I received a comment the other day from a lady who had been really hurt by her BPD mother. Whilst I understand her hurt and anger I have to disagree that all people with BPD are the same. I discuss my own children in this video and why I don’t believe I minimize things in my videos in regards to my BPD.
hi guys today I'm doing a video uh because of a comment I basically received yesterday and I don't usually reply to comments via video but I felt I should because there's been a few things that been playing on my mind and so I thought I'd do a video about it basically the comment was from a lady and it was on one of my videos about me being a mom and the effects BPD has on our children and I got very angry comment from a lady who said one she felt I was minimalizing yet and borderlines tend to light as she does not reassure how into my recovery I am and that I wouldn't ever understand the damage I've caused to my children until they are grown and have families of their own and she didn't feel I had a right to comment on behalf of children with a BPD parent because I'm not one my parents didn't have borderline so I did reply to her I could tell she was angry and I did say this and she actually replied again saying like she was more than her her mom who had borderline basically caused so much emotional damage to herself I think her sister and her dad and I won't go into it but her mum did some awful things so I can completely empathize um I really feel for her because I know as a borderline we can hurt people but there was a few reasons I'm going to do this video because I don't believe everything that was said on her part was completely accurate and yeah and I felt I should do this video because people with borderline might read her comment and it could really affect them one thing I did say was um that video some of my videos are aimed at people with borderline and if a family member or someone who doesn't have borderline watches it they might take it might take offense likewise if I do a video aimed at family members someone with BPD might take offense I know I have done one on boundaries before and in some of my videos I say to family members you have to look after yourself and someone with not BPD might take that to mean like well you're telling them to forget about us and that's not the case but different videos are aimed at different people I'm not saying people with borderline shouldn't watch the family ones or the family one should watch the borderline ones but um I am going to talk about it in a certain way depending who I'm aiming the video app and I'm never going to be able to please everyone right but let's get on first of all I wanted to talk about the minimizing it because that is one thing I do not do on my channel I do not minimize it I know the harms we cause I do not need to go into the nitty gritty detail I have told you I have said the most hurtful hurtful things to the people closest to me people like my mom I don't need to go into what I said but just trust me these are things that you would not say to your worst enemy I have been violent to those that I love and so I am note by no means saying that no I didn't do that no I didn't hurt because I hurt a lot of people and I know that but today I can own up to it I yet do I feel bad of course if I could change things I would but I can't so all I can do is focus on not hurting someone today regarding my children I did DBT in the two years before my first child my daughter Amelia Daisy was born a baby in a chair so when she was born I had all these skills in place I was no longer having violent outbursts I was by no means recovered and but I was recovering I was nowhere near as bad as I used to be so she did not see the violent outburst when Amelia Daisy was about 18 months Keon was born my son my second one and when he was three months old my something happened in my relationship with my ex-husband the marriage started to break down and I turned to drinking drugs one thing that I can remember was having little Amelia Daisy in the car and I just cried every day I could not stop crying and I remember looking around and I'd have tears streaming down my face and she would just be sad looking so sad and do I think that's caused damage I don't know I wish I could have been able to control my emotions then because I don't think is nice for any child to see their mum crying like that especially as beforehand I hadn't been like that but what I have done since then is when the marriage started breaking down I couldn't stop crying I was drinking more I was using drugs more I went to live with my mum because my children needed to be protected and I knew that they needed some stability around them which they weren't going to have with myself my ex-husband so we moved in with my mum and we stayed there up until I went into rehab now before I went into rehab and my daughter was she was nearly four so she was still three and but she was turning four in the July and she was starting school in the September and so I went up to the school with my ex-husband and I told the school everything my ex-husband was really cross he didn't see the point and because he felt well you're going to rehab you're going to sort out why tell them but I knew I had to let them know everything I had to let them know about my borderline personality disorder I had to let them know about my constant crying my suicide attempts and my drug addiction alcoholism and I told them everything because I knew that then they could look out for my little girl and maybe they could spot signs that things aren't quite right that I might not necessarily notice sorry I thought I paused the video and so yeah did I want to do that well yeah I did want to do it was really embarrassing having to sit there and say these things but I knew I was doing it to protect my daughter when I went into rehab it was absolutely heartbreaking because I was very very close with my little girl and they would