hi guys today I am sat on the floor
because little lady was here but she is
actually falling a seat now so I've gone
and put her in her cot at times do
certain the floor today I am doing a
video request from Cassie hi Kathy and
Kathy asked me about dealing this
intense anger now I suffered with anger
since I was a little girl there was a
time when I was at school and there was
a not very nice teacher who I knew was
really mean to my brother and my brother
was like the sweetest sweetest little
boy and and one day she took over my
class because my teacher was away or
something and I got in trouble I got
sent out and then when she came outside
she I think she was gonna walk me to the
headmistress office or something and I
literally just turned around
punched her in the stomach because I
couldn't control my anger
when I was a teenager I've said before I
got bullied at school and I didn't bring
my anger out really at school I kinda
kept it inside but the anger would come
out at home I was a very very angry
person no anger believe it or not is
actually a healthy emotion to have it's
there for a reason and but it becomes a
problem when we can't control it
and I got to the stage I couldn't
control it
I would feel like I went from calm - my
head is going to explode in a matter of
seconds I could just be sitting having a
drink in a pub and think someone looked
at me funny and I'd feel so yeah I think
I love my partners would really feel the
wrath because if you ask yourself why do
I get angry a lot the time there it
could stem from fear
and that's the thing with borderline
personality disorder we have fear of
abandonment and so anything that I'd
perceive as kind of a threat to someone
leaving would cause me to get seriously
angry and it could be anything it could
be a partner smiling at someone in a
shop like just say a lady at all serving
us we get served plants miles
because in my head he's gonna leave me
because I have that fear of abandonment
now when I was 18 it was suggested by my
doctor that I go on an anger management
course and and I did and it was lovely
lady Yolanda I've talked about Yolanda
before who was my amazing therapist that
was taking it but for me the the course
just didn't call me at all but looking
back with homesite I haven't been
diagnosed with borderline personality at
this point so I didn't kind of realize
what else was going on inside me I was
also drinking and using so I would turn
up drunk I'd literally go to the pub get
drunk and if how do the course often get
angry and storm out go back to the pub
carry on drinking so it just didn't work
for me and but one thing I can remember
them talking about is the bottle if you
have a bottle and every time you get
angry you put something in it but you
don't let that anger out it builds and
builds and builds and builds and it
eventually it explodes and that's what
happens with us we let things build
little niggly things build and build at
mid and then we explode at a smallest
thing it could be the tiniest thing and
we just go completely so I do remember
that and I've tried to take it on board
but they didn't work then and my
continued what I did find was DBT helped
DBT helped me with my anger I think that
is due to the different sections one we
have mindfulness which helps to calm us
and focus on the present moment we have
that like the breathing techniques we
have interpersonal effectiveness which
is where we learn how to talk to people
so instead of going up and saying you
did this you did that rather than kind
of talking to someone like that it's
like when you said this or I fell and
you use the I thing more I know I've got
to do an interpersonal effectiveness
video
I'm sure last September I promised
someone I would do it and I still
haven't done it and I'm really really
sorry I will get round to it and I know
I always say that as well so if you
don't believe me I don't blame you
probably I will eventually do it but yes
we have interpersonal effectiveness we
have emotional regulation as well and
when we let learning to kind of regulate
those emotions across the board that can
help as well and then we have obviously
distress tolerance where we're learning
when we were in a crisis
how can we calm ourselves so for me the
anger management itself didn't do
anything but DBT really really did and I
noticed a huge change that was one area
that I noticed a change in pretty much
straight away it was my anger I was able
to deal with the anger a lot better
other things that I struggled with was
still the self-harm eating disorders I
still had that favor of Bandhan moon and
so I still had a lot that the anger was
the one thing it was the first thing I
noticed to change within me because I
kind of went from one extreme to another
so what are the signs of anger other
than wanting to punch someone face in
and go
because you've there's changes within
your body I have done an anxiety video
before where I kind to explain your
heart starts beating your Bloods pumping
around you might start trembling it's
the same with anger we have like a rush
of adrenaline because often what we get
anger because we're faced with a threat
but obviously it's we're perceiving
something to be a threat when it's not
so we get all that so one good way which
I talked about in my anxiety video of
calming yourself is deep breathing and I
know that probably sounds like really
enough like yeah I wanna kill someone
and then I'm like oh I'm so much better
now because it doesn't work like that it
does take practice but honestly just the
breathing because that will help slow
the heart rate slow everything slowed
down your adrenaline rush if you're
thinking there's no way slowing it down
I gotta let that anger out get a punch
