I was like a chameleon for  years – constantly trying to adapt to be like others around me – to the point I didn’t even know who I was or what I liked.

Transcript:
hi guys today I'm gonna try and do a
couple of videos I've got my little list
array all down of video requests and
I've got a video request from Charlie
lovely girl Charlie
and she asked me to do a video about
comparing yourself to others and lost
herself so I am gonna do that I also had
another request ages ago I haven't
written down who did it but it's
basically a requesting video on
borderline personality disorder and
self-image not feeling pretty enough
body issues and jealousy in general and
I'm thinking the two requests can kind
of go together it's because one's loss
of self one's self image self esteem
let's give it a go right I compared
myself to people since as far back as I
can remember
when I was in primary school and I was 5
years old
five six max and I fail to see the boy
called Ryan but he fancied a girl called
Emma and whereas I had long dark hair
and I had this short lighter hair and I
always remember just wanting to be like
her from that young age I'm wanting
trying to get my mom to get my hair
chopped off which she wouldn't do and
that kind of stuck with me
and I can still remember the feelings
all the way back to when I was five so
like thirty years ago of not feeling
good enough and wanting to be like
someone else so as I grew up this
feeling kind of stuck with me I was
constantly comparing myself to others
and trying to change myself to be like
other people
so if girls in my class were wearing a
certain kind of shoe I would want those
shoes if they wore the hair in a certain
way
that's my phone so if they wore the hair
in a certain way I'd want my hair light
their hair and I very much became like a
chameleon I would change myself to fit
in with those around me who was hanging
around with at the time and in doing so
I did it really well I could fit in I
could adapt but in doing so I completely
lost my sense self I kind of felt I
didn't belong anywhere I didn't know who
were Wars I didn't know what I believed
in I didn't know what a light and kind
of just felt like I was a nobody and I
didn't fit in even though I was
desperately trying to fit in and like I
said I did I did kind of fit in but it
wasn't who I was and I hated that
because it quite like this emptiness and
I also lived in fear then but they're
going to find out I'm a fraud and that
I'm not really like them
and this is an act and so I live in this
constant state of fear as well that I'm
gonna get caught out because I'm
pretending to be something I'm not but I
didn't know what I was to be that makes
sense having a loss of your sense of
self is horrible but I think like it
comes because we have no self self
esteem and in order for us to build our
self esteem we kind of have to find
ourselves and find out who we are so we
can start building on that if we don't
know if then there's nothing we can
build on so it is really really
important
and I I mentioned the other video let me
yeah
body issues not feeling pretty enough I
mean that's going all the way back again
till I was like five never felt pretty
enough and my body issues started
probably around about 12 or 13 I think I
had a first boyfriend and yeah I
remember I was in my mum's back garden
he was like oh you're so cuddly and
chubby that's what he said and I'm sure
he meant it in the nicest way but it was
like a dagger to the heart and it's the
first time I was like oh my god I'm fat
and I went on a diet 13 and I lost a lot
of weight but my weight always
fluctuated because I was also good at
comfort eating but I do videos on eating
that wasn't great but yeah like no
matter how much weight I lost I still
felt horrible I never liked my hair like
my face I when when I was at school I
was like 13 I actually went to a girls
school so you'd think it wouldn't be as
bad but I started getting boobs and I
hated it
I absolutely hated it like I think I
just I don't know what I felt like I
just I hated it I always wanted to be
flat-chested and then you get girls that
are flat-chested and they hate it and
they want boobs but growing up I'm just
like I just believe that just it home
and I hated that I like literally
everything about myself I didn't like I
would look at another girl who was
pretty have long blonde hair I would
want that long blonde hair I have
bleached my hair before
to try and change lots of people said it
didn't suit me
now it did actually it probably didn't
if I was constantly trying to change and
I used to I feel jealous of friends I
feel jealous of people walking down the
street people in the pub Alysha I could
be jealous at anyone because I wanted
what they had and the thing is I could
come across as really confident my joy
I'd had a few drinks but like go out and
be the life and soul and party
loud and confident insider wasn't and
then if someone else came in who was
loud and confident I'd get really
jealous because I think I'm faking it
but you'll naturally like that and I
want to be like you but I'm not not
really I didn't like it and like I said
right when you've got low self-esteem
you you kind of you start to just think
you know nothing you're nobody and
that's how I fell I felt like I was
nobody for years and when you feel like
that you lose your sense of self but
like I said to build just the self
esteem we need to find out who we are
what we believe in and I think like it
is possible because I am not jealous
person enough I can see beautiful women
now be like beautiful but not think let
me tell you know like I'm pleased for
them but I can appreciate it and I also
understand like that were all different
I don't have to be like someone else I
am Who I am and who I am it's a song
anyway off track so um
yeah it's possible because I'm not
jealous person now I don't need to
change myself for other people because
not only would I change myself for
people that I thought I want to be like
them but if I was did the boyfriend and
I thought they liked them I'd change
myself even if I didn't like them but I
thought the boyfriend liked them or
someone else liked them
I think I'm gonna be like them and those
people like me instead and so I was
constantly doing that and I don't do
that today
am i stylish
not really okay with that I make a I
don't have to follow fashion
I can appreciate fashion but I think I
I'm happy enough in myself to think all
that fashion is amazing and it looks
great on her but you know what wouldn't
see me that's okay
that's alright I don't have to go and
bleep them up hair anymore can you see
my roots
I don't know apparently you can't dye
your hair in pregnancy but I just but
anyway roots I've got roots um my body
image now I would change things of
course I would but I think a lot of
people would people without BPB would
change things I would like to be a bit
healthier but I don't get to go to the
gym anymore at the moment but I I don't
do it in like a really unhealthy way
where I look in the mirror and I'm like
I hate you I don't feel like that today
I don't look in the mirror and go oh
because I'm not that confident but I'm
just I'm just happy I'm content I'm all
right
I'm okay not everyone will like me and
that's fine I can't expect everyone to
like me you know where is that would
have killed me before cuz I'd want
everyone to think good of me but now I
know that's just not living in the real
world and I can't change myself to make
people like me I am
Who I am I think building my self-esteem
helped with that my DBT everyone knows
I'm a big DBT fan but there's loads of
self-help books I've got a whole shelf
for them I was supposed to start doing
reviews on them but I haven't done it
yeah I think do you know why I'll be
completely honest with you I have read a
lot of them but I can't review them and
my mind goes blank it's like I can't
remember and I think I won't do it
justice
people know more about the books of Mary
they see my self-esteem isn't as high as
it possibly should because I still doubt
myself so I just don't do them but I
should I should try even if they're not
but yeah I can't think of anything else
to say on that subject but if you are
out there and you don't know who you are
it's a horrible place to be but but you
won't always feel like that when you
start getting into recovery and we start
working on ourselves slowly slowly those
things diminish we start finding out who
we are and what we like and it's amazing
it's such a nice feeling especially when
we've spent our whole lives trying to be
other people trying to be chameleons to
fit in it is lovely to UM find out who
we are what we like so
all right my love Liz I
[Music]
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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