hi guys today I'm doing a video request
from a lovely young lady on Instagram
hi this this video request actually I've
been asked a lot about in the past
usually women naturally I say I think
it's always women that have asked me and
that is someone who's been diagnosed
with borderline disorder thinking about
the future and thinking I want children
but I'm too scared to have them will I
cope in pregnancy will I be an orphan
mum will I ruin my children's lives and
all those are it feelings that we have
now you guys know I have four four
children and no having a baby is not
easy when you have borderline but it's
not impossible in this video I am going
to kind of talk about the different
stages so first of all if you are going
to plan your pregnancy because obviously
not all pregnancies all plant so I'll
discuss that segment in a minute but if
you live in a planet and you've got that
time beforehand I would suggest you do
as much for your recovery as possible
learn DBT skills get support do group
therapy do counseling read up as much
become self aware because the more
recovery you have behind you when it
comes to taking that step and deciding
okay I'm gonna try for a baby you're
going to be so much more prepared
because pregnancy isn't not easy
pregnancy can be difficult for anyone
our hormones are all over the place and
when you combine that with our intense
emotions it's a pretty scary roller
coaster ride but
if you kind of have done some
preparation beforehand and you're
getting into recovery it doesn't mean
you've completely got the borderline
managed but you're on your way it's
going to be a lot easier than if you
haven't so then you have people that
find out they're pregnant it's not
planned but they find out they're
pregnant and they want to have the baby
let's say you have found out you're
pregnant you have borderline and you
have no recovery you haven't done any
courses it is so important you get
support around you because it is
difficult our hormones are all over the
place it can be very emotional but while
you're going through it if you have
support around you if you have maybe I
was very fortunate that I actually had
specialist midwives that kind of they
deal with vulnerable women whether it's
young women suffering domestic violence
or women with mental health problems if
you've got that that's fantastic but not
everywhere unfortunately offers it but
even just being able to talk to a
midwife be honest tell them how you're
feeling they can then offer you more
support you might be able to get
community care nurse that comes out to
visit you you might have your
appointments with your psychiatrist up
so you're seeing them more regularly but
kind of tell them what you want because
sometimes it just doesn't get offered
and you need to say look I'm really
struggling I need a bit help here and
let yourself be heard and push to get
that support also know that while you're
going through it yes your emotions are
all over the place but it's not going to
last forever it's really really not if
you look at your life in a hole it's
actually just a small
small moment in time I know that doesn't
make it much better when you're going
through it because it is really painful
um but know you can get through this
talk to people talk talk talk talk to
friends talk to your family talk to your
doctors talk to your midwives and and
get that support don't be afraid to say
well I'm struggling a bit because women
that don't have mental health problems
can struggle in pregnancy and it's not
something to be ashamed of and the more
support you have the easier it will be
now that sounds kind of all doom and
gloom my last pregnancy I came off my
meds nearly not all of them I came off
one lakh meds I stayed on the other and
it was the easiest pregnancy mentally my
other pregnancies I came off all my meds
and physically I was okay but mentally I
was a mess this pregnancy I was not good
physically but mentally I was okay it
was at the end that I started really
struggling and I think that was kind of
well at the beginning I struggled but I
think I didn't really have the support
of my partner at all really and so we
went we pretty much weren't talking and
that was hard but considering I was
going through that and I had come off
some meds I was okay then at the end my
mental health suffered but I believe I
believe it was I was really struggling
physically I kept getting ill I had
three other children to look after I was
moving house I mean I moved house I
think 15 days before I gave birth and I
I packed up the whole flat by myself I
had no one helped me I literally had all
the boxes I did everything myself
and so physically I was really drained I
was really tired and because I was
effective physically it affected me
mentally so you are going to go so what
what's the thing
doom and gloom so it's not all doom and
gloom this pregnancy was easier but like
I said I was on kept on a medication you
don't have to cut off all your mates
talk to your doctor and see what is
right for you because sometimes they
look up the pros and cons and if the
pros of you being on the Med outweigh
the cons you will be kept on them also I
met a lovely young lady I haven't met
her she's in America actually if I speak
to her through the rap sheet project
actually and she has had a baby and her
pregnancy was fine so it doesn't mean
just because you have borderline you're
going to have a tough pregnancy there
are chances are more high chances of you
having a difficult one are more likely
but it does not necessarily mean that
you will struggle and so kind of don't
just go and think huh I'm doomed because
that's not always the case at all so
then we come to having the baby
and just like in the pregnancy our
hormones are all over the place after
our performance all over the place and
that's when in all of my pregnancies I
suffer the most straight after the first
three I suffered throughout but it was
always after giving birth a few days
after my emotions like just completely
floored me
and even this pregnancy and although I
was pretty okay mentally I had the baby
I just spent days crying and crying I
was so emotional it lasted probably
about a month maybe a bit more but in
that time I was put on
back on my medication I'd come off again
after I had the baby me and my partner
we were both struggling and we weren't
really talking a lot I didn't feel he
was there for me I don't think he
probably thought I wasn't there for him
and it was a really difficult time but I
got through it I did get through it and
the way I did that was one telling
myself this is not going to last forever
and to getting support around me getting
lots of support and talking talking
talking telling people how I was feeling
allowing myself to cry not bottling her
up and being ashamed as she just crying
and this time it didn't actually loss
