hello my lovelies happy Friday today I
have to do a child friendly video
because I have my two boys home and
latias home but she's asleep I might
mention last week lotty had tonsillitis
and an ear infection
then my daughter Amelia had three days
off this week with the chest infection
so she's on antibiotics as well last
night I ended up taking Eason to the
doctor's where he's got a really bad ear
infection behind his eardrum so he's on
antibiotics and then Keon woke in the
middle of the night crying hardly able
to talk saying his throat hurts so it's
literally been a week two weeks probably
longer of sickness in my house but I'm
not I'm not sick so that's okay but they
are home so I can't necessarily do the
videos that wanted to do but I have got
a video request from Joanna hello dear
Emma and she asked me to talk about my
first ever session in DBT and how it
went on like towards the end so I
thought I'd do that before I quickly do
that video I have got a favor to ask of
you as you know I am writing my book I
reached 80,000 words yesterday so I'm
really getting there I've only got a
couple of weeks left I'm nearly nearly
done and but I'm gonna have a question
and answer section at the back and I've
been so far using those questions that
I've got over the couple years but if
you have a question that you would like
answered darling don't touch that Nina
Nina no Ethan no you're moving no
darling you can't have it my cameras on
they're eaten everyone can see you being
grumpy
listen you can have it in a minute you
can have it in a minute he's trying to
take the thing I've got my camera's all
know you have it in a minute okay yeah
so if you have a question that you want
answered ask me it and I can put it at
the back of the book you can either put
it in the comments it's not working yeah
or I'm on instagram under recovery mom
and om I'm on facebook under recovery
mum and um and I'm on Twitter recovery
month and Joe so feel free if you want
just to ask a question because like I
said I'm gonna have a whole question and
answers and chances are a lot of the
questions I would have already answered
throughout the book and if that's the
case I don't need to do it but it's just
sometimes there's really obscure
questions that people just want to ask
and so I thought it'd be a good idea to
include them so yeah ask away
right so how was my first ever DBT
session I didn't really take it
seriously to be honest I had spent time
living on a mental health ward my BPD
was completely out of control but I had
there wasn't like things on YouTube
there was nothing like to find
information well I don't think there was
at least I think they're searching for
it I I thought borderline men at the
time it I bought it on my emotion so one
minute I could be happy next minute I
could be crying next one I could be
angry
next when I could be really happy again
and that's what I thought it meant and I
went youth thinking that and and so I
got put on a DBT course I was so lucky
because there was only to come to
hospital
in the UK that were trying DBT it was
like a new trial to see how it was over
here and I got on like the first course
it was just really really lucky that I
lived in an area that the hospital that
I went to was one of the two that was
doing DBT so I think I turned up late
because I used to turn up everywhere
late but they have quite strict
conditions you have to make sure you
turn up on time you can't miss I think
more than one or two sessions otherwise
you're off and I went in like not really
carrying no tolling in a minute in a
minute
like I would push every boundary until I
was told right if you're not gonna take
it seriously you can't do it and so I
did make sure well actually I think my
mum made sure I turned up she would come
home from work get me drop me off
clicked me to make sure I was there uh
when I went in I was so anxious because
I was in a group I think I there were
only women I think in the group I can't
remember any guys in there when I first
did it but I had been bullied at school
have real issue with women anyway and
all of sudden I was put in this
situation where I had to go into a room
with this woman that I don't know and we
used to do check-in where you'd go
around and say how you feeling and I
wasn't good with that I didn't want to
tell these strangers my feelings I
didn't trust them I was full of anxiety
and I think I used to talk loads and I
think it was because I was so anxious I
got a little but over time I think it
helped seeing other people opening up
and being able to relate to what they
could say because before I've never ever
had anyone say something that I thought
I do that well that's how I feel no
don't you're gonna ruin my Biddy in a
minute Eason I've used his game to prop
up my camera that he never ever plays
with by the way and now he wants it back
but he can wait a second can't you my
love and then you can have it so yeah it
was the first time because like I said I
didn't watch YouTube I didn't know
anyone with this condition and all of a
sudden I was with other people with
borderline and they would say things and
it was the first time that I would sit
there my ears would prick up and I think
that's what I do I thought I was the
only one and that was really helpful
because I could relate to other people
for the first time ever and it was good
because we were able to offer each other
advice and sometimes I'd offer some
advice then I think why don't I take my
own advice I was quite good I completely
underestimated how much work was
involved in DBT I was never one to do
homework at school and all of a sudden
I'm in this group where you're given
homework every single week and then you
go through it briefly in the next
session and they were just I had
worksheets and worksheets and to start
with I didn't take it seriously I would
get there five minutes early and quickly
scribble answers pretending I'd done my
homework and although I was with people
I could relate with and that was good
for me I wasn't practicing the skills I
wasn't really understanding them I
wasn't taking them in and and I kind of
then started to see the group more it's
all just going to see the girls a bit
like social outing rather than hang on
I'm being taught something here that can
be literally changed my life I just I
think the cause it was on trial
well I didn't know if it was gonna work
I haven't heard of it before I just
didn't take it seriously and nothing was
changing every week I was like me and my
ex-husband have a really no no no neck
