hi beautiful people happy Friday today I
am filming in the snug because I fancied
a change which is quite weird Ashley
goes today's videos on how we don't deal
well with change I'm actually going to
do two video requests today the first
one is from Lebanese brunette and she
asked me to talk about change
so hello and the second video request is
from Patrick McCarthy and he asked me to
talk about Romania Sam hi Patrick
so I'll start with change those of us
with BPD do not cope very well with
change and I'm not just talking about
huge life changes for example moving
house or moving to a new area a new job
your relationship a close friend leaving
the country to live abroad because
obviously these major changes do floor
us but I think anyone would find they
have some kind of to know mmm they just
wouldn't go with the flow change I think
can be difficult for anyone is what I'm
trying to say but for us it's not just
the big changes we get really affected
by the tiniest tiniest change now for
example uh if I was to say every
Thursday I met a friend the same friend
for coffee and it was just my routine
that's what we did on Thursday was meet
my friend a coffee date one day on
Thursday morning she texts me saying she
didn't feel well and she could not see
me that Thursday that would absolutely
ruin my day it would put my whole day
out I would feel miserable and it wasn't
just
my fear of abandonment of thinking I bet
she is well and she could see me but she
chose not to it wouldn't be that
obviously I think that's kind of at the
back of our heads but when we we do
really well with routine and we kind of
get quite set in our ways and we feel
stability and it's nice because we feel
safe because we kind of know what's
ahead of us there are no surprises so
when all of a sudden something happens
and there is a huge chain not a huge
change TV to annotate and it comes out
the blue and it makes us feel unstable
we we don't feel safe because something
new has happened that was not in our
vision we haven't planned that to happen
and I think that's a lot of it we kind
of we see things and our mind and expect
them to be this certain way and when
they are different it really throws us
now a lot of the small changes might be
to do with other people obviously we are
powerless over other people we cannot
control other people and we cannot
control things so if someone gets sick
or someone decides they've made other
plans we can't change that and that can
kind of make us feel really powerless
like this completely out of a control
which it is but we don't deal very well
with it I remember I used to go to my
mum's house every day and I'd get there
just before she finished work and one
day she said that that evening she had
to she was going to see a friend and I
can remember it really threw me i oh
well now what then what do I do now
where does that leave me because it was
completely unexpected and that's another
thing all blurry video
we kind of have certain expectations of
things to go a certain way or peopled at
the head to behave a certain way or do a
certain thing and when our expectations
aren't met it again makes us feel kind
out of control obviously it's not just
people that can cause small changes in
our lives
I remember this is going to sound really
pathetic there was a certain kind of eye
shadow primer that I liked and it ran
out and I went to the shop to buy some
more and I was told it was discontinued
and it completely floored me because I
was like oh my god I like I felt
panicked oh my god how am I gonna do my
eyeshadow now nevermind the fact that
there's loads of eyeshadow primers out
there and nevermind the fact that the
company that did this eyeshadow had
bought out a different one that didn't
matter the one that I liked and I had
been using for years had stopped and I
didn't like it I really didn't like it I
mean now - you know I survived I
survived the crisis I found a new primer
but honestly I just I didn't do well
with the change it kind of completely
threw me out it was something I was used
to and I was really upset I felt like
writing for the company to say why did
you stop this primer obviously it
probably didn't sell very well I might
have been the only one buying so no
wonder they discontinued it but I didn't
see it like that I was just like how
could a tree
get someone hooked on it then take it
away and rant over but yeah change it
can be the tiniest thing I again another
thing that really bothers me is the
weather if I plan to say see a friend
and say oh we'll go for a nice pub lunch
in the sunshine lovely and you say yeah
and then I wake up the next day and it's
raining which it does a lot in this
country it really throws me on well I
don't want to go there now
I'd open lunch forget it forget lunch my
day has been ruined by the rain which is
really dramatic but maybe that is why we
are part of the dramatic and erratic
personalities but it's not like just put
on drama right that's how I feel like
and you know our feelings are intense
and we know because they did a brain
workshop little one and that our
fight-or-flight response is easily
triggered and I think for any change for
us it figures it triggered that like
that fear and the panic a lot of us also
suffer anxiety anyway and anxiety is
only heightened by change because
especially when the change comes
completely out of the blue no matter how
small it is it completely throws us and
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we kind of feel like we don't know
what's happening next is there going to
be more change what my character is
something else changes
I said what was that just gonna say yeah
like even change if even change when I
got into a recovery when things started
calming down around me you think a lot
of us we are in such a painful place
most of the time our relationships are
like this and we're like we just want to
have a normal life where we go through
each day just happy and calm and then we
find recovery and we get the calm and
it's like well I want some chaos because
for us we're not used to it we're used
to the chaos the chaos has become
familiar to us and all right yeah it's
painful and we hate it at the time it's
what we used to so then when that
changes it's like oh my god it's my life
completely boring and dull now I need an
unstable relationship which we don't of
course we don't but it is that change
and that change really really does
affect us my advice regarding change is
kind of to not have expectations to use
techniques such as mindfulness or
meditation so when that change happens
and we like what we're gonna do just
deep breathing and calm ourselves
because the anxiety because that's what
it is we get anxious we feel anxious and
when that anxiety starts our body we
start breathing faster because we need
more energy
to deal with the situation no matter how
small it is like our fight-or-flight
response is triggered and the heart rate
goes up
we start sweating we might start
trembling our hands trembling and one of
the ways to ease is to actually kind to
do the officer right slowly breathe and
by keep just focusing slowly breathing