come and visit me every week and seeing her sad little face having to leave me every week was awful and I don't like to think about it then but it happened and I dunno I had to go to rehab I wouldn't be here today had I not gone the damage caused to my children could have been a lot greater so I did that my children actually live with my mum for a year and and then they came to live with me at which point I was no longer using drugs I was no longer needing alcohol every single day like I wasn't drinking and I was managing my borderline personality disorder I had my other two children in recovery so they haven't seen any outbursts so when I talk about my children um I'm not minimalizing err I am one of the lucky ones I kind of started to get into recovery before I had them they were very very young and they haven't they haven't witnessed anything I've never been violent towards my children I do not slap my children do not smoke my children I can however have down days where I'm grumpy and I might be a bit snappy or moody but I talk about that with my kids today I'll sit down and say mommy's really sorry I'm really sorry I've been a bit Moody it's not you I'm having a bit of a bad day and I explained and likewise they can do that with me they talk about their feelings with me and my daughter for instance might say I'm just feeling really sad and I don't know why and we'll talk about it why it could be and it then it works like turns out I'm just really tired and I'm like had an argument with a friend at school or whatever and when my children came to over me I went straight up to this new school that they were going to and I told the school everything that I told the first school and when my daughter moved from the infant school here to the junior school I did exactly the same I went in I told them all about my past addiction and the borderline personality disorder and even my partner now was like I don't see why you need to do that because you're in recovery but I say because you never know if I had elapsed or something I want people on the outside to know and to look out for my children so I'm not minimizing out I am a fortunate one I also had a lot of support around me that helped me especially my mum who like looked after my children for me and the lady that commented also mentioned there she's done research and a lot of people say that borderlines are incapable of unconditional love and I think that's complete rubbish and I think that's a really damaging thing to say because I absolutely unconditionally love my children and I know plenty of other people with borderline personality disorder have unconditional love for their children the lady mentioned a site hope can't remember the name some guy and I went on there last as long life god this is horrific like literally tearing apart borderline personality disorder people that have it we are evil we are demons basically I would not suggest going there I will not be mentioning the name of the site and but it's so so damaging now however that site and that the guy she was talking about is aimed at people that have been hurt borderline whereas my site I am aiming it at people with borderline but also family members but to give them an insight into how we work how our mind works etc and some of my videos are aimed at people with borderline some of my videos I aimed at family members now some one with borderline might watch a video for a family member and take offence and vice versa now I'm not saying people with borderline shouldn't watch my videos for family or the other way around but just be aware who the video is aimed at because I can't please everyone I know I've done family videos for family members saying like you need to protect yourself you need to put boundaries in place now someone with borderline might watch that and really take offense and I don't want that but I am I'm just trying to kind of I want to break the stigma around borderline and can it baby chatting away to yourself and I want to break the stigma I want people to understand us I have said in another video I did recently about do we contribute to the stigma when we kind of go on these sites for family members and help you will mm how dare you because then they they're just seeing side of us getting really defensive and actually that's not who we are now another thing I want to point is there are literally so many different types of borderline personality disorder I'm going to read you the DSM the dsm-5 the nine traits okay one frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment this doesn't include suicide to a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships three identity disturbance for impulsivity and at least two areas that are potentially self damaging five recurrent suicidal behavior or self-mutilating behavior six affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood seven chronic feelings of emptiness eight inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger nine transient stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms now to be classed as having borderline personality disorder you have to have five of them but it doesn't say what five so some people might have six of them some might have seven so I might have a nine some might have five but they can all be different ones so it doesn't mean every person with borderline has the same trace also if we do have the same traits for example let me choose one impulsivity okay so impulsivity I might use drugs and alcohol someone else might go shopping and spend all their money someone else might do gambling someone else might just set the way we show these trades are different we are not all the same likewise you get some people with borderline that are outwardly angry and will attack those around them others the quiet borderline not so much they keep it inside they internalize it I think like the site that I looked at and this lady was saying um in her message basically because