back punch the hell out your punch back
we were taught to punch a pillow bitch I
just thought if anyone came in on the
safer they gonna get yeah she's
absolutely nuts all scream into a pillow
again if anyone came in they might not
think you're quite right but the one
thing with the screaming like I found
it's quite like I don't know freeing
just just to let it out other ways that
you might not feel feel you doing
they'll just go for a massive run it's
fast as you can I could probably do that
for about 10 seconds and then be like
but yes letting that adrenaline out if
you angry you've haven't alternate with
something something
someone often in anger we will say the
most hurtful things and we do often and
regret them saying it because that's the
one thing once we've said something
we've said it we can't take it back yes
we can apologize but we said it so if
you feel like I'm really angry I'm going
to say something walk away just walk
away from the situation take yourself
out of that situation until you were
calmer now when you're contrite it's not
I'll just forget it because you might
have a perfectly good valid reason to be
angry and so then it is important you go
back but you talk to the person in a
nicer way a more helpful way then you
would have had you just explode it at
them so it is kind of just taking those
few minutes to calm down recognize when
you start feeling anger building up um
recognize the signs my heart rate I'm
starting to feel like and try and deal
with it before you get to that exploding
point like I said about the bottle
putting all the little things that nigga
lost in there until we do explode look
at that and every time a small thing
bothers you deal with it then and there
don't just brush it aside and think I'll
deal with it later because you won't you
will end up exploding at the most
ridiculous thing like I have done many a
time so it is dealing with it but that's
where interpersonal effectiveness comes
in where we learned how to talk to
people how to have a conversation
without being confrontational but still
getting the kind of swirl I'm thinking
of the outcome that we want but doing it
in a healthy way
emotion regulation I've talked about
this in like my DBT videos which were
moved with my playlist with the solution
not just obviously when you're really
angry and you're gonna explode but on a
day to day basis try and look after
yourself exercise is great for reducing
stress levels releasing the endorphins
making us feel good I said before it
doesn't have to be running a marathon it
can just be walking taking time out for
ourselves
creativity coloring in in mindfulness
book it's quite calming therapeutic but
also when you're feeling angry sometimes
putting pen to paper and either drawing
a picture of your feelings it could just
be a red pen that is how I feel or
putting into words and it's an outlet
for you to express your anger rather
than being angry keeping it inside and I
actually do this with my kids I have
them a book each and I I say I do like
yeah this is what I do on a day-to-day
basis we haven't done it for about a
month if I'm honest but the plan was I
did get them their own book and it's
like just do a picture of how you're
feeling and because it's a way they can
express themselves especially for
children because sometimes they don't
know how to put how they're feeling into
words but they can draw a picture okay
so if my little boy is angry he might
draw an angry dinosaur eating little
dinosaur you know who like whatever but
um yeah getting creative and painting
drawing writing all those things music
listening to music not necessarily
listening to angry music when you're
feeling angry because chances are that
will make you feel more angry but maybe
listen to an upbeat tune or a calming
song or something and I'm thinking what
for else what else do I do drugs and
alcohol if you use drugs you use alcohol
it's gonna make the problem worse
because like I said in my last finis
video was in my last one about
embarrassing ourselves when we have a
drink or drugs we will act in a way that
we wouldn't usually act won't behave
like that if we didn't have drugs and
alcohol and it's the same with anger if
you go out and you're feeling angry and
you have a drink that anger is just
gonna get so much worse so have a look
and we're drinking regularly am I using
drugs regularly because all these things
are gonna kind of cause your stress
levels and your anger anxiety everything
all those horrid feelings just to
exacerbate and be so much worse so again
that's kind of part of being kind to
yourself careful what we put inside our
body is like what we eat eating healthy
because even just getting hungry then
causes us to be in a bad mood if we have
too much sugar when we get sugar dip we
can get in a bad mood so there literally
are so many things you can be doing but
like I said DBT
helped me so much for what with my anger
I do do videos on DBT I haven't done
them in a while like I just said I never
got round to doing interpersonal
effectiveness and I don't know why
because it is really great skill to have
yeah so I will I will get that done I
will oh and but yeah don't feel guilt or
shame about your anger because like I
said it is a healthy emotion to half
it's just how we let it out is it do we
let out in a healthy way or a really
really unhealthy way
and are we able to control it because if
you can't you've probably got a problem
with it and that is something you do
need to look at but as I have just said
there were loads of things we can do to
kind of reduce the anger overall and but
also to help it when you're feeling
angry at that moment so I believe that
there guys but I will be back in a week
nah love you all bye