I discuss how the different traits of BPD can impact our relationships, causing them to be unstable. Fear of abandonment, black and white thinking, unclear self image – they all affect our relationships.

Transcript:
hi my lovely is happy Friday food day Oh
before I start okay so my book is now on
Amazon and I believe in u.s. dollars
it's 1795 and in UK sterling it was
thirteen pounds something like it's
under 14 pounds basically also on Amazon
it says release date is January the 8th
2019 it's going to be released early
I have literally worked and worked and
worked on it because I want to get out
ASAP so it will be released with hope it
October of this year so yes they just
ignore that date because it will be
released early today I'm going to talk
about relationships because for me
certainly relationships were the thing
that calls me the biggest headache in
regards to my borderline now there are a
number of reasons for this
probably the biggest one is our core
trait which is fear of abandonment now
fear of abandonment stems often from
when we were very little
and we know that a lot of people with
borderline have suffered some kind of
abuse and neglect some kind of trauma
and they grow up to develop borderline
personality disorder but not everyone
has suffered abuse or neglect and I was
kind of thinking back to my situation
and I had always been the apple of my
mom's eye and I was 2 years old and she
was expecting my baby brother and I had
never been away from my mom and all of a
sudden she went into hospital to have my
brother and back then they would keep
you in hospital for over a week so I
went from being with my mom all the time
to her being away for ten days and she
came back after she had a new baby
kind of thought wow that must have
really affected me because I was a
highly highly sensitive child another
reason that I could have possibly
developed it was my mom and dad got
divorced and my dad went to live in
Ireland so it's not like he just lived
down the road we would see him three
times a year and I mean everyone seems
to get divorced nowadays I'm divorced
lots of people are divorced and it kind
of doesn't seem like a big deal but if
you are a highly sensitive child I think
that can certainly be something that is
really traumatic so anyway we grow up
with this fear looking back now I can
see how I was possibly looking for a
father figure now my partner is 10 years
older than me my ex-husband was 10 years
older than me when I was 16 I went out
with 27 year old when I was 20 I went
out with a 45 year old and I was kind of
looking for that person that would
protect me but I had the fear of
abandonment and the way that came out in
me is I would get into a relationship
and it would happen so quickly and it
would be so intense and I would think on
our first date we are going to get
married we are going to have children
I'd start planning their names and
everything would seem to be going
amazing because it was like intense and
fun and exciting and I would become
whoever they wanted me to be if they
wanted an outgoing confident person
that's who I'd be if they wanted someone
a bit quieter that's won't be but
eventually that fear of them leaving me
would come creepin up and I would start
desperately making frantic attempts to
avoid it and the way I'll do that was
that I've become
overly possessive really jealous
I would stalk them I'd want to get their
phone I would follow them if they were
in the house I would be following them
around the house because to us it's more
than just a fear we actually feel like
it's going to happen this person is
going to leave us and we must stop it
now there are like nine PVD traits and I
do believe that even if we just have one
of the traits that is enough to cause
our relationships to be unstable if we
suffer with self-harm suicidal behavior
it's going to affect our relationship
we have we just had unclear an unstable
self-image gonna affect our relationship
impulsive reckless behavior gonna affect
our relationship
but to have BPD you gotta have five five
traits so it is not surprising that our
relationships are really really unstable
and really really painful we suffer with
unclear and unstable self-image
we often have really low self-esteem we
don't like us and we're so insecure and
that in turn makes our fear of
abandonment seem so much worse well they
all get that leave me because there's
everyone so much better than me
you know and you just go black I do that
all the time what's going on I could
actually talk about relationships all
day because there is so much to say
about them my relationship today is
stable if stable-ish we don't argue now
for me that is huge because we also have
explosive anger and that anger I think
be triggered from a fear of abandonment
because of our insecurities and it is
our poor partners that deal with that
explosive anger now I used to be
physically violent I used to be verbally
violent and today I don't argue with my
partner don't get me wrong there are
times he please me off and I sometimes
think of just saying something but I
stopped myself
breathe deeply walk out the room and
then I'm always happy that I didn't say
it because once we say something we
can't take it back once we've hurt
someone the damage is done and I kind of
remind myself of that those of us with
borderline personality disorder thinking
black and white we will either idealize
someone or we will devalue someone they
are all good are they all bad and I
think that's how we kind of see all our
relationships whether it's friends
family they're either good or they're
bad there's not an in-between so for
