hi my lovelies happy Monday I really
apologize I didn't have a video out on
Friday I had a bit of a crazy week yeah
oh look what I've got
see hello see hello who's this this is
Severus
Remus repot the babes yeah okay so last
week was a crazy week I was so angry I
just had this anger now you know what
BPD and their anger were like well I
know I don't tend to get angry but I
literally felt like my blood was boiling
and I was going to explode and I'm sure
the kids sensed that I was feeling
weaker than usual because they were it
felt like they were purposefully out to
get me and wind me up everything they
did and so I was really snappy and then
Friday came and I had an appointment at
the Job Center because I want to work
I've got to a point like yes I feel
ready I haven't worked for a long time I
do this I look after the kids but work I
don't but I'll go into that in a second
and so I had an appointment and I was
chatting with the lady and she was
really nice bearing in mind I've been
really angry for a few days before and
she said oh we've got an expert in let
me go and get him oh thank you so much
and the guy came over and he was that
high not that high and he said what what
were you thinking of doing and this is
what I did I just went I'm a burst out
crying my ugly face god I'm really sorry
I'm going I don't know why I'm crying
I was crying so loudly and the tears
were streaming and I couldn't stop
crying and I didn't know why I was
crying honest again cuz I'm not a crier
actually I don't cry I don't tend to cry
often and so to be crying in here so
loudly I mean there was so nice boats so
embarrassing
and so yeah I left there and I went home
and when I kept collected the kids from
school I was like guys I'm really sorry
mummy's been grumpy the past few days my
daughter who's eight she went
is it the BPD I was like yeah probably
and she told all my friends you have it
oh thanks she said by setting manager so
yeah so I had just had a really really
like angry few days and how do I done a
video I'd have probably just started
ranting and raving at the camera so I
didn't but yeah so I want to work I want
to do something I want to do something
like related to my channel because this
is something I'm really really
passionate about I think because I've
been there and I know just how desperate
I was how painful it was just living
life on a day-to-day basis and I didn't
have the support like when I first
started I was just DBT now obviously
there's so many different therapies but
a lot of them are completely booked up
people can't get onto courses and more
and more people are getting diagnosed
all the time the amount of people that
messaged me and say I've just been
diagnosed and so it's like ongoing more
and more people are getting diagnosed
but there isn't the treatment there so
I'm thinking wait for it I'm thinking I
will make it my job I will start working
out some courses and doing online
courses
obviously I've got my new website coming
out and so I can probably do it through
that the lady
Megan lovely Megan who I'm working with
she is an expert on high conflict
relationships so if people or people
with BPD obviously people with BPD we
have high conflict relationships we have
like lady hair that's this is she's an
absolute expert in and she will be able
to help with that aspect so yeah that is
my big idea and I'm really looking
forward to it I'm hoping like with the
book and doing course it is I'm hoping
like I kind of get to a stage I would
love love love love love to have like
big conventions where we can go and we
can do like a crash course over a
weekend or something in-person
face-to-face because I'd love to meet
you guys as well so yeah that's like I'm
a big dream to get to that place where I
can do that and actually get
face-to-face contact and be helping
people and showing you the steps I took
to get where I am today
okay so I have talked for nearly six and
I haven't on the video yet video
requests from the lovely nearly now
highly Lily's only 14 years old and she
was asking me how did I know that I have
BPD as a teenager what was it like or
did I know so I know I've done a video
on my teenagers before what I am going
to touch on it again because actually
I've had a few teenage girls message me
and teenage boys actually that think
they have BPD now in the UK they don't
diagnose BPD before you're 18 and but I
don't think it says anywhere in the DSM
an age limit
think that's in there but psychologists
that don't tend to diagnose before age
18 so going back to when I was a
teenager all those years ago it was
really really hard because as teenagers
we're hormonal with all the hormones
going on we feel like we're adults
and yet we kind of treat like with
children and we're trying to find our
place in the world and it's just a
really difficult time anyway put in like
bringing the mental health siding gives
a teenager time with mental health
problems it just makes everything a
million times worse now my teenage years
I've said this before when my most
difficult years they were the most
painful years if you ask my mum which
were the worst years for her she would
probably say my 20s because in my
twenties I was drinking every day I was
using drugs every day so for me they
were my coping mechanisms to try and
numb the pain obviously a load of other
problems came with them but a lot of my
20s were spent in a complete daze my
teenagers I felt everything and it was
so painful I wait I got bullied at
school I went to a girl school
I looking back my first boyfriend I was
14 he was 18 and he was vile and looking
back now I 99.9% sure he was a
narcissist but I didn't see that at the
time and so I was in this horrible
relationship I was getting bullied at
school and I don't I hadn't hormones
going on but I always knew there was
more to it I always knew it it wasn't
just teenagers I wasn't the same as
other people I could see how I
I reacted to things differently whereas
for example I went on a trip to the Isle
of Wight with my school friends it was
with the school and I it was just for a
weekend and I got the hugest crush on
guy now I think his name was Toby and a
guy called moose and I had a huge crush
on them and so in my head I made up that
they were my true friends and I was so
in love and then the time came for us to
leave and I got so upset that I refused
to get on the boat and I ran off because
I just wanted to stay with my boy and I
ran off and the teacher was saying like
what she's doing get on the thing and I
actually screamed at her that she was a
beat i tch and yeah no one talked to me
on the way home because they just
thought the way I behaved was so wrong
and looking that year it was but I was
absolutely devastated like the hurt and
upset that I felt I couldn't explain it
I always knew that something was wrong
now back a million years ago when I was
