hi my lovelies welcome back
to my channel welcome back
to the sex series uh i apologize this
video was due out yesterday
uh but i've had a few things going on
this week
so today i'm going to discuss casual sex
and mental health uh
like i said in the other videos i'm not
a sex therapist i'm not a psychiatrist a
psychologist etc
i say this in case you're new and you've
come here thinking you're going to be
listening to a sex therapist not me
i'm someone that's really struggled with
my mental health over the years
i thought i'd do this series because for
some reason
people don't tend to like to talk about
mental health issues and sex there's a
real stigma attached it makes people
feel uncomfortable
but i thought it's only by talking about
it
that people will realize they're not
alone they're not the only ones out
there going through that
uh so that's why i'm doing this series
uh this
subject casual sex has a stigma attached
to it
when you think of females with
that have casual sex you think [ __ ] slag
or
the list goes on uh usually if you think
of a guy that has casual sex it's like
heather man
which is a bit unfair and now
i'm not saying that everyone that has
casual sex
has a mental health disorder or
that everyone that's having casual sex
is going to get a mental health disorder
there are people out there that can have
casual sex
loads of it and it just heightens their
well-being
and there are no negative side effects
from it but obviously in this series i
am
focusing on the mental health side
so
first of all sex
casual sex can
lead to mental health problems
but also mental health problems
can lead to casual sex which i then add
lead to further mental health problems
because when i say sex
casual sex leads to mental health
problems
usually because obviously we're dealing
with mental health
the people having the casual sex
have some kind of underlying issues they
might not have
full on blown depression
or a personality disorder it might just
be
someone who has extremely low
self-esteem
so they have casual sex to boost
that self-esteem or maybe it's someone
that's just
not overly happy in life feels a bit
lonely
so they have sex to try and
feel less lonely uh i would say in these
cases
this is when the casual sex will lead on
to
greater mental health problems um such
as
depression anxiety
even lower self-esteem even greater
sense of loneliness
um because
this this this is the big thing um
you've got to look if you're someone and
you've had casual sex and it's made you
feel
worse you've got to say okay
why did i have casual sex
because often if you have someone
that has casual sex and the reason they
did it is just they just like the
pleasure they love the enjoyment they
feel
okay in themselves um
it fits in with their morals because
obviously we all have different
kind of morals and beliefs and what's
okay for one person might not be okay
for another
and if casual sex fits right in
and it's fine it's not an issue for you
and you
you are doing it simply because you
think
yeah i want to go i want to have fun i
want to connect and then come away and
feel amazing
you will come away and feel amazing
but for a lot of people they
when actually questioning why are they
doing it
like why am i having casual sex
does it fit in with my morals sometimes
you might say yes sometimes you might
say no it's
not something i think sex should be
saved for when you're in a relationship
i don't believe in it
why am i doing it well i want to make
myself feel better
then chances are it's going to make you
feel worse
because the reasons you are having the
casual sex
are not right basically then
they're not the right things you want to
have
um to make you feel good you you are
simply fixing your feelings
you're going against
your beliefs uh and
so you're putting yourself in a
situation because here's the thing
you go you feel low about yourself
it doesn't fit in with your morals you
go you have casual sex
and you might have great sex
but at the end of the day you come away
the sex is over your self-esteem is
still low
maybe even lower now because the person
that you just connected with
that's it felt really good at the time
now that that's not there
and you just feel so much worse
uh obviously it doesn't just have to be
fixing yourself another reason maybe
maybe you've just gone through a breakup
maybe you have been dumped
in a relationship and you are absolutely
heartbroken so you go out there
you have casual sex thinking this will
make me feel better
someone wants me but it's casual sex
so you come away from that and then you
feel even worse
uh because you've still just been dumped
and now you've had sex with someone and
they're not here
and it doesn't feel good another reason
again it could be to do with
relationship maybe someone has really
really hurt you
and you want revenge so you go and have
sex
with someone else when actually the only
person you're gonna hurt is you
because maybe you've gone against your
morals
you've just done it because you've the
reasons aren't right the reasons
aren't you're doing this because you
feel good you feel in control
it fits in with your morals you're just
doing this to hurt someone else
