I used to have real issues around sex which I explain in this video.

Transcript:
hi guys today I am going to do a video
on sex it is a supposed borderline
personality disorder and sex I have done
this I've done sex maybe eight before
sound so wrong doesn't it I had a
message of a girl ages and ages ago and
I promised I would do this video because
basically everything she said I was like
Late Late Late Late I could relate to
everything and so I said I would do a
video on it I keep putting it off I
don't know why I don't know why I should
be able to say it it's just talking
isn't it just talking right basically I
could be in a relationship and not want
sex I could be quite cold to the point
now if my partner kissed me and the skin
would crawl like I just forgot and
they'd be wanting air and I would
literally be getting so angry inside
because I did not want it I could get so
angry inside that I'd think I'm gonna
punch you in the face just get off I
don't want you or me get off me get off
me and that's how I used to feel but I
wouldn't verbalize it I'd be thinking it
I wouldn't verbalize it and I think part
the reason I didn't was because I didn't
want to have sex but I was so scared
they would cheat on me if I didn't and I
didn't understand why I was feeling the
well was why sex could disgust me so
much like usually someone you're
supposed to love he's you know and I
just
I think for me actually it was more if
it was no loving relationship I could
get like that if the relationship was
meaningless I just didn't care that was
no emotional attachment at all I just
didn't care but if I was with someone
that I did love
I couldn't understand I couldn't
understand my feelings and so this day I
really don't know why I always like that
I like I never did kissing
I just couldn't kiss there was something
too personal and kissing I know like
what you'd have sex but kissing is
personal but yeah for me it was like I
just I just we just I wouldn't do it and
it is a struggle because you're doing
something you don't want to do you don't
understand why you don't want to do it
you start to think there's something
wrong with me and I mean I really should
have done sex counseling I could
probably like it probably still be
helpful to go back and talk about all
that and maybe one day I will but right
now I just don't have the time to do
anything and it's not such an issue now
because it's not an issue now it's not
like oh I have to do this because things
are good now for me um but yeah like I
hated feeling like that I hated it so
much because I I was terrified like I
was this I would just make excuses not
to oh I'm not well my tummy my hair you
know I'm so tired always an excuse but
then freaking out they're gonna sleep
with someone else because I'm not
sleeping with them so I'll make myself
do it and then be angry at myself angry
at them full of anger and hatred and it
was just so intense
and I couldn't understand it I hated the
way I felt and then it would get to the
point like we would like to say we
didn't have sex for ages and then I'd
start going ahead Oh Mike what they're
gonna cheat on me they're gonna cheat
so then I put on that mask and be like
yeah I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do that
but emotionally I was detached from it
because I just couldn't loving sex
basically it was like it was just all a
front
yeah and I was only doing it like I'd
pretend like I'm in a show or something
like I was an actor playing a part
there was no emotions and I like I said
I was only doing it so I didn't get
cheated on because I have such a fear
that I'd get cheated on and so how do
you solve this I mean I can't even give
the answer why I was like that I don't
understand it myself I can remember the
feeling so well but I didn't do any
counselling around that really there
were clearly issues there that could
have done with counselling but like I
said I didn't do it over time I think
when the further you get into recovery
like the borderline traits go do start
disappearing and and for me I just
started to feel better I took things
slowly believe it or not with my partner
I was very honest with him about how I
felt
and would say look this is what I get
like and I think communication really
helped because then he could understand
and knew I just wasn't being horrible or
not wanting him or that so communication
it's really hard to have that
conversation but I did find it helpful
I got question actually I know this is
going off subject it's just reminding me
someone I'm said they were confused the
other day because I had said in one of
my videos I'm kind of doing the
push-pull thing and yet in other videos
I've said I'm recovered and so I was
just gonna
rather than replying cuz I read the
message but I don't think I've replied
to the go yet
basically I am
covered from borderline personality
disorder since I have been pregnant some
of the traits pop up but obviously to be
diagnosed with borderline you have to
take so many of the thing sing and have
them for so long they have only come up
since I have been hormonal I they're not
too bad and I have every faith that once
I've had this baby they will go away but
I know in all my pregnancies especially
like the fear of abandonment I think
it's because my body is changing look at
my bump can you see let me see if you
can see slowly yeah check on up I had a
comment from Mike Mike you know who you
are saying there was a lot of space
above my head
Mike you do make me laugh so um yeah uh
I think some of the traits have read
their ugly head not not a lot and not in
a big way but I believe it's hormonal
and I think like I said in another video
actually everyone at some point in their
life can take some of the borderline
traits often say they have them without
actually having borderline personality
disorder so that's kind of what and then
I do not think I've relapsed and I have
gone back and I'm suffering again I
don't think that's all I think I'm a
hormonal pregnant lady
basically at the moment it's the babies
out I'm hoping to go back to normal
so yes
ah yeah I hope I answered the question
what video do I just do
ah six six six six so um yeah if you are
suffering with the sex thing I would say
communication with your partner if you
are in a loving relationship hopefully
that will be easier to do and speak your
tops to see if there is some kind of
counseling you can get around it because
I really wish I had done that now yeah
so I'm gonna leave that there my
lovelies have a great weekend by the way
I forget it's Friday a lovely weekend
and I'll be back next week all right
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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