a teenager there we didn't have YouTube
borderline personality disorder wasn't
really talked about I had never heard of
it before and I saw a therapist at my
school and it was just rubbish like I
can't even remember what she talked
about remember to sitting there thinking
what how are you gonna help me you can't
help me
my mum his thing my dance mom my Nana
she actually apparently spoke to my mom
and said you know there's more going on
for her my mum said don't be silly it's
just hormones she's just really hormonal
so my mum couldn't I suppose she'd never
dealt with it she had heard a borderline
she did and she just thought I was
really hormonal teacher-teacher
teenager because I could come across as
really outgoing but like I've said
before it was very much a mass that I
wore Kitty's do not knock my camera
please no way look at them hello you're
cute
what was this it's Severus again let me
get Remus hello my darling girl here it
you are so cute
sorry I will get back on with the video
no than that and so yeah my six like I
said it was a mask I wore I came across
as quite outgoing I was I was really
mouthy to my mom like the way I spoke to
her screamed and hold abuse and so my
mum didn't think I could be bullied
because surely hear you scream abuse and
shout at me you can defend yourself that
just wasn't the case and I didn't start
going to counseling I think until I was
17 and like proper under a mental health
team and I was diagnosed with depression
and anxiety which a lot of us are and a
lot of us actually do have depression
and anxiety but we also have borderline
it took for went me to be 21 multiple
suicide attempts for me to be as well
admitted as an inpatient on a mental
health ward for them to diagnose me with
borderline personality disorder and I
kind of learn about it in the years that
followed and now it's so clear that I
had had this all the way back from when
I was a child I mean I wasn't I was a
cheeky child I would push boundaries but
it wasn't that
it was the intensity of my emotions when
I was upset I I wish that I had had
YouTube and I could have listened
someone and maybe I would have
recognized it sooner because actually I
went for so many years with no diagnosis
knowing that something was wrong but not
knowing what and not having anyone else
believed that something was people I
think just they just saw my behaviors
they didn't know how I felt they didn't
know my thoughts they would just look at
my behaviour and think you're not a nice
person
and that's really horrible to live we're
thinking people thinking that you are
not a nice person
and completely not understanding the
pain that we go through now I'm lucky
that my mum is so supportive now and I
believe had she known about borderline
in that when I was a teenager I would
have had that support there then but
like I said she just thought I was a
hormonal teenager and no one like I
couldn't explain I I don't think I ever
sat down and tried to say look this is
what I'm going through because I didn't
know I didn't know how to put it into
words
I just felt silly like the smallest
things would get me so upset oh I didn't
want to go to school I started just
skiving off and not going in when I did
go in I would be arguing with teachers
and like I said it was literally such a
painful time I hear from lots of young
men and ladies boys and gals and who
have borderline or they think sorry they
think they have all along but they're
not yet diagnosed I do believe they
should diagnose earlier because the
quicker you get the relevant treatment
the quicker you can start recovering
from this rather than going through you
and years of just having to struggle
because you can't get help because no
one's diagnosing you and I know there
are some psychologists as well that do
believe again that like teenagers should
be able to get diagnoses and some do
diagnosed by it's just I think believe
the majority don't I was talking to a
friend who has a friend who is like a
family counselor and she was saying the
problem like she sees with parents who
come in with their child with borderline
is that they're very much in denial they
don't want their child to have
borderline and the reason is this if you
go online and you look up borderline
personality disorder the main thing you
let you'll read like one of the first
things is people with borderline
personality disorder suffered abuse as a
child now we know a lot of people with
borderline have but not all of them
there are lots who didn't some have
really happy like supportive family
members growing up but they still
developed borderline personality
disorder I have talked about the reasons
for this it's kind of like by bio social
part biological parts facial etc I've
done that before so abuse doesn't have
to be part of it for you to get
borderline but if a parent obviously
reads that water line and says all the
child was abused they can really get
defensive like actually no I didn't do
that so they can't have borderline even
if they know that's some people develop
borderline without abuse I think a lot
of parents feel judged by their child
psychologists or therapists they kind of
go in thinking what they can think my
part is in this and so it's very
difficult from her
now obviously there are some parents out
there that have either neglected or
abused their child there are but there
are also lots of parents that happen and
the fact if there is a parent who is
worried about their teenager and they
are going to a psychologist I would say
well done like that's amazing you were
supporting your child because that's all
you can do there's no point in focusing
on the past there's no point in worrying
what other people think of us
I don't think parents should feel judged
well obviously they do because again the
stigma around borderline personality
disorder so there's lots of reasons why
parents might not want their child to
get that diagnosis lots of reasons they
might be in denial about it like well
you just can't have it there's no way
and also like my mum she thought it was
just purely my hormones but I knew it
was more and I wish I'd got the help
sooner because had I got the help sooner
I wouldn't have got to a stage I was
drinking every day using drugs self
harming attempting suicide all those
horrid impulsive reckless behaviour came
after had I got diagnosed earlier and
been sent for treatment I would have
learn new coping skills healthy coping
skills that I could then start paying
into place I'm gonna leave that there
because I believe I have one for nearly
20 minutes but I will be back on Friday
guys thank you for all of you out buying
my book that's amazing it will be on
Amazon very soon and it will be shipped
to anywhere in the
world say anyone will be able to get it
right
have a wonderful rest of the week and
are we back on Friday love you