that long like before I think my first
daughter it was over a year I was still
crying
but this time and it was much
short-lived so again it's looking at
your medication talking to GP getting
support and then you get through that
time and all of a sudden you have a baby
and for me with my first pregnancy I
just made my daughter my world my
everything my obsession basically and I
kind of distance myself I cut myself off
from the outside world I isolated I
didn't really have any support around me
and and it it wasn't good this isn't
it's easy to do that all of a sudden
you're in your own little bubble and
it's like I've got my beautiful baby but
it's still important you do see other
people you interact with the outside
world and you talk about your feelings
and routine I would say get routine is
key
routine always worked fantastically for
me just kind of knowing wherever I am in
the day and sticking to that it made
life easier make sure you get your sleep
and and in the pregnancy as well as
especially if this is your first baby
which actually for this video I think
I'm talking about people who haven't had
one so yeah um sleep sleep sleep sleep
sleep as much as you can in the first 12
weeks of pregnancy I always wondered why
am I so tired I'm so tired I just want
to collapse when I standing up doing
nothing and I read an article and
they're saying basically if you take two
women one woman works 9:00 to 5:00 and
she's got children does a school run and
she goes to the gym before work and all
this and she does that and then you have
a pregnant women in first 12 weeks sat
on the sofa all day doing nothing the
pregnant woman's body is actually
working harder than this little lady
who's running around doing everything
and that's why you're tired so sleep
just sleep trust me you will thank me
for telling you that it is okay just
rest as much as you can then the baby
comes again when the baby sleeps you
sleep you don't have to tidy the house
leave the house that can come later you
cannot catch up on your sleep and it's
really important for your mental health
fuel mood to get regular sleep and not
be tired because I know when I'm tired I
am like horrible and horrible well some
when I'm tired I'm just so snappy and
moody and so yeah look after yourself
another tip would be still focus on your
recovery now is so important just
because you have a baby it doesn't mean
oh I can't do anything you can there
stuff you can do at home read self-help
books look up DBT online watch videos on
it print off worksheets and do some work
because just because we have borderline
it does not mean we are going to be
terrible parents and I am not a perfect
parent
the other day oh it's like crazy mom
just spoke because they were just not
listening to
at all and driving me mad
and I'm not a perfect parent but who is
and I try my best I absolutely adore my
children I spend time with them like
one-to-one with all of them if I ever
have concerns I speak with the family
support work at the school and get them
to speak with the children because I
want to make sure my children grow up
without issues basically and all I ever
hid from like the family support is your
children looks really happy carefree and
that is so nice for me to him they
haven't got loads of issues I haven't
completely destroyed their life and I
think part of that is because I do make
recovery right up here recovery is so
important to me I have to if I'm
stressed I have to take time out I talk
to my kids about my feelings obviously
if you've just got a new baby you're
thinking I'm it's feeling really bad
right now you're not going to get much
back from the baby but it is you can be
a wonderful mom you really can but it is
being aware and not being in denial like
because I could happen if I had carried
on the way I was screaming fighting the
smash in the house that if I'd been
doing all that well my children are
there I think I'd be hearing very
different things from the family support
worker now they would not be happy to
children that I've grown up with no
issues carefree they would be children
that have been damaged by my behavior
and it's important we try we try our
very best and set being self-aware is so
important because if we can't even
notice what we're doing wrong
then how are we going to change it and
don't think I'm just sat here saying
that I'm so self-aware because there was
a time that I wasn't I thought everyone
else had the problem and I didn't I did
not think my behavior was wrong I felt I
was pushed to behave like that and it
wasn't till I started actually taking
responsibility for my actions
accepting yes I have borderline it is a
disorder it is an illness but if I just
say well I've got borderline I can't
help here and then I have children that
is going to affect them so it was really
important for me to say why okay let me
have a good hard look at myself and you
know it was really really painful
because I was not a very nice person but
it gets easier once we start noticing
our bad behaviours we can actually start
doing something about and now I kinda I
am like I said I'm not perfect I can
still sometimes think very black and
white like you I thought I so wonderful
I hate him and I can still I can still
do that I just have to notice it and
realize what I'm doing think no you
think you hate him but you loved him
yesterday what's going on for me and but
I like to think no I'm not perfect month
I do like to think I do my best by my
children I love them unconditionally and
I put my recovery first so they don't
come last and I think anyone can do that
but we can't expect just to do it on our
own we do need a bit help we do need a
bit of guidance and it's kind of asking
for that help it is not always just
freely offered to us sometimes we have
to keep asking until we shouting like
someone help help us
and I think I've covered everything
obviously I have a playlist called these
solutions and I do videos on DBT are the
things that might help you in your
recovery so always feel free to check in
because I initially set this site on
because I thought there are a lot of
mums out there that are desperate for
help but because they've got kids they
can't get out they haven't got anyone to
turn to that's why I set up and that's
why I call myself recovery Martin - like
because I thought whole other mums will
really hate and yeah that's why I did it
because I do appreciate that it's hard I
do appreciate it's not so easy to get
out when you've got kids but there's
always a way and like I said it is
putting our recovery first so everyone
we love doesn't come last because that
is what will happen if we don't realise
just how important recovery is I think
I'm gonna leave that there guys today
that is a really long video Wow after
out for ages you must be sick of my
voice right now
but have a wonderful week and I love you