the rest the heart rate can go down the
shaking can stop and maybe even just
come kind of distraction like okay no
big deal I can do something else and do
something else that will distract you
what you'll find as well with recovery
it does get easier
do I like changed I don't think I like
change but I can deal with change I mean
a new route I know that's not much of a
change because actually I spend most my
time in here because I like safe fat is
comfy but um yeah I can deal with change
for example it was snowing last week and
the Kidz Bop
school and I had planned to do my
housework on one day I had right into
the neck so I want you to do my video
and none of it got done because kids
home and I didn't like it it caused me
that little knot in that stomach and I
might have even been a bit grumpy but I
dealt with her and I got through it and
I thought you know what I will do a
video Monday I will do my housework
after the weekend because it is
pointless doing it while the kids are
here because they will destroy the house
straightaway and so by simply changing
in and say rather than freaking out
thing okay no biggie no biggie
I'd do it Monday dude house off the
weekend I kind of took the power back
like the control back why I didn't let
it flow me I didn't spend the whole day
oh my god
Emily I haven't done that
I actually just thought you know what
the kids are here I'm gonna have some
fun and we played lots of games we
watched a film and we asked me had a
really really nice day and because I
just thought well okay I remove my plans
it wasn't completely out of my hands
because I was still going to stick to
the plan it just moved slightly I think
I've talked long enough what 13 minutes
13 minutes that change okay
so Patrick McCarthy asked me to discuss
trick Romania and I have done a video on
this but it wasn't called Romania it was
called picking my hair I think and I
discussed this with you but this is can
be a trait a lot of people with BPD
suffer with and I think it's again due
to the anxiety some people say is even
like a form of self harm and basically
what it is is picking picking a skin
some people just scratch and scratch and
scratch till it bleeds it could be
picking spots on your face or just
picking your face
I used to pick my eyes um it's so wrong
but I used to have the thing I'll be
picking my eyes and I'd pick and pick
and pick and there was loads of sleep in
my eyes because it was coming because I
was picking miles I sticking my goddamn
finger in my eye and then I would go
like this Apple Mouse I turn my eyelid
inside out and start like picking my
eyelid and I remember one time thinking
there was some sleep and I pulled it and
then pulled it it was like a film of
skin the I took I had to go to that eye
hospital I mean I'm really lucky that I
really didn't damage my sight on my eye
because of that and I would again pick
my skin but my the thing that got to me
the most was I'd pick my hair and I can
still sometimes get into the habit and I
just go like this and I just pick
there's nothing to pick by pick so March
that actually it causes some blood to
come I pick the skin off and then the
next day obviously it's hot where a scab
is formed over
and I will pick it and pick it in to get
rid and then I start doing that and I'm
aware that I do it I do it when I'm
really really really anxious and I very
rarely do it now I think it was about a
year ago I went for a stayed I was like
and I think to myself right now oh my
god people are gonna think I've got nits
in my hair because I can't stop picking
my hair there is like a form of anxiety
I suppose because I know for me I really
do it when I'm really anxious and I know
I did this video before and I talked
about picking my hair and quite a few
other people actually like oh my god I
do that too
so it does sound like it can be
borderline related obviously it's not
it's own trait that I know of it can be
performed I suppose of self-harm because
we are actually harming as I was doing
it but for me I wouldn't have said it
was self-harm because I'm I suppose drug
use alcoholism bulimia or anorexia these
are all forms of self-harm where we're
harming ourselves but they're not her
self-harm in the sense of pulling chunks
of our hair out cutting our wrists
burning ourselves so for me it was
different it wasn't form of self-harm my
self harm does that make sense what make
any sense
but yeah it was really hard like when I
started picking my head when I was like
13 I was getting bullied at school and
it started and I would pick my hair and
I had a little bald patch where I'd like
store I mean I'm lucky it's kind of
grown back but I actually picked that
often that I started getting a bald
patch on my head and that was in my
teens I let my hair
and then I don't even think I was really
aware that it was a problem it's just
something that I did and it was when I
started my youtube channel that I think
cause doing it video I was like picking
away and I thought that's really weird
I'm just begging I think I've got nets
and I'm going to if other people do this
I wonder if other people pick their hair
and I did a video on it and sure enough
other people say yes I do that will they
pick the skin and I suppose look it can
become like a happy I was like biting
your nails and your actress just biting
your nails and then it kind of becomes a
habit
but yes Patrick's asked me to do this a
couple of times so I did want to do it
because there might be those of you out
there that also do that how did I stop I
think I really had to make a conscious
effort every time I like that no no
don't do it don't do it don't do it
and eventually I stopped but like I said
I think it was right year ago that I
started picking again but might only go
on for a week and then it stops I'm
gonna leave that video there today guys
thank you for those of you who checked
out mr. BPD's website website YouTube
channel what else was I going to say the
book is coming along nice I hit fifty
thousand words on Thursday Wednesday
Wednesday I hit fifty thousand words so
that is cool actually
you can't what bear with me I'm gonna
get it I've got the cover of my book let
me show you how a gallery will be my
Jeremy move
and downloads
can you see the big book on borderline
personality disorder by shereena really
does so yeah yeah mm-hmm oh where am I
going
so it's a big book I got inspiration for
that because I used to do 12-step
meetings and obviously there is the big
book of Alcoholics Anonymous commonly
known as the big book and I was like you
know what we need a big book a manual
explaining like exactly what we suffer
with all the traits how we feel how we
think how we behave and advice on how we
can get well and so that is what I'm
doing so I'm kind of aiming for a
hundred thousand words at least because
there's no point in calling a big book
if it's a little book but I yeah so I'm
at least halfway through I would say
halfway so it's getting there and I
really hope you guys love it but I will
be back next week and I love you all
loads and for all the mummies out there
happy Mother's Day for Sunday and I hope
you guys all enjoy your weekend nah