and it's done and it's over and that's
it and the other person is still just
getting on with their life
and then there's you left with all the
same feelings that were there before
but intensified so
these are this is something i would
really say to you
like if you're someone and you finding
you
having a lot of casual sex
ask yourself why
and you that you might have some reasons
like i said that's
fine and so you can do that because they
will not affect you
but chances are actually the reasons
you're doing them
aren't right they are to just fix how
you're feeling
and casual sex won't fix how you're
feeling it quite
momentarily especially as when you have
sex
and you orgasm and you have
dopamine oxytocin you have all these um
chemicals in your brain that make you
feel really good
but then after the sex those chemicals
aren't air
and you're still stuck with your
feelings it's
the same as someone that's going to fix
on a drug
someone that's going to fix on alcohol
someone that's going to fix on gambling
you're trying to fix you're trying to
fix something
or maybe you are that lonely person
and you trying to fill a void
and you think by having casual sex you
will fill that void but i'm here to tell
you you won't
it will not fill that void because you
will have that sexual come back and it
will still
be there um
then we have mental health
um issues such as
maybe a personality disorder borderline
personality
disorder for sure uh because
i know i got diagnosed with bpd
those of us with bpd one of the traits
is
impulsive self-destructive behavior it
says in the title is self-destructive
um no different than using a drug or
drinking
that is one of the traits because we
feel we have fear of abandonment
um we can have anger issues if we're
angry at someone
uh we have chronic feelings of emptiness
we have low self-esteem all these
things cause us to feel so
rubbish and like inside we want to feel
good and so
often you hear of someone with bpd
having casual sex promiscuity they want
to go out they just want to have
sex now those of you who know my channel
no that's not me
i've not been like that i've got my own
issues regarding sex
don't worry i'm going to bring this up
i'm going to bring this up possibly
in the bdsm um
episode but for me like
i my need i wanted again
fear of abandonment same traits i had
all the traits
but for me i needed that one person and
that's why all my relationships i've got
in
long-term relationship um
and i wanted someone that i felt was
strong and would look out for me
and i loved that
i didn't have sex with everyone i loved
that
they were the only ones it was like i am
yours
and i am only yours and i love that that
that gave
me a kick um i don't know what you'll
call it there's
issues there obviously but
that's that's i just wanted that one
person
and i think that actually this year i've
been thinking over it today when i was
planning
like the videos um i think that's why
the whole
kind of thing this year really threw me
because
uh obviously i i hadn't moved on i
still kind of felt like there was that
bond there
where i was his and then to find out
actually i wasn't was really really
tough
um we weren't together uh
but it was tough because i kind of felt
like
it was almost like this unsaid mutual
agreement
you're mine i'm yours and that was it
and it just wasn't the case i found out
and that was really really tough for me
and
yeah i think that's why at the end it
was so tough but
i digress so
i'm not someone that has casual sex it's
just
not my thing so not everyone and i'm
saying this because if you're a partner
or someone with bpd
you might watch this video and then me
thinking oh okay so
my partner of bpd likes casual sex and
that's not the case
everyone everyone with bpd can be
so different um
but we do see that like for me my
impulsive self-destructive behavior
was using drugs it was drinking alcohol
um just getting into fights doing really
impulsive things so
if i got in a fight with a partner and
they went to say their parents house
and i lost my temper
because i'd had an argument i wouldn't
think anything of turning up at the
parents house
and throwing stones at the window or
trying to bang on the door
it was really impulsive it was causing
problems around me
and that's how i'd that was the way
mine kind of played out but obviously we
do hear it those of
us with vpd casual sex it's a thing
it's it's um
it's kind of because of the bpd because
this person feels
so low it's um
i've talked before about the brain and
how those of us with vpd
you go through life and you have
problems
and you deal with it in different ways
some people might pick up a drug
some people might gamble some people
might have sex
and what we learn is we feel right
rubbish
if we do this
we feel good a little neural pathway is
built
and so then the next time we feel
rubbish we do that same behavior again
and again and again and the neural
pathway gets stronger and stronger to
the point
but we don't even have to think about it
as soon as we feel well we just do it we
don't have to think oh i feel bad what
shall i do
we just do it um
so it kind of becomes like just this
cycle
uh it is like an addiction um the
video i did last i talked about sex
