Due to our BPD traits can we simply have casual sex? Or do we get too emotionally involved? Or maybe we find casual sex easier than intimate sex. Today I discuss this and try to answer the question.
hi beautiful people happy Friday I apologize that in the past few weeks my videos have been all over the place things have been really manic but they finally starting to calm down so I'm hoping things will be back to normal now today I'm doing a video request from a lovely young lady called Kim and she asked me the question can people with borderline personality disorder have casual sex now when you hear of borderline personality disorder you can often hear that we are promiscuous but I must point out firstly that not every person with borderline personality disorder is promiscuous just as not to people necessarily have the same traits there are nine traits to get diagnosis you have to have five the different combinations together add up to about 256 so we're all different we have different traits secondly sexual promiscuity does not necessarily mean the same thing as casual sex and I'll explain what I mean by that casual sex is maybe you go out [Music] you forget them you go your separate ways sexual promiscuity believe it or not I wouldn't say is casual [Music] we've borderline personality disorder sexual promiscuity it's very much because of one of the trays whether it's impulsive reckless behavior or whether it's because of our chronic feelings of emptiness we're trying to fill that void but the reason that say someone has sex because of the trades it's not casual it's they purposely set out to have sex it's not just something like a whim I am doing this I have to have sex to make myself feel better or to stop myself feeling so empty and there's a real like we we set out intentionally to do it rather than just being a casual one thing take it or leave it it's definitely not take or leave it it's I need it because I need to feel better so the two are not the same those of us with BPD we can all have such different feelings when it comes to sex as well and a lot of it is because well first of all lots of people with BPD have suffered some kind of abuse in their past or trauma and it might be of the sexual nature now if that's the case it's not surprising that this person will then grow up with negative thoughts and negative feelings regarding sex the up traits of BPD we have our fear of abandonment so we might meet someone and have casual sex with them but if they don't call us that's gonna feed our fear of abandonment now I've got a story actually I can tell you this is a true story I was 16 or 17 I think for 17 I was in Ireland visiting my dad and I was walking down the road and a car pulled up and it was a really good-looking guy and I remember what he said to me made me laugh he said you've knocked me for sex can I have your number yes you can so I gave him my number he found we went out he took me out we went out to Dublin and he had some drinks and stuff happened and that was it and he wasn't looking for a girlfriend he just came out of a long-term relationship he told me that he'd just come out he wasn't looking for anything serious I was like yeah that's cool I'm so cool with it and I phoned him the next day see if he wanted to meet up and he said he was visiting a friend he was going out for lunch with a friend and I was like oh okay um who's your friend and he said the name of a girl and I literally like flipped out we've been on one date I did not know this guy for flee and he I was like oh right okay so where does that leave me then and he was like what what you mean I really confused like what we've just met and I was like well obviously I mean nothing to you I mean nothing to you and you're just throwing out I was with you only yesterday and already you've found a replacement and he was just like I don't think this is gonna work I literally freaked out he told me I needed help which I did but I didn't realize it at the time I was like he was going out with a female friend and I didn't like it so I feel bad can't really come into play if we because we might go in to light a relationship we might have sex with someone and think that we haven't got act but we are very emotional people our emotions are extremely intense and if we then feel like this I felt about this person they didn't care about me anymore it can really really caused us hurt and then because another one of our trades is our unstable and unclear self-image so for me when I found out this guy this poor poor guy I was seeing a female friend that really knocked me I was like well what's wrong with me now what's wrong with me I already had low self-esteem this knocked my self-esteem further now when we have that happen we can then try to look for things that make us feel good and if we have someone showing an interest in us that can make us feel good so then we might go out actually looking for flirting with people seeing people because we want to have our self-esteem boost it and that's why we might then go and have sex with someone because we feel like we're wanting someone wants us someone likes us but afterwards when we realize actually they don't want anything else we can be left feeling used and worse than we did before we have done it so we do something to make ourselves feel better but it can make us feel so much worse we if we have sex with someone because we have that chronic feelings emptiness and we just want to feel something and we have sex with someone afterwards we're probably gonna feel more empty like than we did before we've done it there are those of us with BPD that completely avoid sex altogether and just because we know it's going to cause problems I've talked about like myself like I've told you my very slutty story my slutty story but believe or not that was not something that I did regularly I was more of the sort person that I would just jump into a relationship and I'd be with them for years I didn't she I didn't do that but I've it kindly explained for I kind of cut off emotionally yeah makes it clear but can we have casual sex I I can't answer on behalf of everyone obviously but for me I definitely couldn't because if a guy looks at me I would start planning our wedding there was nothing casual about it when he would he'd look at me and he'd be in it for the long haul I'd make his life hell for a few years so for me definitely not unlike I said the promiscuity and the casual sex they are different because when we're purposely setting out to do there's nothing casual about it we're just literally trying to fix our feelings and make ourselves feel better because most of us well most of us many of us we don't have a healthy attitude to sex because with it comes a lot of negativity we bring with it a load of intense emotions and they inevitably cause us a lot a lot of pain along the way I'm going to leave that video there today guys but I will be back next week I know some of you have asked me to do video requests and I'm trading through all my old messages trying to find them so it'd be really helpful if you do have one just to stick it below in the comment section of this video and so then I can get a new list going because I didn't have them all written out but I don't know me so I'm gonna leave it there have a wonderful wonderful weekend and I'll be back on Monday have you all blades
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.