loved ones it can feel like they are on
an emotional roller coaster which they
are because they never know if we're
gonna be idealizing them or making them
feel like crap on the bottom of a shoe
today I can still think
in black and white but I'm much more
able to bring my rational mind into it
and question my thinking and start
looking for the gray area which is
something that I just could never ever
do and so within relationships we would
have this amazing intense honeymoon
period which would eventually crash down
and we break up because this is why Stu
it's over I never want to see you get
out and all that and then I love them
again just like that
they were scum of the earth I love them
again until next time until they do
something and I get really really
annoyed um my daughter just walked past
and it's put me off she is off school at
the moment because she has tonsillitis
so um yeah black and white thinking it's
kind of forcing our brain to see the
gray area and questioning our thinking
because as we know we don't really
question things we just go with our
emotions and we are ruled by our
emotions and so relationships for us are
really really painful we will often
cling onto a partner I would get angry
if one I thought they were going to
physically leave me even if it was to go
to work or if I thought that they were
cheating on me which I seemed to think
all the time and my mind would literally
be saying they're doing this they're
late home from work I bet they're with
some girl right now and um they would
walk through the door and I'd be like ah
ready to attack because I would be so
angry because I believe what my mind was
telling me I did not look at the facts
the facts are yeah they went to work but
that's it they late home from work but I
filled in all the gaps to what I wanted
to think to catch them out and it
actually wasn't the case they would just
hate home maybe they got stuck in
traffic but I didn't tell myself they
might be stuck in traffic the car might
have blown a tire I didn't think I
immediately jumped on their defensive
and thinking they're gonna cheat on me
[Music]
it's not just our romantic partnerships
like I said it's it's friendships we can
become very pingy we can become very
jealous with friends with friends
sometimes I used to get well I'd get
jealous if I thought they had other
friends but I would also get jealous if
they got a new job or they were doing
well because it was just a big fat
reminder of the fact that I wasn't
working and that I wasn't well and
that's not who I am today today and the
sole person I can be really really happy
for my friends but that's because I'm
okay I've actually had people message
say actually I'm jealous that you're
doing well and and I always feel really
bad because I can remember how that
feels because that's exactly how I used
to be jealous if anyone else was doing
well but you can do well too
relationships are something that you can
fix it doesn't mean they're always going
to be unstable one thing I would not
suggest if one of the partners has
borderline is couples counseling
and I say this because I teach couples
counseling and me and my ex go in I
would sit down and would say things
about each other and I would go away so
hurt and so angry and we would have a
blazing row and it never got us anywhere
and I think the reason for this is if
it's to people without borderline yes it
can be amazing but if you have one
highly highly sensitive person here
hearing their faults when they already
think all these folks about themselves
and they're not in recovery so they
haven't got any skills that they can use
to help them cope to her all you're
doing is that they will go along they'll
get really really hurt and upset and go
away and use the coping mechanisms they
have taught themselves it might be self
harm might be drinking loads alcohol so
I would not suggest that but having a
therapist and counseling is good but I
would suggest you both do it separately
and you both work on your own issues
separately and this way I think it's
just a lot more helpful than doing
couples counseling I think if the person
with borderline is in recovery then
perhaps things fine because by this
point hopefully they'll have learnt the
skills to put in place to help them when
they are feeling hurt so okay I'm sure
I'm missing loads out by kind of this
wasn't a video request I just thought
I'd do it I would say like because like
I said it was relationships that gave me
the most heartache and the most
like harms and cause me the most
problems it was relationships that word
I would go himself harm over it was like
a relationship problem that I would go
in and attempt suicide over it was if my
relationship went wrong I'll go and use
loads of drugs or drink and it seems
kinda really exacerbate all my other
traits so it is something that needs to
be looked at needs to be worked on and
it can be worked on and like I said you
can go on and have a stable relationship
there are a number of skills that you
can put in place to help you one is
questioning your thinking and looking at
the facts
a big one is recognizing that the way
you feel probably stems from a fear of
abandonment
so actually this fear from your past is
now damaging your future and your
present moment so it's kind of
separating your fears from the past with
the reality of your present and allowing
yourself to let go of those fears I
think I'm gonna lead that there I love
lace today I will be back next Friday
and I love you all loads and have a
wonderful wonderful weekend
[Music]
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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