go in a minute sweetheart really sorry
well yeah I was the relationship was so
unstable ups and downs I was still
drinking I was still using I was still
self-harming I was still bulimic it's
like all my problems
oh yeah we're still there and I just
kept like sinking lower and lower and I
I've had a few rock bottom's
and one of them was while I was doing
DBT but with looking back with hindsight
I see it was because actually I wasn't
doing the DBT I was going along for the
little check-in and chatting loads and
thinking yeah and with people like me
but I wasn't actually taking in any of
the information I think it took a good
few months before I started thinking
okay I've got to I don't know when it
was all what made me think actually I've
got to take this seriously but something
in me changed and I started doing the
work I think I must have just got to
such a desperate place that I was then
willing to try anything and I started
doing the work I started doing my
homework and I started practicing some
of the skills and what do you know like
there was a shift there was some kind of
change in me
it certainly didn't happen overnight it
was gradual but for me I think the first
thing I really noticed was my rage and
my anger I was able to Self Self Self
Self soothe self soothe and I would be
able to calm myself a lot quicker that
didn't say I didn't have outbursts
because I did but whereas before I just
couldn't harm myself it would just
completely escalate and escalate now I
was able to calm I the way I spoke in
relation another boy the way I spoke
like in my relationship the
interpersonal effectiveness skills it
was less confrontational I stopped
taking everything so personally I
started really trying to use my wise
mind so rather than just running with my
emotional mind I kind of was able to do
something where I could rationalize
slightly it wasn't great to start with
but it was a lot better than it was when
it first ever started and and so the DBT
went on I think I did it for two years
and then I I stopped a month before I
was due to give birth to my first child
my little girl Amelia and I didn't get
completely better I really struggled in
the pregnancy after the pregnancy for a
few years after I think I just I stopped
practicing the skills and instead I
self-medicated I used alcohol and I used
drugs whenever my feelings were out of
control and obviously that's not going
to help me and I kind of went on a
downward spiral for years and it wasn't
till I went into rehab and actually I
was a complete mess in rehab and I left
rehab and I was a probably a bigger mess
than before I went in but once I was
clean from the drugs and the alcohol and
I hit another rock bottom when I left
rehab something in me changed and I was
like I need to do something and the
thing is the skills were there because I
knew them I just wasn't using them so
I'd stopped using drugs and I'd stopped
using alcohol and now I could feel my
feelings a hundred times more because I
wasn't numbing them and it was a really
really painful place to be so I had to
do something I think when I hit that
rock bottom I was so low as kind of at
the point like I have to do something I
have to fight now I can either give up
or I can fight I realize I've come so
far I'd done it like six seven months in
rehab my children coming back to live
with me and I knew hang on I could have
a good future here I've got to get hold
of this I cannot let this destroy me and
back then I really did not feel strong
at all looking back on my I don't know
how I did it but something in me just
clicked and I came out fighting today I
just used the skills without thinking
about them I don't need to think about
them I obviously set up my youtube
channel and honestly I really believed
in the power of one person with
borderline helping another and not only
can you help someone else but it helps
yourself so it's kind of a bit selfish
as well because by helping others I
helped me basically and I believe that
can work for anyone and I first
kind of learn about that when I was in
the rooms
that's the 12-step fellowship I was in
cocaine anonymous and I could see the
power of one addict helping another and
learn that it helps both the person
that's got clean time by helping someone
new into the Phylicia helping themselves
as well and I was like something like
this can I'm sure can work with people
with borderline as well so yeah I get a
lot out of there I love do my videos
messaging you guys when I can I love
reading your messages and it's a
constant reminder for me of where I used
to be because trust me I was like I've
given up for so many years so I was in
so much pain I was absolutely desperate
and it's a reminder of that and I don't
ever want to go back there
because who would and that is enough
incentive to make me keep doing what I'm
doing not going out and picking up drink
because I feel sad but learning to
manage my emotions and deal with it in a
constructive and healthy way which is
what I never used to do I'd recommend
DBT to anyone I don't believe it is the
only form of therapy because there are
other therapies out there but obviously
that's the one that I did and I got a
lot from it but only when I started
doing the actual work and when I
realized at leat you know what this is
life and death because it was it was
life and death if I didn't do this stuff
I was going to kill myself whether it be
through the drugs or through trying to
attempt suicide them it was not going to
end well but I had this opportunity to
learn these skills it didn't cost any
money to learn these skills
I was very fortunate we have the NHS
over here I know a lot of people aren't
as fortunate and that there's so much
information online to read up and see
you've got you've got this offer you can
do this and it will save your life and
not only will it save your life you'll
actually go on and have a good life like
a great life that's doing the work and
recovery isn't easy you've got put in
the work for me I think definitely
hitting rock bottom is what kind of
pushed me to the point where I was like
okay now I need to do the work because
like I said it was never going to end
well I think I'll leave that there today
my lovely lovely people the weather is
beautiful over here at the moment and
all the kids are sick so they can't go
outside ooh okay have a wonderful
wonderful weekend
don't forget send me your questions and
I will not answer them back via message
I will but they'll be going in the book
okay thank you