hi guys happy Friday today I'm doing a
video request from brian brian is
currently dealing with a breakup hi
Brian and I'm really sorry to hear what
you're going through at the moment and
he asked me to talk about how do you
deal with a breakup when you have BPD
now a breakup for anyone like people
that don't have mental health issues is
really hard we can feel like it's
completely out of our control and it is
especially if someone else is entered it
the most important thing is that first
of all we understand that we're gonna
grieve we're going to be upset it's the
end of something and we need to allow
ourselves to do that will allow
ourselves to cry and feel sad because
through grieving we can heal if we try
and just block off
we won't heal so allow yourself to
grieve secondly there are going to be
times when it's literally it kind of
comes in waves sometimes you think
you're okay and then oh it hits you it's
like and you feel so upset now when you
feel this intense intense emotion it's
okay to try and distract yourself from
it because it's very rule it's very
fresh and you want to keep yourself safe
and sometimes the feelings are just too
much for us to handle and by distracting
we are able to listen that intense pain
momentarily it's not getting rid of it
I'm not talking about distract for the
rest of your life I'm just talking about
in that moment do something get busy
do some kind of distress tolerance skill
and like I said it's vital that you keep
safe thirdly acceptance
because accepting isn't meaning yay I'm
happy it's over I accept it it doesn't
mean we agree with it it just means we
accept actually with Paola so for other
people
if someone's ended it with us we can
either keep fighting it I think you know
I want them to be with me I want them to
be with me and causing a suffering
basically to continue or we can just
accept that's happened it doesn't mean
you're not going to be sad it just means
you're gonna stop fighting it forcefully
surround yourself with people that care
about you
people that love you people that
understand people that gonna be a cop
shoulder to cry on and listen people
that are there to support you and allow
them to help you allow them to be there
for you
the thing is when we have BPD we often
get in a relationship and it's like I
love this person at that so we cut out
all our friends and family and then when
the relationship ends we're kinda left
thinking now what AB but it's the time
to reconnect with friends with family
and it's okay to say I'm sorry that I
haven't been seeing you I got so caught
up and I'm really struggling right now
and if they are a decent person and they
really care about you they will be there
and they will help you through this time
v be kind to yourself
put yourself like imagine it was your
friend going through a breakup how would
you treat them you would be kind you
would be loving to them now be that way
to you and look after yourself
if you feel you need a bit of pampering
and you want to lie under a blanket and
watch a film while you cry into your
popcorn you can do that that's okay to
do
and because you are hurting your
feelings are valid and don't beat
yourself up don't think oh if only I'd
done this if only I've done that you
know because there's no there's no point
that comes back to the acceptance we are
powerless so for other people so often
like we thinking black and white so one
minute we love someone and we hate them
and then often why don't someone breaks
up all we can do is remember all their
good points and we forget actually we
spend a lot of time thinking them
thinking of them badly while we were
with them but we break up and now
they're the best thing and I can't
believe I lost them but that that kind
of thinking is not going to get us
anywhere it's not going to change the
other person's mind so we just really do
need to just accept it things that we
should not do first of all don't isolate
because your mind will drive you mad and
right now you need the support of people
around you whether that's just to go out
shopping for a day or go for a walk with
a friend or a coffee and it will keep
you occupied it will allow you someone
to discuss how you are feeling and
talking is so helpful do not do not try
and replace your ex all of a sudden
there I say this as I'm smiling because
I know we do this we golf relationship
when we quickly jump into another one
and think this person can save us when
actually we haven't allowed ourselves to
grieve over the first person and we will
be left resenting the person with we
take all our old issues from that
relationship into this new one and it's
not going to fix us we need this time to
work on us and another person cannot do
that so I would say do not just jump
into another relationship another don't
do not make huge life changes
I'm gonna quit my job or I'm going to
move to France little changes like I'm
going to change my hair color that's
okay
that'll make you feel better that's okay
but major life changes now is not the
time to do them again it's just another
way of us trying to make ourselves feel
better and but long-term it it won't
finally do not try to stay friends with
your box because often for those of us
with BPD it's just our way of trying to
hold on to the relationship when we say
I would just be maids and we really
think I'm you know we can but actually
we're still really emotionally involved
so it might be okay we're matey but they
can do one thing and it can hurt us so
badly because we kind of still feel like
we're still in that relationship that's
not to say you will never ever be
friends with them but in the immediate
aftermath not good idea either they will
get hurt or you will get hurt more than
likely you will both get hurt now I know
we think in our heads oh it was so good
if we could just stay friends then
they're my best friend and I love them
but then think to yourself okay do you
really think you're just friends how do
you feel if they then say oh I've met
someone it's not gonna work it's just
not not yet you need to step away you
need to allow yourself to grieve give
yourself time be kind to yourself don't
rush into another relationship don't
isolate do things that you possibly
stopped doing when you're in that
relationship so maybe you had a hobby
and you loved swimming but when you go
into this relationship you were wanted
to be with this person all the time -
you gave up swimming because it wasn't
so important well get back into those
hobbies and start doing some fun things
and have some fun in your life
it's not gonna happen overnight you're
not gonna go from absolutely devastated
that relationships over to oh my god I
feel great it's small steps but you will
get there time is a healer and you will
get there and eventually you might even
get to a point where you'll look back
and think actually that breakup was the
best thing that ever happened I know you
don't see at the moment but it that does
happen and you have to give it time and
I'm going to leave that there today guys
but I love you all loads and I will
speak to you in the week