addiction
and that casual sex that promiscuity can
lead to
addiction it doesn't all the time
but it certainly can do and
it's not just obviously bpd people with
bpd like i said it could be someone
who's really depressed now i know in the
first actually a video of this series
where i talk about depression can cause
you to go off sex
uh if if you're depressed and you feel
like completely empty and you feel that
void maybe you try to fill that void and
maybe that is when
casual sex fits in it will fill that
void
maybe you're depressed because you just
feel so low about yourself
so you have sex to try and make yourself
feel better
uh like i said with all the other things
if these are the reasons that you are
having
casual sex they're not they're not going
to make you feel better
um they will only
heighten the other mental health issues
eventually i know in the initial moment
you might feel like okay but you will
come away
and realize nothing's changed except
that now you've had casual sex and you
possibly feel worse
for it um
again i said in the the addiction sex
addiction video
those with bipolar that impulsivity
when they're in that manic stage
can turn to sex and have casual sex
so looking at different
mental health disorders you can see how
casual sex actually is kind of like a
symptom
of that uh it's
a symptom of the mental health issue
itself
the way forward obviously like i said in
the last video if it's a full-on sex
addiction then you need therapy
you need to seek help for that um
if you're like not sure you're just
having casual sex you're not kind of
sure
why you need to sit down and say okay
why am i doing this
why am i having sex
like casually now i'm not going in
i'm not talking about when you're in a
relationship
actually um i think that could possibly
do a whole other video
on that because there are people that
kind of get that kick from going out and
cheating
i'm really like that really makes me
feel uncomfortable i don't like that
um betrayal i don't like betrayal makes
me feel like
horrible inside um
i'm kind of just talking about those
those of you out there but maybe you are
in a relationship
but i would find that if you're in that
relationship often you would probably
turn to your partner to get that but
maybe i'm wrong
maybe i'm being really naive there maybe
you're in a relationship and
everything's okay but you still need to
feel better by
seeking it from outside uh like i said i
don't know if any of you watch
friends uh you know when ross and rachel
and it was i'm on a break and he had
gone and done
what he did and she was just crying she
was like you've changed everything about
you you've changed
um you were not who i thought you were
and that just literally broke my heart
and i was only young when i watched it
but i'll never forget it it really kind
of affected me
um because i think if
like if you're gonna do that to someone
tell them
say i'm gonna see people i'm gonna
date i'm gonna have sex and end the
relationship
don't do it whilst you're together
uh because it just hurts people
it just hurts people i don't
uh so that's kind of going oh god i've
gone right into friends now and
everything this is all stuff going on in
my head at the moment
and
ask yourself why why
are you having casual sex
if like i said it's something that it
just feels good i feel good i come home
i feel good i can live my life feeling
good
then it's fine but chances are you're
going to say
i don't know like
i just do it to make myself feel better
i do it because i'm lonely i do it
because i just want to be held
i do it because i want to feel someone
wants me
i do it because i'm hoping that by
sleeping with someone they'll then get
in a relationship with me
because the thing is those of us with
bpd
um we have a huge
issue with fear of abandonment
and for me that would that that caused
me just to like cling on
um to someone
which shows i'm in recovery
because i'm refusing to do that now
like i want time on my own
i don't get me wrong guys i can i still
have that fear of abandonment
of course i do uh
but i know for me jumping into a
relationship
is not gonna fix that i'm just gonna
bring all my issues
into another relationship and i don't
want to do that to me i certainly don't
want to do that to someone else
and that's the thing when we have casual
sex
uh especially if our motives behind
having casual sex are not what we make
out maybe
we make out like yeah i just wanna you
know just wanna one night stand and
we're thinking
i'm going to marry you then chances are
this chance are that person could get
hurt
we could get we will definitely get hurt
definitely
so we do need to look at that stuff
obviously if you're diagnosed with
something and you have a mental health
team talk to them about this stuff
it's okay to say it you know
um a doctor a psychologist a
psychiatrist they're not gonna judge you
if you say i'm having lots of casual sex
and it's making me feel worse
they're not gonna judge you but they
will start to understand you more and
they will be able to guide you
so just don't be embarrassed around this
stuff
i'm going to leave this video here and
i will be back next week i love you all
lads