt by people with borderline the lady
that commented actually mentioned she's
in therapy now and I think that's really
really good because so often you can be
left damaged and in need of therapy and
it's important you get that help as well
so you can kind of talk through things
and process things so I'm here for all
of you and yeah I'm going to leave that
there like I said I'm sorry it's such a
long video guys I love you all bye
you