she liked this site because she said basically describes her month to a tee and that's fair enough but we are not all the same we there are good people and there are bad people in every Walker life there are good people with borderline personality disorder there are bad people with borderline personality disorder likewise you get some awful nasty horrible horrible people that don't have border and personality disorder another thing is a lot of people with BPD have suffered abuse but not all of them so they might then carry this in to adulthood and likewise in turn I'm not saying every one of the way I'm just saying there might be some that they've been abused so it's like the vicious cycle so they go on they have their children they abuse their children but you also get that with people that don't have BPD people that don't have it but have been a few abused that go on to abuse that is not just a borderline thing I think saying all borderlines are like this is really really damaging because that's not the case just like every single person in the world that suffers depression they're not all the same we have our own individual personality our own values our own beliefs there's a lot that kind of contributes to think the way we are our upbringing our circumstances around us and to label all borderlines and demons and say they will all hurt you they will all do this they all lie none of them are capable of unconditional love well I think I think that's really really damaging thing to say because that is not the case and I can speak on behalf of a lot of people with borderline personality disorder and say that is complete rubbish people with borderline I've met people with borderline personality disorder that are the most loving caring people that are capable of unconditional love what you've got understand borderline is we can't control our emotions the way we react everyone is different we are not all the same and to see these websites where you just say this is what they do well though that's mind-boggling to me because what a load of rubbish and unfortunately there are people like this lady who I really feel bad for because I do feel bad for anyone that has been really her but she's seen what her mum's done and her mum has borderline so she's automatically assumed every personal borderline is like that and that is so sad and it's is this kind of thing that adds to the stigma and makes like people tear us all with the same brush and think we're all horrible evil people and that couldn't be further from the truth and so yeah I really wanted to do this video because one I am NOT someone that sugar coats over things I can you hear the baby chatting away all right chatterbox oh right Tessa Burks it's gone quiet and I own the stuff that I've done I know I haven't been a nice person but I'm lucky that not everyone gave up on me I got support my children have got support and because I think that's so important as well it's the ones that don't get the support that then they risk yet they risk growing up being damaged but more support is needed for people with BPD and for the loved ones as well this video is a bit long I'm sorry about that did you know like I said about the nine trades and we can have all different things apparently like there's over 200 I think in 50 combinations and even then just say the 250 different combination I don't know the exact number don't quote me guys but even with that we will Express the traits differently so just think how different we actually all are my channel is here not to say but what BBC's lovely we're all great um because I know we can hurt people buy items I can speak for myself not everyone with BPD goes around hurting people someone with like fear of abandonment for example might just go from one partner to another to another to another turn up others might get deep deep like big deep loving relationship really intense and won't be with this person forever but have a really unstable relationship and others just don't have a relationship they avoid at all costs and I think it's good to raise awareness I think sites like the one that this lady mentioned are not helpful for us people with BPD we shouldn't be having to listen to stuff like that about ourselves because it's completely inaccurate um but if family members have been hurt can relay obviously they've got someone that's like that and they find it helpful that's fine but I just think it's really wrong to label everyone with BPD as having that like I said in my video the other day I went out three guys that were capricorns and I could be like well we've never got all capricorns stay away from Capricorn men they are bad news that's why I could be like but it's it's not like that everyone's different and saying like but like I said someone with depression you could have had loads of people with depression they're all different just because they have depression they are not then all the same and it's the same with borderline personality disorder yes we have this a disorder no we are not the same I'm going to leave that there guys to my fellow borderlines we've got to kind of stand together like I said and instead of taking the bait and biting and saying how dare you say this about us we should just ignore it because it's not helpful to us all we can do let's focus on us we will focus on our recovery not what other people think about our recovery and about us so if family members I know a lot of you out there have been really hurt by people with borderline the lady that commented actually mentioned she's in therapy now and I think that's really really good because so often you can be left damaged and in need of therapy and it's important you get that help as well so you can kind of talk through things and process things so I'm here for all of you and yeah I'm going to leave that there like I said I'm sorry it's such a long video guys I love you all bye you
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.