Today I discuss my journey with DBT. The difficulties at the beginning, how I didn’t think it would work for me and how eventually it did. I also have a favour to ask of you! Message me on instagram, twitter or facebook. Links to my social network pages are on my channel homepage.
hello my lovelies happy Friday today I have to do a child friendly video because I have my two boys home and latias home but she's asleep I might mention last week lotty had tonsillitis and an ear infection then my daughter Amelia had three days off this week with the chest infection so she's on antibiotics as well last night I ended up taking Eason to the doctor's where he's got a really bad ear infection behind his eardrum so he's on antibiotics and then Keon woke in the middle of the night crying hardly able to talk saying his throat hurts so it's literally been a week two weeks probably longer of sickness in my house but I'm not I'm not sick so that's okay but they are home so I can't necessarily do the videos that wanted to do but I have got a video request from Joanna hello dear Emma and she asked me to talk about my first ever session in DBT and how it went on like towards the end so I thought I'd do that before I quickly do that video I have got a favor to ask of you as you know I am writing my book I reached 80,000 words yesterday so I'm really getting there I've only got a couple of weeks left I'm nearly nearly done and but I'm gonna have a question and answer section at the back and I've been so far using those questions that I've got over the couple years but if you have a question that you would like answered darling don't touch that Nina Nina no Ethan no you're moving no darling you can't have it my cameras on they're eaten everyone can see you being grumpy listen you can have it in a minute you can have it in a minute he's trying to take the thing I've got my camera's all know you have it in a minute okay yeah so if you have a question that you want answered ask me it and I can put it at the back of the book you can either put it in the comments it's not working yeah or I'm on instagram under recovery mom and om I'm on facebook under recovery mum and um and I'm on Twitter recovery month and Joe so feel free if you want just to ask a question because like I said I'm gonna have a whole question and answers and chances are a lot of the questions I would have already answered throughout the book and if that's the case I don't need to do it but it's just sometimes there's really obscure questions that people just want to ask and so I thought it'd be a good idea to include them so yeah ask away right so how was my first ever DBT session I didn't really take it seriously to be honest I had spent time living on a mental health ward my BPD was completely out of control but I had there wasn't like things on YouTube there was nothing like to find information well I don't think there was at least I think they're searching for it I I thought borderline men at the time it I bought it on my emotion so one minute I could be happy next minute I could be crying next one I could be angry next when I could be really happy again and that's what I thought it meant and I went youth thinking that and and so I got put on a DBT course I was so lucky because there was only to come to hospital in the UK that were trying DBT it was like a new trial to see how it was over here and I got on like the first course it was just really really lucky that I lived in an area that the hospital that I went to was one of the two that was doing DBT so I think I turned up late because I used to turn up everywhere late but they have quite strict conditions you have to make sure you turn up on time you can't miss I think more than one or two sessions otherwise you're off and I went in like not really carrying no tolling in a minute in a minute like I would push every boundary until I was told right if you're not gonna take it seriously you can't do it and so I did make sure well actually I think my mum made sure I turned up she would come home from work get me drop me off clicked me to make sure I was there uh when I went in I was so anxious because I was in a group I think I there were only women I think in the group I can't remember any guys in there when I first did it but I had been bullied at school have real issue with women anyway and all of sudden I was put in this situation where I had to go into a room with this woman that I don't know and we used to do check-in where you'd go around and say how you feeling and I wasn't good with that I didn't want to tell these strangers my feelings I didn't trust them I was full of anxiety and I think I used to talk loads and I think it was because I was so anxious I got a little but over time I think it helped seeing other people opening up and being able to relate to what they could say because before I've never ever had anyone say something that I thought I do that well that's how I feel no don't you're gonna ruin my Biddy in a minute Eason I've used his game to prop up my camera that he never ever plays with by the way and now he wants it back but he can wait a second can't you my love and then you can have it so yeah it was the first time because like I said I didn't watch YouTube I didn't know anyone with this condition and all of a sudden I was with other people with borderline and they would say things and it was the first time that I would sit there my ears would prick up and I think that's what I do I thought I was the only one and that was really helpful because I could relate to other people for the first time ever and it was good because we were able to offer each other advice and sometimes I'd offer some advice then I think why don't I take my own advice I was quite good I completely underestimated how much work was involved in DBT I was never one to do homework at school and all of a sudden I'm in this group where you're given homework every single week and then you go through it briefly in the next session and they were just I had worksheets and worksheets and to start with I didn't take it seriously I would get there five minutes early and quickly scribble answers pretending I'd done my homework and although I was with people I could relate with and that was good for me I wasn't practicing the skills I wasn't really understanding them I wasn't taking them in and and I kind of then started to see the group more it's all just going to see the girls a bit like social outing rather than hang on I'm being taught something here that can be literally changed my life I just I think the cause it was on trial well I didn't know if it was gonna work I haven't heard of it before I just didn't take it seriously and nothing was changing every week I was like me and my ex-husband have a really no no no neck go in a minute sweetheart really sorry well yeah I was the relationship was so unstable ups and downs I was still drinking I was still using I was still self-harming I was still bulimic it's like all my problems oh yeah we're still there and I just kept like sinking lower and lower and I I've had a few rock bottom's and one of them was while I was doing DBT but with looking back with hindsight I see it was because actually I wasn't doing the DBT I was going along for the little check-in and chatting loads and thinking yeah and with people like me but I wasn't actually taking in any of the information I think it took a good few months before I started thinking okay I've got to I don't know when it was all what made me think actually I've got to take this seriously but something in me changed and I started doing the work I think I must have just got to such a desperate place that I was then willing to try anything and I started doing the work I started doing my homework and I started practicing some of the skills and what do you know like there was a shift there was some kind of change in me it certainly didn't happen overnight it was gradual but for me I think the first thing I really noticed was my rage and my anger I was able to Self Self Self Self soothe self soothe and I would be able to calm myself a lot quicker that didn't say I didn't have outbursts because I did but whereas before I just couldn't harm myself it would just completely escalate and escalate now I was able to calm I the way I spoke in relation another boy the way I spoke like in my relationship the interpersonal effectiveness skills it was less confrontational I stopped taking everything so personally I started really trying to use my wise mind so rather than just running with my emotional mind I kind of was able to do something where I could rationalize slightly it wasn't great to start with but it was a lot better than it was when it first ever started and and so the DBT went on I think I did it for two years and then I I stopped a month before I was due to give birth to my first child my little girl Amelia and I didn't get completely better I really struggled in the pregnancy after the pregnancy for a few years after I think I just I stopped practicing the skills and instead I self-medicated I used alcohol and I used drugs whenever my feelings were out of control and obviously that's not going to help me and I kind of went on a downward spiral for years and it wasn't till I went into rehab and actually I was a complete mess in rehab and I left rehab and I was a probably a bigger mess than before I went in but once I was clean from the drugs and the alcohol and I hit another rock bottom when I left rehab something in me changed and I was like I need to do something and the thing is the skills were there because I knew them I just wasn't using them so I'd stopped using drugs and I'd stopped using alcohol and now I could feel my feelings a hundred times more because I wasn't numbing them and it was a really really painful place to be so I had to do something I think when I hit that rock bottom I was so low as kind of at the point like I have to do something I have to fight now I can either give up or I can fight I realize I've come so far I'd done it like six seven months in rehab my children coming back to live with me and I knew hang on I could have a good future here I've got to get hold of this I cannot let this destroy me and back then I really did not feel strong at all looking back on my I don't know how I did it but something in me just clicked and I came out fighting today I just used the skills without thinking about them I don't need to think about them I obviously set up my youtube channel and honestly I really believed in the power of one person with borderline helping another and not only can you help someone else but it helps yourself so it's kind of a bit selfish as well because by helping others I helped me basically and I believe that can work for anyone and I first kind of learn about that when I was in the rooms that's the 12-step fellowship I was in cocaine anonymous and I could see the power of one addict helping another and learn that it helps both the person that's got clean time by helping someone new into the Phylicia helping themselves as well and I was like something like this can I'm sure can work with people with borderline as well so yeah I get a lot out of there I love do my videos messaging you guys when I can I love reading your messages and it's a constant reminder for me of where I used to be because trust me I was like I've given up for so many years so I was in so much pain I was absolutely desperate and it's a reminder of that and I don't ever want to go back there because who would and that is enough incentive to make me keep doing what I'm doing not going out and picking up drink because I feel sad but learning to manage my emotions and deal with it in a constructive and healthy way which is what I never used to do I'd recommend DBT to anyone I don't believe it is the only form of therapy because there are other therapies out there but obviously that's the one that I did and I got a lot from it but only when I started doing the actual work and when I realized at leat you know what this is life and death because it was it was life and death if I didn't do this stuff I was going to kill myself whether it be through the drugs or through trying to attempt suicide them it was not going to end well but I had this opportunity to learn these skills it didn't cost any money to learn these skills I was very fortunate we have the NHS over here I know a lot of people aren't as fortunate and that there's so much information online to read up and see you've got you've got this offer you can do this and it will save your life and not only will it save your life you'll actually go on and have a good life like a great life that's doing the work and recovery isn't easy you've got put in the work for me I think definitely hitting rock bottom is what kind of pushed me to the point where I was like okay now I need to do the work because like I said it was never going to end well I think I'll leave that there today my lovely lovely people the weather is beautiful over here at the moment and all the kids are sick so they can't go outside ooh okay have a wonderful wonderful weekend don't forget send me your questions and I will not answer them back via message I will but they'll be going in the book okay thank you
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.